toxic boyfriend

[dove3053]

I have cleaned my act up by my bf has not. I do not expect him to change and have given up any hope we have a future together. This is just a fact of life and I have already accepted this. These last few months I have cut off any feelings I have for him. When he didn't come home last night at the time he usually does I was hoping he would not come back at all. I know this may sound cold but I was happy and thought how much better my life will be when he is gone for good. I just can't find the right time or way to tell him this. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to tell him? When it comes to this I'm a real coward.

Dove

[dove3053]

I have no idea where his stash is or even if there is one and I would never destroy someone elses property like that no matter what. There is a rule that no drugs or alcohol are allowed in the house and I believe he has respected that. My boyfriend and I do not have much contact. He sleeps there but during the day I'm working and I have no real idea what he does.

In the past when I had to call the cops on my ex-husband they did no good at all. The cops told me one time to go and sleep in my truck. How stupid is that. I don't want to make matters worse by calling them.

I think avisg was right in saying when the time is right I will know it.

Last night my boyfriend said he wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives and he wanted to do some traveling. He also slept in the bed which he has not done in many months because he prefers the couch, which is fine with me.

Who knows maybe he is reading this, I don't know. If that is the case I would tell him I do care for him but just have trouble seeing any future, because I don't really think he cares for me.

Thanks everyone, I didn't mean for this post to get off the subject of the forum like this, because I realize there are other people in more need of help than me.

Dove

[cathy5841]

dove, even if you cant take a vacation, you can leave him a note when you go to work in the morning.  that way you would at least avoid the initial confrontation.  by the time you get home that evening he will have calmed down or hopefully be gone.  the sooner you do it the sooner you start the rest of your life.
much love and many prayers for you
cathy

[hopsing94]

Dove first thing you do is flush all of his stash,stop doing anything for him. Don't do a damn thing for him. If he gets more and brings it home call the cops and tell them. Don't do anything that will land you in trouble but there are many ways to drive him out without lifting a finger.

[iloveny630]

I'm recently divorced - I know that seperation is hard.  I was where you are - wanting out but didn't have the guts to tell him.  You will eventually get to a point where you can't take it (or him) anymore.  I did.  I am so much more happier now.  

I agree w/ Cathy... a note is a great idea.

I wish you all the best!!

[dove3053]

Sorry your going thru a divorce. That's why I'm not getting married again or have anyone live with me. I'm my own best company theses days.

Dove

[what2donow]

I filed divorce on my husband of 8 years recently.I was at the point of hating him.I would get sick to my stomach when I would hear his name.We were not even fighting when I finally told him I wanted a divorce.It was like a light went off and I was like "duh".
Anyhow, I told him that we didnt want the same things in life and I wasnt willing to sacrafice my happiness and peace of mind for him.I told him that I hoped he found someone that he would be happy with, but that person just wasnt me........

Keep us posted hun. Im sorry your going thru this.

[dove3053]

Sweetheart,

I have been married more times than I admit. I'm on the older side of life. So there will be no kids and not another marriage in my plans. But I do feel I deserve to spend the rest of my life in a content frame of mind. As far as loving him, don't really love him just got use to having him around. Once he is gone I intend to live alone, with my cats.

Dove

[spacecadette]

It's not too late.  I know you love him but I would get out before there are kids, and marriage involved as that is when it is MUCH more difficult. All the best.  

[Clamity2]

Looking back on my getting sober from alcohol I did have to split with my first sons dad. It hurt because I loved him but he got sober for many years and had a quality life without me.

[dove3053]

That's another thing that bothers me about this. He wants to see me slip. He has accused me many times of drinking because he thought I would go back to that but I haven't. This coward did get sober but your right there is still work to stay that way.

Dove

[random288]

I would def. tell him it's your place and you don't want him there anymore.  In the meantime have the locks changed.  I know you don't want to kick him out on the street but you can't live like this, this maybe what he needs ...in the long run you could be saving his life.  I just kicked out my now ex- finace because he was using again and he actually went to rehab...he still has a lot to do to get healthy but he's go to do it on his own.  I can't do it for him and I don't want to babysit him anymore, it will drive you crazy!

[Clamity2]

# 1 COWARDS DON'T GET SOBER. I'm supprised you made it with him still using. I went to Hot Topic and got myself a hero sweat jacket because I felt like I was my hero. Yes of course God helped but we have to do the work.
God Bless

[Firefaery1023]

You might not want to throw someone on the street, but I have a feeling that he isn't going to want to leave.  It sounds like you are supporting him.  Ask him maybe nicely at first that he needs to leave, give him a week, if he doesn't, boot his a**!

[avisg]

You will know when the time is right dove, you talk to him when you feel you are ready .
I am in the same boat just for diffrent reasons I will know when the time is right to tell him to leave.
avis

[dove3053]

I don't have the luxury of taking any time off work. My condo is the only thing I own and I won't leave it and I have 2 cats that are like my kids and I won't leave them. I don't like throwing someone out into the street but this may well be what I have to do.

Thank you,

Dove

[Firefaery1023]

I would pack up his s**t and leave it outside the door.  Also get the locks changed.  He won't know what to do.  Leave the note like Cathy said and be done with him.  Don't answer the door if he knocks, don't answer his calls, etc.  When you are ready you can talk to him over the phone or face to face in public and say I can't be with you anymore.  That is it!  Hope this helps.

[cathy5841]

hi dove, can you maybe write all your feelings in a letter to him and tell him has to go.  leave it for him and go on a mini-vacation.  ask him to be gone when you get back.  just a thought.  you really do need to deal with this issue and move on with your life.  good luck sweetie and i am here if you want to talk.
cathy

[dove3053]

My problem is I can't leave I own my place. Him and I are not married nor is he entitiled to anything I have. I had been seperated for many years from my last husband and when he filed for divorce he tried to take my condo which I had long before I ever knew him. I never filed for divorce from my last husband because I thought he would die because he was in bad shape otherwise I would have.

So after fighting so hard for something that is mine to begin with, leaving is not an option. It's him that has to leave.

Dove

[Firefaery1023]

This is my problem too with my husband.  He told me he wasn't going to stop the pain killers.  One of the other reason I would run out other than I was abusing is that my husband would take mine as well.  Well this weekend I left, well it isn't only because of the pain killers but the person he has become because of them.  I talked to him Monday and gave him an ultimatium, I said things need to change or I am gone for good.  I told him I can't live like this anymore.  I am just waiting for him to slip up again.  If he doesn't great but if he does I am going to my parents until I can find a place.  If you need to talk just let me know.
Love,
Fire

[lostdreams]

Hi, my ex was the same, i tried so hard to clean myself up but he dragged me back down to the gutter. I didnt know how to leave him either, if i said i was gonna leave he broke down and said all the usual c**p, in the end i went to my mothers for sunday dinner and i never went back, lmao. that was 1and half years ago. I'm not saying do this but i will tell you i'm soooo glad to be away from him. You will be too if it gets to you that much!!
Hope your ok and you can do this if you really want to!
Lost