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why is this happening?

I want to be clean more than anything.  So i don't understand why i just dont quit.  I thought i was really going to quit yesterday... i say i am quiting but i can't even though i really want to.  The day i'm going to quit my boyfriend brings up the fact that his "dealer" is bringing up a ball.... and i can do it too.  Oh great it was free coke how could i turn that down.  I couldnt i've been doing it for two days now. I have a now hook up for it now too.  Oh great.  How do you deal with these things.  What are somethings that can help me say no... help me not call him for more because it has crossed my mind several times already.  Just the thing i need to get back into right now..right? well anyway if you have any suggestions on thigs i can do that will help me please help.  I gotta move away or something get away from this stuff... but i'd probably find it all again.. what in the world IS WRONG WITH ME..I'm such a loser i keep crying over my own stupidity i can stop myself i know it i'm just too dumb i'm sure.  I'm sorry i keep typing every thought in my head.. Its more real that.
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10 Comments Post a Comment
Avatar f tn
I lurk these boards frequently and just came across your post- I wanted to tell you a few things-
First do I ever know where you are coming from and I feel for you in every sense of the phrase "feel for you"...
Ive been there so many times and felt the exact same as you. I COUDLNT say  NO. I just couldnt do it. And I hated myself for it. I really did.
Especially when in a few days you end up with NO DRUGS, with NO MONEY, feeling like total *&^%, and wishing you would have listenened to yourself FOR ONCE and NOT went and BOUGHT MORE....
The bad thing is, that even though I can say I feel for you and it *****, I cant say anything thats going to change it. Its a vicious cycle that you have to change, and you arent going to be able to change when you are on the drugs now. Its almost impossible to say NO when you ARENT on the coke, when you already ARE ON IT-- its really bad/really impossible. I cant imagine saying anything that will talk you out of going out and getting more if you can get it.
I  went thru this for quite a few years- i havent seen cocaine for 4 years now. Its possible- but its hard as hell.
First off, you have to get away from the people- you just have to. Thats where I started and that made all the difference in the world. I divorced my husband, I had to.
I also had to hit a rock bottom (which included car wrecks, lost jobs, etc), before I finally threw in the towel...
I dont know what else to say, i just wanted to say that i read your post, I feel for you, I wish I could say something that would help you right now, but I know better.
Just be careful as hell for the nxt few days, k?
Good luck, and more.
498385 tn?1362453004
You are not a loser you have an addiction to drugs I too was addicted to coke and it ended up with me living on the streets for almost 2 yrs. I now have 7 months clean. First things first do you admit you have a problem, then what I did was reach out for help I went to a recovery house, then started going to AA and Na. I prayed a heck of alot and asked God who I had no concept of to remove the obsession.Today I have a God of my own understanding.I just kept in minutes at first to stay clean. I had to change EVERYTHING! And I mean everything!!!. .I kept going back out cause I wouldn't surrender to the fact that I was powerless over my addiction. I thought after I got clean for a while I could control my drug usage, even though all my whole addiction proved otherwise, I have a disease that tells me that I don;t have a disease so once I felt better I went out again,boy was it ever hell,I didn;t know that my disease was doing push ups in my body when I stayed clean, I have a disease that is progressive meaning that it is always growing. I wrote out the lasr 90 days of my life so when I detoxed again and when that thing in between my ears told me I could use again it really wasn't that bad, I read my last 90 day and was like oh ya....So I went back jto the programs of AA and NA thank god and started doing the suggestions of the program by others who had walked this path of sobriety before me and started living in the now , one day at a time and low and behold the promises that they said would come true started too. I am not going to tell you that it was easy at all times.Accepting life on life's terms was hard for me,since I had covered up growing up for 25 yrs,They say your brain stays where it was when you started using,So my mind was like a 10 to 13 yr old in a 33 yr old womans body,It has taken me  2yrs to get 7 months clean,boy I wish I would of taken those suggestions earlier from those people who knew what they were talking about!!!I will tell you today tho that I am accountable, responsible, happy , joyous and free.Word that didn't fit into my vocabulary when I first walked throught the doors of a AA and NA.
451343 tn?1256254431
i totally agree with every word of  j34's post. there is magic in numbers and when i am in are room full of other addicts, i gain their experiece strength and hope. the best medicine in my opinion is one addict relating to another. DO YOU HAVE NA OR AA IN YOUR AREA? that is a wonderful place to start. there is a saying in the program that has help me so ill pass it on,

"When your desire to stay clean is stronger that your desire to remain loaded then and only then will you get and stay clean"

im sure i paraphrased but you get the point right. best of luck to ya, god bless christina
Avatar f tn
I want to also go with j34- You need to stop thinking of yourself as a "loser"- A "loser' you ARE NOT...

You are HERE, asking for help and admitting that you have a huge problem,Which is a huge step for anyone.I know I wouldnt have ever even done that. I just tried to pretend like I was "young and deserved to party"... Which is just insane, considering what I was doing.

Because of my "young and deserving to party" attitude, ive ended up with PERMANENT DISABILITIES- I was in two car wrecks in less than one year, and broke my back in 3 places and both of my legs. I can walk, by complete chance of God. Im in pain every single day.  Not fun, not what I was looking for when I thought I deserved to party...
I exactly did the same thing "J" did which is felt hugely sorry for myself and hugely sorry for what I was doing when I would come down, and THEN AS SOON AS i felt better, I was out there again. Its not fun.

You may benefit from NA.. I know of a lot of people that wouldnt be here today w/o it. I didnt go that route. I just completely got myself away from the people (like I said earlier, even to the point where I got a divorce)..
I was clean for 3 years before I  relapsed in 2004 after my son died (needed a heart transplant and couldnt get one, he was an infant)....Now Ive been clean for going on 5.
Ive often blamed myself and what I acted like when I was doing coke and drinking for the loss of my son.  I didnt deserve him, etc....
SO many bad things can happen when you are at the point you are at!

I know it will be very hard for you  to distance yourself because the people that enable you are your closest friends/boyfriend, but unless your boyfriend goes clean too, I dont see how you can pull it off, girl! I wish I could sound more positive, but I just dont know if its possible to get clean when you are surrounded by it all of the time.

If you are anything like me, theres NO WAY that if someone showed up throwing around the powder that you can say "NO"... So.. I really think your first step is going to HAVE to be to get away from the friends, atleast for quite awhile. You know, they arent always going to be doing this either. Somewhere, somethings going to give. No one can live like that forever.

Is it possible that they want to quit too? Maybe you guys should form some kind of pact, and go to counseling together!??  

I dont know girl. I wish I could be of more help. I know bad things happen when you live like that, and it seems like it cant because you are young, but it DOES> Believe me!

I QUIT TOOOO LATE.. dont let that happen to you!

Trust me, try to get them help too, or distance yourself from them. You can do it!
Can you just imagine what you would feel like a month from now, and then 6 months from now, if you could say "Ive been clean for blah blah days"... Its a feeling better than drugs, I promise.... Hard to believe I KNOW- but its true.

Good luck- and like I said Before....Be careful the nxt few days...

736475 tn?1281262927
i died 3 times from shooting coke. when they brought me back, guess what? i wanted more. i think you should consider a long term rehab. i am still fighting with pain pills but i leave coke alone now. coke is the worst as far as i am concerned. i wish you  the best.   sway
Avatar m tn
I posted to you the other day and i told you that if you really want to quit then you will get some help. If your boyfriend is bringing it to you and your around it a lot, YOU WILL NOT QUIT!!! Now you have a hook up. The mental power of coke will make you physically sick for it, when i saw it my nose twitched and it was beyond an obsession. There were a few times i was on my knees with terrible chest pains and shaking so bad, but 5 minutes later i was sniffing more lines. I prayed for death at the end of my use and it almost came true. You do not want to overdose on this drug like i did, it's rare but it does happen. Don't wait till that happens, it's very painful and you might not live. In the meantime it will eat at your nose and make a hole in it, it will make your heart bigger and damage your nervous system. It will make you depressed, steal your life, family friends, money and leave you with nothing. i was one of the lucky ones that got out. This is no joke and you need to do some serious soul searching, coke will take you down so fast. i am here if you need to talk.
495284 tn?1333897642
You are not a are worthwhile and important.  The above posters spoke to you with brutal honesty.  I hope you read and then reread what they have written.  The message is loud and clear.....They all know what they are talking about.  Its up to you now.......I hope you take the first step.............sara
Avatar f tn
rastap its impossible to get clean on your own
try na
never alone
750852 tn?1254237867
I am going to an NA meeting tomorrow with a friend who hates this life as much as i do.  Thank you guys so much you really helped me out.. you scared me but i know what you said was true thanks a bunch

- RastaP
Avatar f tn
Hi Rasta! I was hoping you would come back soon...
Hope you arent feeling too bad from the weekend!
Its GREAT that you have a friend thats ready to stop, too. And whose going to NA with you. That could really make all the difference in the world... I think you'll do a lot better knowing that you arent the only one who realizes that the way you're living is NOT working out...
I think you guys will be surprised tomorrow when you see how much things like NA can help you when you are ready to change things. And I think you'll also be surprised at how interesting you will probably find that meeting to be...
Anyway-- good luck again!
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