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Look up birth parents?
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Look up birth parents?

Hello,

I am a 27 y/o male, and was adopted at birth. I have never really considered looking for my birth parents, as my mom and dad are just that... my mom and my dad. But it has been put to me that maybe my birth parents would like to know that everything turned out ok for me. I would like to ask anyone that has giving up a child for adoption their opinion on this. I don't want to intrude on their lives and looking them up would not be for me. Its just that this has got me wondering if this would be a good thing for them, i am very grateful for their decision to not abort me and give me up for adoption, and was given to two of the greatest and most loving parents i have ever met (im admitedly partial :) )

What do you think? Thanks in advanced for your opinons.
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14 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
What do your parents think of it? It may be good for you to know a little about your medical history and any other possible siblings.  Your parents may need the reassurance that you will always consider them the best parents ever.  Good luck and God Bless.
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Avatar_m_tn
My parents both are very supportive either way, they have both offered to help my whole life if i ever wanted to look them up. I have a little bit of information on thier medical history. Personally i dont have much desire to look them up, really im just curious if they would want to know if they did the right thing. Thanks for your advice.

best wishes
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142722_tn?1281537216
i am a birth parent and nothing in the world was greater then hearing my son was ok alive and had good parents - i needed to know that he had a great life wheather or not he wanted to know me i had to know - it was hell not to know to wonder - i am to meet my son and i know he has a mom and dad and dont want to replace them - it would be a wonderful gift to your birth parents to know - just to know - how wonderful
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Avatar_m_tn
thank you for your response. :)
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142722_tn?1281537216
maybe if you find them or know where they are just send a letter if you don't want to talk - i can tell you that the letter I got from adam was the most wonderful give i could ever get - he said he has had a good life so far - what great parents he must have - i was so joyful just to know.  your birth parents did what they did for you - i assure you that even though you don't know them - they know that little baby and they love that little baby (you).  i don't think anything was as painful as letting my son go - but look he is happy and that is all that matters - not how i feel but how he feels and his parents
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503422_tn?1218560541
Wow, that's a tough one.  I was adopted when I was 2 1/2.  My biological mother had an affair that yielded me.  Her husband said put him up for adoption or I'm leaving, so there I went.  My adoptive parents told me from the very first moment I can remember.  Very little was kept from me and I really appreciated their honesty.  I never really had a desire to contact my biological parents until I was ready to have kids of  my own.  I wanted to know if there were any health issues to be concerned with.  The adoption agency didn't have a lot of info to pass along when I was adopted.

Long story short, I contacted the adoption agency to try and find out some info and found out that in Washington D.C. (where I was adopted), you need a federal court order to be able to look at your birth records.

I think that any parent who gives up a child wants to  know they are okay, but there can be a huge amount of emotional baggage in contacting biological parents, so please be careful.  Just my two-cents.
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Avatar_f_tn
I found my birth mom ~ 7years ago. It was in the begining then now we email maybe once a year. I was raised with 3 brothers who cam from my adopted parents so  I wanted to meet my Birth parents to see who I looked like and all that. I don't and never will regret meeting her I just wish things were a little better. I want to find my birth father to finish the puzzle. My birth father didn't know if I went to term and my understanding it was like a one night stand. So it will be hard to find him.

My birth mother seemed VERY happy that I found her. It seemed to have answered a lot of her questions and fears.

Good Luck to you!!!
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228686_tn?1211558307
How did you locate the adoption agency? You just asked your parents? I've actually been thinking of trying to take another go at getting info for the same reason you did it.

However, I suppose i'd have to use one of those "finder" groups/websites. It does make me feel a bit silly to be doing this at 40. sort of a "why bring up a whole potentially new bunch of potential garbage to have to deal with?"

Then there's the concept of what if you find out something medical that indicates you Shouldn't have children? What then?
There is something freeing in telling a doctor not to bother with all the genetic questions as you don't have a bloody clue.  

This is why i stick to cats. :)  
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503422_tn?1218560541
It was never really an issue with me.  Short story . . . I hope . . . several years ago, my adopted father (he and I were angry at each other for whatever reason, but had not talked for a few years) called me.  He said that a lady from the adoption agency called to let me know that my birth mother wanted to contact me.  He gave me the adoption agency phone number and then hung up.

I called and talked with the agency and told them I would talk with my mother.  They called her and gave my info to her.  She called me and the first thing she did was cry and explain that she was forced to give me up.  After a few minutes, she composed herself and we began talking.  She asked me what my birth cert said and I told her.  Long pause, she began crying again, apologized then told me that she gave her son up for adoption two-years earlier than I was born.  The agency made a mistake and pulled my file instead of her son's.  I felt soooo bad for this lady.

That was as close as I've gotten.  Yes, I think I'd be devastated if I found out that I had some freaky genetic problem.  Initially, when we were in the process of having kids, I was curious, now, not so much.  If it happens, it happens, but I'm not actively searching.  
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Avatar_f_tn
My birthson is a very bright and curious person who loves his adoptive parents very much, and they seem to have raised him wonderfully. On graduating college, he decided, since he'd always wanted to, to look for me, and, with his a-parents' blessing, he did. I had sent a letter, a few years before, to the adoption agency saying I'd be glad to meet him if he ever wished to find me, and so the agency contacted me and, after everyone (he, his adoptive parents, and I) had sent in their agreement forms, we were able to meet. I had always longed to know how he was doing, had always loved him and felt the loss from relinquishing him---but on an "underground" level that simply colored things I did, made any mention of "adoption" or "found his/her parent" or the like extremely interesting, and so on---and so I, like many of you, was unprepared for the intense love and overwhelming joy of our reunion. It was as if all the hopes of the world were finally there.     --Of course, this was "disturbing"--and frightening, in a way; we should all be so disturbed and joyous. And, after a few months of joy and sadness (for, yes, seeing one's child again brings back the pain . . . as it heals the wound), slowly things get back to normal, and here one is with a new relative (set of relatives, in some cases), and here for one's child is, too, a new set of relatives. Oh, I agree, you may find something scary; you will find your birthparents are people with flaws; you will find they are mortal and so are you; you will find that they, like most relatives, can bring joy but can also bring responsibilities.   And your life will be fuller, and a certain underlying hole, that may or may not be big enough to be actually noticeable, will be filled again.
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Avatar_f_tn
I forgot to mention--my son still loves his adoptive parents. They were glad he found his birthmother. He still thinks of them as his parents (though also of me as a parent, in some sense); they have not been hurt, either.
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503422_tn?1218560541
I just wanted to say I admire you for what you did.  I know it must have been extremely difficult for you, your son, and his adoptive parents.  I was adopted and, while I have not "aggresively" tried to find my birth mother, I was told that I cannot do so legally in D.C. without a federal court order.

I hope things continue to work out for you!
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband and I have been trying to find his birth mother for 15 years.  We have a son of our own and really just want to let her know that the baby boy she gave up on 3/2/1961 at Northridge Hospital had a great life.  He had lots of love and turned out to be a great husband, father and firefighter.  He saves lives all day and mentions often that he is so greatful to his birthmother for saving his.  He lost his adoptive father years ago and is slowly loosing his adoptive mother.  We'd both like his birth mother to see what a great son she has and also see our son who is very smart and extremely athletic.  I  know that with just six degrees of separation that someone will know this b-mother who may have used the name of "Muller", was reportedly a teacher with a masters degree and 31 y/o at the time.  She did a really great thing.  We all benefit from her decision.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have been on here in a while, but decided to stop in and read what everyone has had to say in the past month. I was shocked to see so many helpful responses, thank you very much. I am still in the process of looking up my birth parents, but hearing from so many of you on your experiences has really gave me some of the courage i know i will need. Thank you all very much for your time in sharing your thoughts and i will continue to look foward from hearing from you and others on your thoughts and experieces. Thank you again i cant tell you all how much hearing from people in my situation has helped and encouraged me to do the same. Good luck to all of you in all that you do!
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