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why do we use drugs ,when we don't need them.
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why do we use drugs ,when we don't need them.

this question is a real tough question, for addicts.
im speaking about all the addicts who abuse drugs
. looking back i started useing to fit in
,peer presure, i found that drugs made me feel better, and took
away all my emotional pain, i knew i was doing something wrong
and drugs became a way of life, along with dishonesty,
and stealing, and dealing the whole life style.
and i started at age 13 and by the time i was 18
I HATED MYSELF AND THE WAY I LIVED AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. and that is why i used, i hated me.
when i did try to get clean ,i would get a couple weeks together
and then this obsession to use would come over me FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES AND IT WOULD SAY TO ME, YOU CAN COME NOW OR YOU CAN COME LATER ON TONIGHT BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY USEING.
AND I ALWAYS USED.
AFTER A NUMBER OF YEARS USEING DRUGS BECAME LESS AND LESS OF AN ESCAPE, it was no longer about getting high but about just getting ok ,so i could make  through the day or the job.
the more i used the more i hated my self, it was a vicious
cycle.
the only way out  was totol abstinence,andto learn  how to grow up, i think most addicts stay at the age of 16 untill they make
a concience effort to change.

just some thoughts, hippy
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Hey, thanks for pushing me into meetings.
I haven't really heard "my" story at a meeting, yet, but there is something real going on there that's not happening anywhere else.
I really like going there and not having to pretend to be anything I'm not.  I'm so grateful for that short amount of time where nobody will judge me for who I really am, and I don't have to take care of anybody else.
Thanks, Hippy, I would never have gone even 1 week ago.
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I'm not lost in a time warp because of drugs, I gave them up for about 10 years or so, had my kids built a business and switched to prescriptions after about age 35 then went back on crank for about 2 years when I turned 40 and now I have been off of that for about 3 years and back on precriptions.  I never miss a beat when it comes to responsibility and I definitely use just to feel okay.  I think that one of the big reasons that I keep using is because I can and nobody knows.  May be in my head I'm immature but in life I'm getting it all done everyday on the outside and dying on the inside.  Freak Freak Freak
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Hippy,


I
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Yeah....

Hit that nail on the head... That's why I kept driving them into MY head.... I have become "Comfortably Numb..."

For all of those with Needle Experience, the following song may even be "Truer" than "comfortably numb" Copyright, Pink Floyd..



The Needle Lies
From
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I used to love needles, I always felt my best and the most numb on heroin, it was so warm and I was so comfortable with myself then but it was to much trouble to live that life style, it wasn't for me, the streets and all.  I think that vicodin feels kinda like heroin, I'd kinda forgotten about it, I remember the smell after cooking it and getting sick and then feeling great for awhile and then wanting more.  There were alot of songs about needles back in the day and now there are alot of songs about pills, everybody is on pills now, is vicodin new I only remember codine when I was a kid?
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Jess,


Ahhh, what a great tour that was!  I saw
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Hippy why do you ask questions like this thread? My god I had to bring my wife in to read this entire thread...
Dirtbag I had the disease of noone knowing about my addiction until I admitted to it. Getting away with taking 100mg of Lorcet a day and running a multi-million dollar company was half the rush of doing the drugs... It finally caught up to me when I realized that my insides were rotting from my usage. Before I quit I added alot of term life insurance.
You guys are on it with the way you have expressed yourselves with your feelings. Wow if only we could drill these lessons into youngsters that "know better".
Goldenbear
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When did you quit? How did you quit?  Did you fess up? How many times did you try and fail? Did you taper? I have a company too and its hard to work without vicodin now I hate it.  i want a fresh start, I have 3 kids and a house and a husband just like everybody else.  i really get motivated to quit when I'm running low or out, if its in front of me I never say no.  I don't know what to do I know a fresh start sounds good but I also know that I'll still be with me. Around and around I go
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I quit 17 days ago after lurking around this forum for a couple of months. I was going to taper from an average Lorcet use of 100mg-130mg daily. When I tapered to about 60mg daily in two weeks I jumped and quit cold turkey. If I didn
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Hey guys hope all is well with you. I was just thinking about you when hitting the freezer.... Haagan Daaz or chocolate pudding with whipped cream. My Son just wants the whipped cream.
Ah... the basic needs met.
Goldenbear Day 17+
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I just read everybody's posts...and I just wanted to say:
You are all so wonderful.  I've never met any of you, but I swear, each of you are just such wonderful blessings.  I only came across this site about 5 days ago, but gosh, I've never felt so close to people, so understood.  You are all such an inspiration to me.  You all make me feel like it's possible to get off these drugs.  And if I mess up, there's somebody out there who understands and has probably done the same thing.
I'm finishing up day two without taking anything and it's so hard.  But you sweet, wonderful, beautiful people out there are TRULY helping me.  I'm doing my best to quit.  It's easy to be weak, but so much harder to be strong.  I know I'm starting to ramble...but the most important thing I want you all to know is that you are all such wonderful people.  We can do this, we can get out from this bondage!  We really, truly can.  I believe that with all my heart.  Here's some more lyrics for you by Coldplay....
stuck here in the middle of nowhere
with a headache and a heavy heart
well nothing is going quite right here
i'm tired, i can't play my part
come on come on
oh what a state i'm in
come on come on
why won't it just sink in?
that help is just around the corner for us
oh my head just won't stop aching
i'm sat here licking my wounds
i'm shattered but it really doesn't matter
cos my rescue is gonna be here soon
come on come on
oh what a state i'm in
come on come on
why won't it just sink in?
that help is just around the corner for us
that help is just around the corner for us
oh that help is just around the corner for us
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I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU AND PRAYING FOR YOU
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Where did Chezz go?Has anyone heard from him?
I hope you are alright and let us know if possible!!
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I don't.  I don't need them, they need me.  What I need is a solution to my life problem which is how to JUST BE FREAKING OK WITH ME.
so I started to go to outside meetings a  lot but the insomnia is a mother.  I am up in the middle of the night talking to ya'all.  Yes, checking out is awesome but the cost in my life has been too much.  After awhile, your life/body/mind/spirit begins to suffer.  
I envy those of you who "have it all together" and still use.  How much are those Lorcet's costing you and your family, anyway? <-rhetorical
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Good morning all.I just got back from a cabin in the mountains and it did me a world of good.Didn't even think about hydro.I hope you all have had a good weekend.I'll have to spend today reading posts and catching up on how everyones doing.This place is my new addiction.Have a good day.

pixi
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Good morning gb.I couldn't wait to find out how your first day back to work went.I hope it was a smoothe transition for you.You and all the little ones were having icecream so thats a good sign lol I had a lot of fun in the smokies this weekend but I missed everyone here.Let me know how things are going when you get a chance.Hope day 18 is a good one.

pixi
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Im baaaaaaack....Well your almost homefree.Is sis still leaving tomorrow?I know you'll miss her but you still have us.lol I hope your weekend was as fun as mine.I did a lot of walking.It was so peaceful.Im back to reality now.lol

pixi
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I am so sorry for what your going through right now.I dont even know what words I can say to help you through this but here goes...Give her time sean.Shes just hurt right now that you were able to talk to others and not confide in her.I know that you think she wont come around but you need to keep the faith.When she calms down a little (and she will) you need to let her see your posts.I told you in an earlier post that I could almost feel the love for your family coming through.They were your first and only concern while you were going through the process of getting clean.DO NOT get discouraged and go back to using.You will not lose your children.You have every legal right to see them so dont panic .When women are angry,they tend to say the thing that hurts the most...(You'll never see your kids again) It's not right but it is a way to hurt back. I did pray for you and your family and I will keep praying.This too shall pass.

pixi
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Good morning to you .I just want to thank you for being the kind thoughtful person that you are.You are so wise beyond your years and have so much to offer those of us that are just starting down the path of sobriety.Thank you.

pixi
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hey gbear
congrats on 18 days , i think that is 3 months in dog years,
just kidding  around.
why would i ask that question.
well i have found through writing inventory on my self.
the he number 1 question  is  WHY DO WE USE.
once i learn the truth to that question, and accept
it,i have a chance at change, as long as i am not
blameing anyone else for my useing.
which brings me back to
IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM THERE IS NO SOLUTION.

i remember  getting a ride home with my father and the plaster
i was 20 , the plaster says to my dad let's get a beer, my dad
say's for what, the plaster says it will make you feel good!
my father says I ALREADY FEEL GOOD,
the plaster look's dumb founded and says it will make you feel
better, my father say to him i already feel better and i would rather drink a bottle of drane-o than a beer.
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Good morning bell.Im so glad that your getting strengteh and courage from everyone here.I can tell from your posts that your getting stronger.I think I fell asleep on you the other night at our slumber party.lol I think thats a sure sign that im becoming my mother uuuugh!Hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be even better.

pixi
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good morin to ya pix'
hope your day is an easy one,
nice of you to say a few word to
everyone  today
keep posting
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
michael
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How are you doing today?I hope that was the answer you were lokking for last night.I wish more people would become spreadheads.Also I learned yesterday that because I have been taking many asprin and advil and the such for headaches
they were causing my headaches.I never knew that it could be the reason I was having so many.My doctor told me to take a few
calcium tablets twice a day and I woke up this morning for the first time in a month without a headache.So I guess in your wisdom you could tell newbies not to take so many over the counter pain killers.I learn something everyday.And as for your comment last night,right on!!!    See ya!                    
                          bmac
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4 a ?
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Good morning.  I feel free today!
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Hey Cin,did she already leave?I just now realized that this was Tuesday lol I thought it was monday till I saw that you were free.lol

pix
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Yeah!  It's Tuesday, baby.
We made it.  I am totally amazed.  And relieved.  And grateful.

I am just very worried about Sean.
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If you made it through this past week,you can make it through ANYTHING!lol Yeah,im very worried about sean.I have felt so sad for what has happened to him.I hope his wife comes to her senses and realizes that hes trying his best to be a good husband and father.Im praying for them both.
Enjoy your freedom!

pix
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This is the hard thing about these forums: when somebody has a real problem and then they dissappear - there's no way to know if they are OK.  It seems like if he was at work he would have posted.
You are right about me, I do feel stronger than ever.
But I still don't think I could flush.lol
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Well at least if were worrying abot others,were not thinking about our selves and hydro.lol yes,you could of flushed if you had someone to share that experience with.Thank god for goldenbear.I am soooooooooooooooo weak!lol

pix
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Hi all.my email address is ***@**** in case anyone wants to write to this loon.lol

pixi
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I generally don't do email because I'm not sure how secure it is.
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Go to hotmail.com or Yahoo.com and make up an email address.
You don't have to use a real name or any useful info.It is much safer than this site as far as sercurity.Anyone could read what we say here.
I think Sean will be OK.I have emailed him today and I hope he replys back.If he doesn't I have his work email and I will
use it if he doesn't get back to us.Just pray for him and his family.
                           bmac
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Gotcha.I have noone here to hide from myself but if I did,I would be cautious.

pix
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I am worried about stuff getting traced to my computer.  It seems like if I erase my cache that my posts on this forum can't be traced to me.  Is that not true?
If I use email at yahoo can it not be traced to my computer?
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Everything you post here or any website you visit is burned into your hard drive.Just clearing the history or deleting cache
Stuff like that doesn't get rid of it.But someone trying to retrieve your info would have to know how to get the info from your hard drive.It can't be done by just sitting down to your computer and pulling it up.It is a process.Keep deleting and cleaning your history off and you will be fine.The only way I
have found to get rid of everything is to completely go over each bite of your hard drive.Think of it as a cd.The only way to erase the info is to record over it.But don't worry reading ones hard drive has to be done by someone that know how to do it.
                         bmac
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What's up with the forum being opened.I still can't post a question.Oh well I guess it will work out anyway.
                         bmac
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Please post if you do hear from Sean.
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I will as soon as he replies.That's if my cat will leave the typing to me.Crazy cat thinks he can type too.
                            bmac
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I have not been posting much lately, but it now seems like 1 year ago that I took the last Lorcet.  I am on day 18, down here in South America.  The physical stuff is all gone, except I am still a bit sluggish.  Today I will work out for the first time since I quite the drugs. It will be my first SOBER workout in 4 years.

My third child was born 2 days ago, and that has helped very much.  I am 47, with a 24 year old "second" spouse, and her pregnancy was the main driver to quit.  I knew I was killing myself from the poison, and I felt so guilty, knowing I was bringing a baby to the world as an addict. I have a 24 year old from my prior marriage, but it was the guilt from the new baby that was driving me crazy.

I am still mentally craving the pills.  I own a business down here with my wife, and I have to admit that I still do not have the drive that I had with the drug.  However, I know that it will return.

For all who are just reading without posting, wondering if "you can do it" (as I did for 3 weeks before CT), it can be done.  I was terrified and it was hell for 3-5 days, but it is very doable.  Unfortunately I did not have any Thomas ingredients and it was pure cold turkey, but I managed.  My poor wife thought I had a bad stomach virus, and I stayed home for 5 days, with many baths, lots of food, water and soda which for some reason helped...the sugar???

Now I am on phase 2...which will be very hard.  I have to live w/o hydro.  It amazes me how the demon pill can be sooo controlling. I cannot understand how my mind wants it even if the body does not.

Hasta luego.


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Hello Folks:
     Most of the way through day 16 (or 23 out of 29, clean) here on the east coast and doing OK.  I hope and pray Sean & Cheez are making it OK and that their absence doesn't bode ill things.  
     To the new folks I see popping in: hello and welcome.  I'm not too big on giving sage advice or comment, but there are many here who are quite good at that.  However, I will note 4 points: 1) If I can get clean from hydro you can -- it was absolutely controlling my every minute; 2) The Recipe (especially the L-Tyrosine) helps a lot; 3) DON'T make the mistake of fooling yourself into thinking, after all the (literal) sweat and tears of getting clean, that you'll be OK with "just a little bit" (for fun) after a few weeks or months -- you'll be (quickly) right back to the misery that caused you to find an addiction forum in the first place; and 4) regular exercise helps as much as the recipe (I would add eating and sleeping, but they seem to take care of themselves once the hydro is more than VERY recent history).

Take care,
CATUF
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I just read so many posts directed to me and I can't tell you all how deeply you've encouraged me. My wife has subsided considerably and while I know she will ebb and flow for a good long while, I believe the ball is in my court to be the man I need to be. My wife is an incredibly wise person and despite her rage, last night and this morning, she demonstrated her uncanny ability to focus into the roots of things and I knew in my heart she was right. Those things are for us alone to share as a couple, but she immediately dismissed the pills as a stupid but she told me (cynically, from the wife of a previous heroine abuser)that the drug relapse was bound to happen; but now let's talk about the deeper issues....

She's gotta a lot to say and I'm just listening. Her deep insecurity is well founded.

She very wisely pointed out my other addictions. She pointed out my incessant use of the internet at work and at home. She pointed out what I knew: I have no business collecting money from my employer while I surf the web. Unfortunately, this board is included in that misuse of my company's time, although I do not regret for one moment the support and ultimate first steps of sobriety that were directly taken from the people I met here (There are so many to whom I'm grateful: Jenn, Bill, Hippy, Catuf, Chezz, Groovy, Pixi, Thomas (hey, what's with this guy anyway?? Is he not, like, the most incredibly gifted writer, independent thinking, facts only with a flare, Hannibalish, cynical poster, of whom I've never quite gleened whether he is an active addict or in recovery or, like so many of us, a sincere admirer of the idea of sobriety) and so many others but you, Jason, my friend, got me to pick up the phone and call for help and have been an inspiration ever since. I'm eternally grateful.

My wife will ebb and flow and I know I can't resist that. I'm trying not to argue, defend, etc. anything that I've done. Her view is a simple one: "Someone who really loved me wouldn't risk throwing away my own and my children's security." Period. She has zero tolerance for the language of addiction or recovery. She doesn't go there.

At any rate, I promised her I would seek additional help through one on one counceling and aa meetings. I promised her I would completely cut my internet usage (unfortunately, this means this board as well...).

And for those men who have been so supportive, you may email me as you have. To those women: I can't thank you enough. You know who you are. Unfortunately, this is the cause of an incredible degree of hurt to my wife (what's the difference between talking to a woman at an aa meeting vs. email? I'm not sure, but I'm in no position to demand my rights or to continue secretive behavior. I know you understand because you've shown yourself as an awesome positive influence in my putting the pills down).

I'll remember you in my ongoing prayers.

Sean (Day 9)
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Sooo glad u feel better about ur wife.  But...if this helps u then why would u want to give it up and why would she want u to???
Suzie
P>S> Giving up part of yourself for your spouse is not healthy in my opinion.  Just causes resentment.  This addiction is about u not her.
Suzie
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Good luck, Sean.
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Very glad to hear things are moving in the right direction vis a vis your family.

CATUF (just hours now from day 17)
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I completed a 21 day detox from a huge Oxycontin habit (1000mg a day) and now am having real trouble with my motivation to get clean. I know all the reasons I must get clean, yet this is the first time I've tried to quit, and it was hard enough, but then my girlfriend, who has chronic pain and ran out of her painkillers (she is not an addict) needed me to go see my doc for another script of oxycontin. Since Saturday morning, when I picked up the script, I have used minimal amounts of oxy to help me work, because I have withdrawal symptoms, and the days that I don't use at all I feel so tired, depressed and lethargic. I find myself constantly wishing I was high, wanting that life again, even though it nearly destroyed me. I know that this sort of behavior starts a vicious cycle that ends in terminal addiction and years of detox, than using, then detox, etc. I really want to stay clean, to find the motivation, and nip this in the bud so I can get some clean time under my belt so I can stop this psychological and physical purgatory I now find myself in. Granted, I should not have put myself in the position where I had a whole bottle of oxy at my disposal, but I was not going to let my girlfriend continue to be in agony so I can avoid my demons. I have had so much positive support here, I really could use any advice I am given. Thanks so much.
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Hi there my friend..well, you did the right thing by posting what is going on with you. Congratulations for not giving in to the temptation to keep quiet about it and hide.  Hiding what is going on keeps the demon right alongside us.

I don't have any advice that you don't already know about, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else, so here goes...

Ask your girlfriend to not give you any oxy. Give all you have to her or someone else to hold. Having it available to you at this stage in your recovery is just asking for trouble.  Next, remember that you can and will eventually feel better, much much better than while using.  Once I got a few months away from my bad hydro habit, I was astonished at what 'normal' felt like. Your natural energy really will come back if you take good care of yourself. Trust your body. Reach out, ask for help, go to meetings if they are your thing, see a counselor, talk to us, write till you are blue in the face and love yourself no matter what.

All this helps, but the real key is in psyching yourself into wanting to be clean more than anything. You have to want it more than anything else in the world, and keep choosing it, every day.

I can sympathise with you. It is very very hard.  I've been clean over a year, but recently had gone back on meds for a little while due to excruciating pain. I had my husband hold and hide the meds, and wrote to my friends to keep myself honest and posted here about it. Falling back into addiction terrifies me.
Right now I'm a little better, but have needed to take a pill a few other times when the pain hit a 9 or 10 (I can handle a 7, and even an 8 for a little while).  I'm scared out of my wits, but am committed to only taking them when it is medically needed. So far, no addictive tendencies have come up, just a huge fear that they could resurface. My recent MRI came up showing way worse degeneration, and I am scheduled to see the surgeon again in a few weeks, he wants to do fusion. Blech. I won't do it.

Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into my story...I meant to give you support and encouragement.  Please remember that you can cross over to the other side and be free, and that while it is hard at first, you will feel sooo much better.

love,
WW
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Sorry I have not posted yet today. Work, Work, Work. It is great to be around everyone I work with. Everybody says there is a great uplifting energy about me since going back to work. It feels really good. I really didn't think about Hydro until I got home... Not being busy is a problem. I need to remember this tidbit.
By Friday I will have my laptop up and running. I can post from work that way. Everyone at work is constantly in my office using my computer... some real nosey people. Having the new laptop I can lock everyone out.
Pixi, great to hear about how well you are doing. I look forward to reading your threads.I copied your email today and will write you in the next few days... maybe I can send you a few pictures of my Son and Pups.
CinCee, you too... I hope we all can continue to stay in touch long after the site goes away. My wife is not the jealous type, We Love eachother to the moon... She allows me to communicate with whoever I choose. She is also very grateful to everyone for helping me so much. I am blessed that she is part of my life.
Thomas, Sean is right. Your writing is highly motivational. I truly believe that You and Chezz were the original people that helped me realize that I was an addict. Your thread about my sobriety in dog years was great. Many thanks. Has anyone heard from Chezz?
Sean - Stay strong if you need to talk to a friend my e-mail is
***@****
Goldenbear 18 days strong.
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I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers sean.

pixi
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I don't want to take away from anybody else's post, but I have a question.  Here's my situation....
My habit had gotten up to 6,7 MAYBE 8 hydros (5's) a day.  How long will my withdrawals last?  I know everybody's different, but on average, what do you guys think?  How long will I be miserable?  I've been taking on and off for about 2 and 1/2 years (with months in between), and my habit has grown to 6 or 7 pills a day.  Of course, it all started out LEGIT.  And I do have PAIN, but nothing to warrant the abuse.  I just need some insight.  I'm still miserable.  And scared.  But your posts ARE helping me sooo much!  I don't have any now, haven't in three days, but I've got to have a root canal later this week.  What should I do about the pain?  I'm really trying hard.  Please share a little.  I love each of you.
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You sound absolutely wonderful!Better than you have in quite a while.You just got a very important part of your life back! (your career).I know about people in the workplace using your computer and you dont want to risk them seeing this place .They may want to join after they read all our posts.lolId love to see pics of your son and the pups,or as I call them,all the little goldens.lol We could call them the haagan daaz bunch....????spelling.Yor wife sounds like a terrific.I can tell that you two are really in love.Some people just seem to connect as people instead of male or female and your wife seems to understand that.Send me a pic of her too if she dont care.Ok,one of ALL the goldens.lolI can send you a pic of my cat and my guinea pig,what a pair they are.... I hope you have another good day at work tomorrow.See,your co-workers enjoy the REAL you without that old devil lorcet altering your personality.

pixi
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I was also taking a low dose of hydro,about 4 5mg/day.I went through the worst of it in 4 days.Day 5 was pretty good,day 7 I was feeling back to my old self except for the few aches I was masking with hydro and the mental craving.Im on day 18 now and feel really good except the fact that I still want them.Im not sure when that will go away since im not there yet.CinCee stopped about the same time as me and had a very similar experience.You can do it bell and you  have the worst of the physical withdrawl (withdrawal) behind you.Im pulling for you and I hope your road isn't too difficult.

pixi
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Hi moxy,I cant really add anything more than WW said to you.She gave you good advice.I just wanted you to know that you have my support,prayers and encouragement in your desire to stay off oxy.You can do this,I consider myself weak when it comes to hydro but Im on day 18 and so glad i quit.Good luck.

pixi
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You sound really perky today too. Life in general is getting more comfortable, I hope you are gaining the same positive energy in your life too. I will send pics to you in the next day or so.
Keep up the great attitude, you should be very proud of yourself.
Your friend
Goldenbear
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thanks so much pixi.  hopefully this will all be over soon.  i just hope i can be strong when i get the root canal done.  one day at a time....i'm still confident and hopeful that i can beat this.  i feel positive, really i do.. it's just tough, what we put ourselves through.  my hope for all of us is that we realize the strength and positivity that's naturally within, that we don't have to have this false, lying junk to make us feel like we are better or something. thanks again.
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Thanks for thinking of me today.  Congrats on getting your life up to speed.  Sounds like you're really doing great.
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Since Pixi insists on talking about me;) I will add my .02 and tell you that you should be feeling better any second now.  It can be up and down during the days you're in, but looking back at the whole day hopefully it will seem better than the one before, and the one before...
About the root canal: if you don't have to actually have surgery (where they cut into your gum from the side), you don't need narcotics.  Really. I have genetically bad teeth and have spent a lot of time in the chair and I'm telling you that unless it is very complicated, you shouldn't need anything more than tylenol.
But personally I'd never turn down the nitrous for during the procedure. lol.
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thank you.  i need the encouragement.  it's really not complicated...just be strong, right?  i'll get through this, i know i will.  thanks again.  i'll let you know how my week goes.  hang in there, everybody.  peace.
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Hello, My name is Brian, I am from Cincinnati Ohio. Im 21 years old. I got started on pain killers about a year and a half ago. I had alot of problims with my jawbones and mouth, and had to have alot of surgerys to fix the bones, ect. Well the pain was pretty bad and the doctors started giving me 30 percocet's at a time. Usually it was the 5's but somtimes they would give me the 10's ( green oval ) Well i couldnt tell you how many times ive went back for refills. They always refilled for me. They always have gave me vicodens, vicoden ES's. Ive had demerol shots. Its gotten pretty bad right now. I know im a addict because i cannot imagine life without them. I had my last surgery about a month ago. The pain is pretty much gone but they still are giving me pain meds. The worse part is when i dont have anything to take.. or I run out, I get the usual w/d plus my blood preasure goes way way high. Lasttime it was 147/110 and my heart rate was 135. I know thats damn high for a 21 year old male. Ive never ever had hih blood preasure before and i am guessing its part of withdrawl (withdrawal)? Its so horrible. I feel like the only way i can live is to take my medicine. I do go to ER's sometimes and get just small scripts to tide me over.. Usually vicodens or something. I never get the " high " or the " buzz " nomore. I just feel so damn bad without something. I get reall mean to my Girlfriend. I cant function. I keep telling myself after each script i fill.. " this is my last time " I got one script yesterday of 12 vicoden ES's and im down to 4 left as of right now. The longest ive went without anything has been 2 days in the past year. I did go 4 days once but that was with some help of my moms neighbor..She gets methadone daily for her herion addiction and she gave me a little bit to take for the dope sickness. She was a god to me at that point.. I was so damn sick.. i needed something.. anything i didnt care. This **** is killing me.. I havent ever mentioned it to a Doctor mainly because i think they arent going to do anything to help.. Right now my chest is burning. My bottle is right next to me and i just blah.. I feel like crying Im too young to do this.. I cant even work i cant even take care of myself..I have never really done anything majorly illegal to get anything Cept for buying some percs or some vic's from people. I had to.. as soon as i know the person has them i do anything to get them. I want this to stop, I want to feel normal.. the only time i am happy is when i am taking something.. the pain stops... the anger stops...i feel like such a damn loser i can only go 2 days.. I cant imagine going any longer than that. I feel like all of this is not true and if i go to get help they arent going to believe me. and ill just have to suffer all by myself. My girlfriend sees whats happening and she supports me damn well..she has even went to the doc and got me medicine plenty times.. just to calm me down and so i wouldnt be sick.. god i know that sounds so bad.. all of this sounds so bad. Reading these post have helped me alot. I just dont know where to turn except back to the doctor to get more.. and more.. and more... I never take more than what im sposed to. Hell i even broke the perc 10's in half so they would last me longer. i have done the same with vic's. I feel like this isnt real :( i feel like noones gona believe me or help me.. thats my biggest fear.. if i KNOW they will help i will do my best to get the help.. i just want to be helped. I cant do it myself.. i have tried and it only last a damn hour. what can i do ? what should i do? are they gona believe me when i go to ask for help and not give me some " well you just have to stop " bullshit? That isnt going to work.. im NOT gona be able to stop on my own.. My blood preasure goes sky high. The docs have been wondering why its been so high.. They have ran test and they sjust shrug it off.. But i know why its going so high.. it only happens when i dont take something. Please somone talk to me.. tell me whats going to happen when i go seek help.. Im sorry if i sound like a ******* junkie.. But i damn feel like one.. i have noone else to talk to this about.. noone in my family knows about this cept my mom. And shes just no help.. She asks to buy my pills from me herself.. she doesnt understand.. Thanks to all who read this. Thanks to all who understand and dont look down on me. I feel like crying now. Thanks again

Brian
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Sorry to break the string..but please help...
Please people...HELP!  WEll my x has me by the balls !  (well im female but there is not other equivalent saying) Anyway, he has threatened me , almost raped me, kicked me, grabbed me and i'm afraid to report him to the police cuz he can use my addiction against me and may be get my daughter.
And now he's undermining her relationship with her only living  grandparents (of course my parents) who she especially needs now with the divorce and all.  And hes buying her stuff (nintendo) and playing with her which he has never done in her life.  So..she wants to live with him.
But anyone ever been in similar situation ..about needing to report him but not wanting  to compromise my position with her and custody (because im an addict and he knows it)??????
thx,  
P.S. I wish i could post this as a new string but.. no more left to do today  of course.  I may at midnight though.
Thx again,
Suzie
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Little boy you are in trouble just keep using and get a job You soun like you are always gonna be an addict wtihout inhouse rehab. Just get a job and it won't feel so bad I'm sorry that you are so young an so messed up butit happened to me and everyone here so accept it or change it must be nice to have a girlfriend that cares enough to help maybe not the best advice i could give you but just hang in there cause there is always some place to score. I love you
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Don't freak as long as you are using meds from a doctor nobody can hurt you your the mom relax and get your head together your the boss its from a doctor no matter what any one says peace your friend
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I dont want to keep " using ". That was the whole purpose of writing here. To try to get some help to at least try to stop. I dont see myself having a future if I keep " using "
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its o.k. to cry,brian..so just let it out.we all here have been through the seeking and sickening cycle of meds vs no meds.the most important thing to know is that you can be helped from all of these folks here and number one,yourself.of course we all feel helpless and useless when we realize how sick with addiction we really are, but you must want to quit and find your your true lifes goals and aspirations.you are right ,you are young,and it is sad to hear that you are hooked up when your life should be about the wonders that lie ahead for you.but that is not meant to be a judgement,nobody here will judge you. i have heard that unless you are suicidal,that going to doc. or clinic and admitting your problem could be dangerous for your future if you are in true pain,or ever have a real situation that calls for medicine's attention.although some people have good things to say about it.i beleive its always on your records,and you are so young,id try to gather the support from those who care for you at home and the folks here.do you want to quit?do you want this party to end?this party never gets any better,and it is the biggest dark void youll ever try to get out of.usually,youll just get on to stronger or more meds. before its over and thats when more greif begins.i know because i have severe pain and am taking meds that i struggle with every day.you must begin by asking yourself what you are trying to replace in your life?is this serving you?no,because you wouldnt be here.i beleive in God,even though i dont practice religion,and ive asked myself this question many times'"WHY DONT I TRUST GOD TO GIVE TO ME WHAT IM SEEKING?IF I TRULY TRUSTED GOD,THEN ID GIVE HIM/HER MY HEART TO HOLD AND NURTURE. I WOULD STAY OFF MEDS LONG ENOUGH TO LET MY WILL BECOME GODS,AND THEN MY LIFE EXPERIENCE WOULD BE ALL ABOUT TRUST AND WILLINGNESS.NOT ABOUT SICKNESS AND SEEKING.ARE MY ANGELS LOOKING AT ME NOW AND WEEPING?sometimes it all gets very overwhelming,but if you truly want help,its here for you.look within,and do some soul searching,ill bet you still have alot of spirit in you thats dying to get out and be expressed.there is a recipe here thats for going cold turkey which makes it much easier on your body,and helps your body to heal and create the balance in the brain which has been leached from the drugs..also helps so as not to relapse.THOMAS' recipe its in yesterdays threads.im not sure how to post it for you maybe someone else can,im not good w/ computers.you are welcome to post here as much as you can,or need,there is always wise words,kind hearts,supportive guidance.good luck and let us know how we can be of help..good night,deva
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Thank you.. Just reading that, helps. I am in so much pain right now.. at this moment.. everything hurts. I have medicine But im trying my best to not take it... :( I can feel the tingleness coming.. my chest....... my head.. I wish this would stop :(
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The thing that scares me the most i think about trying to quit myself is how sick i get when i DONT take any pills. My blood preasure scares the hell out of me. Its only high when i dont have anything.. heartrate also. The highest ive seen it was 135 beats per min. Then right after i got a script, it was fine. I worry about what will happen if i do go longer than 2 days. Sorry for posting so much :( I just feel better getting all this **** out. Thanks
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Brian, Brian, Brian
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Brian, Brian, Brian
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well that just makes me feel a whole lot better.. heh I have never been to this place in my life, cept for tonight. I didnt know the way that i " type " would make any difference to anyone. This is all new to me, Sorry if i dont type the way you would expect me to. Sorry if i didnt discribe my feelings and problems in a way that you would like. I felt extremly sick tonight, so if you dont really like how i " type " then just dont comment or read it. I know that this isnt a "bogus" post as you put it. I dont know any of you people. All i wanted was to compare myself to others and actually know that others feel the way I feel.
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In the SLIGHT chance that I am mistaken, I apologize.

But, in my analysis, I said you were a FEMALE with low self esteem who was practicing her writing....

If I were a 21 year old guy, with high blood pressure, who had a tendency to get mad at his girlfriend.... Well, the first thing I would have bitched at was the fact that someone had called me a GIRL! You didn't even mention that fact in your response to me. Further evidence that I AM correct in my assessment of you.

Stop your charade. That means, "fakery, false pretence, sham, or deception." Just in case you were wondering.

Jess
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okay um. If you think im so " fake " I really dont mind turning on my webcam and i guess proving it ? I do think thats rather uncalled for, but if you are so certain a new person to the board, is automatically " fake " just because of the way they type. Im more than happy to smile and show you my gotee. That seems pretty silly and kiddy to me. On my first post i just typed from my heart, and what was on my mind. Something ive been wanting to do for a long time and have always been scared to do so.
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You seem very sure of yourself and quick to judge somone just because you didnt agree with their first impression. I thought this board was here for people to get help? and share their thoughts and feelings. Just reading through some of these post have made my feel better. And my comment about getting mad at my girlfriend.... Doesnt everyone get angry while going through withdrawls?
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Right.

O.K.-- I will take you up on the offer to see you on your webcam. To assure your privacy, and unwanted attention, Here's my personal e-mail: ***@****

Please forward your webcam Address via my e-mail, and I'll be the judge of your "gotee"--

If you are who you say you are, I'll post my most sincere apologies to you on the forum, and I will promise NOT to analyze any new posters in the future.

~~I'm awaiting your reply.~~

~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~

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First to (Everyone)-I have seen this sort of nonsense before on the ole A.A. coffee talk chat.

(Pimp)- I don't necessarily think you are fake, but I do think you are playing a reactionary game of mind-f@#$. First, using such a dirty sounding handle would of course make you feel and act like a LOW CLASS JUNKIE, and others would be of the same impression. I am not referring to financial or educational status here. I am referring to impressions brought on by the text content.

You cussed throughout your posts, which by the way; had you really read the forum you would have noticed it is not permitted in the rules. The cussing makes you sound drugged out or stupid for lack of ability to find better filler words.

Had you read the forum you would have read all the support and help the people here have already gotten and are still receiving, and therefore no need to be afraid of no one helping. You could try N/A or A/A for starters for help if you don't trust us addicts here. Be prepared to admit you are an addict.

If you drink alcohol with your stash as it seems like a drunken sort of post, that would explain the high blood pressure. Alcohol consumption and especially withdrawal significantly raises blood pressure. You could simply walk into a doctors office during those times of high blood pressure and say you are feeling sick because of it and he/she may prescribe something to lower it which may help you to detox using the (Thomas recipe), if that is what you really want. I agree with Jessearpy that attention seems more like the thing you are striving for here and not sobriety. You will not get much here for long unless you clean up your act and get a grip. Most will simply scroll right on past you.

(Jessearpy)- Thank you for giving your opinion on this matter, we do not need this forum turning into a trash board because of some youngster playing micky-mouse mind-jive.

Chatahan
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Sue-z,

I meant to post to you first. You have a more legit problem that needs to be addressed, and I got side tracked with that other non-sense.

I think you need to call one of those shelters for help against family violence. The police usually will not make an arrest unless they catch him in the act, or you have bruises or broken bones to prove it, or witnesses are even better.

Those shelters are great with giving counseling on how to get rid of him legally while protecting yourself and child. You must be in a co-dependant relationship. I was stuck in one of those for a few years but that is now passed (Thank the Good Lord) above. They may even have you go to co-dependants anonymous meetings, similar to N/A AND A/A.

Do not allow his threats of prescription drug use scare you into staying in a bad relationship for you and your child. First of all, as someone else mentioned above it is all prescribed. It is hard for a man to take away the children unless he can prove blatant illegal drug use or neglect etc.

I'll pray the Lord guides you in the right diection. Good luck.

Chatahan
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Jessearpy,

I forgot to mention earlier; you may not have seen it because the thread is down a bit from the 5th and I wrote on the 10th, but I responded to your question on the thread started by Alchemist. I hope you got a chance to see it so you didn't misunderstand my meaning behind that earlier comment I had made which you referred to.

Now you have my curiosity up as to if the Pimp is someone from this board. There would only be one person I would guess, but I don't want to say it here and start a flame war, which is what this person may be trying to do.

Take care,

Chatahan
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Yes, Chatahan

I did see your posts in regard to the AA holy rollers further on down the post; and I heartily agree with you in regards to EVERYTHING you mention about certain AA groups... Thanks for the reply!

In other subjects, I'm curious about the handle you've chosen...
"Chatahan" -- Are you referring to Chatahan county in North Carolina, or is it a part of a Native-American word or phrase, or tribe, Etc?

AND you're on the right track in your line of thinking!

Well, I should be getting ready for WORK now, so to quote Mr. Porky Pig, "be de ah, be de ah, bed eah, that
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Is anybody up. Its 4:30 and haven't got a wink of sleep. I was waking my wife up trying to change positions all night. So I figured it was a lot better idea to make a bed in my office and lay down so I don't keep her up forever. She has to work. I will live with no sleep.
There is nothing I hate more than keeping her up when I can't sleep. It is bad enough when one can't sleep. But to keep the other person up is just stupid. ;0
Well, I guess I will be able to catch up on all the posts I missed.
Chezz
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Good to see you.  Starting day 17 here.

CATUF

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Thanks Cat. Good to see you too. Thanks for the inquery on me. It makes me feel good to know I was thought about. I thought about all you guys too. I even wondered how many new people I missed coming here while I was out.
I just made my wife some eggs for breakfast for when she gets up. I feel so bad for keeping her tossing and turning with me. I have been up all night, couldn't sleep. I hate that.
Hope you are having a good morning.
Chezz
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i just checked in for the first time this morning.  those earlier posts were sad, i was so disappointed.  guess i need to be educated not only in beating this addiction, but in the ways of silly kids interfering with such an important way of folks connecting.  feeling better today...day 4.  i hope this is over soon.  but, i do think that now comes the hard part...not using it again or what happens if i really have true pain again.  oh well, that's another day.  today is the day...seize the day.  love to each of you.
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Good morning S.Belle. I am just catching up on all of the posts I missed in the last 4-5 days. I am just getting to the part with pimp and all of the posts after. Doesn't look too good so far.

I did read some of your posts and just wanted you to know that you should be almost free of it. Day 4 is a toughy. Today should be good, still a little tough. Tomorrow you should feel ALOT better. Day 5 is really the end and the beginning. So all you have to do is keep positive and look to the bright side of it. YOU are MAKING it.
You are right too. That is another day. You can't worry too much about the future yet. You days are already BETTER NOW since you are free from using.
I am glad to see somebody else has made it. ;)
I hope today is easy for you and you are feeling better this morning.

Chezz

P.S. I don't know if the kid was to blame yet. I just read his post and then the derogatory post by Dirtbag to him. I hate to see when a new person 1st posts, and then the 1st response he gets is to give up and continue to USE. Not a very good response after someone spills their heart out and is BEGGING for help and guidance and that is all they get. Pretty dissapointing to say the least.
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Thanks Jess for breaking it down. I guess my lack of sleep and just reading his post and not getting down far enough to your response and intellect didn't help.
Next time I will read a little more before I post. :)
That and maybe get some sleep. lol
Chezz
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WHEN YOu know something you dont have to tell anyone it's
like holding aces

next dont' give advice unless asked
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Thanks Chezz. You and deva's post's are about the only 2 that have been even worth anything.
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hey pimp, good mornin  
hope you have weathered the storm
of nothingness
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talking about positive things is the thing i want to hear more
of , like how the receipe is a life saver, and  how the people
on this fourm are so supportive
and may a add they make mistakes , we have to allow for that in
other people, we as addicts have unrealistic expectations
on others.

so allow for a few screw ups now and  agian.
it is raining  hear in philly  im working the 2nd shift
tis week, so i will out from 2 to 10.

stay positive  
peace!!!!!!!

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Good morning Michael. You got mail. ;)
I had a question or 2.
Chezz
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hi everyone, I have been absent for a while, but i have been reading when I had the chance..I am doing ok, had a work-busy week..but doin ok..

I have to comment on the letter from pimp**** , wow..jess, no offense, but are you absolutely sure of your accusations, if someone comes here and post for the first time, in the off chance he is who he says he is, weren't you kind of harsh?  I probably have no right to throw in my two cents, but ..ouch

pimp**** - I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you..you are in some real trouble, you need to seek professional help, just call NA or AA, and talk, start talking..


sheila

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Good Morning Shiela!!!
Nice to see you here on my 1st morning back. I posted yesterday what has been going on. I will send you something later when I get a chance. I am trying to catch up on what has been happening.
I hope everything is going well with you!!! ;)
Chezz

I keep posting in the meantime so I haven't got much reading done since everyone else woke up! ;)
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Hey everybody. How is everybody doing? Its 8:36am here, and I am so tired. I want to go back to bed but I slept like all day yesterday. I was getting these terrible headaches. But all I took was aleve, so I am still going.(13) Why do I not like this number??? Maybe it is just me? I saw the topic question. For me, I would start out wanting a buzz. The usual. After the second day of staying up though, I would do it to stay up. I knew I had to. (Yeah!) Well, I would buy more, and stay up. The buzz was not really as much of an issue anymore. The hallucionations from psycosis maybe, I nicknamed "The Shadow People" Were always there. Oh well. It's over now.
Everybody stay cool,
festertool
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Well i think this me being " fake " is pretty much over with. Me and jess exchanged a few emails. I didnt really think i'd have to come here and prove myself to anyone.. I just wanted somone to listen to me is all... I do understand that i need to get some sort of help. I just dont know how to go about it the right and best way. I am worried that they will just blow me off.. Maybe thats silly to think that? I dont know.. I dont want to be looked at as some kid that just gets " high " Because thats very far from the truth.. I dont take drugs for the high...This is the first real time ive actually talked about this to anyone, other than to myself in my own mind. YEah my girlfriend knows.. But she doesnt really understand how this feels.. how sick i feel all the time.. She doesnt understand that you CAN be dependent on something... And to a earlier post... No I dont drink.. i dont mix any drugs.. i dont snort anything up my nose.. i dont smoke weed. I seen somone say people fake suicide and such on here. I dont believe that was mentioned in my post at all.. because i have never thought about suicide. Thank you dreamin for your post.
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sorry I can't bring myself to call you that.  You have made a start.  It all starts with just one step. you have done that.  Anyone who has been there knows the hell you are going through.  we have all been there.  Unfortunately, there are no easy answers and the more answers you get the more questions it creates.  Keep posting here, the people here will help you, trust me on that....
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Thanks, it does make me feel a hell of alot better knowning that people are willing to listen, and that other people go through this everyday also.
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hey guy,

I understand you are doing a bit better, pain wise anyway.  That is really good to hear.  Just because i haven't posted doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of everyone. Have you heard form Sean at all?  let me know what's up with you today.

sheila
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we are all in this together, pimp.  you can do this if you really want to.  but i'm finding out, you really have to want to be free of this stuff.  nothing lukewarm.  it's all or nothing.  BUT, if you give it all you got, then you can't lose...you can only get better.  i read somewhere that it doesn't kill you to get off drugs, it kills you to stay on them.  gotta get to work now.  no matter what's going on, I wish peace and love to you and everybody else.
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where did you come up with that name,
it say's a lot
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Um it's just a name i have used for a few years.
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BRB. Gotta say good morning to the wife, and "tuck her OUT of bed" LOL   ;)
Chezz
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it si hard to write that word,
anyway how are you doing, where are you at as far as
the pills , do you know about the receipe
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Yeah ive read about the recipe. I do plan on trying it.. ill try anything that will help. And the pills? I still take them everyday... Depending on what i have ( percs or vicodens ), around 5 or 6 a day. I dont go over what the bottle says, I never have..
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you should go to a na meeting,
there are some really good ones
there, i have been to quite a few in ohio.
there you will find people just like us.
addicts at the end of thr road
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hey, I remember in one of your short (wink) you mentioned taking nerotnin..My dr has mentioned that to help with my serious migraines.  could you tell me a little bit about that drug?  please

sheila
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I hope that my post to you last night wasn't taken in the wrong way.I just made my experience a lot worse because of stressing so much over it.I just don't want you to do as I did.
Are they going to fix the L4/5 level? If so ask your neuro doc to look at the S1 level while he is there.I let my wife look at your test results you posted and she said to tell you she sees a lot of people come back because the surgeon didn't look hard enough at the S1 level.Your neuro doc will explain this to you I am sure.
I hope in the future you don't take anything I say the wrong way.
I only try to help you not get you pissed at me.I am sure you are not,knowing you a little I am sure you would tell me if you were.Get better and relax a little and let the nerve relax a bit,it will help.
                            bmac
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Hey buddy. I posted below.
I would never take anything you said and get pissed.
I just wanted to make sure you knew I was STRESSING. I know that is the worst, and doesn't do any good.
I reread my post and thought the same thing. I sounded like I was freaking out.
I just really needed someone here to talk to. I feel like a poor little boy who didn't get picked for the team!!!!
It just gets lonely sometimes when you move so much. Plus after being out of the country for so long and not knowing anybody back in the states. Kind of expensive to call Japan!!!
Sarcasm - I just wish I had some frrrriiiieeennnnnnddddsssss. ;)
Chezz

Thanks for the extra info on the tests too. I haven't met the neuro yet. But I am going to do some checking up on him and then make sure this is taken care of properly. And that he knows my whole medical history and what tests, ect that I have gotten done in the past and that I REALLY want to get this done right the FIRST time.
Thanks again.
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I have sent you my email address and you are welcome to email me anytime.I am here 24/7 most of the time and I am addicted to
the internet so I spend too much time typing but until I bought this PC I couldn't even type my name much less a
conversation.Now I can type(two fingered)100,000 words a minute.
Anytime!!!
                  Friend!
                   Bill
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I try and keep my posts SHORT!!! LOL
My fingers just take a little while to cool off when I am typing so they just keep on going! ;)
(Honest-I did plan on making this short-I bet you are sorry you asked-OR that I answered!!)

I took the nuerontin after I was having pain for awhile, during my last episode about 3years ago. It was supposed to help with the nerve pain. It also helped me sleep if I am not mistaken. I only took it at night. It also did help cut down on the amount of meds I was taking.
I wish I remembered more about it. But at the time I felt like a guinea pig. I really didn't like taking the percocet for so long and got tired of it.(If you know me-I have integrity and don't have a reason to lie to you all) After about 4 months of pain and the meds I really wanted to just get better. I also was at the apex of deciding to resign from my job or trying to wait it out and hope that I would get better. I was making alot of money and TAX FREE in Japan. So I wanted to try everything I could to just get better. This was my dream job, and I was 23.
You know the rest of the story. I resigned and finally got better after about 9 months. 3 months living in Hawaii and doing physical therapy everyday. Plus a plethra of tests.
So I tried, honest to god, about 30 different medicines. Everything you could imagine. From anti-depressants to blood pressure meds. Everything.
So my memory is not very good about all the meds.
But one thing is for sure. I CAN'T write a SHORT post. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Chezz
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Thanks Bill I got your email address. But I will be honest, for some reason I even have a hard time emailing my FAMILY.
Kind of surprising since I seem to like to TYPE so much!
I will email though. Things are going to be tough around and after surgery time and I could use the Friends to lean on.
Thanks.

You have got me beat! 100,000 a minute. Your puter' must be SMOKING.
Which is what I am going to do! I wish I would have quit when I quit the meds last time. Right now is not such a good time! lol
Thanks again,
Chezz



BTW - Dreaming, did you quit smoking for good>?
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nope..i didn't..

enough said
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I can't seem to stop smoking either.I have tried and made it 4 months before but I just can't stop.PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!
Of course my brain says no way.Matter of fact I need to go smoke one now,bye!
                     bmac
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Dreamin,

I used Neurontin four years ago for anti-convulsant and OCD problems. It also is good for deep Neurological pain in some people. You can not just crash off of it though, you must taper so as to avoid seizures.

I took an old bottle of it while I was in the midst of the DT'S last February, and I believe it really helped and may be the only thing that saved me from seizures to the max. I went off it again once they put me back on Klonopin, because Klonopin is more effective for temporal lobe partial complex seizures.

Neurontin also known as Gabapenton, spelling? will make you drousy and helps promote sleep. I hope this helps.

Chatahan
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Good morning to you fes.You are sounding better every time you post.Day 13 is a BIG accomplishment!stay on the path,it only gets easier from here.Besides,those shadow people can be really scary!lol

pixi
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I'm not a psychologist or anaylist nor can I spell correctly sometimes..:-) but this I know after being a double amputee for the past 35 years....spending two years in the hospital from 14 to 16 years old when I was electrocuted and fried to a crisp...and all the surgeries after ( now up to 99 ) pain hurts and so does life....your still young and if your being honest about things...realitively new to the addiction thing ( you say you don't / haven't done anything else ). Well STOP NOW. I've been fighting this **** for the past 35 years...20 years ago I was really bad and checked into a program for 30 days. You can't do that I know..I know....but you can start somewhere....If you really WANT to change...start with your screen name....small step but one forward.....then make a phone call to the local NA / AA or Mental Health Clinic in your town or city and begin the process. This forum is OK and there are a lot of people who care and give advice....but you must do something for yourself.

I experienced the blood pressure thing myself....it's primarliy two things....w/d's and your head....take a few deep breaths...go for a walk...hell at your age...bike ride..frisbee anything man....get your body moving and your mind out of your butt.  Me I'm 49 now...smoking since 15 and it's difficult to get around on one arm one leg BUT I get up now at 5:00 am and get to the gym....I went on meds for the blood pressure but will wean off them because my exercising will lower it. I drink a gallon of water each day. Believe me when I say that earlier this summer when I first found this forum, I felt like I was alone in my thoughts...then talking here to others opened my head a bit. Deep inside I knew the answers and you do too, but it was good to see it in front of my face.............Besides coming here...DO SOMETHING ! There are, I believe, those that just sit in front of their computers and cruise these places for attention...don't get hooked on that part of recovery...you have a life to live...live it.
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Pimp,

I don't think I was that rough on you and I never read anything on the thread about suicide, so I have no idea where you csme up with that one.

I did suggest you see a doc for your hgih blood pressure. The mention of booze was just a thought because many addicts also use alcohol and I know that can raise blood pressure. I also suggested you attend N/A or A/A meetings for help and that the people on this forum have been very supportive.

I was a little harsher in tone than usual. Probably because of the swearing and accusations that no one here or anywhere else would ever listen or help. I was in pain and tired, therefore a little on the crabby side.

We all want to help, but as many have said, you also have to want to help youself. Keep posting and I hope you find some answers that are helpful to you.

Oh, by the way, I know we should not judge a book by it's cover but your handle sounds terrible, like you really think lowly of yourself. You may want to find a more uplifting and positive handle. It will show you want to feel better about yourself and how others perceive you. Just a suggestion. Take care,

Chatahan
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Jessearpy,

The name Chatahan was the last typhoon to make a direct eye passage over Guam, just this past July. I used to be known as wildcat, my tribal name used, but the re-registering would not allow it, saying it is already in use.

I am really into nature and cats so wildcat is fitting. The typhoon and it's backup five days later named, Ha'long really trashed my place and caused alot of work and major stress. I kind of took to the name Chatahan though so I decided to use it.

It is a part of nature too, and goes with one of my favorite phrases, what goes around, comes around. My tempor used to be worthy of being called a typhoon but since stopping the booze, going through many recovery steps and taking the Klonopin and Ultram for the pain has chilled me out quite a bit. Pain has a way of making even the kindest person, angry and nasty. That's why it is so important for us to keep the pain down to a minimum if possible so we can function in a positive way. I'm babbling now, it's 2:30 am so I better get back to bed. I awoke in pain, took my middle of the night dosage and then decided to check the forum real fast. Real fast turned into over an hour but now I am feeling better and tired enough to sleep okay.

I hope you are doing well and feeling good today. Take care.

Chatahan

P.S.-If you want to email me anytime, the address is
         ***@****



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Um well i have used this handle for years now. I like it.. and its what people know me as.. I really dont see why a screenname matters much. But everyone has the right to their own comment. I just dont think being judged by a screenname is fair, or by the way i type, ect.
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Hey everybody!

Pixi,
Loved your post. How is it you always manage to make me smile? I am glad we're both crazy. lol. The shadow people are gone now so we dont have to worry. I was a little confused this morning from all the commotion but the nap helped. Stay cool.

festertool
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Brian,

I kept on trying and trying to get the yahoo IM to see your cam, and it still doesn't work... I know that I'm using the right handle. You did give it to me in 2 separate e-mails.

Tell me the TRUTH, now.... You weren't just "pulling my chain" about letting me SEE YOU on your cam to prove my whacko theories wrong were you?!

I'm sitting here, READY TO APOLOGIZE to YOU and the WHOLE FORUM.

Just give me the proof that I asked for;

VERY SIMPLE.

~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~

P.S. Brian has a pretty decent little website. It is his handle + .org

I find it somewhat revealing that it is, indeed, a portal to all sorts of fun "Hackware" as we in the IT Systems Security Feild put it.
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I sent you an email this morning. :)
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Im so glad i can make you smile through the haze of being sober and running from the shadow people.lol your doing great!Oh yeah,how did you know I was crazy?What gave it away?lol

pixi
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Are you in Guam.

All I remember from my last bus. trip there was the viking club!
That and a few others. The viking was right across from our hotel, so it was easy access!!!

Kind of refreshing since I was flying in from Tokyo. All the clubs there cost about 70-100US to get in plus the extra's inside like drinks and dances. They don't have a bill smaller than 10US so tips added up. We had many night there that cost 1500-2000US.
So to drop 500-1000US a night in the viking ensured they took care of us, and still cost less than Tokyo. No funny bus. just fun.
Chezz
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...sure....
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Hey percs,

Kind of hard to have too much fun when your boss is with you. The vice president of the company is there, and you have some top principals from the companies you represent sitting by you!!!
It's more like babysitting than anything. Half our job was to take care of them while they were in town. That isn't to say some of them "needed" a little more assistance than others! lol
Actually, we had one principal that would leave his trip itinerary with his excursion to the Phillipines(sp) on it! LOL We always got a kick out of that.
Chezz
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Thanks for the info on the video. I am still checking in to it. I wasn't feeling too well yesterday since I didn't get any sleep. I didn't feel like messing with it.
I am going to get my doctor to buy it so she can keep it for all her patients. Especially if it is a series with all different types of surgeries.
I've been told I could sell someone their own stuff back to them for 2x what they paid, so I will give it a shot! LOL
Chezz
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no problema!!!!
Yes there's (or was) 12 additional operations in the OPERATION SERIES. However, only one dealt with the back.

I have to be honest, after i viewed the surgery, my very first reaction was, I'm glad I had the surgery first...
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WOW. Not good.
I really don't want to watch it and I don't even have the tape yet.
I think it will be informative though. Sometimes things are best left unsaid/unseen though. ;)

I am just curious to see it. I have to get the surgery either way though.

The sooner I get it, the sooner I can get back to normal. I really wish I could do it and just get it over with. The same with the meds. I hate taking stuff everyday. I don't like not feeling like myself.
Chezz
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...i'm just being honest, and NOT trying to scare you.
I bought it to understand the "real" structures for aftercare, postop.  Was just surprised how deep the discs really lie... you know when you reach around with your hand a feel your spinous process, it feels like your spine is right there.... well now i know why they can perform the surgery from front or back.
Please don't be unsettled, it will go great.... i just wanted to pass on my reaction.
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Percs,

I am aware of the disc location. They are about 4 inches in from what you feel on the outside.

I do not want this surgery. I would/have done everything to put it off. I wish I could just make it go away.

But one thing I have realized. When you are in real pain. When you need medical help. You aren't worried about meds, you aren't worried about alot of things. You just want to get better.

That is where I am at now. I just want to get better.

I will be honest. I have taken the LEAST amount of meds possible. I have taken them EXACTLY as prescribed. And I want to be off of them as soon as possible.
Because the sooner I am, the sooner I can move on with the rest of my life. I don't plan on being here forever. I don't plan on dealing with this stuff in my life forever.
It is a necessary evil right now.
I just want to be healthy. I have learned so much from the people here and the struggles that some have dealt with all of their life.
I don't want to be that person. I have seen their pain. Their torment. Their hell.
I feel for them. I hope they can get better and live a better life.
They have taught me.
Chezz
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It will be over before you know it( & aahhhhhh the relief)
Now i (geeez when i don't capitalize the i, i think about the Jessarpy analysis of PS) know everybody is different, but the 8 week recovery time, i'd be shocked if you weren't fully operational in less than half that time.
Anyways, good luck my friend.....i'm off to tend to my lit'l ones for the next few days(off work), while wifey gets a much overdue weekend with the girls in Seattle...look out Nordstroms
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Good job on the meds.....your desire to be free and clear of them is crystal clear; just don't let yourself suffer too much!
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I am getting ready to try and hobble around the neighborhood. The post is up on the 1st string.

My doc did up my dose of meds. I don't want to. But I did take it yesterday. I felt better. I just like taking them. I really don't want to have to deal with all that comes with it.
I have dealt with this pain without meds before. So the relief is good. I just don't plan on taking the meds and being "pain free". So I am still dealing with alot of pain. But I feel better dealing with it, than just trying to cover it up.
Thanks for the support. It is hard sometimes. I just really wish it would go away. It is so hard to explain how it makes me feel.
Chezz
I just want to be healthy again. To do all of the things that I haven't been able to because of this. The medicine isn't going to do that.
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This is an interesting question...and in an attempt to answer I am in a sense doing this to cleanse myself. I started using (in a sense) when I was 12. I knew where my dad kept his "bottle" and for whatever reason I sat down in that corner that Saturday night, took a couple of sips of the liquid and felt the warmness seeping through my body (I'll never forget it) and thought "I want to feel like this for the rest of my life", hence the alcoholic gene took control over yet another victim.  Off and on during my high school years, I never turned down an invitation to drink, and although I experimented with pills I never had a problem with them (darvocet and then vics) until the last 10 years; my main thing was with alcohol.  At this time, I've cut back on the vicodin from 8-10 a day to 4-5 - and tonight, for the first time in a long time, I've had only 1 shot instead of the 2 or 3 or 4.  I still wonder: Is it 1) heriditary  2) peer pressure or 3)god...who knows?  I'm still confused as I've always been.  BUT---for the first time in years, I'm actually trying to cut back, even though I'm scared to death.  Also, an aside to hippy....you made me boo-hoo and cry because of your post on MJ...I'm usually not so sensitive, but maybe it was the state I was in at the time (when it involves your kids you always are sensitive)---maybe I just needed a good cry...no hard feelings...(even tho' I think it was a bone-head post!)...smile...it's OK hippy - you can fire back;promise I won't cry!!!  :)
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now that i've relapsed
i decided that it wasn't peer pressure that started me usin drugs.  it's because
it was damn good and still is.  and thats my responsbility
if this is wroong, i don' t want to be right.  I JUST COULDN'T FIGHT THE CALL ANY LONGER.
all roads lead to dead.  
everything else is fake.  there a  lot of fake people on this forum.
i know there's other people doing drugs and lying about it,
typing away.
i got a warm happy feeling in my bones, waves of goodness
and I"M HAPPY, i know i'll just keep going to meetings and deny this again and again.
damn my tolerance dropped i have such a perfect buzz
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i can really see how i've been a little uppity
in some of my posts.  i was hiding from myself,
i just needed to feel like i knew what was going on
and had a handle on everything. i've been up all night
and i just wanted to say i'm sorry and i need to be more sensitive. i shouldn't jump on people, cause no one wants
to feel like they have to walk around on eggshells or be
carful about the kind of things they say here
YOU DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO ASK QUESTIONS AND NOT BE RIDICULED
and so does everyone else

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New here. I had back surgery a year ago and have been on several different narcotic pain meds ever since.
Had a steady supply of hydrocodone but the doc cut me off last week. Said he could get in trouble with the DEA if he kept refilling the hydro. I became very depressed and lost intrest in doing anything. I still have pain but not enough to justify taking a stong narc. I practicly begged him to not cut me off. He prescribed me some Ultram, told me these were safe for long term use.
I have to admit I do like the way the hydro makes me feel. With them I could do things like I used to before the back pain.
If I am honest with myself I would have to say I like them too much and probably should be thankful that the doc did cut me off. But I'm not. I want more , I want to feel good again and the Ultram does not give me that gooooood feeling!!!
I just stumbled across this forum. I don't know whatI expect from talking to all of you. Perhaps I just need people to relate to. I don't want to admitt I am addict. Is there such a thing as being dependent on a drug and not being addicted to it? I feel like I have lost a loved one. I am that depressed.
Craze
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Craze, you might want to post your post a little higher up.  Some good advice might be missed because not all of us look at posts that are this far down.  

I know what you are feeling right now and its tough.  Narcotic pain relievers make some of us feel like we can tackle the world.  We can accomplish things that are hard when we are drug free.  We have the energy that we don't normally have when we are taking the pills.  When I was still taking the pills I would clean things in my house that were already clean.  I'm on day 25 or 26 clean now.  I don't have THAT energy anymore and boy do I want it.  As far as someone being dependent and not addicted. I'm not sure about that.  Alot of our addiction is mental as well as physical.  If you find yourself thinking about the pills or searching your house for pills you might have forgotten about, I would admit to myself that yes, I am addicted, especially if you find yourself taking the pills when you aren't really in enough pain to warrant taking them or taking more than was prescribed.  

Its hard, this is my third time coming clean in over a year due to surgery for protrusion of the lumbar and disk degeneration.  I would pop the pills even if I wasn't in enough pain to need them.  I would watch the clock when it was almost four hours since my last dose. But, I made a conscious decision to give them up and everyday I am tempted to call in my refill.  If it wasn't for this forum and me being reminded of how bad the withdrawal symptoms have been, I might be taking the pills right now.

Just know that everyone here knows what you are going through.  Everyone here is non judgemental and so kind in sharing their stories and advice on this terrible addiction.  We didn't become addicts by choice. We have been and still are in pain.  

I didn't try this, but there is a recipe that will help you with the withdrawals if they are really bad.  Thomas has posted it here in the last few days and people that have taken the recipe say it helps them.  
I know my post hasn't helped much,  but we all know how you feel.  Its really hard to quit when you don't WANT to.  When one doctor says no, we usually find a doctor that says yes.  Its a vicious cycle and the longer we indulge in our addiction, the harder it is down the road to recover.
Hugs to you
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