wheels turning like crazy in my head

as most of u know i have decided to go to rehab but i have some time b4 i go b/c i still have ppl to tell and affairs to get in order im sitting in my brothers house right now everyone else is sleeping. I know fighting this battle is worth it b/c i dont want to die. Im observing my brothers life hes a wealthy man w/ a beautiful house two beautiful children a beautiful wife im taking all this in saying "man this is what i want someday" i know i have to change to get it but after all the optimisim wears off im left with fear, fear of the withdrawals even tho i will be in a medical facility. I keep thinking of the movie Walk The Line that was basically how i was with pain pills b4 i went to heroin which is what put me over the deep end where iknow i have to surrender i keep thinking of the scenes where Johnny Cash gets clean and how he cold sweats and pricks at the buttons on his matress boy what fun i have to look foward to. Im not like one of u guys that had an injury and had to get off pain meds im just a straight up junkie. So i wonder why should this time be any different than b4? Ive been getting high since i was 13 i have a love affair with narcotics as if i were married to them all i know is getting high. What am i suposed to do remember the person i was before i started to use hell i wasnt even a person b4 i started to use. I am hook line and sinker addicted to drugs mentally and physically i have to take fuckin pain pills just to stay welll and not get dope sick. I have to make shure i cop enough pain pills so i dont get dopesick around my family. I cant wait to get bettter someday but at the sametime i cant wait to get home and for that first line to hit me like POW!! I dunno i guess im just going through what all addicts go thoruugh, having one of those dpressed nights and just think i havent even found a rehab yet i cant wait to feel the depresed nights in there. Ughhhh ill probably feel happier tomorrow i cant wait till this is all behind me i'd give my right arm to be one of you guys with 20 days sober drugs have destroyed me all i know has destroyed me

[10356]

I was in your spot.. My true love was H. I started drugs at 12 also was a Junkie by 16 spent a good amount of time slamming it.. I know how you feel when you say who was I before drugs as I was so freakin young when I started.. I had seen a psychiatrist for a year and asked him the exact question, his reply was I had to go back to when I was very young and find the kid I was before the abuse and the drugs and start to grow from there.. They say we stop growing emotionally when the abuse starts, I thought what the heck I can't do that just how in the he!! does one do that, but I did I reflected on how I use to feel what made me happy or sad and I took off from there and have done a pretty good job of catch up.. Attitude is so very important in recovery you really have to embrace the whole idea.. You just cannot go in with a defeatist attitude and expect it to work if you are not ready,.. As far as being sick that is a small amount of time in the scheme of things.. The work begins when you get out.. Cutting ties even moving is very helpful..Na the forum family whatever it takes.. I wish you well on your journey but your true love has to be left behind and you have to learn to love yourself.. lesa

[lonetexan]

I've been on norcos for 4 years and they now take more from my life than they give in return. I feel depression setting in and I can barely deal with daily life much less any stress. I have gotten to the point that I just don't care about anything. My business is failing, I have harmed my marriage (this is the only thing I care about), my health has gone to hell, I have gained 70 pounds and have 6 teeth rotted out of my head and I just don't care. These damned pills have to go. I have hit absolute rock bottom and I need out of this hole I have dug for myself. I was clean for three weeks as a New Year's Resolution but slid back in when I caught the flu and wanted some relief from the aches and pains. I should have used Tylenol and Advil like 99.9% of the people in this country do when they get the flu but I had some pills left over and was only going to take them for three days until the worst of the flu had passed. Well, three days was all it took to get me hooked again and now I am taking more than before.

So listen to lesa's post when she says get as far from the stuff as you can including changing friends and moving to a new apartment or town if necessary. At least in a new town you will not have any connections to score off of.

Best of luck to you. I know it will be hard as I will be going c/t over the labor day weekend. That gets me a little extra time off of work because I know I need at least5 days to get past the worst of it.

You deserve a clean life and a nice house with a stable marriage and I am proud to see you taking the first steps.

[Mandapanda17]

thats awesome you want to go to rehab, I would love to go to rehab. seriously. I might go detox for a few days at the one near my house. my family is supportive, but not supportive when I'm not able to make money and pay the bills. can't have time off work and definitely cannot go to rehab. I think of rehab as..as blessing..if I could only go. take care and good luck, you can do it!!!