Replacements

[hyeyung]

I have a lot of issues that concerns my family.  To my understanding, my sister and I (twins) were abandoned at an orphanage.  Growing up after we were adopted into America, it was just her and I - we bonded over the neglect, isolation, and difference between our foster family (them being white and us being Asian).  We were just ... different.  All we had was each other and now, we're on congenial terms but not close anymore.  After two years of silence, she finally decided to talk to me again.  She told me and a lot of genuine people that she was better than them and my foster parents were thrilled that she was pursuing their dream so they could live vicariously through her.  I'm the black sheep because I don't want to live the traditional life.  So, obviously I have issues with abandonment.  My foster parents were never home and my two older brothers (7 and 9 years older) were in a different world.  It's like we co-existed around each other.  

One of the most difficult thing about my adoption is how I was led to be adopted.  My parents adopted a girl named Bethany and she died at the age of 2.  This is when my dad started drinking heavily because he was there when it happened.  Within 6 months, my sister and I were adopted - there was no grieving time.  I feel used, in many ways.  My sister only talks to me when she wants something from me and my parents don't want to have anything to do with me because I want to be independent.  

I'm so confused because there are the "what if's".  What if Bethany never died, where would I be now?  Would I be happier?  Would my parents be happier with Bethany?  Etc.  It's not that my parents are bad parents, they just weren't parents at all.  I wonder if they would have adopted us even if Bethany lived ... or if I died or something along those lines.  There are so many questions because we were never allowed to discuss our emotions or anything like that.  In fact, we were mocked and laughed at in hysteria.  As I get older, I think it's harder to deal with this.  My therapist suggests I need to grieve and I agree, but I also told her I feel institutionalized.  I'm so used to something else that doing something for ME is scary and unfamiliar.  

Does anyone else feel like this?

[polly22]

Hyeyung, as a birthmother who for many years had no way to know how her child was doing in his adoptive home, my heart goes out to you. I think your therapist is right--certainly you need to grieve for so much you have lost, such as a father for whom you came *first* (you don't make clear how your mother was), and such as your unknown first mother. Most adopted people I've met feel this grief, even if they grew up feeling utterly accepted and loved. Getting in a good support group of adopted people may be helpful to you, and of course finding your birthmother or birthfather could be, too (there are *very* few birthmothers who really didn't want to keep and raise their babies---only sometimes there is just no way a woman can, alone, with any justice toward the beautiful wonderful child). Well, I hope things go better for you. I hope you are able to grieve your losses and to find some beauty.

[polly22]

p.s. I have read that in one country--China, I think--and maybe some others, babies were only allowed to be adopted if they were "abandoned"---and thus many babies adopted from there think they were intentionally "abandoned" when really this was the *only* way a mother could get them adopted into a good home. Maybe this happened in your case?