How do I approch wife (nurse) addicted to opiates

[tift104]

My wife has been a nurse for almost 15 years.  3 years ago there was a problem with some missing meds at the hospital where she worked (she was an ICU nurse). One of her coworkers took the blame and she transferred to another position which lasted for 6 months til she decided to quit and go back to school for NP. The schooling lasted for about 1 year until she had to get a part time job plus go to school. She jumped from part time job to part time job over the next year and was still taking the occasional class until a nursing home offered her a full time job but no benefits.  School was put on pause since she was full time often putting in 80hr/week.  This lasted for about 6 to 8 months until she was having problems with her new boss and she quit. While she was working for the nursing home I began to notice extreme mood swings, when home she'd be wide open until she sat down then she was asleep.  I just chalked it up to the long hours she was working.  
  Since quitting the nursing home she has gotten a job at a urologist office.  Now we are having problems getting along with some of the admin there.  
   She is constantly taking  prescribed Xanax for anxiety and ultram for her suspected back trouble. I was recently told that she was getting pills from one of her coworkers at her first job at the hospital and was taking some of the meds from the med closet in the ICU.  She supposedly got a Dr. to give her some Rx so she could pass a urine test for one of her part time jobs. Her mother (not sure of her sanity) recently called me saying she was taking her grandmothers pain meds.  A very close family friend just told me she took 20 pain pills from her 13 yr old son who was just involved in a atv accident.  
  I have no doubt in my mind that she has a problem but I have no solid evidence to approach her with.  Her mother is about to drive me nuts to confront her.  Where do I start?  Sorry for the long post but thought you'd need a little back story.  

[Mad_Mom]

Denial is the biggest step to overcome, an addict wont admit to having a problem until they think they need help, and while as loved ones we can all see they need help, they dont usually see it that way. All I can say is good luck, and dont let her make you feel wrong, ask, dont accuse, and dont let your feelings be hurt if you are called names and belittled, denial is hard to work through for both the addicts and the family affected by them.

[Julia M Aharonov, DO]

I always feel at a loss when I get question like these, because just like you in this situation, I feel helpless. There is not much you nor I can do to help someone who is not willing to be helped. Your love will NOT save her. You have to look inside yourself and see if you are willing to stay in this relationship the way it is now, not the way you think it may be someday. If you are not, get out and tell her why. People get hooked on drugs for many different reasons - childhood trauma, depression, anxiety. But there are always better ways to deal with those issues. Drugs are always an escape and an excuse.
In my clinic we see patients who got hooked on opiates for all sorts of different reasons, but it is possible to detox and get their lives together, however only when it is the patient's decision and commitment.  Without such dedication no treatment will work.  
I wish you all the luck in the world. You will need emotion strength to get through whatever it is ahead of you. Tell your wife that you are there for her, but she needs to work out her issues or they will catch up with her.  She  will loose job after job and will find a myriad of excuses that have nothing to do with her. It is never the addict's fault, ever. The drugs take over what used to be their character and the essence of their being.  Ask yourself if you are still living with your wife, or what the drugs made her.  Impress on her that you want her back, but without the excuses and lies. Sometimes it takes facing a loved one telling you the truth, sometime it takes losing that loved one, to realize what is truly important.
I welcome her questions should she have any. She can read my blogs by clicking on my name in blue and taking it from there.
Sorry about the tough love.

Dr. Julia

[MJH3]

So sorry! You know she has to be ready & willing 2 admit & then make the next step.  I told my hubby yesterday & it went so well. Plz keep your eye on her & give her lots of support & love. I'm scared to death right now myself bc I'm on day 3 of w/ drawl & I'm worried about being called out for dr. Shopping. I went 2 a few doctors (2 different doc in box) at the beginning of this year for cough syrup. Now my GP has cut me off w/ out communication & I'm so scared that he has turned me in & I don't know what to do. Anyway-thinking good thoughts for you

[tift104]

But if I jump the gun and approach her unprepared our marital situation will take a turn for the worse.

[tift104]

I've brought up the subject on several occasions and she tends to get defensive.   We got into a huge argument not too long ago. I was questioning her about some suspicious activity when  I brought up the  mood swings, excessive sleeping, and the fact I knew about her buying oxycodone from one of her other nursing buddies. Of course she ended up turning it all around making me seem like the bad guy for not trusting her.  
  Since the argument and the phone call from her mother I've been doing a little more digging and have come up with several circumstances involving her and pain medications but its all hearsay from several different people.
  I guess since I'm a former Narcotic agent I've always had evidence beyond a reasonable doubt before making an arrest and want to treat this situation the same way.  Is this wrong?  I'm just scared that if I wait too long something bad may happen to her or someone else.
  
    
  

  
  

[MJH3]

I'm so sorry for your situation. Have you asked her if everything is ok w/ her med's? You don't have to be accusatory, just wondering.