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Feelings- Turning 18 Soon, Not Sure About Finding Birth Parents.
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Feelings- Turning 18 Soon, Not Sure About Finding Birth Parents.

First of all, I was adopted as a baby and it was a closed adoption. I have writen a play and recieved high ratings about adoption (at a high school level, i'm working on getting it published). I love my parents (adoptive) more than anything in the world. They are my rock, they are the people who were there for me at 2 am when I cried as a baby. They were the ones who taught me how to ride a bike, and put make-up on, and play soccer. I am grateful.

However I am going to be 18 in just six months, and although that may seem like a bit of time. IT'S NOT. I've always wanted to meet my birth mother, but I don't know anything about her. There were days when I sat in my room crying, and I HATED HER. I mean, it was a woman I had never met (besides my birth) and really had never gotten to know, yet at some points in my life she was the source of all my hatred. If something went wrong it was her fault for putting me up for adoption.

I'm getting older now, and want to have kids of my own some day. I don't understand how you could throw your child away like that. It *****, but you put yourself in that situation and you should make it work. NOONE MADE YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND MOM! NOONE FORCED YOU TO! SO LIVE UP TO WHAT YOU DID.

I am in no way a supporter of abortion, and if you have to choose go with adoption, but I still feel you got yourself into it.
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11 Comments Post a Comment
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142722_tn?1281537216
Wow, I am a birthparent.  I was 15, but my parents made me do it.  They chose closed, I had no choice.  Maybe your birth mother was like me.  I tried to keep him but the social worker told me it was not my choice and I had to sign the paper.  To this day it is hard for me to forgive them.  Your birthmother, I am sure, thinks of you often.  I was lucky to find my son and he wrote me a letter, we were to meet, but it hasn't happened so I am waiting on him.  he is 17 also so he may have the same feeling as you do.  his parents (adoptive) are divorced and he was raised with his adad.  from what I hear they are both involved in his life.  what right to i have to proceed.  he is under age and he will come to me when he wants :(
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Avatar_f_tn
I am an adoptive mom.  My daughter's birthmother is a smart and amazing woman.  She had recently been reading about couples who could not have children and oddly enough became pregnant even though it went against her dreams and even her upbringing/religion/etc.  We happened to be 25 years old, married for three years and completely unable to produce children without donor embryos.  What should I do?  Live without mothering (not an option to me) or "adopt" an embryo?  For me the choice was neither of those and adopting a child was the only choice.  
We went though alot.  So much infertility stress and whatnot.  Adoption stress was beyond words.  Failed matches (possible scam..) and heartaches.  But finally we were matched with our daughter's birthmother.
I just want you to know another story thats out there.  While I am forever trying to learn to see things from the three sides to the adoption (birthparent, child, parent) I can assure you I have nothing but gratitude and respect and love and so much more really for our BP.  We are so lucky.
We keep in distant touch via email and she can watch our daughter grow up by checking in on a certain web page where all of our family and friends upload to.
Thats just my story and they are all so very different.  And remember too that this is a new era with the internet and the popularity of open adoption.  And all this said, our BP has a cell phone number, an email or could call the agency if she ever had need to contact us and vice versa... but we do not have last names and addresses.
Anyhow; like i said, that's just my story, but for the original poster, you never know the circumstances.  It IS hard to know if you are barking up a dead tree or making someone feel good to know you are happy and part of an amazing family.  A tough choice for someone to make at any age nevermind so young.  I hope that our daughter will keep open dialogue on what she wants so we can guide her with what we know and experienced with her birthmom.  I'm sure your mom would like to muddle through this with you then you keep it secret or whatever...
and to the birthmother.  thank you.  because of brave selfless people like yourself, I can be the most proud mom to the most amazing child.  I am forever grateful to birthparents.
(pardon the grammar and spelling.. late night, tired mom, emotional subject)
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1160404_tn?1262937802
All the nice sentiments are great and all, but I hear you Harley.  I was MAD. There is a rage there that is normal and perfectly fine.  Don't let anyone talk you into meeting your birth parents because of their "selflessness" or "bravery" - do it when you are ready, on your terms.  
You will know when you are ready.  (And seeing a counselor doesn't hurt).

At this point, my birth mother has been a part of my life for about 10 years.  I met her on my terms, when I wanted to.  We went through a lot together - there were a lot of fights and hurt feelings at first.  And, I in NO WAY believe she was being "selfless" as she claims.  She was young, immature, selfish, and didn't want a baby bringing her down while she was trying to meet guys.  
The funny thing is - that's okay with me now.  She is who she is.  Parts of her are parts of me.  And, regardless of why she did it, she made the best decision for me that she ever could have - she gave me to my REAL parents. And, at the very least,  I will always love her for that.
Good luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I was adopted twice and put into various ****** foster homes. My sister recently met our birth mother and hated it. I have no interest in meeting her. I cannot tell you for sure if you should meet them or not but I would suggest not meeting them maybe until you are a little older because you may be dissapointed.
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Avatar_f_tn
When I was adopted as a baby my mother now had my biological mother write a letter about why she put me up for adoption. I have to say that letter has helped at times when I felt vulnerable. She did it because she couldn't provide for me and give me the best which is what she wanted for me. I haven't met either biological parents, but do know a lot about my biological mother. I would say meet her definately when you are emotionally ready.
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Avatar_n_tn
When I was 21, my BIRTHPARENTS found ME. I was always curious about them, what their lives were like and what they looked like, but really had no desire to actually meet them.  This was because I pretty much would forget I was adopted unless someone brought it up (which was hardly ever at all) because my adoptive parents loved me so much and it was never an issue.  My adoptive parents also told me my bio mom loved me and was only 16 when she had me, so I never had any angry feelings toward  my bio parents.

Then, I met my bio mom and dad.  I was confused at the time, because I didn't really want to meet face to face, but felt a little pushed into it.  To make a long story short, my bio dad turned out to be a major wierdo (I have no contact with him now) and my bio mom, well, she was totally different from what I expected.  Let's just say I got screwed when it came to genes- my bio mom used to be a model (I look more like my bio dad).  She went to college and has a good job, nice home, nice family (she has 2 other children).  I know this may sound super shallow, but NOW I am angry.  I just feel like she sort of shoved it in my face "see how well I did in my life, since I made the decision to give you up". And it doesn't help that she is super beautiful, which she did not pass on to me.
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757137_tn?1347200053
My brother has two adopted daughters. It is a very happy family. When the girls were around your age they, too, wanted to meet their biological parents. My brother helped them do this and both birth mothers were found, as well as one biological father. Both mothers had been unmarried when they put their babies up for adoption, and neither mother married its biological father.

One of the birth mothers is liked by all and is now a sort of offshoot of my brother's family. The other birth mother was not as nice a person and the children she subsequently had are jealous of my niece. But they see each other.

Both of my nieces view my brother and his wife as their parents. Their need to meet their biological families was met and it eased them. The older of the girls and her husband  had one son and adopted another. Obviously she has a fine view of adoption.
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1223598_tn?1289972059
what it comes down to is this stranger you talk about, is nothing but a stranger to you.
When my 18th birthday came around thoughts haunted me about finding my birth mother. I did not know much info about her. I was always curious, i have a curious mind.
But I never viewed her as my mother.
The only ones who counted were the family who raised me. The same as you, i love my family.
I always had it in my mind i would find her just out of curiosity.
But (they changed the law where I am to you had to be 19 in order to find) and from there i started having doubts.
I am now 21. And i am just now thinking about going through with it.
I think the ONLY reason you should find your birth parents is if you are interested in the genetic medical history, ancestry, or things alike. There are some definite questions I need answered about those things.
You should not exactly, have any feelings connected to them at all. They are just strangers.

There are always reasons they give you up for adoption. My birth mother had me when she was 18. She was obviously too young, but cared enough to go through with the pregnancy. Creepy to think of by the time i turned 18. I'm 21 and i still think that's too young. I am GLAD she gave me up, because i would have hated a life raised by a teenager. In that way i respect her a little.
What i do not respect was that she was basically a *****. It was a one night stand basically. No information on my birth father whatsoever. From the description of her appearance, i know i do not take after her. I only know a few things, but she was very short, i am tall. She had small bone structure, i do not.
I want to hunt her down because i am confident i take after my birth dad's side, and i want to find him to figure out the ancestry. All my life i have been puzzled on what race i am.
Weird to live with that. It said she was german. But i do not look german, i am dark skinned, and all my life i have been connected to native culture.
I hate the sense of not belonging. So i want that question answered. I need to know my ancestors and heritage for sure.

It seems you hold a lot of anger, and possibly abandoned feelings.
Unfortunately its natural. Very normal.
It is also very normal for the adoptive parents to feel that way too - i remember my parents told me right from the start that i was adopted, but they were always so scared when i talked about finding my birth mom, they were always so scared i would leave them, or that i was not happy with them.
Stupid illogical feelings in my view. Family are those who love you. The ones who raise you. They are who count. To them, I am their daughter, just the same as my sister who is actually born from my mother.
But believe me... i have to deal with alot of abandonment issues (not necessarily directed to my birth mother) but because i illogically feel that if i was abandoned once it could happen again, that i was unwanted, or that simply, my parents could disown me at anytime because i am not their real daughter. I always think they love my sister more than I because she is their bloodline. I feel like im the odd one of the family most of the time... my cultural views are very different. even though they raised me christian, i naturally found my way to the culture i assume i originally belonged in. weve learned to accept our differences.
i could care less about my birth mother. if anything i am mad there was so much information left out on the papers. I need to know why i have had so many physical ailments in my life, i need to know if they are genetic at all, or if I have FASD, which some claim, but cant prove.
Anyway. Sort through the feelings. If you resent her so much, or dont care like I do, only go through with it, if you need to know things.
But those are illogical thoughts that seriously need to be dealt with through therapy.
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Avatar_m_tn
Yeah there is not going to be some amazing moment of joy from seeing your birth mother. I'll be honest, if my girlfriend got pregnant and we didn't get an abortion but a adoption it would be a closed one and we would be pissed if that kid tried finding us (Which is why we'd choose abortion cause we would rather prefer to NOT have kids our entire life).

Not trying to be heartless or anything, but you will have more in common emotionally and behavior wise with your adopted parents rather than your Birth parents. So I don't see why you need to get mad at them. They didn't want to get an abortion, or they were very young and their parents forced an adoption, or maybe they were even drug addicts who got their kid put up for adoption by the CPS. You don't know! You don't even know how well received you will be!

If you wish to pursue finding them though, be very polite about it. Don't assume they want to see you just because you are biologically related to them (We all are only 42nd cousins at most after all). If you were born from Nobility and raised a Smith, you are a Smith!


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Avatar_f_tn
My Brothers Daughter was taken by the state after her mother dropped her off with my brother with no clothes and a haed full of lice . And we didn't even know she was having her.She was young at the time and also lost her son right after she left our house.

She has blamed my brother for everything. And she has lost every child she has ever had to the state ,but never her fault.

Now I have always thou about this little girl and how I wish things would have went different back then.I have asked the mother what she told her about my brother and she says nothing.I find that hard to believe after what she said to me in a message.

I called my brother the day I found her about a month ago.She has meet her mother and her family that raised her she said doesn't want her to find her family and that they where very mad when she found her mom and  went to see her.

This young woman is loved by me and her father and the rest of our family.And we wouldn't want to tkae the place of her parents who raised her.

I have cried over this back then and have cried since I have found her.Because for some reason she doesn't want to talk with me.I do know that my sister said some thing she shouldn't have and now she doesn't want to talk with me.

I sent her Birthday gifts and things for her little boy and a shirt for her husband.My brother is mad becuase I did it and act's like I have to ask him to do so.He think's she might think he told me to do so.I told him you wouldn't need me to do it for you.I did it because I love and care for her.And he thinks I am butting in and I don't even know her and he is trying to get to know her.

If it was no t for me finding her and telling him he wouldn't know I found her.The last thing I want is for him to go threw the pain of losing her again.I already feel that pain. I really wish I had not told my sister because she said things she shouldn't have and she was not even around at the time things happen.I tried to tell her to give her some time and not say things that could come back and her parents get mad with her.But she has a mind of her won and now I pay for it.

I pray that some day she will meet my brother and want to know me and my children.

I wish she would call me or write me and yell at me ,for not being there for her and fighting the dam state.I didn't have the money back then and feel very guilty about not being there for her like I have beeen for my children and other peoples kids.
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1472143_tn?1287334269
I was given up for adoption in Casper, Wyoming back in 1967. I have located both of my biological parents, but neither one of them want anything to do with me. However, I have developed relationships with my bio mom's mother as well as one of her brothers...I have a wonderful bio uncle and I have developed a relationship with a bio brother on my dad's side.

You know, growing up for me was really difficult. I was given up for adoption through Catholic Charities back in 1967 and even though they knew the people they were letting adopt me had some serious issues (atleast my father) they placed me in a home where I was severely abused mentally, physically, and sexually. The only thing that got me through those dark moments was the belief that maybe my biological birth parents were thinking about me as much as I was thinking about them. I guess I was hoping and wishing a little bit too much...

Anyway, I was the product of a closed adoption and think that at the age of 18 a person should atleast be allowed to have their original birth certificate and adoption records. We are not animals that you take and drop of at the Humane Society...we are human beings and deserve the right to know who we are and where we come from.


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