why me?

[Ken , day two]

Why is this do damn hard? Its only the second day and I wanna use.I finally went to see a DOCTOR,and he wasnt very sympathic to say the least.He gave me a shot ,10 xanax and sent me on my way.Hes been our family doctor for over 30 years.I hoped he would understand.But he chewed me a new ******* and said to get into rehab. All I asked for was some catapres or clonidine, to help me get through these next couple days.I am trying very hard not to pick up! I'm home all alone and there is nothing to stop me.God help me.Ken

[Al to Michael]

Why not go to rehab? If its because you don't have insurance, there are quite a few places that are state paid. That what i'm doing. I go for an evaluation tomorrow. I;m not wanting to but it will be better than doing it alone.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Hang in there man! Whatever you do. DO NOT USE today. Tell yourself that you can get through today without them. I usually tell myself that if I get through today then I will use tommorow. Then when tommorow comes...Do the same thing. Let me tell you something. I haven't used anything in like 17 days. I woke up this morning with the strongest urge I have ever had. I don't know when the desire to stop using will go away. I wish I could tell you it will get better. The physicial stuff lasted for about five days for me but everyone is different. The hard part is not using once the **** is out of your system. Try to remember why you wanted to stop in the first place. Maybe, that will help. Good luck, but I think you will be able to do it. How long are we going to let this **** control us? We ARE men, aren't we?    Chad

[Ken , day two]

Thanks guys, I’m so glad to get a response from you. I am having a hard time not making that phone call or trip to the dealers' house. I do have a vicodin on hand incase it gets to bad. But I don’t want to have to use it. So please try to keep me busy here. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow; then court on Friday. So if I don’t make it through the weekend, then I go inpatient. I did take a Xanax to help me relax .But it don’t stop the crave, and I don’t mean for White Castles. So I will keep checking back in for any replies. Thanks again for being there, Ken

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Listen, I am going through the same thing. I am trying my hardest but it is very tough. I wish there was something I could say to help. I bet that your every thought is consumed by this ****. Wouldn't it be nice to go through life not having to think about drugs every five minutes? I know that personally, there is good days and bad. For the most part, it seems that sitting around makes things worse. Just get through today and you WILL feel better tomorrow. To hell with the dealer! Aren't you sick of having to chase this ****? I bet you are so fed up you could just scream. It's only up to you....chad

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,

Go see a new doctor tomorrow. Your family doctor is a jerk. 9 out of 10 doctors will give you the meds to ease the withdrawl symptoms.
Honestly I am telling you the truth.
He should have helped you and he sent you out the door.
Hang in there buddy.

[Ken , day two]

I am hurtin right now, but I have to keep writing. I keep telling myself as long as the replies keep coming in I wont make that call.It keeps me motivated and I'm very thankful to you all. I know thats not fair to you but it works for me for the time being.When they do stop I will just have to find another reason.I cant stand this feeling though. It feels like little electrical tremors keep running thru my body.And I am just about to run out of T.P. ha ha. But i got the immodian and I'm gonna take another Xanax soon to stop the damn legs from dancin,( doin the codine kick) and my mind from gettin that stinkin thinkin.So I will be here as long as I can stay upright,and I'll check back soon.By the way thanks ronnieg, I have read other posts from you on other forums.(frIckin legs!)

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

I know EXCATLY how you feel! Hang the hell in there! You will make it if you keep trying. I took so many xanax to help me through the stage you are dealing with. It helped me. I'll tell you what, the ONLY thing that helped me, was reading this bord! If you want I could e-mail you, let me know. How much and what were you using? I don't know as much as people like TOM but I might be able to help as far as support. Hopefully, he will get on, cause he knows his ****. Talk soon, chad

[Ken , day two]

Chad, I've done it all.  I started out taking vicodin about two years ago. They were prescribed to me for an operation on my wrist And I liked the way they made me feel,not to mention how I could perform in bed. I was newly single and f-ckin everything in sight. Plus I could do twice as much work as I used to.So when the doc finally cut me off after 7 mos. it sucked, to say the least.So I found other docs. plus I'd get them from other people.They were my superman pills.Then I found a little thing called oxycontin.WOO HOO! I could take one and it would last me all day long.Then two ,and so on.So after about two years of that **** I was pretty well hooked.Now,I need two oxy or 4 lortab just to get out of bed.Then,I can force myself to go to work.But I have cut down considerably, from 5 or 6 oxy a day to two or4 lortab.Now its none. And I feel like ****.So,I'm hopin this will go away soon. Cause yes I am tired of chasing these damn pills around.

[Ken , day two]

Sure chad,I dont mind if you e-mail me or IM me, at ***@**** or my alter ego is ***@****

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,

Have you been to the other site I have mentioned. Those folks will help you day and night..no bs..

Just highlight this site I am about to give you and copy it to your browser.

http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=2&SUBMIT=Go

or maybe if I have typed this correctly below..just click on the link

<a href="http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?">http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=2&SUBMIT=Go</a>

Hang in there Ken!

Ronnieg

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,
When you click on the site...it will ask you to specify a forum to go to..just scroll down to addiction and you are there!

[Ronnieg to Ken]

or try this
<a href="http://www.go.com/?win=_search&sv=M6&qt=oxycontin&oq=&url=http%3A//www.medhelp.org/forums/addiction/messages/30123a.html&;ti=Oxycontin+Withdrawal+Symptoms+-+Can+anyone+help+or+recommend...&top="><a href="<a/>

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,
I messed it up the second time. Just go back two messages and click on the link and it will ask you to choose a forum..find addiction and you will get all the help you need.
Hang in there.

Ronnieg

[Angie to Ken]

I'm really hurting for you as you go through the intense withdrawls. All you want is for time to go by FAST so you can put your time in and start feeling human again. I especially hate those leg kicks. I think I loosened the arm on my couch from getting so aggravated that I kicked the hell out of it. What a great memory, right? Did you say that you have done this so many times before? Although I've only gone through one very intense withdrawl in March I know that temptation could very easily lead me back. When you think about the pain your going through now, why would we ever choose to go through it again. Well on a lighter note..I had to respond to your post cause I laughed right out loud when I read your alter ego e-mail address. I can't tell you the last time I justlaughed aloud by myself. So thank you for that. You really need to close the doors to your sources. If you get scripts, notify your drs. If you have dealers you have to sever the tie. Let your friends in and help support you. Please hang in there and keep us posted!! We are all pulling for you.

[Brian to Sick and Scared § ALL you guys]

I know exactly what you are going through having been there at least 15 or more times. The best thing to know is YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.  People who have never been through this hell can't understand.  You feel like you will never feel normal and this **** is endless.  It isn't.  After another few days you will start feeling better.  Then the tough psychological part starts.  I always found the physical worse, but was usually able to treat with proper medication.  Please see an addiction specialist.  They can treat you with the medication necessary to minimize withdrawal symptoms.  See if they use buprenorphine, which, IMO is the very best medication to treat opiate withdrawal.  If you want to know more about buprenorphine, post.  They are also much more understanding about what you are going through because they are trained to understand and they deal with this on a daily basis.  Also, I am not a preachy NA person but statistically you have a much greater chance of staying clean if you are in some sort of group program.  I resisted this for years but eventually found some real support there which has been crucial in my recovery.

[Angie to Ken]

I'm glad you have support form your girlfriend. Did you take the Imodium (immodium)? I always preferred Lomotil but it's a script. Maybe you can call your Dr? What is it you do for a living again? Don't worry about the wine except that could increase the runs. I can't drink because it makes me physically sick before I get any kind of good feeling. See, I thought I had it made when I found out that pills could do the job better than alcohol and there was no odor! I had to learn the hard way like everybody else. But if there was ever a time I wished I could drink it was during the withdrawl. I remember one guy told me thats how he got through it, by drinking constantly for several days. Hey, I'm not trying to give you any ideas especially if you don't want to trade in one addiction for another. Remember the third day is when the symptons reach their peak so it will gradually start to ease up somewhat. Count your blessings that you got any sleep already. I went for 7 straight days without one wink. Talk about wanting to crawl under a rock! I was one MISERABLE mess. Well Ken, please hang in there it will get better.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Thanks guys, you dont know how much it means to me to hear from someone.Yes, I did post in that other forum today, but Now I cant find it. I replied to ssuuzziq, and I started another, but they didn't show up yet. I either did something wrong or they take awhile to post them.But I was there and it is another good place to get input on addiction. I dont know what I would do if I had to sit here with nothing to keep my mind on staying off these damn drugs.I have to go to see my therapist, but I will check back around 8 pm tonight .

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Hang on buddy, this too shall pass!  I know what you are going through.  When I was running out of morphine and money, I pretty well saw the writing on the wall.  I was kicking so hard that me and the matress ended up on the floor and we stayed there for three days.  Hot-cold-hot cold for hours and always sweating. My own smell was driving me crazy. Then the frenzied searches for the missing pill that never was there. Music and television were unbearable. Only the thought of getting one more hit stayed in my mind to the point of insanity. It's as close to hell as you'll ever get without dying. Plus, all the pain that I hadn't been feeling for many months suddenly started to come back and visit me. My bowels started working overtime to make up for lost time. My body was starting to come back to real life again and thank God I made it! Just typing all these words are helping me stay clean today. Thanks for listening! J.B.

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,

I looked for your post in the other site but couldn't find it either. WHat name do you go by in there?

SuuzziiQ is really struggling with taking 100 vicoden every three days. She needs help fast and is seeking it thank goodness.

Anyway hang in there the day is almost over. Hopefully you can get some sleep tonight.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Man oh man do you describe it to a tee. I think I ran a marathon in the bed.And another one to the bathroom.I did go see my therapist tonight,and told her about my addiction to pills.Ive been seeing her for other reasons.What a relief to let her know what I have been doing.I have kept it a secret for fear of her telling da judge. But she has no intention of doing such a thing.I guess it pays to be honest,and it feels good to.So now I have some professional help.Ronnieg, I do know about suzy, and will pray for her. And just to let you in on a little secret,there are people who can and do get that many drugs from a pharamacy with out getting caught.If you read the post by Domino I can confirm it, she is my girlfriend.So believe people do consume over 50 to 60 a day without dying or getting caught.So I will be here until I pass out from the xanax.Woo Hoo ,to bad I only got 6 left,I could get to like those too.(what an addict huh)

[Angie to Ken]

I'm glad that you find some relief coming to this post. I just read J B's post and could absolutely relate to the frenzied search for that one pill that wasn't there. In the beginning, when I wasn't taking 30 pills a day I would get my 120 vicodin and hide various amounts throughout the house. It was kind of like a game finding a bunch when I was running low. It was a high in itself. As time passed I was taking so many there was no sense in hiding them cause I needed them so much sooner. But when I detoxed I always went on the "search". One time I remember finding 12 in an earring box in my drawer. I was over the initial withdrawl but was still mentally down and out. I practically did cartwheels. It was like winning the lottery. My whole attitude changed. I was ecstatic, elated and ready to take on the world. See I've always wondered what percentage of the addiction was mental.Here I was a totally different person within a matter of seconds without actually taking a pill. Of course I did take them but already felt like I was high beforehand. I would also get that same feeling after receivivg confirmation from the drugstore that the dr did call in a refill. My attitude would do a complete 360 degree change. That has always made me wonder...if your mind is that powerful why can't I get that same feeling from something that is GOOD FOR ME! I have recently started to go back to church hoping that would produce some positive results. I always felt like doing everything and anything under the spell of the drugs. Now everything is such an effort like I have to force myself. The other thing that bothers me is the dreams. I still dream about copping pills. I usually feel disappointed when I wake up and it was just a dream. The dreams are always good never about getting into trouble. I suppose this too shall pass. This is how much it has been ingrained into my concious and subconcious. I don't even share that with my friends or family members, how could they possibly understand. I am still amazed of the power and stronghold this disease has over us! Keep posting, Ken, I am pulling for you.

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Thanks Angie,its so funny to hear all of our stories and any one of us could have written any one of them. I loved that feeling the last time I left the doctors office and he upped my script from 60 to 100 pills. If he could have seen me doing those cartwheels in the parking lot he would have cut me off right there.And then a week later when I told him I dropped the whole bottel in the toilet and he refilled them.Tell me any one of us could relate.But now I have one more obstacle to face besides this addiction.I get to go to court tomorrow for sentencing on a posession charge. And I have to do it straight. I picked the wrong day to quit opiates! Well if I go to jail at least I will not relapse.Thanks for being there for me and everyone else who just reads these post. You people are sent from heaven. Ken

[lori to Chad and Ken]

Chad I'm so happy for ypu - you sound good and very right on with Ken.  You can do it Chad 1 hour at a time hon. Proud of ya. Ken you are in my prayers - please check into a rehab if it gets too tough. Don't go back your will to get better is much more powerful than a pill - JUST DON'T USE. Good luck in court.

[tom to Angie]

I know what you mean about feeling elated after discovering vics. During my past life as an rx telephone forger, I would ride over to the pharmacy on my motorcycle, go through 60 seconds of terror picking up the vics, then roar off literally wooping in my helmut in triumph and joy. I really loved those fast, short rides home, knowing I'd be floating in hydrocodone in a few minutes. "Beating" the system exilerated me and fueled my arrogance. Using is all about controlling your inner world. Feeling like I controlled the system and could make it cough up vicodin anywhere, anytime, in whatever flavor I wanted (let's see, I think I'll have a little anexia-d today, no, let's go for some Zydone instead -- I feel like some capsules") was great. I will not lie to you. It's amazing how emotionally involved we get with these pills.

[tom to Ken]

You can ease the leg cramps by taking as many hot baths as you have hot water. Take short, hot-as-you-can-stand-it dips, a ten-minute soak every hour if you can manage it. It's the only thing besides narcs that will help that symptom. A heating pad between your thighs also can help, but it's not nearly as effective as the hot baths or, ideally, a jacuzzi. If you time the baths to sync with your xanax, you can get some pretty effective relief. If you're still into the runs, I would use 2 Imodium (immodium) at the very first twinge, every single time til the symptom goes away. Dont wait til your having them. Also, if you've been having the runs for a while, you must drink a lot of water to avoid dehydration. That, in itself will leave you feeling pretty bad. Good luck. I've done it about 50 times over 21 years of rx narcotic addiction. Fun, huh?

[Ken,day three]

I just lost another long post because of AOL, so I’m typing in Word. Its day three and I never usually make it past this. So I don’t have any money in the house, (like that’s ever stopped me before) and my girlfriend hid the one vicodin I do have. I had Two glasses of wine to help me with relaxing last night,( don’t preach, I know it was wrong) and I did get some sleep for a couple of hours. I haven’t made it past three days before , so this is the big test. Usually this is where I get tired of feeling like **** and I crumble. I feel so damn lethargic and helpless; I just want it to go away. Thanks Ronnieg, I will go to that other site today. My girlfriend posts there ( domino ) and I just kind of read a lot of other peoples posts. I will check in here all day, as I have nothing else to do. Except crossword puzzles in the reading room. As Cornholio would say ,I  need TP for my bunghole. So see yall later. Thanks KEN

[Ken,on day three]

I just lost another long post because of AOL, so I’m typing in Word. Its day three and I never usually make it past this. So I don’t have any money in the house, (like that’s ever stopped me before) and my girlfriend hid the one vicodin I do have. I had Two glasses of wine to help me with relaxing last night,( don’t preach, I know it was wrong) and I did get some sleep for a couple of hours. I haven’t made it past three days before , so this is the big test. Usually this is where I get tired of feeling like **** and I crumble. I feel so damn lethargic and helpless; I just want it to go away. Thanks Ronnieg, I will go to that other site today. My girlfriend posts there ( domino ) and I just kind of read a lot of other peoples posts. I will check in here all day, as I have nothing else to do. Except crossword puzzles in the reading room. As Cornholio would say ,I  need TP for my bunghole. So see yall later. Thanks KEN

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Is any out there today? I've been here all day and I only see my own posts.Im sorry! I guess Im just depressed and need someone to talk to about this damn addiction. I just feel so shitty and alone right now.Maybe you are all at work or something.Its only 4:05 in the afternoon I'll check back later.

[Ronnieg to Ken]

Ken,

Hang in there. Just take it one hour at a time if you can.
This would be a huge accomplishment for you to make it past day 3.
Each and everyday after this one should get a littl easier physically.
Did you post any at the site I gave you?
I have found that site to me more effective in getting feedback quickly.
The forum here usually is slow and not much in the day.
Are you doing any better?

[Angie to Ken]

It' funny the memories that the addiction conjure up. Tom, I also called in a few over the phone. I was also scared to death to go pick up but not scared enough. It worked several times, thank God I never got caught doing that. I hear that the detectives wait until you purchase them and then approach you either in the store or parking lot. Another one of my favorites was marking the refill slot on the written script with the number 5. My dr would sometimes leave it blank. I remember being on vacation and asking the pharmacist at home to transfer a refill to the local pharmacy where I was staying. He said that he would but that I would lose the other 4 refills due to the transfer. I said ok after all I needed them. Upon returning home I realized my pharmacist forgot to remove them off of his record so I got to get all my refills anyway. KEN---What kind of charges are you up for? If this is your first offense, you should be eligible for pre-trial intervention. Good Luck! TOM--I am staying at my job as my boss approached me stating that they really need me to stay on. Take care!

[ken to ronnieg and angie]

Day four, and getting a little better. I still have the urge, but I feel a little better.I went to court this morning, and got probation,$1500.00 fine ,100 hours comunity service and NA/AA two times a week. Not bad for the severity of the charges. I was charged with possesion of narcotics and DWLS ,(driving on suspended license).I will be tested for drugs and alcohol, so you dont always get what you want but you get what you need.I am going away for the weekend so I will not post any more after tonight.But I will be here all day today. Thank you all, Ken

[Mike P. to Ken]

Between your love for opiates, your offhand Beavis remarks and your penchant for quoting the Rolling Stones, we may just be related. Oh Keith - that ever present romantic image of using. Keep up the good work Ken, you are an inspiration to many of us. In a way, the drug testing is going to be a blessing in disguise really. Not only do you want to quit, you have to. Sometimes, that's what it takes. Take care. Don't listen to Exile for awhile though.:) - Mike P.

[Billy]

Hey man I know how you feel. I have been clean for over 2 years
now. Just remember life will be so much better. A bit of pain now
will turn into alot of joy later.

[Joan C]

I've read all your storiesand find I have to get this off my chest.  I recently went to my primary care physician and you know how they send you in another office until the doctor can get to you?  Well while I was waiting I looked through the doctor's drawer and lol and behold quess what I found.  Yes, I found a variety of pain meds and cough syrup and took them.  I am not proud of what I did.  I feel so bad, plus he dosn't believe in giving out pain pills but for some reason dosn't mind giving out fiornal with codiene, which he gave me with a refill.  I am so scared that he will find out I took the medicine not to mention that I now realize how hooked I am.  I need help, I know I do.  I am so sorry.

[Angie to Ken]

I can probably guess what you're feeling from my own experience. When you discovered the "jackpot" you probably got such a rush. That feeling becomes overshadowed with guilt and shame. Kind of feels like your going to be sick to your stomach at the thought of being caught. Let alone the fact that you may be discovering that you are an addict for the first time. Before you go and beat yourself up you must remember that the real you would never have thought of stealing,but the addict in you could not pass up the opportunity. We do things we would never dream of before all in the name of that FEELING. Let this be the worst thing that you ever do. Seek help now as this is a progressive disease and the things we do to obtain just become more immoral and illegal. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about this? This probably seems pretty scary right now but you have already made a great step in coming here and "confessing" so to speak. I hope to hear from you...Take care.

[tom to Angie and Joan]

you two sound like girls after my own heart -- except that I never felt guilty about taking drugs I "found." My favorite situation was to open a medicine cabinet in a friend or relative's home and discover a bottle of pain meds dated, say, a full year or more ago with barely any having been used. I would rationalize taking half of them because 1) they weren't using them anymore, 2) the pills were just going to get old and have to be thrown out, and 3) I was leaving enough in the bottle so that they could resume taking them and have plenty of time to get more from the doctor. This way, I could use the drugs without guilt. I would force myself to ignore the medicine cabinet when I knew the person was using them, because I knew I'd be tempted to steal them anyway and didn't want to be responsible for someone remaining in pain (how noble of me). I had never stolen anything in my life (or since) until I met Mr. Opiate. Suddenly, a whole new ethic took over. If they were from a doctor's free samples, that was even better.
In your instance, Joan, if your doctor's staff had been staging patients in that office all day long, how would they know it was you? It sounds like one of those nice rx ratholes where lots of stuff is tossed over a period of time. (You didn't take all of them , did you? That would definately blow it.) If you feel bad about it, then don't do it again. But why bring it all down on yourself by confessing? Save it for an amends when you're working the steps. How's that for hardcore addict rationalization?!

[Biff to Chad]

Chad how are you and the ol lady getting on. Been sticking it in? Did little Chad come back to life yet or ar you still sitting to pee? Hope ya made it man. That's one of the worst parts ya know? Get stoking and back to pokin bro! Don't start using that thing it's gonna fall off. Rooting for ya man. One of the best things about getting clean is looking at your queen in a way you haven't in a long time and getting a big woody.No disrespect meant. It's beatiful man. Get it on ! Do your manly duty.

[loanne]

what i felt most guilty about was not how i got my percs, (bought em on the street,  a few different sources), but the money i was spending was ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!blowing the checking account straight to hell.  one more thing to be grateful for.  no more of that, a day at a time.

[Dee]

Can I ask you a question?? If they didnt' cost you any money
and didn't affect you finacially would you have stopped using?
honestly....

[mike hunt]

get back on the stuff you know u like it

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Ha,ha,ha! Good advice to all, Mike.

Be nice! Peter Gozinnia