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1238606 tn?1304201621

what to do when you screw up!!!

After almost a year of being clean, I screwed up. I am in the process of moving and while moving I found a bottle of stadol.  Stupid me uses it, I was so messed up and then made an ecuse to go to hospital to get more drugs.  they gave me dilaudid that I didn't need.  I feel like the worst person in the world. Tell me why after so long I still want it. I am not sucidal but don't feel worthy to even have a family or people to care.  I hurt so bad inside and so depressed.  I know the bipolar plays apart but don't feel like it is an escuse.  I sit here crying cause I know people have it worst than me.  I am not a horrible person but feel the pain like I am. Does anyone feel like I do.  I haven't posted on here cause I feel so ashamed. People work so hard to be clean but I ruin in in one night. I am not looking for sympaty honestly I don't know what I am looking far. it just feels better to admit it. To everyone that has helped me, I am so sorry to dissapoint anyone of you
                                                      so ahamed
                                                          naomi
13 Responses
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1238606 tn?1304201621
Thank yall I understand everything you all are saying. My husband does support even though he doesn't quit understand. I am just very disppointed in myself. even trying to admit I am a addict feels like i am making an excuse for my wrong choices. But I appriciate the support. I don't completly depend on the support but it helps me to know I am not alone. Naomi
Helpful - 0
736475 tn?1281259327
a year is huge! we are only human and we are addicts, so if you didn't get all that dust off yet(lol), do it now. the people who love me continued to embrace and help me through many relapses. i have learned so much, about me, about the disease, remember we have a disease, we can only keep it in remission, but it'll always be there. your god loves you all the time no matter what! keep the faith, ok? peace, sway
Helpful - 0
1314006 tn?1274201066
I would like to add something who is in love w/ an addict of vics...and this is something that i'm trying so hard to make her understand...she has been lying to me that she started to use again...and she has told me that she will never ever detox from these again. Ok. Good! I just wanted to reply to you...celebrate your sobriety for that long..and be honest, which it seems as though you are, that you messed up. Like Vicki595 and others said...just know and accept this..and go through all your steps again. Anyone who is in your circle SHOULD just love you...no matter if you have a relaps...and I think you are (as well as my love) is putting to much on being perfect and that you just can't make that mistake again!

I'm sure you aren't proud..but I can guarentee you anyone who is closest to you, just wants to love you through it...as I am doing and willing to do...we all know we are human and as much as you want to really kick this...we all want that too..but the love and the support I or anyone else gives isn't or shouldn't be dependant on that...I hope that makes sense!

Keep on having the faith!!
Helpful - 0
1238606 tn?1304201621
Thanks everyone, today is a new day and I do feel a little stronger. I am in counsiling for the bipolar but did fail to go to enough NA meetings. I have only  been to 2. I guess I had a wrarp sense of security thinking I was clean for so long I didn't need it. Now I know the importance of after care. i tend to push away the people that help me the most. It is gonna take a while to get rid of the guilt of what I did, but only one way to go and is up. Anyway thanks a bunch for all the encourging words and I will post later to let everyone know how things are going
                          Naomi
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Naomi  !!!!      I've missed you !!   Don't worry about it anymore,okay??  It's done so just move on and resolve not to do it again.  Are you getting enough support?

Keep posting now and stay in touch...when you get those thoughts or cravings,remind yourself to ask for help immediately and get on the forum and start reading !!

You're among friends here...

Vicki  xo
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
Hey girl, I answered your PM...we are all on your side...you still wanted the drugs after a year because you are an addict...you will always be an addict and evrytime you are confronted with the drug you will have to make a choice, thats where after care comes in...have you tried any 12 step meetings?  I like the 12 step program because you confront your issues as you work the steps...just a thought!!!!  you know where to find me if you need anything....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI and welcome back im sorry to here of your relapse but try not to get so discouraged
you made it a yr clean so dust yourself off and reset your tracker and start again
no one is disappointed except you...we are all here to help build you up and get clean again you have done this b/4 dont let one slip ruin it for you...I suffer with bipolar also
and your probably feeling the double slam by getting high and throwing off your bipolar meds at the same time hang in there it will get better good luck and God bless
check your e/mail I sent you a message  
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Noone here is disappointed in you......All we want is for you to get and stay clean.  Keep posting and we will be here to support you            sara
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You should actually be really proud of that year you had clean and not let one slip hold you back. I think seeing a therapist to address the depression would be a good idea and NA meetings too.

You deserve to be happy and taking steps to learn how to love yourself can ensure that you get another year and many more in clean. I think your being waaay too hard on yourself. I think the fact you were able to get a year in speaks volumes to the strong, intelligent determined woman you are. Don't believe anything less of yourself then that.

Brush yourself off, get some help for the root of your addiction (which sounds to me like depression and esteem issues) and move forward. And again, don't dwell on the fact you made a mistake, focus on the fact you did that year. The courage and strength that took all cams from within you. You already know you have it in you so do it again and take measures to make sure you get the help you need so you will be better equipped to handle temptations.

And God would never abandon you. He is just waiting for you to embrace Him again. Somehow you lost touch with Him but he loves you and now can be the turning point in your life where you grow and become happier then you've ever been by knowing you can create a wonderful future for yourself. Just take that first step. If you ever need to talk or just vent I'm a great listener.
Helpful - 0
983679 tn?1276833336
no one here is going to be mad at you. You are just going to have to dust youreelf off and keep moving---you were clean for a year so you know the ropes--keep doing what you were doing during that time. Did you do aftercare? If not, you should! Also, remember that the devil will always pop up with a reason//way to get high---have your gaurd up!! You can do this--you have already proven that. just get back to the basics--read your literture, go to meeting(90 in 90) do whatever it takes to move forward--Good luck, Lee--if you need to talk send me a message
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
kajama ...no one here is disappointed n u...u r disappointed in urself...it is normal for addicts to do what u did..we try hard not to do it..but we r not perfect..by any means!

It is not a reason to go back to using...maybe learn from it so u dont do it again?  or try hard not to do it again cos it doesnt feel so hot anymore to use???

Keep us  posting and brush it off...keep moving forward
Helpful - 0
1238606 tn?1304201621
I think the reason was becasue of the    s tress of moving then then finding the meds didn't help much. It seem it start a whole knew world.  I do see a  psyc doctory once a week to help. my biggest objective is trying to Love myself, after doing all this how do you find the courge to even like your self. I am a strong believer in God and now I feel he have even turned his bacck on me.  I know I have the the surpport here, and no judgement  It is so hard and hate my self for started the is hte first place,I wish this would be easier
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Naomi, you are the one who is disappointed here.  Everyone else just wants to help you stay clean!  Were you getting any support like meetings or anything?  Do not be ashamed.  Just get up and start again.  That wasn't a wasted year.  You are right.  You aren't a horrible person, but there is a reason that you started back after a year, and it wasn't because you found pills.  There has to be more to it, right?

You have a lot of support here!  Use it!

Hugs
Lea Ann

Helpful - 0
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