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trying to say No!
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trying to say No!

I have not had a perc since Saturday. I feel ok, as the w/d's came and (hopefully) went. This was the 1st time i weened myself down, and now - nothing. All my past attempts (three in the past yr), I stayed out of work for 3 days and basically did whatever i could to sleep thru it all. However, once I woke up from my 3 day 'coma'; i was right back where i started... My problem now: It wont leave my mind! Its almost like my brain is programed to believe, "if you want to get work done, take a pill", "if you want to focus, take a pill"... Im trying to inhale and exhale. Im trying to tell myself, i will be right back were i started if I get one. Then the devil sits on the shoulder and says, "just one"...
I sat and read my journal last night dated Dec 2008. I had entrys begging for strentgh to get thru this. One entry would say that I havent had a pill in days, then the next would say; I gave in! When i was reading and 1st saw that I quit (as i didnt even remember), I would get happy and confident. Then reading how i kept giving in, took my confidence away. I havent been able to STAY clean in so long. Why is now any different? I mean, I feel like im at a different place in my life. Anger comes to the surface - why am I supporting someone else by giving them all my money. I dont want them to have my money.. those sentences have helped (a little).
Im hoping someone can say something that will click in my already programed brain to just say No!!!
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Hi and congratulations on your day 5. I can say something to help but I'm not sure it will click as it took a long time for me. The thing is AFTERCARE. You need to go to na/aa or get counseling or you will most likely keep relapsing. This addiction is extreemly serious. It ruins and takes lives by the second. We keep expecting that it will be easy next time and just stop, go through the pain of wds and start all over again and it doesn't work because we don't change anything in the way we're going about this. Statisticly very few people get and stay clean from opiates. The chances do go up with some sort of aftercare. Everyone (like I did) has an excuse why they can't get help. It's a matter of having your life and soul back. It's the most important thing an addict can do is stay clean so you need to pull out all the guns and battle this thing with all that you and everyone else has got. You won't be able to do this  alone. Please think about aftercare. It took many relapses for me to surrender and realize that I needed the help of others and I learned so much about my addiction. It pretty much works everyone the same way. Once the pain of using gets stronger than the pain of quitting we then surrender. Well the saying goes something like that. I hope that you get the strength and support to remain clean. Best of luck to you. Corey
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with Corey, getting some type of aftecare is very important to STAY clean. Those thoughts your having are actually quite normal for us addicts, the mind games we play trying to justify why it's ok to take just one, but it's not. I was just curious, what is the longest you have been able to stay off them? Congrats on 5 days now i think? It takes some work and re-training our brains to live without drugs, but it's SO worth it. Stay strong and keep posting! As we recover and heal, it does get easier so hang in there and NO PILLS:) Are you willing to find any type of aftercare?
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Avatar_m_tn
Congrats on 5 days and i also agree with the above i was a heroin addict for13 yrs i had the same thoughts as you are having i think thats normal i carried a lot of guilt for a long time iv been clean 200 plus days and only been happy the last 2 days its hard work but so worht it good luck you will get there in the end and like corey and gizzy said get some aftercare it will help big time
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