vicodan... I can't believe its me

[lilolme29]

God I hate myself for letting it get this far. I started taking vicodan for headaches.  I tried to do the right thing knowing addiction runs in my family. I know I can do this, I have quit smoking for over 2 years, but my God this *****.  I have two kids who are what is keeping me going, my husband who is trying to be understanding and the only one who really 'knows'.

It started out vicodan 5mg as needed ... and I needed it more and more, then it wouldn't work so I would take two- always honest with my doctor and he gave me 10mgs. Same thing happened, I would take as needed but then I needed it more and more... and my 30 pills wouldn't last me, so I got a pill here or there from whomever I knew had them, but I was okay with it because I NEEDED it..... my head was hurting.... then.. now, I looked at my 90pills that I got for 3 months and in a little over two weeks I had 50 left maybe, that means in 2+ weeks I took 30pills, I flushed the rest, I couldn't handle it.  

It breaks my heart that I have let myself get this far into it.  Today is day one with nothing, and I am dying. sick ... hurting, headache, chills, my God....

I keep praying that it will stop and I will feel better, I know I have to suffer through this, and I fully intend to so I can be the mom to my kids and the wife to my husband they all need.

Please tell me this will not last forever, I need to feel some relief.

To make it worse I already suffer from GAD and take meds for that (cymbolta) I was on onther stuff for the migranes and also on ambian for sleep, I am still taking that and just treating the sysmptoms as I can....

I am a mom, a MOTHER, this shouldn't be me......

[TrayCee]

you'll be sick for about a week, then the hard parts starts.  Its tough but do-able.  People do it every day.

Good Luck!

[kim715]

Hi and welcome,and congrats to you for deciding to take control of your life back.Like Traycee said,you are going to feel like you have the super flu for about 5-8 days,then you should start to feel better physically everyday that passes.Exercise is the best weapon in fighting the w/ds,and although it's hard,get as much as possible,it really does help.You can look up the thomas' recipe and the amino acid protocol in the health pages here,top right.Keep posting and work on getting started with some type of after care,such as meetings.The physical part is rough,but the mental part is the real battle.All the best to you...Kim

[tooklastdose]

This will not last forever.  In a week, you will be getting your life back.

[troubleinohio]

...this is something I tell quite a few mothers on here who are facing WD. (I Finally remembered to copy my post and paste it for future reference so if you've seen this before its exactly the same as last time i posted it) but anyways... I know you are very scared of WD right now and I often like to compare it to when you are pregnant and about to have your baby. Since you are a mom you should be able to relate. WD is, in a loose way, similar to being pregnant with your first child. You are scared of the unknown and scared of the pain to come. but you KNOW that baby HAS to come out at some point, you cant stay pregnant forever!! You resolve yourself to the fate of the pain of labor and delivery, it is inevitable. WD is the same way..you know it's going to be difficult and painful and you know theres no way to avoid it.  But, you got through the labor and delivery of that baby, didn't you? Sure you may have nearly bent the metal bed rail handles off the bed it hurt so bad, but you got through it! And you had a beautiful, sweet baby to show for it when all was said and done.  With WD, you suffer through the inevitable pain and guess what, you still have something good to show for it when youre done! A new, CLEAN life! Life free of slavery to those pills! A life where you can be a real mom to your kids again. Not one who is always preoccupied with either chasing a high from pills, counting pills, worrying about where the next set of them are coming from! A mom who can give her full attention and love to her children again!   Trust me, its a battle worth fighting for!

[lilolme29]

I have to feel normal, I don't have a plan.... It wasn't even a plan to find this group, but Im prying its the right choice for me.

Its hard enough for me to type this out here let alone admit it to everyone I know that I some how lost myself and became the thing I hate.

this is awful....

[kim715]

Great post TIO!!!!

[lilolme29]

thanks, I am still awake and don't really feel like I can sleep.

this *****

[worried878]

Addiction knows no boundaries..it happens to he best of us...do not beat urself up...and do not hate urself...instead u ned to love urself,,,and admire urself for flushin...do u know how much will-power flushing takes?

u know u r faling and u r letting go...what more can u ask of urself?  yes we could ask that we were not gifted withan addiction prone brain?  But we were somehow "defective" in our brain chemistry....many others have more detrimental roblems than we have..i c them often being a nurse...at least it is in our power to let go of our disease/it is mind over matter in essence

u have done everything an addict should do,,,u r letting go,,..I am not saying we do not play a part is succumbing to this crud...but we have to give ourselves a break here and there...many can take narcs for a long time and just STOP..they may have a few physical symptoms but it is not the same....we who r addicts//know deep down that we r an addict..and we can STOP...just takes a bit more work than non-addicts

Feel proud for ur clean time...CONGRATS on ur clean time...and keep posting..this forum is full of support///great place to be for u right now