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what to do

my boyfriend is an opiate smoker .I caught him boldface lying to me and ever since then things had gotten so much worse.I thought it was cocaine but it was heroine .He told me few truths and stated he would change ,boy has he and not for the better.He tried to detox at my house which was hard because I wasn't dealing with his needs because I had my own emotions that I felt,like angry at times,wondering did he cheat is he going too? I have lost myself we started out where I was so stand offish to him wanting to date or become a couple but then about month or two later I had decided .Now I am a mess . I knew in the beginning something was off and now I know.He says he loves me ,.after supposedly detoxing in my house for 7 days he said he was clean.We weren't getting along because he didn't really care about what he did to me and i felt my needs weren't getting met,well he stole from me .Then he turns things around leaves and ignores me tells me he loves me but he needs time,doesnt call or want to see me treats me like I'm the plague.I have cried I feel so hurt and angry ,how dare you dump your addiction in my lap.Need less to say i felt he was still using and that's why he was nt talking to me .We got together the other night and he told me the truth and said he was still doing opiates. We went back to my place talked and we slept together ...i must have been nuts to think that he actually wanted help because the next night he was blowing me off ,after he said he would call me when he got off his shift but instead had me waiting ,he is a bartender ,well not going to get into the specifics too long and this mess is l;ong enough ,but I flipped.I was so mad that he came to my house and admitted all that and asaid how much he loves me and wants things to work out how he doesn't blame me for reacting the way or feeling like i did.Now we are back to the chaos and I a lunatic and he is the victim....These people are so manipulative ..I need advice to get my mind back..to be in control to let go ...i have given him to much power and i feel its wrecking my life...I am trying to improve my life and have been until now ,my head is so confused how do i deal with all these emotions while he just sits there and does his thing?




21 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there!! Okay, first of all your story sounds like a carbon copy of mine (years ago). Things will only get worse as time passes, no matter what you say or do. He's the only one that has the ability to get himself better. You are not responsible for that, or him. He got high in his big boy pants, and he can get clean in them too. I feel for you, I know you care about him, but my advice to you is to step away, I know it's hard, but on top of the heck he puts you through, it's not a safe environment for you either. My ex finally "grew" up, but by the time he did, it was too late for us. Please take care of yourself first. I wish you luck~Sherry
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Avatar_f_tn
It's hard to give up and let him go but you have to. It's that simple.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi hun, You have come to the right place. the members here are either addicts or loved ones of addicts. this is a great place for support.

I can't tell you to dump this guy and walk away. that is something you need to decide for yourself. It is pretty simple really..do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Do you want to live like this or do you think you deserve something better? I ask this because it is not going to get any better right now. He has a long way to go before he can be clean and before he can STAY clean. He hasn't even taken the first step yet and I won't get into all of that because it is a mute point at this juncture.

Before he robs you of your self-esteem make a decision. I wish you luck hun. Let us know how you are doing. Post back anytime. It helps to just get it out. there is always someone her to give you advise, suggestions, etc. Stick around.
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou so much he is absolutely doing that .His family thanked me for catching him but he planned this so called detox at my house.I really don't believe he was due to the fact he is taking non professional random clonidine and Adderall (adderrall) Xanax and I am a nurse and I told him on top of what you are already doing to your brain now you are taking random pills that you have to take on  a regular basis.He said last night he hates me ,I freaked out and followed him because I knew he was blowing me off for drugs or party,I don't know what the h... I was thinking the night before when we had met out after a while of him avoiding me to find that my hunch was right and he is still using,he says dabbling but I know better he admitted this and that's why he avoids me.He actually thinks that I am gonna allow him to slowly kill himself in my face the wrong thing I did was loose control.All that did was make me cry thank God I have a close good friend who knows what I am going through and went to his house to vent.He has said such awful things to me.I really don't want to care anymore this is not worth it and yet I do care about how he is trying to destroy my reputation as a person with mutual people that we know,he is trying to manipulate the situation to make the whole relationship demise look like he left me cause I'm a lunatic.......it hurts so bad and at the same time pisses me right off.Its sad that he has this demon its a bad one but he is also an adult and he knows right from wrong.....and why does he hate/love me all I have done from the get is try to help him ...how am I suppose to feel ,I told him in our conversation Saturday night that I don't condone this and in my head I was thinking about the reality of him hurting me while at the same time being with him and talking with him felt good ...today I have a heartache and headache......I need to vent and thankyou its nice to have support ...this is a eye opener i have never dealt with this...I'm sure he is out today doing his thing w/o a care in the world about anyone else....the messed up thing is last night he told me that  and i quote" he knew that being with me was a mistake and that he was sorry that he gave me the benefit of the doubt...." REALLY?...
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Avatar_f_tn
But i do absolutely deserve better ....and when i look back ,,his ex girlfriend he said she was toxic and he did this to her but she was also the she was toxic one  ....i went in blindly not really seeing forest through the trees......i didn't understand the extent of wht he was talking about ....but i remember when he asked me out he stated " so would you date a guy like me ..i asked what kind of guy are you".....now i know
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Avatar_f_tn
I mean i have never dealt with someone tht i love where my personal emotions are involved ....as a nurse taking care of others you don't know is from a whole different perspective......his family knows but they enable it i don't know or get it..
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Avatar_f_tn
Haha yup. You hit the nail on the head there!! Us addicts are "manipulative, lying, cheating users" that will do or say anything to get our fix. The shittty as lies I made up to get my pills make me sick to think about it. Addicts also can't care about anyone or anything because their emotions are so suppressed under the drug. He can't be in a relationship until he fixes his own life. It will be a non stop merry-go-round. It's not fair to you. Have you checked out alanon? For living with an addict? You can't change him,you'll just tire yourself trying. He won't quit until he wants too. That's the only way it works.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yeah, they have absolutely no idea the hell they put us through, well, I take that back, they probably do, but drugs are more important than feelings to them.  You are not alone my friend, my ex was notorious for making me out to be the crazy one, oh and the gosh awful things he used to say, I mean really?? Anyways, sorry for the rant! Keep posting, we're here for ya.~Sherry
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Avatar_f_tn
My father used to say, people will treat you as terribly as you let them treat you. Your bf is proving that. Yes he is sick and yes it is sad, but he is looking after himself and only himself so you have to look after you. Much love.
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Avatar_f_tn
They do frogger. Understand the hell we put them through I mean. It usually just doesn't  hit until you start to get clean. I'm 4 months into my recovery,and being a recovered addict you live in regret daily. But no,if a user keeps using they wont really know until they've quit.  By then it's usually to late and all they have are the pieces of their life that's left. They pick them up and start to piece them back to together and have to work for forgiveness. Sometimes they get it,sometimes they don't.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the insight Krissy, you rock!!
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou everyone for your responses and support.....it feels good to talk about it with people who understand ..they really know how to manipulate your emotions...ya know when i had first met him and i was out with a friend he was with me and i said to her ..." i like him but i don't know there just seems to be something about him ,he seems like a chameleon sometimes ,tries to hard , why didn't i listen to gut .....well time to get up and dust off ..again but def need to get involved in some support group
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Avatar_f_tn
that is very true and if i talked to my dad about this he would probably say that....my best friend told me that last night "you let him"..and i did and i wish i had handled it better but i didn't and you know what ......you cant change past only future ..lol...i really wanted to punch him in the face ..but i didn't  but it probably would have felt good because that's how i felt ..punched in the face
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Avatar_f_tn
Jemstar- you want to feel sane again? Get your focus back on YOUR life? Not obsess over an addict 24/7? I have an answer for you: go to an alanon meeting asap. You need it. The entire reason alanon exists is because the loved ones of addicts/alcoholics have found themselves living in complete insanity. I can't stress this enough.
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Avatar_f_tn
yes totally need to do this
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Avatar_f_tn
i dont understand how someone elses addiction ***** you in
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271792_tn?1334983257
My heart breaks for you honey. You are spending all of your time trying to figure this all out with someone who is incapable of love right now. Until he admits he has a problem and asks for help nothing will change. In fact, it is going to get worse and you have been s8cked in to a place that is detrimental for you. You need to make a decision and get on with your life either way. You are young and you will find love again. I don't believe it is going to be with him.
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou for your care in response.i know he is not the one.the thing is they are like bad pennies ,he will turn up again but i am not responding anymore .I have wasted enough of my life.i just cant stand the thought of how he says he hates me ...he hates me for letting his family know and people that will look out for him he thinks its my fault "of course..he has caused alot of stress to my life ..I cant think abouthim being with someone else but i know it will be no different...i just think he is so messed up like so not the person i met
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Avatar_f_tn
I am an addict that is tapering off Dr. Prescribed meds I lost control of  for my daughter and myself. I agree I don't think you should stay with him esp since it's only 2-3 months. It sounds like because of your caring nature you want to help him. You can't save them all dear. We have to find our rock bottom before we can work our way up, and it has to be because we want to change. Telling his family well.....personally I can maybe see his side of it. When I went to my family and husband I didn't find nor get support. I was answered with it wasn't their problem. No it isn't its mine!! But I have no one to watch my daughter so I can attend meeting either. So I find what support I can online, need more, and what little respect my family had for me is gone now that I admitted it to them. I don't know how his family reacted but if it was like mine it made me so alone I wanted to use even more. Just from the realization that I was totally on my own and had no one to turn to. I don't think you can relate with how hard it was to admit it to you much less try to detox at your house. Most addicts use to cope or deal with something. When my hubby is here and I had the shakes and couldn't sit still every time he bit**** and said something negative I wanted to use more. Im only on day 10 well 11 now and its something if you've never been there you can't understand. From using, to hiding it, to hitting bottom and asking those people you hurt the most  to help stay beside you and help.
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Avatar_f_tn
I believe from your story that it is a 100% certain you both should go separate ways, cry your eyes out, realize it was a lesson in life and hold your head high that you did your best. You should worry about your safety and STOP following him. I'm not even going to explain some things I've seen at or around drug houses. But please listen to me, if someone is dealing that hard and think you are a snitch, I promise you there are more weapons than you can run from.  If or when he is ready and committed he will. It doesn't sound like that time is now and only the worst can happen to you. He did detox with illegal meds in your house? If the police would of showed up you would of went down too and lost your nurses license. I'm not sure about your state but in mine it's a felony a pill. It may be hard but nothing good can come to you from this relationship. Please take it from an addict that knows what can happen in similar stories I've heard like yours. I know the others are offering emotional support and I want to because I know heartaches. Instead, I'm offering you a VERY true insite to the real dirty drug world of what can happen when someone anti-drug gets involved with an addict. Thinking about it makes me want to use which I know makes no sense to you. God bless!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes thought about that  don't need to get mixed in all that..and I don't even want to see him..problem  is he works at my favorite hangout and my best friend lives 3 houses down from him....needless to say haven't been to either just trying to get strong in my head,it hurts and I need to hold my head high and say " I did my best with the situation,but when we hung out that last night ,that was the straw " you know the phrase .but thks for the comment and yes he is bad news .He already has a felony for stealing meds from customers while working for a pharmacy..DEA came right to his house...YES! should have realized then
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