Thank all of you for helping me,its great to just be able to talk to people who know what this thing is all about. catuf what you said hit home hard with me,I am the only person that knows the depth of my wifes addiction,if I dont help her I feel the end result will be on my shoulders. But to help her will mean to destroy her at this point in her life,she has begged me not to tell her family or any one else for that matter,she has a very public bussiness that she would probably loose, if it was brought out that she has a drug problem. I dont want to hurt her in any way,but I dont want to kill her either. She has decided to leave me at this point,she blames it on other things but I know it is because I am on her hard about the drugs,she is just walking out she is leaving every thing,she has told me if I keep my mouth closed she will just go away,wow talk about putting a price on love!! I know that I have a very hard decision to make at this point,should I get her the help she needs or should I hope she will get it her self before it is too late??. Thanks to every one for just letting me vent I hope all of you are doing well with your own battles and will do all I can for you if you need.
I am so sorry about the recent events with your wife.
IT is such a hard call...but one thing you have to remember no matter what! Is this:
IF and I strongly mean IF something bad were to happen..you can't place that blame on yourself. You have tried helping her, and right now she wants to run. I guess maybe...like I said it is such a hard call either way you go...Let's put it this way..
If it were me and my husband was playing the role of your wife...I guess I would let them leave..but FOR NOW. Maybe just maybe the time apart or her being away from the stress of having to "deal" with this will work itself out when she is alone. Where is it she will go? What have you told her parents about her leaving? Or is she telling them the same she is telling you, you spoke of "other reasons" so I am assuming that is what she is telling her parents too? Or, if she feels she needs to run for fear of you telling everyone of her addiction maybe try approaching it differently by asking her to stay...with you..and that you will help her through. Noone has to know. Or have you already tried that too? Also, IF it does come out she has a problem it does not necessarily mean "everyone" will find out- her business etc. And even if it did, I find that more often than not people are truly understanding and would like to see her get help -vs- taking everything out of her life. If that is her concern. Her saying "she will just go away" only tells me that her fear is talking, and if she leaves now no-one has to know or will find out...CONT'd....
It is so hard to distinguish here...what it is you should do.
But I guess like I said see what happens..but don't let her get too far away from you. If you see she is getting worse...then maybe jump in right there, no holds barred.
If someone doesn't want help, it makes it all the more harder on the people who want to help us. If nothing else maybe I would talk to her parents, or one..depending on if there is one more compromising than the other...and ask that it be kept between you and them. If her supply gets cut off that is ONE huge step in the right direction. She can get off these, but it will take alot out of you trying to get her there. I understand you have children involved as well...they will need at least ONE of you to be strong here.
Trying to get her to understand she needs help obviously isn't going to do it...but there are ways to get it done. But it is figuring out which way to turn to get there.
And one more thing I ask you to consider..IF the worst happened and she lost her business, etc...that would NOT be you doing the hurt to her..it is her that has done it to herself and your family. No offense intended there, but me as an addict know this NOW. I am who got me here nobody else. If that did all happen, she would have learned a hard lesson..hopefully that won't be what it comes down to. OR..if it has to come down to you putting your foot down and saying to her...NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUN...We have children who need you, your family needs you and if this is how it is going to be then I HAVE NO choice but to involve your parents or whoever, unless you want to stick it out here with me and get through this "privately"..give HER the altimatum and don't allow her to give one to you. I agree that she needs help, but at the same time you have to keep healthy too. Wish there was ONE simple answer for you hun....but I hope this is at least of some help.
E-mail me if you would like. But please at least keep ms posted ok?
I'm here if you need.
I have been in the spot your in, my husband still blames himself for allowing my drug use to get as bad as it did but it was not his fault or is it yours she will not quit for any one she has to do it for herself I know i wouldnt not for my kids,hubby,mom or my dad who was dying and when he died I went total balls out and got worse. I am clean right now well at least from pills and methadone but it is always a battle good luck and keep posting
do not blame your self! she needs to admit she has a promblem first until then she will do nothing, like you said keep an eye on her an djust take care of you and your kid and see what happens my hubby blames himself because when i was out of pills he would score for me only because he couldnt watch me suffer in w/ds at the end I was taking 50-60 pills a day and then went on methadone worse then pills, just keep posting well help you through this
I just want you to know that I am not telling you what to do, and if I sound harsh I honesly do not intend to. And I certainly don't want to seem as though I am "preaching" to you.
I am honestly only speaking from MY own personal experience, and what I know of HOW I got here, etc....I know that 2 motnhs ago NOBODY could say anything that I would care to hear to get me to stop...I wanted what I wanted and that was IT, ( my pills). So I totally understand.
I in no way am speaking bad of your wife or anything that you are doing. I totally understand her as I am speaking now as the ADDICT.. and I totally understand you. I just am only trying to offer what I can and hope it will be of some help in anyway.
I hope you know that.
If you thought it would be of any help at all she could even call me...I know that is probably not an option for her, but know it is there if need be. I would have NO problem giving you/her my number if she wanted to talk. I have been and am there, right where she is...
Thanks for the reply. She has signed a 15 mo lease on a apartment,the children are not ours together she had been married before.,as for what she has told people I dont know,but I do know they look at me different now,Im sure she has placed the blame on me but I dont care about that ,in the end the truth will be known. I guess I just need releize that its not my fault and I gave it my best,I feel if though I am giving up,I have a 14 yr old daughter that lives with me and I need to focus on her future. Maybe I will just keep a eye on her and if she starts to get real bad I will try to get her parents to help her,she is so determined she doesnt have a problem that sometimes I have to ask myself if she does,but I cant thing with the amount she has been doing and the length of time that she cant have a problem.Thanks a lot Tracy for just talking to me ! when im sworn to silence it makes it hard to cope with sometimes.
If you ever need someone to talk to I will be here for you or feel free to email me, keep your chin up and keep digging
I gave her this sight the other day and asked her to check it out,that evening I asked what she thought and she just said all it was was a bunch of people talking about there aim not working,I dont think she even opened any post.Thank you for the offer but I doubt she would call you,I think that would help but that would be truth and she wont deal with that,I tryed to get her to go to narcnon with me and she laughed,chem thanks for the info it makes me feel a little better about myself.
Yeah there was talk of aim's not working however there are a TON of other posts too regarding our dilemma.
But you seem to be accepting this just fine...and you are totally RIGHT you did what you could.
It took me 3 years to get to this point! So...hopefully she will take another look in here and take the time to read through some of the posts pertaining to her struggle.
You got my e-mail hun!
Keep your head up! It will all turn out ok..and never think you are giving up! You haven't plus it isn't you who needs the fixing hun.. and I KNOW that if she were to come to you in the future and admits, you will be right there for her!
Have you considered going to a Alanon meeting for yourself? I realize that this typically is an "family of alcoholics" type meeting but you will find many people there whose loved ones are drug addicts. I'm not aware of a family of narcotics anonymous type meetings. Here in TN, at least where I live, N/A and A/A are held together.
Watching someone you love destroy themself is horrible. My husband is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict who has been sober for 5 years. He is still very difficult at times. He's angry, resentful, bitter, etc... He'll blame me and the rest of the world for all of his problems. Even if your wife were to clean up, she very well may go through this as well. You will need to find some type of support for yourself because it is not easy. There were times I felt like it was better when my husband was using. I at least knew what to expect with his moods.
Good luck to you. You have some hard choices to make. Only you ultimately will know what is best.
Hey honey! how are you first of all?? I hope you are hanging in there. What type of problem does your wife have? What is her drug of choice? Well, I had a percocet problem, and I did get carried away with it, and I hide it from my boyfriend, I mean I didn't have my own business to lose or anything, but I do have a 7 month old daughter that is my world!! When I did finally admitt it to my boyfriend, he didn't flip out! The reason I never told him because I was afraid he wasn't going to understand. Well, he did at first. You can't yell, or throw threats at her, you need to let her take her time at this, if she's admitting theres a problem that's the first step, don't embarass her by going out and putting her business out there when she's not ready, she's came to you because you are her best friend and she knows she can trust you, don't break that right now, she needs you!! My boyfriend threw it back in my face, and threatened to take my daughter after he pretended like he cared (I mean I know he does, but I don't need all that other stuff being pushed in my face) Addiction is something very hard to overcome....when you are so used to depending on something and it's tooken away, or you know you need it out of your life, it's almost like losing someone you love...i'm trying to make you understand, sorry if i'm not doing a good job. But I threaten to leave my boyfriend because of the way he acts, I don't need him controlling me I need him beside me. So you need to sit down and talk to her, you need to try to put yourself in her shoes, you don't know how the withdrawls go, and how the mood swings get, and all of that. Right now she is extremely weak and is looking for you to help pick her up, but you cannot hold her up, you get what I am saying? I am going off of not even knowing what she's addicted too....her mood swings are CRAZY right now and she probaly really doesn't want to leave you, it's just her emotions don't know what to do! She doesn't know how to react to life right now!!! Then again, I don't know the whole situation so, I can't say to much! Get back at me and let me know more and I'll try to help you as much as possible, considering I was ready to leave my boyfriend over all of this!!! But there are other things that make me want to leave him now as well!!!
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