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why do we use drugs ,when we don't need them.
by hippy, Oct 14, 2002 12:00AM
this question is a real tough question, for addicts.
im speaking about all the addicts who abuse drugs
. looking back i started useing to fit in
,peer presure, i found that drugs made me feel better, and took
away all my emotional pain, i knew i was doing something wrong
and drugs became a way of life, along with dishonesty,
and stealing, and dealing the whole life style.
and i started at age 13 and by the time i was 18
I HATED MYSELF AND THE WAY I LIVED AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. and that is why i used, i hated me.
when i did try to get clean ,i would get a couple weeks together
and then this obsession to use would come over me FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES AND IT WOULD SAY TO ME, YOU CAN COME NOW OR YOU CAN COME LATER ON TONIGHT BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY USEING.
AND I ALWAYS USED.
AFTER A NUMBER OF YEARS USEING DRUGS BECAME LESS AND LESS OF AN ESCAPE, it was no longer about getting high but about just getting ok ,so i could make through the day or the job.
the more i used the more i hated my self, it was a vicious
cycle.
the only way out was totol abstinence,andto learn how to grow up, i think most addicts stay at the age of 16 untill they make
a concience effort to change.
just some thoughts, hippy
im speaking about all the addicts who abuse drugs
. looking back i started useing to fit in
,peer presure, i found that drugs made me feel better, and took
away all my emotional pain, i knew i was doing something wrong
and drugs became a way of life, along with dishonesty,
and stealing, and dealing the whole life style.
and i started at age 13 and by the time i was 18
I HATED MYSELF AND THE WAY I LIVED AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. and that is why i used, i hated me.
when i did try to get clean ,i would get a couple weeks together
and then this obsession to use would come over me FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES AND IT WOULD SAY TO ME, YOU CAN COME NOW OR YOU CAN COME LATER ON TONIGHT BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY USEING.
AND I ALWAYS USED.
AFTER A NUMBER OF YEARS USEING DRUGS BECAME LESS AND LESS OF AN ESCAPE, it was no longer about getting high but about just getting ok ,so i could make through the day or the job.
the more i used the more i hated my self, it was a vicious
cycle.
the only way out was totol abstinence,andto learn how to grow up, i think most addicts stay at the age of 16 untill they make
a concience effort to change.
just some thoughts, hippy
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I haven't really heard "my" story at a meeting, yet, but there is something real going on there that's not happening anywhere else.
I really like going there and not having to pretend to be anything I'm not. I'm so grateful for that short amount of time where nobody will judge me for who I really am, and I don't have to take care of anybody else.
Thanks, Hippy, I would never have gone even 1 week ago.
Hippy,
I’ve wondered the same things for a long time. Not just about myself; but society as a whole. I ponder history and our ancestors. I think about our country and a time when life was simple, and yet people still sought out ways to escape reality. The American Indians were smoking peyote and marijuana. . .Then the white settlers began making bathtub gin. . .and before you knew it, pharmacists were selling morphine for a toothache and poppy seeds! It’s like addiction is in our blood. . .like we don’t know how to deal with sobriety. . .or maybe after having a taste of that ohh so dangerous, yet ohh so wonderful, opiate high. . .our brain says “f**k, why in the hell deal with life sober when this bbbbuuuuzzzzzzzzzzz is SO much better!!!”
Of course that’s just my opinion. . .I could be wrong ;-)))))
Jenn
"Hello. . .
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me. . .
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now. . .
I hear you're feeling down. . .
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again. . .
Relax. . .
I need some information first. . .
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding. . .
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon. . .
You are only coming through in waves. . .
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'. . .
When I was a child I had a fever. . .
My hands felt just like two balloons. . .
Now I got that feeling once again. . .
I can't explain, you would not understand. . .
This is not how I am. . .
I have become comfortably numb. . .
Ok. . .
Just a little pinprick. . .
There'll be no more --Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick. . .
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show. . .
Come on it's time to go. . .
There is no pain, you are receding. . .
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon. . .
You are only coming through in waves. . .
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'. . .
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye. . .
I turned to look but it was gone. . .
I cannot put my finger on it now. . .
The child is grown, the dream is gone. . .
I have become comfortably numb. . ."
Hit that nail on the head... That's why I kept driving them into MY head.... I have become "Comfortably Numb..."
For all of those with Needle Experience, the following song may even be "Truer" than "comfortably numb" Copyright, Pink Floyd..
The Needle Lies
From “Operation Mind crime” © 1988 by Queensryche
Lyrics and Music By:
(Geoff Tate/Michael Wilton)
I looked back once
And all I saw was his face
Smiling, the needle crying
Walking out of his room
With mirrors, afraid I heard him scream
You'll never get away
Cold and shaking
I crawled down alleys to try
To scrape away the tracks that marked me
Slammed my face into walls of concrete
I stared, amazed at the words written on the wall:
CHORUS
”Don't ever trust
Don't ever trust the needle, it lies
Don't ever trust
Don't ever trust the needle when it cries, cries your name…”
Wet and raving
The needle keeps calling me back
To bloody my hands forever
I then carved my cure with the blade
That left me in scars--
Now every time I'm weak
Words scream from my arm:
”Don't ever trust
Don't ever trust the needle, it lies
Don't ever trust
Don't ever trust the needle when it cries, cries your name…”
Jess,
Ahhh, what a great tour that was! I saw “Operation LiveCrime” back in 1992. It was the ONLY tour Queensryche played the ENTIRE Mindcrime album from beginning to end! The show was amazing, to say the least! What other music/bands are you into??
Music can be a twisted mother-f**ker sometimes! God knows, I would die without it. I’ve only been posting here 5 or 6 weeks, and I continually see posters saying “man, I could of said that. . .you took those words right from my mouth. . .that’s EXACTLY what./how I feel. . .” It’s amazing how music can be like that also. A million different people can read the exact same lyrics and place a “special” meaning to them as if that particular song was written “just for me!”
I’ve never corresponded with you directly, but I have read all of your posts, you are intense to say the least. You words are sometimes like dark poetry. Since I haven’t been around long, I would love to hear your history and gain some insight into your background. . .that is of course, if you wish to share. . .you can email me if you’d like—synderella29***@****--or correspond here. . .whatever suits you best!
YEAH, finally 4:30, and time to leave this dungeon; or as my employer like to call it. . .My Office!!
Hope to hear from ya soon,
Jennyfer ~:-)
Dirtbag I had the disease of noone knowing about my addiction until I admitted to it. Getting away with taking 100mg of Lorcet a day and running a multi-million dollar company was half the rush of doing the drugs... It finally caught up to me when I realized that my insides were rotting from my usage. Before I quit I added alot of term life insurance.
You guys are on it with the way you have expressed yourselves with your feelings. Wow if only we could drill these lessons into youngsters that "know better".
Goldenbear
I have used “Thomas’ Recipe” plus Wellbrutin SR for depression, klonopin at night to sleep, Flexiril for muscle aches with many many hot tubs and showers, Gaba(natural valium) during the day,and Milk Thistle to clean and regenerate my Liver. I used the step down drugs for a week, now if I’m wired at night a couple of puffs knock me out.
I’m clean, but I still fantisize about the Hydro… I dream about it… I am 40 years old with an awesome Wife and 5 year old boy, 2 golden Retrievers, a Bernese Mountain Dog, a thriving business… a great life. I still daydream about Hydro. I am a true addict. This forum has taught me so much about myself. I owe my sobriety to the people who care enough to thread onward. Try to gain strength from those who post about their addictions. Smile and know you are not alone.
This is my first addiction, and first time I have attempted sobriety. My wife has known from the beginning of my usage that I was hooked. I never tried to hide it from her. I only told my Doctor about my addiction about a month ago. He chuckled and told me anyone taking 300 Lorcet 10/650 a month was not a recreational user. He didn’t want to take me off the meds until I told him my pain was gone. He has helped me tremendously.
You are at the beginning stages of stopping. Just wanting to stop is the first step. Seek as much support as you can get. If you can bring you Doctor into the loop it will help a lot. There are meds that will help WD. Thomas’ Recipe is the Bomb… it will help more than you could ever understand.
Keep Posting
Goldenbear
Ah... the basic needs met.
Goldenbear Day 17+
You are all so wonderful. I've never met any of you, but I swear, each of you are just such wonderful blessings. I only came across this site about 5 days ago, but gosh, I've never felt so close to people, so understood. You are all such an inspiration to me. You all make me feel like it's possible to get off these drugs. And if I mess up, there's somebody out there who understands and has probably done the same thing.
I'm finishing up day two without taking anything and it's so hard. But you sweet, wonderful, beautiful people out there are TRULY helping me. I'm doing my best to quit. It's easy to be weak, but so much harder to be strong. I know I'm starting to ramble...but the most important thing I want you all to know is that you are all such wonderful people. We can do this, we can get out from this bondage! We really, truly can. I believe that with all my heart. Here's some more lyrics for you by Coldplay....
stuck here in the middle of nowhere
with a headache and a heavy heart
well nothing is going quite right here
i'm tired, i can't play my part
come on come on
oh what a state i'm in
come on come on
why won't it just sink in?
that help is just around the corner for us
oh my head just won't stop aching
i'm sat here licking my wounds
i'm shattered but it really doesn't matter
cos my rescue is gonna be here soon
come on come on
oh what a state i'm in
come on come on
why won't it just sink in?
that help is just around the corner for us
that help is just around the corner for us
oh that help is just around the corner for us
I hope you are alright and let us know if possible!!
so I started to go to outside meetings a lot but the insomnia is a mother. I am up in the middle of the night talking to ya'all. Yes, checking out is awesome but the cost in my life has been too much. After awhile, your life/body/mind/spirit begins to suffer.
I envy those of you who "have it all together" and still use. How much are those Lorcet's costing you and your family, anyway? <-rhetorical
pixi
pixi
pixi
pixi
pixi
congrats on 18 days , i think that is 3 months in dog years,
just kidding around.
why would i ask that question.
well i have found through writing inventory on my self.
the he number 1 question is WHY DO WE USE.
once i learn the truth to that question, and accept
it,i have a chance at change, as long as i am not
blameing anyone else for my useing.
which brings me back to
IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM THERE IS NO SOLUTION.
i remember getting a ride home with my father and the plaster
i was 20 , the plaster says to my dad let's get a beer, my dad
say's for what, the plaster says it will make you feel good!
my father says I ALREADY FEEL GOOD,
the plaster look's dumb founded and says it will make you feel
better, my father say to him i already feel better and i would rather drink a bottle of drane-o than a beer.
pixi
hope your day is an easy one,
nice of you to say a few word to
everyone today
keep posting
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
michael
they were causing my headaches.I never knew that it could be the reason I was having so many.My doctor told me to take a few
calcium tablets twice a day and I woke up this morning for the first time in a month without a headache.So I guess in your wisdom you could tell newbies not to take so many over the counter pain killers.I learn something everyday.And as for your comment last night,right on!!! See ya!
bmac
pix
We made it. I am totally amazed. And relieved. And grateful.
I am just very worried about Sean.
Enjoy your freedom!
pix
You are right about me, I do feel stronger than ever.
But I still don't think I could flush.lol
pix
pixi
You don't have to use a real name or any useful info.It is much safer than this site as far as sercurity.Anyone could read what we say here.
I think Sean will be OK.I have emailed him today and I hope he replys back.If he doesn't I have his work email and I will
use it if he doesn't get back to us.Just pray for him and his family.
bmac
pix
If I use email at yahoo can it not be traced to my computer?
Stuff like that doesn't get rid of it.But someone trying to retrieve your info would have to know how to get the info from your hard drive.It can't be done by just sitting down to your computer and pulling it up.It is a process.Keep deleting and cleaning your history off and you will be fine.The only way I
have found to get rid of everything is to completely go over each bite of your hard drive.Think of it as a cd.The only way to erase the info is to record over it.But don't worry reading ones hard drive has to be done by someone that know how to do it.
bmac
bmac
bmac
My third child was born 2 days ago, and that has helped very much. I am 47, with a 24 year old "second" spouse, and her pregnancy was the main driver to quit. I knew I was killing myself from the poison, and I felt so guilty, knowing I was bringing a baby to the world as an addict. I have a 24 year old from my prior marriage, but it was the guilt from the new baby that was driving me crazy.
I am still mentally craving the pills. I own a business down here with my wife, and I have to admit that I still do not have the drive that I had with the drug. However, I know that it will return.
For all who are just reading without posting, wondering if "you can do it" (as I did for 3 weeks before CT), it can be done. I was terrified and it was hell for 3-5 days, but it is very doable. Unfortunately I did not have any Thomas ingredients and it was pure cold turkey, but I managed. My poor wife thought I had a bad stomach virus, and I stayed home for 5 days, with many baths, lots of food, water and soda which for some reason helped...the sugar???
Now I am on phase 2...which will be very hard. I have to live w/o hydro. It amazes me how the demon pill can be sooo controlling. I cannot understand how my mind wants it even if the body does not.
Hasta luego.
Most of the way through day 16 (or 23 out of 29, clean) here on the east coast and doing OK. I hope and pray Sean & Cheez are making it OK and that their absence doesn't bode ill things.
To the new folks I see popping in: hello and welcome. I'm not too big on giving sage advice or comment, but there are many here who are quite good at that. However, I will note 4 points: 1) If I can get clean from hydro you can -- it was absolutely controlling my every minute; 2) The Recipe (especially the L-Tyrosine) helps a lot; 3) DON'T make the mistake of fooling yourself into thinking, after all the (literal) sweat and tears of getting clean, that you'll be OK with "just a little bit" (for fun) after a few weeks or months -- you'll be (quickly) right back to the misery that caused you to find an addiction forum in the first place; and 4) regular exercise helps as much as the recipe (I would add eating and sleeping, but they seem to take care of themselves once the hydro is more than VERY recent history).
Take care,
CATUF
She's gotta a lot to say and I'm just listening. Her deep insecurity is well founded.
She very wisely pointed out my other addictions. She pointed out my incessant use of the internet at work and at home. She pointed out what I knew: I have no business collecting money from my employer while I surf the web. Unfortunately, this board is included in that misuse of my company's time, although I do not regret for one moment the support and ultimate first steps of sobriety that were directly taken from the people I met here (There are so many to whom I'm grateful: Jenn, Bill, Hippy, Catuf, Chezz, Groovy, Pixi, Thomas (hey, what's with this guy anyway?? Is he not, like, the most incredibly gifted writer, independent thinking, facts only with a flare, Hannibalish, cynical poster, of whom I've never quite gleened whether he is an active addict or in recovery or, like so many of us, a sincere admirer of the idea of sobriety) and so many others but you, Jason, my friend, got me to pick up the phone and call for help and have been an inspiration ever since. I'm eternally grateful.
My wife will ebb and flow and I know I can't resist that. I'm trying not to argue, defend, etc. anything that I've done. Her view is a simple one: "Someone who really loved me wouldn't risk throwing away my own and my children's security." Period. She has zero tolerance for the language of addiction or recovery. She doesn't go there.
At any rate, I promised her I would seek additional help through one on one counceling and aa meetings. I promised her I would completely cut my internet usage (unfortunately, this means this board as well...).
And for those men who have been so supportive, you may email me as you have. To those women: I can't thank you enough. You know who you are. Unfortunately, this is the cause of an incredible degree of hurt to my wife (what's the difference between talking to a woman at an aa meeting vs. email? I'm not sure, but I'm in no position to demand my rights or to continue secretive behavior. I know you understand because you've shown yourself as an awesome positive influence in my putting the pills down).
I'll remember you in my ongoing prayers.
Sean (Day 9)
Suzie
P>S> Giving up part of yourself for your spouse is not healthy in my opinion. Just causes resentment. This addiction is about u not her.
Suzie
CATUF (just hours now from day 17)
I don't have any advice that you don't already know about, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else, so here goes...
Ask your girlfriend to not give you any oxy. Give all you have to her or someone else to hold. Having it available to you at this stage in your recovery is just asking for trouble. Next, remember that you can and will eventually feel better, much much better than while using. Once I got a few months away from my bad hydro habit, I was astonished at what 'normal' felt like. Your natural energy really will come back if you take good care of yourself. Trust your body. Reach out, ask for help, go to meetings if they are your thing, see a counselor, talk to us, write till you are blue in the face and love yourself no matter what.
All this helps, but the real key is in psyching yourself into wanting to be clean more than anything. You have to want it more than anything else in the world, and keep choosing it, every day.
I can sympathise with you. It is very very hard. I've been clean over a year, but recently had gone back on meds for a little while due to excruciating pain. I had my husband hold and hide the meds, and wrote to my friends to keep myself honest and posted here about it. Falling back into addiction terrifies me.
Right now I'm a little better, but have needed to take a pill a few other times when the pain hit a 9 or 10 (I can handle a 7, and even an 8 for a little while). I'm scared out of my wits, but am committed to only taking them when it is medically needed. So far, no addictive tendencies have come up, just a huge fear that they could resurface. My recent MRI came up showing way worse degeneration, and I am scheduled to see the surgeon again in a few weeks, he wants to do fusion. Blech. I won't do it.
Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into my story...I meant to give you support and encouragement. Please remember that you can cross over to the other side and be free, and that while it is hard at first, you will feel sooo much better.
love,
WW
By Friday I will have my laptop up and running. I can post from work that way. Everyone at work is constantly in my office using my computer... some real nosey people. Having the new laptop I can lock everyone out.
Pixi, great to hear about how well you are doing. I look forward to reading your threads.I copied your email today and will write you in the next few days... maybe I can send you a few pictures of my Son and Pups.
CinCee, you too... I hope we all can continue to stay in touch long after the site goes away. My wife is not the jealous type, We Love eachother to the moon... She allows me to communicate with whoever I choose. She is also very grateful to everyone for helping me so much. I am blessed that she is part of my life.
Thomas, Sean is right. Your writing is highly motivational. I truly believe that You and Chezz were the original people that helped me realize that I was an addict. Your thread about my sobriety in dog years was great. Many thanks. Has anyone heard from Chezz?
Sean - Stay strong if you need to talk to a friend my e-mail is
***@****
Goldenbear 18 days strong.
pixi
My habit had gotten up to 6,7 MAYBE 8 hydros (5's) a day. How long will my withdrawals last? I know everybody's different, but on average, what do you guys think? How long will I be miserable? I've been taking on and off for about 2 and 1/2 years (with months in between), and my habit has grown to 6 or 7 pills a day. Of course, it all started out LEGIT. And I do have PAIN, but nothing to warrant the abuse. I just need some insight. I'm still miserable. And scared. But your posts ARE helping me sooo much! I don't have any now, haven't in three days, but I've got to have a root canal later this week. What should I do about the pain? I'm really trying hard. Please share a little. I love each of you.
pixi
pixi
pixi
Keep up the great attitude, you should be very proud of yourself.
Your friend
Goldenbear
About the root canal: if you don't have to actually have surgery (where they cut into your gum from the side), you don't need narcotics. Really. I have genetically bad teeth and have spent a lot of time in the chair and I'm telling you that unless it is very complicated, you shouldn't need anything more than tylenol.
But personally I'd never turn down the nitrous for during the procedure. lol.
Brian
Please people...HELP! WEll my x has me by the balls ! (well im female but there is not other equivalent saying) Anyway, he has threatened me , almost raped me, kicked me, grabbed me and i'm afraid to report him to the police cuz he can use my addiction against me and may be get my daughter.
And now he's undermining her relationship with her only living grandparents (of course my parents) who she especially needs now with the divorce and all. And hes buying her stuff (nintendo) and playing with her which he has never done in her life. So..she wants to live with him.
But anyone ever been in similar situation ..about needing to report him but not wanting to compromise my position with her and custody (because im an addict and he knows it)??????
thx,
P.S. I wish i could post this as a new string but.. no more left to do today of course. I may at midnight though.
Thx again,
Suzie
Do you take us for a bunch of ¡§Fucking Idiot Junkies¡¨ here?
You are either someone of above-average intelligence trying to talk down to the forum, OR someone of low intelligence trying to talk above yourself, but I believe the former rather than the latter.
Here are some examples or your language from your first post as ¡§PimpShit¡¨ that I will deconstruct for you; and for the forum for that matter:
Brian: ¡§I never get the " high " or the " buzz " nomore.¡¨
Analysis: You have the ability to use quotes to describe a feeling, but apparently have little grasp of proper English. You chose the word ¡§nomore¡¨ as opposed to the correct term, ¡§anymore.¡¨ Fascinating. I suppose you thought that your low-class terminology would appeal to the ¡§junkies¡¨ in this forum or perhaps it would make you ¡§more credible.¡¨
Brian: ¡§I feel like this isnt real :( i feel like noones gona believe me or help me.. thats my biggest fear.. if i KNOW they will help i will do my best to get the help.. i just want to be helped. I cant do it myself.. i have tried and it only last a damn hour. what can i do ? what should i do? are they gona believe me when i go to ask for help and not give me some " well you just have to stop " bullshit?¡¨
Analysis: Multiple spelling errors, Brian. The seeming inability to capitalize the ¡§i¡¨ when referring to yourself. The use of the ¡§ƒ¼¡¨ after the sentence ¡§I feel like this isn¡¦t real¡¨¡K. Your questions in the above paragraph and throughout your entire post indicate a writing-style of one who places value on FEELING or what others FEEL over THINKING and what others THINK¡K. An interesting point that I will get to very soon!
Brian: ¡§Please somone talk to me.. tell me whats going to happen when i go seek help.. Im sorry if i sound like a ******* junkie.. But i damn feel like one.. i have noone else to talk to this about.. noone in my family knows about this cept my mom. And shes just no help.. She asks to buy my pills from me herself.. she doesnt understand.. Thanks to all who read this. Thanks to all who understand and dont look down on me. I feel like crying now. Thanks again¡¨
Analysis: A VERY FAKE cry for help, indeed. You are someone who detests drug abuse, and those who abuse drugs. Thus you sometimes detest YOURSELF. You are ¡§sorry if you sound like a ******* junkie.¡¨ Interesting. AND to top it all off, nobody in your family knows about your problem but your MOTHER, and that is because she attempts the purchase of your prescriptions?! You (this FICTIONAL PERSON) are preposterous.
Let us look at your last 4 sentences: ¡§Thanks to all who read this. Thanks to all who understand and dont look down on me. I feel like crying now. Thanks again¡¨
You¡¦ve just thanked us 3 separate times, yet you are sorry that you sound like a ¡§Fucking junkie.¡¨
Also, in that vein (of all the thanking and apologizing that runs throughout your post), as I said before, you don¡¦t capitalize your ¡§i¡¨ unless it is at the beginning of a sentence. You ¡§Feel¡¨ like crying, and you use emoticons in your FAKE white-trash language? Oh, and lets not forget your remorseful ¡§I get reall mean to my Girlfriend¡¨ sentence¡K AND the fact that you saw it necessary to reiterate that you are, in fact, male: ¡§I know thats damn high for a 21 year old male.¡¨
My Conclusion: You are a female with low self-esteem who hates the fact that she¡¦s addicted. You hate ¡§junkies.¡¨ You are relatively educated, come from an upper-middle class background, and you are using the forum to practice your writing ability.
Final thoughts: I am pretty sure that I know who you are. Your writhing style matches one of the regular posters on this forum. You know who you are. Why don¡¦t you e-mail me, and confess, so that I don¡¦t have to reveal your identity?
I must say that this analyzing is taxing, and this is probably the LONGEST post I¡¦ve written in a year. However, the reason I spent my time to factually deconstruct PimpShit¡¦s bogus post is to show you, the forum reader, how to identify a hoax when you see one. I spent my share of time in Cognitive Psychology and Lexography to ¡§call them as I see them.¡¨
~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
P.S. Comments anyone? I¡¦d be especially interested to hear from some of the more analytical thinkers on this forum¡XSuch as Thomas, Skipper, MrMichael or anyone who would concur, or, those who find faults in my logic.
Do you take us for a bunch of "******* Idiot Junkies" here?
You are either someone of above-average intelligence trying to talk down to the forum, OR someone of low intelligence trying to talk above yourself, but I believe the former rather than the latter.
Here are some examples or your language from your first post as "PimpShit" that I will deconstruct for you; and for the forum for that matter:
Brian: "I never get the " high " or the " buzz " nomore."
Analysis: You have the ability to use quotes to describe a feeling, but apparently have little grasp of proper English. You chose the word "nomore" as opposed to the correct term, "anymore." Fascinating. I suppose you thought that your low-class terminology would appeal to the "junkies" in this forum or perhaps it would make you "more credible."
Brian: "I feel like this isnt real :( i feel like noones gona believe me or help me.. thats my biggest fear.. if i KNOW they will help i will do my best to get the help.. i just want to be helped. I cant do it myself.. i have tried and it only last a damn hour. what can i do ? what should i do? are they gona believe me when i go to ask for help and not give me some " well you just have to stop " bullshit?"
Analysis: Multiple spelling errors, Brian. The seeming inability to capitalize the "i" when referring to yourself. The use of the ":(" emoticon after the sentence "I feel like this isn’t real." Your questions in the above paragraph and throughout your entire post indicate a writing-style of one who places value on FEELING or what others FEEL over THINKING and what others THINK…. An interesting point that I will get to very soon!
Brian: "Please somone talk to me.. tell me whats going to happen when i go seek help.. Im sorry if i sound like a ******* junkie.. But i damn feel like one.. i have noone else to talk to this about.. noone in my family knows about this cept my mom. And shes just no help.. She asks to buy my pills from me herself.. she doesnt understand.. Thanks to all who read this. Thanks to all who understand and dont look down on me. I feel like crying now. Thanks again"
Analysis: A VERY FAKE cry for help, indeed. You are someone who detests drug abuse, and those who abuse drugs. Thus you sometimes detest YOURSELF. You are "sorry if you sound like a ******* junkie." Interesting. AND to top it all off, nobody in your family knows about your problem but your MOTHER, and that is because she attempts the purchase of your prescriptions?! You (this FICTIONAL PERSON) are preposterous.
Let us look at your last 4 sentences: "Thanks to all who read this. Thanks to all who understand and dont look down on me. I feel like crying now. Thanks again"
You’ve just thanked us 3 separate times, yet you are sorry that you sound like a "******* junkie."
Also, in that vein (of all the thanking and apologizing that runs throughout your post), as I said before, you don’t capitalize your "i" unless it is at the beginning of a sentence. You "Feel" like crying, and you use emoticons in your FAKE white-trash language? Oh, and lets not forget your remorseful "I get reall mean to my Girlfriend" sentence… AND the fact that you saw it necessary to reiterate that you are, in fact, male: "I know thats damn high for a 21 year old male."
My Conclusion: You are a female with low self-esteem who hates the fact that she’s addicted. You hate "junkies." You are relatively educated, come from an upper-middle class background, and you are using the forum to practice your writing ability.
Final thoughts: I am pretty sure that I know who you are. Your writhing style matches one of the regular posters on this forum. You know who you are. Why don’t you e-mail me, and confess, so that I don’t have to reveal your identity?
I must say that this analyzing is taxing, and this is probably the LONGEST post I’ve written in a year. However, the reason I spent my time to factually deconstruct PimpShit’s bogus post is to show you, the forum reader, how to identify a hoax when you see one. I spent my share of time in Cognitive Psychology and Lexography to "call them as I see them."
~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
P.S. Comments anyone? I’d be especially interested to hear from some of the more analytical thinkers on this forum—Such as Thomas, Skipper, MrMichael or anyone who would concur, or, those who find faults in my logic.
But, in my analysis, I said you were a FEMALE with low self esteem who was practicing her writing....
If I were a 21 year old guy, with high blood pressure, who had a tendency to get mad at his girlfriend.... Well, the first thing I would have bitched at was the fact that someone had called me a GIRL! You didn't even mention that fact in your response to me. Further evidence that I AM correct in my assessment of you.
Stop your charade. That means, "fakery, false pretence, sham, or deception." Just in case you were wondering.
Jess
O.K.-- I will take you up on the offer to see you on your webcam. To assure your privacy, and unwanted attention, Here's my personal e-mail: ***@****
Please forward your webcam Address via my e-mail, and I'll be the judge of your "gotee"--
If you are who you say you are, I'll post my most sincere apologies to you on the forum, and I will promise NOT to analyze any new posters in the future.
~~I'm awaiting your reply.~~
~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
First to (Everyone)-I have seen this sort of nonsense before on the ole A.A. coffee talk chat.
(Pimp)- I don't necessarily think you are fake, but I do think you are playing a reactionary game of mind-f@#$. First, using such a dirty sounding handle would of course make you feel and act like a LOW CLASS JUNKIE, and others would be of the same impression. I am not referring to financial or educational status here. I am referring to impressions brought on by the text content.
You cussed throughout your posts, which by the way; had you really read the forum you would have noticed it is not permitted in the rules. The cussing makes you sound drugged out or stupid for lack of ability to find better filler words.
Had you read the forum you would have read all the support and help the people here have already gotten and are still receiving, and therefore no need to be afraid of no one helping. You could try N/A or A/A for starters for help if you don't trust us addicts here. Be prepared to admit you are an addict.
If you drink alcohol with your stash as it seems like a drunken sort of post, that would explain the high blood pressure. Alcohol consumption and especially withdrawal significantly raises blood pressure. You could simply walk into a doctors office during those times of high blood pressure and say you are feeling sick because of it and he/she may prescribe something to lower it which may help you to detox using the (Thomas recipe), if that is what you really want. I agree with Jessearpy that attention seems more like the thing you are striving for here and not sobriety. You will not get much here for long unless you clean up your act and get a grip. Most will simply scroll right on past you.
(Jessearpy)- Thank you for giving your opinion on this matter, we do not need this forum turning into a trash board because of some youngster playing micky-mouse mind-jive.
Chatahan
Sue-z,
I meant to post to you first. You have a more legit problem that needs to be addressed, and I got side tracked with that other non-sense.
I think you need to call one of those shelters for help against family violence. The police usually will not make an arrest unless they catch him in the act, or you have bruises or broken bones to prove it, or witnesses are even better.
Those shelters are great with giving counseling on how to get rid of him legally while protecting yourself and child. You must be in a co-dependant relationship. I was stuck in one of those for a few years but that is now passed (Thank the Good Lord) above. They may even have you go to co-dependants anonymous meetings, similar to N/A AND A/A.
Do not allow his threats of prescription drug use scare you into staying in a bad relationship for you and your child. First of all, as someone else mentioned above it is all prescribed. It is hard for a man to take away the children unless he can prove blatant illegal drug use or neglect etc.
I'll pray the Lord guides you in the right diection. Good luck.
Chatahan
Jessearpy,
I forgot to mention earlier; you may not have seen it because the thread is down a bit from the 5th and I wrote on the 10th, but I responded to your question on the thread started by Alchemist. I hope you got a chance to see it so you didn't misunderstand my meaning behind that earlier comment I had made which you referred to.
Now you have my curiosity up as to if the Pimp is someone from this board. There would only be one person I would guess, but I don't want to say it here and start a flame war, which is what this person may be trying to do.
Take care,
Chatahan
I did see your posts in regard to the AA holy rollers further on down the post; and I heartily agree with you in regards to EVERYTHING you mention about certain AA groups... Thanks for the reply!
In other subjects, I'm curious about the handle you've chosen...
"Chatahan" -- Are you referring to Chatahan county in North Carolina, or is it a part of a Native-American word or phrase, or tribe, Etc?
AND you're on the right track in your line of thinking!
Well, I should be getting ready for WORK now, so to quote Mr. Porky Pig, "be de ah, be de ah, bed eah, that’s all folks!"
~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
There is nothing I hate more than keeping her up when I can't sleep. It is bad enough when one can't sleep. But to keep the other person up is just stupid. ;0
Well, I guess I will be able to catch up on all the posts I missed.
Chezz
CATUF
I just made my wife some eggs for breakfast for when she gets up. I feel so bad for keeping her tossing and turning with me. I have been up all night, couldn't sleep. I hate that.
Hope you are having a good morning.
Chezz
I did read some of your posts and just wanted you to know that you should be almost free of it. Day 4 is a toughy. Today should be good, still a little tough. Tomorrow you should feel ALOT better. Day 5 is really the end and the beginning. So all you have to do is keep positive and look to the bright side of it. YOU are MAKING it.
You are right too. That is another day. You can't worry too much about the future yet. You days are already BETTER NOW since you are free from using.
I am glad to see somebody else has made it. ;)
I hope today is easy for you and you are feeling better this morning.
Chezz
P.S. I don't know if the kid was to blame yet. I just read his post and then the derogatory post by Dirtbag to him. I hate to see when a new person 1st posts, and then the 1st response he gets is to give up and continue to USE. Not a very good response after someone spills their heart out and is BEGGING for help and guidance and that is all they get. Pretty dissapointing to say the least.
Next time I will read a little more before I post. :)
That and maybe get some sleep. lol
Chezz
like holding aces
next dont' give advice unless asked
hope you have weathered the storm
of nothingness
of , like how the receipe is a life saver, and how the people
on this fourm are so supportive
and may a add they make mistakes , we have to allow for that in
other people, we as addicts have unrealistic expectations
on others.
so allow for a few screw ups now and agian.
it is raining hear in philly im working the 2nd shift
tis week, so i will out from 2 to 10.
stay positive
peace!!!!!!!
I had a question or 2.
Chezz
I have to comment on the letter from pimp**** , wow..jess, no offense, but are you absolutely sure of your accusations, if someone comes here and post for the first time, in the off chance he is who he says he is, weren't you kind of harsh? I probably have no right to throw in my two cents, but ..ouch
pimp**** - I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you..you are in some real trouble, you need to seek professional help, just call NA or AA, and talk, start talking..
sheila
Nice to see you here on my 1st morning back. I posted yesterday what has been going on. I will send you something later when I get a chance. I am trying to catch up on what has been happening.
I hope everything is going well with you!!! ;)
Chezz
I keep posting in the meantime so I haven't got much reading done since everyone else woke up! ;)
Everybody stay cool,
festertool
I understand you are doing a bit better, pain wise anyway. That is really good to hear. Just because i haven't posted doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of everyone. Have you heard form Sean at all? let me know what's up with you today.
sheila
it say's a lot
Chezz
anyway how are you doing, where are you at as far as
the pills , do you know about the receipe
there are some really good ones
there, i have been to quite a few in ohio.
there you will find people just like us.
addicts at the end of thr road
sheila
Are they going to fix the L4/5 level? If so ask your neuro doc to look at the S1 level while he is there.I let my wife look at your test results you posted and she said to tell you she sees a lot of people come back because the surgeon didn't look hard enough at the S1 level.Your neuro doc will explain this to you I am sure.
I hope in the future you don't take anything I say the wrong way.
I only try to help you not get you pissed at me.I am sure you are not,knowing you a little I am sure you would tell me if you were.Get better and relax a little and let the nerve relax a bit,it will help.
bmac
I would never take anything you said and get pissed.
I just wanted to make sure you knew I was STRESSING. I know that is the worst, and doesn't do any good.
I reread my post and thought the same thing. I sounded like I was freaking out.
I just really needed someone here to talk to. I feel like a poor little boy who didn't get picked for the team!!!!
It just gets lonely sometimes when you move so much. Plus after being out of the country for so long and not knowing anybody back in the states. Kind of expensive to call Japan!!!
Sarcasm - I just wish I had some frrrriiiieeennnnnnddddsssss. ;)
Chezz
Thanks for the extra info on the tests too. I haven't met the neuro yet. But I am going to do some checking up on him and then make sure this is taken care of properly. And that he knows my whole medical history and what tests, ect that I have gotten done in the past and that I REALLY want to get this done right the FIRST time.
Thanks again.
the internet so I spend too much time typing but until I bought this PC I couldn't even type my name much less a
conversation.Now I can type(two fingered)100,000 words a minute.
Anytime!!!
Friend!
Bill
My fingers just take a little while to cool off when I am typing so they just keep on going! ;)
(Honest-I did plan on making this short-I bet you are sorry you asked-OR that I answered!!)
I took the nuerontin after I was having pain for awhile, during my last episode about 3years ago. It was supposed to help with the nerve pain. It also helped me sleep if I am not mistaken. I only took it at night. It also did help cut down on the amount of meds I was taking.
I wish I remembered more about it. But at the time I felt like a guinea pig. I really didn't like taking the percocet for so long and got tired of it.(If you know me-I have integrity and don't have a reason to lie to you all) After about 4 months of pain and the meds I really wanted to just get better. I also was at the apex of deciding to resign from my job or trying to wait it out and hope that I would get better. I was making alot of money and TAX FREE in Japan. So I wanted to try everything I could to just get better. This was my dream job, and I was 23.
You know the rest of the story. I resigned and finally got better after about 9 months. 3 months living in Hawaii and doing physical therapy everyday. Plus a plethra of tests.
So I tried, honest to god, about 30 different medicines. Everything you could imagine. From anti-depressants to blood pressure meds. Everything.
So my memory is not very good about all the meds.
But one thing is for sure. I CAN'T write a SHORT post. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Chezz
Kind of surprising since I seem to like to TYPE so much!
I will email though. Things are going to be tough around and after surgery time and I could use the Friends to lean on.
Thanks.
You have got me beat! 100,000 a minute. Your puter' must be SMOKING.
Which is what I am going to do! I wish I would have quit when I quit the meds last time. Right now is not such a good time! lol
Thanks again,
Chezz
BTW - Dreaming, did you quit smoking for good>?
enough said
Of course my brain says no way.Matter of fact I need to go smoke one now,bye!
bmac
Dreamin,
I used Neurontin four years ago for anti-convulsant and OCD problems. It also is good for deep Neurological pain in some people. You can not just crash off of it though, you must taper so as to avoid seizures.
I took an old bottle of it while I was in the midst of the DT'S last February, and I believe it really helped and may be the only thing that saved me from seizures to the max. I went off it again once they put me back on Klonopin, because Klonopin is more effective for temporal lobe partial complex seizures.
Neurontin also known as Gabapenton, spelling? will make you drousy and helps promote sleep. I hope this helps.
Chatahan
pixi
I experienced the blood pressure thing myself....it's primarliy two things....w/d's and your head....take a few deep breaths...go for a walk...hell at your age...bike ride..frisbee anything man....get your body moving and your mind out of your butt. Me I'm 49 now...smoking since 15 and it's difficult to get around on one arm one leg BUT I get up now at 5:00 am and get to the gym....I went on meds for the blood pressure but will wean off them because my exercising will lower it. I drink a gallon of water each day. Believe me when I say that earlier this summer when I first found this forum, I felt like I was alone in my thoughts...then talking here to others opened my head a bit. Deep inside I knew the answers and you do too, but it was good to see it in front of my face.............Besides coming here...DO SOMETHING ! There are, I believe, those that just sit in front of their computers and cruise these places for attention...don't get hooked on that part of recovery...you have a life to live...live it.
Pimp,
I don't think I was that rough on you and I never read anything on the thread about suicide, so I have no idea where you csme up with that one.
I did suggest you see a doc for your hgih blood pressure. The mention of booze was just a thought because many addicts also use alcohol and I know that can raise blood pressure. I also suggested you attend N/A or A/A meetings for help and that the people on this forum have been very supportive.
I was a little harsher in tone than usual. Probably because of the swearing and accusations that no one here or anywhere else would ever listen or help. I was in pain and tired, therefore a little on the crabby side.
We all want to help, but as many have said, you also have to want to help youself. Keep posting and I hope you find some answers that are helpful to you.
Oh, by the way, I know we should not judge a book by it's cover but your handle sounds terrible, like you really think lowly of yourself. You may want to find a more uplifting and positive handle. It will show you want to feel better about yourself and how others perceive you. Just a suggestion. Take care,
Chatahan
Jessearpy,
The name Chatahan was the last typhoon to make a direct eye passage over Guam, just this past July. I used to be known as wildcat, my tribal name used, but the re-registering would not allow it, saying it is already in use.
I am really into nature and cats so wildcat is fitting. The typhoon and it's backup five days later named, Ha'long really trashed my place and caused alot of work and major stress. I kind of took to the name Chatahan though so I decided to use it.
It is a part of nature too, and goes with one of my favorite phrases, what goes around, comes around. My tempor used to be worthy of being called a typhoon but since stopping the booze, going through many recovery steps and taking the Klonopin and Ultram for the pain has chilled me out quite a bit. Pain has a way of making even the kindest person, angry and nasty. That's why it is so important for us to keep the pain down to a minimum if possible so we can function in a positive way. I'm babbling now, it's 2:30 am so I better get back to bed. I awoke in pain, took my middle of the night dosage and then decided to check the forum real fast. Real fast turned into over an hour but now I am feeling better and tired enough to sleep okay.
I hope you are doing well and feeling good today. Take care.
Chatahan
P.S.-If you want to email me anytime, the address is
***@****
Pixi,
Loved your post. How is it you always manage to make me smile? I am glad we're both crazy. lol. The shadow people are gone now so we dont have to worry. I was a little confused this morning from all the commotion but the nap helped. Stay cool.
festertool
I kept on trying and trying to get the yahoo IM to see your cam, and it still doesn't work... I know that I'm using the right handle. You did give it to me in 2 separate e-mails.
Tell me the TRUTH, now.... You weren't just "pulling my chain" about letting me SEE YOU on your cam to prove my whacko theories wrong were you?!
I'm sitting here, READY TO APOLOGIZE to YOU and the WHOLE FORUM.
Just give me the proof that I asked for;
VERY SIMPLE.
~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
P.S. Brian has a pretty decent little website. It is his handle + .org
I find it somewhat revealing that it is, indeed, a portal to all sorts of fun "Hackware" as we in the IT Systems Security Feild put it.
pixi
All I remember from my last bus. trip there was the viking club!
That and a few others. The viking was right across from our hotel, so it was easy access!!!
Kind of refreshing since I was flying in from Tokyo. All the clubs there cost about 70-100US to get in plus the extra's inside like drinks and dances. They don't have a bill smaller than 10US so tips added up. We had many night there that cost 1500-2000US.
So to drop 500-1000US a night in the viking ensured they took care of us, and still cost less than Tokyo. No funny bus. just fun.
Chezz
Kind of hard to have too much fun when your boss is with you. The vice president of the company is there, and you have some top principals from the companies you represent sitting by you!!!
It's more like babysitting than anything. Half our job was to take care of them while they were in town. That isn't to say some of them "needed" a little more assistance than others! lol
Actually, we had one principal that would leave his trip itinerary with his excursion to the Phillipines(sp) on it! LOL We always got a kick out of that.
Chezz
I am going to get my doctor to buy it so she can keep it for all her patients. Especially if it is a series with all different types of surgeries.
I've been told I could sell someone their own stuff back to them for 2x what they paid, so I will give it a shot! LOL
Chezz
Yes there's (or was) 12 additional operations in the OPERATION SERIES. However, only one dealt with the back.
I have to be honest, after i viewed the surgery, my very first reaction was, I'm glad I had the surgery first...
I really don't want to watch it and I don't even have the tape yet.
I think it will be informative though. Sometimes things are best left unsaid/unseen though. ;)
I am just curious to see it. I have to get the surgery either way though.
The sooner I get it, the sooner I can get back to normal. I really wish I could do it and just get it over with. The same with the meds. I hate taking stuff everyday. I don't like not feeling like myself.
Chezz
I bought it to understand the "real" structures for aftercare, postop. Was just surprised how deep the discs really lie... you know when you reach around with your hand a feel your spinous process, it feels like your spine is right there.... well now i know why they can perform the surgery from front or back.
Please don't be unsettled, it will go great.... i just wanted to pass on my reaction.
I am aware of the disc location. They are about 4 inches in from what you feel on the outside.
I do not want this surgery. I would/have done everything to put it off. I wish I could just make it go away.
But one thing I have realized. When you are in real pain. When you need medical help. You aren't worried about meds, you aren't worried about alot of things. You just want to get better.
That is where I am at now. I just want to get better.
I will be honest. I have taken the LEAST amount of meds possible. I have taken them EXACTLY as prescribed. And I want to be off of them as soon as possible.
Because the sooner I am, the sooner I can move on with the rest of my life. I don't plan on being here forever. I don't plan on dealing with this stuff in my life forever.
It is a necessary evil right now.
I just want to be healthy. I have learned so much from the people here and the struggles that some have dealt with all of their life.
I don't want to be that person. I have seen their pain. Their torment. Their hell.
I feel for them. I hope they can get better and live a better life.
They have taught me.
Chezz
Now i (geeez when i don't capitalize the i, i think about the Jessarpy analysis of PS) know everybody is different, but the 8 week recovery time, i'd be shocked if you weren't fully operational in less than half that time.
Anyways, good luck my friend.....i'm off to tend to my lit'l ones for the next few days(off work), while wifey gets a much overdue weekend with the girls in Seattle...look out Nordstroms
My doc did up my dose of meds. I don't want to. But I did take it yesterday. I felt better. I just like taking them. I really don't want to have to deal with all that comes with it.
I have dealt with this pain without meds before. So the relief is good. I just don't plan on taking the meds and being "pain free". So I am still dealing with alot of pain. But I feel better dealing with it, than just trying to cover it up.
Thanks for the support. It is hard sometimes. I just really wish it would go away. It is so hard to explain how it makes me feel.
Chezz
I just want to be healthy again. To do all of the things that I haven't been able to because of this. The medicine isn't going to do that.
i decided that it wasn't peer pressure that started me usin drugs. it's because
it was damn good and still is. and thats my responsbility
if this is wroong, i don' t want to be right. I JUST COULDN'T FIGHT THE CALL ANY LONGER.
all roads lead to dead.
everything else is fake. there a lot of fake people on this forum.
i know there's other people doing drugs and lying about it,
typing away.
i got a warm happy feeling in my bones, waves of goodness
and I"M HAPPY, i know i'll just keep going to meetings and deny this again and again.
damn my tolerance dropped i have such a perfect buzz
in some of my posts. i was hiding from myself,
i just needed to feel like i knew what was going on
and had a handle on everything. i've been up all night
and i just wanted to say i'm sorry and i need to be more sensitive. i shouldn't jump on people, cause no one wants
to feel like they have to walk around on eggshells or be
carful about the kind of things they say here
YOU DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO ASK QUESTIONS AND NOT BE RIDICULED
and so does everyone else
Had a steady supply of hydrocodone but the doc cut me off last week. Said he could get in trouble with the DEA if he kept refilling the hydro. I became very depressed and lost intrest in doing anything. I still have pain but not enough to justify taking a stong narc. I practicly begged him to not cut me off. He prescribed me some Ultram, told me these were safe for long term use.
I have to admit I do like the way the hydro makes me feel. With them I could do things like I used to before the back pain.
If I am honest with myself I would have to say I like them too much and probably should be thankful that the doc did cut me off. But I'm not. I want more , I want to feel good again and the Ultram does not give me that gooooood feeling!!!
I just stumbled across this forum. I don't know whatI expect from talking to all of you. Perhaps I just need people to relate to. I don't want to admitt I am addict. Is there such a thing as being dependent on a drug and not being addicted to it? I feel like I have lost a loved one. I am that depressed.
Craze
I know what you are feeling right now and its tough. Narcotic pain relievers make some of us feel like we can tackle the world. We can accomplish things that are hard when we are drug free. We have the energy that we don't normally have when we are taking the pills. When I was still taking the pills I would clean things in my house that were already clean. I'm on day 25 or 26 clean now. I don't have THAT energy anymore and boy do I want it. As far as someone being dependent and not addicted. I'm not sure about that. Alot of our addiction is mental as well as physical. If you find yourself thinking about the pills or searching your house for pills you might have forgotten about, I would admit to myself that yes, I am addicted, especially if you find yourself taking the pills when you aren't really in enough pain to warrant taking them or taking more than was prescribed.
Its hard, this is my third time coming clean in over a year due to surgery for protrusion of the lumbar and disk degeneration. I would pop the pills even if I wasn't in enough pain to need them. I would watch the clock when it was almost four hours since my last dose. But, I made a conscious decision to give them up and everyday I am tempted to call in my refill. If it wasn't for this forum and me being reminded of how bad the withdrawal symptoms have been, I might be taking the pills right now.
Just know that everyone here knows what you are going through. Everyone here is non judgemental and so kind in sharing their stories and advice on this terrible addiction. We didn't become addicts by choice. We have been and still are in pain.
I didn't try this, but there is a recipe that will help you with the withdrawals if they are really bad. Thomas has posted it here in the last few days and people that have taken the recipe say it helps them.
I know my post hasn't helped much, but we all know how you feel. Its really hard to quit when you don't WANT to. When one doctor says no, we usually find a doctor that says yes. Its a vicious cycle and the longer we indulge in our addiction, the harder it is down the road to recover.
Hugs to you
Star