weak and defeated

Question

i went thru detox with friends on here in june, july. climbin and iwant my lifback really helped me along with everyone elses uplifting post. well i relapses after 22 days. i thought i was doin good feeloin good life was better. i was back where i needed to be sober. and i knew i did,nt need to start back. i knew the consequences. why do we start back? that is what i have been dealing with for the last 2 months or so . i used to hold on to money like it was everything all important. butwhen it comes to pills i let it fly. i don,t like myself much right now. my friend called me and told me he had 30 oxys and i told him i was pillfree and that was that . well that afternoon i saw him at the gas station and i went off from there. apoligies to the ones i decieved

PurrfectlyKrazy · Answer

Okay Saspan...you detoxed this summer before I did so I haven't met you yet.  I'm really glad that I'm meeting you now.  

I noticed something on your postings...you are too hard on yourself.  You do realize you are a human being right?  God doesn't even expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to be humble, recognize our mistakes and learn from them.

You are not the first one to relapse and you won't be the last.  Learn from your mistakes this time and fix what needs to be fixed.  Maybe you need a different type of aftercare, maybe you were unable to get rid of all your sources...whatever it is you can fix the problem.

The one problem I hope you fix is your self-esteem and confidence.  You have a disease hon...you aren't a monster or anything like that.  Like all diseases we have to learn how to manage them.  Please don't put yourself down so much...you need to learn to love yourself.

You should love yourself...do you realize how many people are out there that never even try to get clean or humble themselves enough to ask for help or have the courage to say "I screwed up"  Pat yourself on the back...yes, you fell off the wagon...get right back on the wagon and remind yourself of how brave you have been up to now!!!

saspan · Answer

i,m not gonna go on maintenance drugs, im gonna try and tuff it out .last evening i thought back on my 22nd day opiate free and i felt good and somewhat normal back then. mind over matter at the present time.

Jinx_777 · Answer

if you can, stay away from sub's.  if you truly want to be clean, using an opiate is not the way.  you may have handled it years ago, but you are in a dark place where you HATE drugs and want to be clean.  
you missed the aftercare.  that is essential in staying clean.  
it is a DISEASE that cannot be treated with more opiates.  you can put it in remission by taking aftercare seriously and work hard in the program you choose.  just like diabetics have to take insulin to keep it in control, addicts need aftercare to keep it in control.
just my opinion.  respect and support whatever you decide to do.  but you CAN do this without maintenance opiates

saspan · Answer

I,m gonna try ro get an na meeting this week. man I,m just done. stick a fork in me already.

jifmoc · Answer

Sas- you are SO hard on yourself!!! Why do we do the same thing over and over? (the definition of insanity, btw) because we are addicts, that's why.

You didn't answer the aftercare question. Do you go?  Before I started going I kept going back to pills, just like you.

saspan · Answer

having a ruff go tonite. I think I,m  better off on a maintenance program. got along quite well for 3 yrs on suboxone. some people just cant get it right.

saspan · Answer

i really appreciate the great words of encouragement. i dont, think i,ve got anything left in the tank. i,m so tired. i,m so mad at myself for my repetitive behavior. i had 21 days and was feeling great getting out socially and enjoying people in general. the minute  i took another pill i went back into isolation. i don,t like the way narcotics seperates you from your family and friends. but yet i go back time after time. sometimes i think it would be easier if i had no money. i guess i,m gonna try one more time to kill this demon. why does someone do the same thing over and over is beyond me. thanks for the kind words of encouragement . robert

Pat1956100 · Answer

I know you feel that way right now and I can relate.  I watched a movie this morning and it set me off on a huge crying spell.  I do feel better now.
I actually felt a little angry after.  I liked that feeling much better.  It made me feel stronger.

Day 2 is great and you are on your way again.  I'm sure you're feeling rough but you are half way through the physical part.

Merri123 · Answer

Uh uh. No no you don't!  So you tripped. Now you have gotten on your feet and stood up again. You are not worthless and none of us here will let you go there. 

It is the pills talking. Messing with your head. I know you are depressed but don't let it win. Get out and get some fresh air. Go to a meeting and talk or just listen. Go to church. 

Let yourself feel. You have too. Cry shout get it out. Write it down. Then toss it in the garbage and start getting positive about you. You deserve it. We have been there and made it through. And you can too. 

Your life is worth every molecule of air you breath. Don't ever forget that.

saspan · Answer

i guess i,m just a glutton for punishment. knowing full well the consequences. i,m back at day 2 a worthless undependable body taking up air someone else more worthy could use.

Pat1956100 · Answer

I have come crawling back here many times my friend.  You will never be turned away.  
Are you starting a new detox?  I am on day 4.
You are never alone when you post on here.
Hugs

Jinx_777 · Answer

the only person you let down was yourself.

getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard part.  
aftercare, aftercare, aftercare.  doesn't have to be NA, but you should at least try it.

you are always going to be confronted with pills, just like alcohol is in an alcoholic's face all the time, you have to have the tools to say 'no' and mean it

just pick up where you left off and get aftercare

Ejm7263 · Answer

Don't beat yourself up. Figure out what went wrong & stop it. We love our insanity. We think we can keep doing things, seeing people. You have to change everything. 
Get to an AA/NA meeting, church, aftercare....all of the above. 
Please, please take some action quick while your thinking the right way. 
GOD bless you.....get right back on track!!!
You can do this.

lulu747 · Answer

Ack.  I'm sorry to read this.  Don't beat yourself up, it's a complete waste of energy.  Just identify how you may combat this in the future.  As Sara mentioned above AFTERCARE AFTERCARE AFTERCARE.
If you set yourself up with a good recovery program, then in a moment like the one you experienced you could have called a sober friend or sponsor.  Gone out and eaten a big chocolate sundae and talked about it.  Or gone for a walk or run (this always helped me...I miss running)
It's a bump in the road but it doesn't mean you can't still walk that road to freedom.
One day at a time....
Lu

dominosarah · Answer

Did you do any type of aftercare?  Dont be real hard on yourself as that wont get you anywhere.  Brush yourself off and come back fighting for you,  You are worth it!