weird sex while using crack

[melacholy]

My husband is a crack user.  I just found out about a year ago how bad he needed it one night.  I have a hunch that he spent all of his $500 Christmas bonus last year on crack.  The reason I am concerned is because he likes to have weird sex when he is high.   I do not know how long he has been using.  He was a truck driver for ten years and I thought he was clean but am not sure now. He now works at a local trucking company.   I would find sex tapes in his big truck when he came home.  Now I am thinking that he has been doing things on the road.  His sister is a co-crack smoker.  She and I do not get along.  A few weeks ago his sister and him went on an over night binge I guess.  She told me that my husband wanted her to participate in weird sex acts with African American people. She has been known to lie so I do not know if it is the truth or not. It really freaked me out because he has tried to get me to do stuff with African American people also. I would not do it.  He has always wanted to do weird stuff.  I have participated but not with other people.  I caught him at a African American house last night.  I pitched a fit to get him home.  I am worried because he has not wanted to do any thing weird with me and if he has been smoking crack, who has he been with.  I also know if I leave him he will wind up in the gutter.  This situation is making me so depressed.  It is keeping me from concentrating on my job.  My deceased mother was a prescription drug addict.  My oldest son had or still has a drug problem.  What am I to do?  Someone please help me.  I am losing my mind.  

[melacholy]

How can  take care of myself?  How can I help him?  I know I cannot make him stop.  We have been married for 30 years and have been through a lot.

[kimmiek]

Wow, 30 years!  Thats too much to throw away, for him and you!  Thats a shame hes doing this to himself and to you.  I will pray for you guys.  That really sux that he is falling so hard.  sounds like his addiction is not just crack, but maybe porn too.  porn addiction is just as if not more hard to deal with as the other stuff.  with porn theres not obvious "proof" like a high. ive had to deal with porn addiction and it was very hard and only by Gods grace and mercy did my marriage survive and grow.  Melacholy i really feel for you and I really hope things come out in the open so you know what your dealing with. God bless, I hope the best for ya.  

[melacholy]

You really think he is doing things without me.  How can I be sure?  Right now he has a job  injury and has been  back to work since June with extreme back pain. He turned over his truck the other day and has been depressed about it.  I found a note from him that sounded like a suicide note.  It was written before the last crack incident.  I found it after I found him at the African American"s house.  He has laid down on the couch and is not going to work.  He has done this before.

[banana911]

oh god please don't take this too seriously, i am on the fringes of recovery, if that.  but for your own safety - - - assume the worst & hope for the best.  

he sounds like someone you would not be able to aproach or discuss addiction with.  am i right?  

wait, i just read some stuff over again, you have been married for 30 years?  i am not in a position to discuss then, that is A LOT of history.  be carefule.  take care of yourself.  know what addicts do (especially crack!)  there are a lot of things crack can do to you that are so out of ones personality.  especially if there is a sex thing involved.  take care of yourself first & foremost.  i don't know how to approach him, has he even indicated that he wants any help or change.  

oh prayers hugs & kisses to you!!!!!

you have a real situation there.  please keep in touch with us.  do you have any other forum of suppport.  please keep with us even if we just babble..   crack & sex is a very tempestious thing, unpredictable.  you first baby - you sound like you have a real heart.  

[banana911]

just read your post while i was posting also "do you really think"  i don't mean to panic you or sound like an alarmist, no one can assume anything, we;ve only heard a few lines of info here..  but you need to have all your receptors up.  allllll the signs are there.

[Savas]

Crack removes/destroys all inhibitions and thoughts of common sense. The fact that he's performing sexual acts he won't normally do off of the drug is all the proof you need. I never know what to say to the crack addicts or family of crack addicts who come on here. What little dealings I've had with serious crack users has made me wary of them.
    It's the one drug that causes such severe physio/psychological changes to the personality and brain, that my first advice to a family member of a dedicated crack users is to tell them to walk out the door immediately. Collect what's important to you, freeze your bank accounts, and leave.

I hope to God I'm wrong and there's some hope for your husband. Some do actually get clean. But...the damage is permanent. They tend to be hyperactive, difficult to reason with, and easily prone to violence. Following through on a thought or responsibility has become an impossibility for them. It gets to a point where they can't help this, they're like this even without the drug.

Lord, someone out there tell me I'm wrong and you're a reformed crack addict so we can give this poor woman SOME hope.

[NautyOne]

Being an amateur radio operator.....CB & Ham Radio...I know what truckers do.  have you ever heard of the term lot lizard??  they hang around truck stops, basically .....hookers.  It's funny--not to stereotype--but, most of them are black women.  Many truckers solicit their services, but the fact that he had tapes, and assuming that he had something to watch them on in his truck.......hopefully that's where he kept his business because those women are NASTY..........I wish you luck, and hope your hubby comes to his senses, as you have been married for a long time

Nauty.............

[melacholy]

Thank you all so much.  It is so nice to hear from people who care.   I will do the AL A NON thing.  Yes. Please tell me there is hope.  He gets really mad and takes me the wrong way. I love my husband.  He has a good heart.  I do not have any valuables missing.  I think he is worth saving.  I wish he only knew how much I love him.  Please do pray for my family.  My son was or is addicted to meth.

[Dream_to_illusion]

I would agree that Crack addicts will do just about anything. What will happen if he starts blowing all your savings, takes out loans etc. I am young we stole and went to jail and got in fights but grown people they can use many means of getting money. I HATE Crack it is horrible and coke can only be shot imo. I don't use either anymore and when I did after a year of using it by itself I always had a downer to keep me from stealing, searching the floor cause there must be crack there. I would get away it sounds like a very subtle but nonetheless abusive relationship. RUN, but you won't so good luck to you. Have him do a stint, maybe he will clean up.

[avisg]

Plz take care of yourself , If you suspect that he has been unfaithful at all ,plz make an appointment with a doctor and get an Ato Z check up . Make sure to let the doctor know what you suspect.
You have to take care of yourself and you health
avis

[dove3053]

My heart goes out to you. I would consider leaving your husband until things get better or if they don't then move on. I know when you married your husband this was not what you had in mind. Sounds like your a nice person in a bad place. You say he has always wanted to do weird stuff. My ex-husband was on cocaine and I had a similar problem to yours so I know how you feel. I have since divorced him and moved on. That was the best thing and only thing I could do.

Dove

[Joanne19792001]

My ex and sons dad is crack user. He is HORRIBLE when he is on it. He has done some really nasty things to me & family and it turns him into a totally different person. When he is not on crack he is a totally calmer and more rational person and wouldn't do half the things hewould when on it. I won't say he's an angel when he's not on it cos he's not he's quite a paranoid, jealous person anyway but he can manage to control that without the crack but with it he totally out of control. He used to sit outside my house on a night chanting about killing me thats how strange he is! When we were both using it years ago i can't even imagine doing some of stupid things i did and the moods i used to get in were unbelievable. When we first started using it together we used it more & more cos ofhow good sex was on it and i know that when we split up he slept with people he'd be scared to go near if hewasn'ton it. Even though i have had really bad experiences with partner being on crack i still think there is hope for you.30years is such a long time and alot of marriages don't survive even half of that without the problems you are going through. I got back with ex earlier this year and when he was clean and it was like being with a different person to when he was using. The problemisiam 19wks pregnant we have split up and he's started using again. The onlt time he stays clean is when he's got me & his son to keep him that way but it'll never work if he not doing it for himself.
The only advice i have is you know the person he was before he was on this s*** and you know if he is worth all the heartache. That person is still their but unfortunatly you might not be able to see him at moment. If he is using crack all time and it is affecting his moods i would be very careful about confronting him if he been on a crack binge and if it is affecting his life that much that it is putting you in danger you can still support him without living in same place and letting yourself suffer.

[Spooked]

Honey....many of us are addicts here so we tend to be more understanding than the general public. Even so, those of us that post here know better than most what to watch out for and you are getting some pretty strong warnings here.

Thirty years is a long time but don't forget this: the rest of YOUR life will be what YOU decide to make out of it.  

Assuming your husband and marriage is worth saving....you CANNOT GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP if you hope to make the most of the time you have left!!  Even a sunken ship can be raised from the bottom after it has sunk, but only if there is someone left on the surface to raise it back up.

How can you take care of yourself, you ask? This is the only answer I can give you:

I don't know whether you have ever been a leader in your life or whether you have ever had a leadership role in your relationship with your husband. Either way, now is the time for you to be a leader, Sugar!  The rest of your life is WHAT YOU MAKE OUT OF IT. We only get one trip around the track, So start there. Decide to make the rest your life a place where you have a chance at making yourself  happy. Remember that you cannot control whether others choose to do the right things  with their lives. Give yourself that freedom. Know that you can only live the best way you know how and hope that the ones that you love will follow that lead.  Build a life where you can have a chance to be happy and encourage the ones that you love to walk along side you in that effort. What I am suggesting is not so much "tough love" as it is self-determination and self-preservation.  Make yourself happy and then ask your husband to come with you if he can. But, you cannot let him come with you if doing so will destroy you!  If you do not set those boundries then you are destined to become a victim of your husband's demons also.  When they beat him..then they wind up beating you too.  As sad as it may be, you must be willing to let him go if necessary.

Move out if you have to (and it sounds like you might have to). Find a space that you have control over.  Build yourself a boundary within which only you have control (your own $, your own space, your own groceries, your own rules).  Tell him that you do not want to do it, but you must for your own peace and your own sanity.  Tell him you are not punishing him. Tell him that if you could, you would reach out save him too, but that you have come to understand that you cannot be the one to do that for him...no one can...only he can DECIDE to save himself. Tell him that you love him very much and you want him to grow old with you but you cannot make him save himself.  Tell him that this is the hardest thing you have ever done.  Tell him that you pray that he finds it in his heart to do the same.

Best of luck. Our thoughts and concerns are with you.

[heartbroken25]

I have been going out with my boyfriend 4 quite a while now and he is the loveliest, most kind hearted generous person I know but he smokes crack. Its wierd because i always had the perception that crack users needed a fix all the time every day, but my boyfriend can go nights without it even if it is sitting there on the bedside cabinet. I do see signs of anxiety though, like he cant sleep and he will eat constantly and start cleaning the room whilst we are in bed watchin dvd's etc... When he does smoke crack, he starts talking about things like the whole world is against him and all he has seen in his life is pain etc... I know he has been through alot but all I see is negativity and gloom. He talks about trying to get away from the devil alot and all the faith he has in God but im starting to wonder if this is all crack talk because his way of thinking is all abit extreme and strange to me. When he is on it, he is quite affectionate and likes talking about our relationship and his feeling towards me which I dont know whether they are real or fake but when he is off it he is very distant and less affectionate with me.  As time has gone by he has become very selfish and does not consider my feelings anymore. If im upset or hurt he will simply cut me off and not see me or have any contact with me till a week later in which that week i dont know or atually, im pretty sure he is with other women to get his mind off his life and depression. He says he loves me and cares 4 me more than anything but I dont know whether I believe him anymore. I used to believe him but if he is cheating on me and acting this way with me I dont know how to feel. Iv tried leaving several times but he always drags me back in emotionally saying he shows me more love than he has ever shown anyone and that he doesnt want me to ever leave him.... what do I do and is his behaviour a major part of his crack habit??? I love him and dont want to leave him because I can see he is destroying his life and he doesnt deserve it! He doesn't want to stop smokin crack, noone can make him but what can help??? he wont go to rehab or anywhere so emotionally what can I do4him 2mhelp or make him have hope n feel better??? This is very emotional because he is such a lovely, caring person with a big heart... he doesnt ever want to hurt anybody.

He also makes alot of money which he very hard for. he does it all for his mum, me and his sons... being on crack im suprised that he still does his best to provide 4 his family, which he ''says'' comes before the crack.

[GirlVeteran]

I'm gonna just lay it out straight.  First of all it would be great if you would open your perspective wide enough to stop using the term "African American" like it's a dirty word.  It's not these people's fault your husband may not BE READY to seek help for himself.  Because, that's who he's gotta do it for.  It's good to have incentives like family to help us to stay clean but you cannot be his sole reason to do it and it can't be because you drag him kicking and screaming.  One has to truly surrender to the addiction and admit they're licked before they will have the ears to hear the healing message of recovery.  I can't state enough that he is responsible for his choices... nothing you can say or do will change him and don't feel guilty like you failed him as a wife.  He is continuing to make the conscious decision to use and it's certainly not the fault of any certain other race, gender, or other.

[leeisgettingclean]

i agree with EVERY word GirlVeteran said, and could not have said better myself. only add, you already spent 30 years, are you really willing to waste another 30? leave

[DavaSage]

Your friend is suffering from a sickness of the soul. If you are religious, contact me I will pray for you both.

Seriously.

I am not going to preach to anyone, but I know of what I speak.  

[DavaSage]

I had a friend in 1984 that was operating his dads drive in liquor store, and supporting a $400 day coke habit by dealing. Crossed some Columbians, they drove in one Friday nite, ordered a 5th of Vodka and shot him in the face over a $30 large debt. Hes gone.

Meth, etc all have the same effects on people.

He was paranoid, carried a 357 and once shot it in his apratment at a squirrel thru his storm glass door shattering it.

Said someone was "breaking in".

He was insane. And it cost him his life.

[SophieShine]

Hey guys this is a post from 2007!!!

Heartbroken25 why don't you copy and paste your post and start your own thread. You will have more chance to get an accurate answer.
Best of luck. Sophie.