You don't know anything about your birth mother? If you knew she was looking for you, how would that make you feel? I am to meet my son and he is 15. I am just wondering what he is feeling and what he thinks. You think maybe you can give me an idea of what he may want to ask me.
If he does not know you were raped, I would not tell him. Only from what I've heard on Dr. laura. Don't make him feel he came from evil, not that you would intentionally try to. All you need to say is that you were VERY young and the adults in your life gave you NO choice. At that young age you did not know what to except and did not know what your rights were if any. Tell him that you have thought of him everyday and only hoped for the best for him. Tell him that you love him beyond words and are so happy he is here in this world. Let him know that you know he loves his mom and dad and you are not trying to take that from him. Basically you are thrilled to meet him and see him and hold him and you have been waiting for this day for 15 years.
Hi! I can give you a unique perspective ... I was adopted at birth and I gave a little girl up for adoption 3 yrs ago in February.
I met my birthmother when I was 26 yrs old (12 years ago) and still have a special relationship today. She honestly explained why I was adopted (I was the product of an affair she had with a married man and she was a single mother of 10 children!) and we both had so many questions answered. I mainly wanted to know my medical background but it was amazing to find that so many of my characteristics where genetic!
The bottom line is that we were ourselves from day one. How I was conceived is irrelevant. I was supposed to be on this earth and I found my own way in life. She chose life for me and she chose to give me a better life than what she could give. My mom (adopted mom) does not love me any more or less than my birthmother. They are just two women with different circumstances who are key to my existence. It's an amazing bond.
On the second subject, I had an unplanned pregnancy about 3.5 years ago and I was at the end of a divorce and knew I couldn't afford another child (sound familiar??). Though I believe women have the choice to choose abortion, I did not want to abort my baby. I chose adoption. I found the most AMAZING couple several states away and we communication via email almost weekly! I see pictures of my little girl several times a year and it has been an honor to provide this childless couple with their own little angel to raise. Was it easy! NO! I almost lost my mind when I gave her away ... literally. But, in hindsight I KNOW I did the right thing and I know I will meet her again one day. It will be a blessing. When we meet, I will be nervous beyond words. I will be anxious and more than likely sick to my stomach out of fear!
But, it will still be joyous and I want your meeting to be joyous, too! How your baby was conceived doesn't matter. They are here, you chose life and from what I can decipher it was the right decision. If you don't over react to the situation and don't over-emphasize the conception then they won't either!
Good luck and I'd love to know how the meeting went!! You're in my prayers!!!
I was given up for adoption at birth.I know very little about my BP .
I have looked a little but not very hard .The one thing I wish I had was a medical history .
I was adopted by very wonderful parents .I feel very lucky that they were able to be my parents.
I got pregnant when I was the same age as my bm was when she had me .I chose to keep her .I did however think about adoption if I had it would have been because I loved my child so much that i would want her to have the best life possible.
I got sooooo lucky I have the most wonderful 16 yearold daughter for me keeping her was the right thing .I do have a better insight now into how my bm must have felt when she made her decision
It is hard because I don't know how we will be with each other. He may get to know me or he may not. He is 15 and when he gets older he will go to college and he may not want to talk to me anymore. You know how teenages are. I have to accepts this and it is ok. I wish I could have raised him but my parents were blinded and the fact that he was bi-racial was very hard for them to deal with. I told my mother I found him and we are to meet. She said I hope he doesn't want to meet everyone. She is still ashamed. I moved out since then because of this comment and other things. I want my son to know that I am stable and I do have a home that he can come see me at, but I know that may not happen.
i think you should be honest with him, if he ask who his dad is you can avoid that question, i would tell him ,it was a rape he cant hold that againest you. if you start out on a lie than why bother to meet him? am happy for you and i know in your heart you will do all you can to be with your son. i wish you all the best.
Kris, I think it better advice that you not tell your son right off about his dad having raped you. He is so young, and may have built up a hero-dad fantasy, all mixed up with his feelings against and/or for his adoptive dad, and about himself; this could be too hard for him to handle until he (1) is a bit older, and (2) feels--and you feel--more secure in the reunion. Also, I know many birthmothers, met in support groups/activities since my birthson found me in 1990s, and the two whose kids were conceived in rape and who told the kids so early in the reunion found their kid pulling back---I don't know whether because of the kid learning something so hard to digest or whether for other reasons entirely, though. Yes, in the long run, you will feel the need to be honest with your son about this, and if you wait five or ten years to tell him, he'll be upset you hadn't "been honest" and told him right off. . .but that's parenting, yes? Sometimes, in fact, one has to hold stuff back from the kid until he's old enough; this is true hardly only in reunions. And in any relationship, not solely in reunions, one has to sometimes hold info for a better time. ---Other than this, your innate openness and honesty and sensitivity should guide you; in reunion, stay sensitized to how this child (yours, not some generic "birth child" that a support group imagines, for instance) is responding, what this child, yours, needs.---- And if you do find yourself having to tell him about the rape sooner than might be best, just stay open to his questions and his (probable) horror at the idea, and his fears (e.g., "Will I be like that? ooh, I had the worst sex thought the other day" etc.); you seem so sensitive yourself, your son probably is too.
Me and the other two children I have are very sensitive - I know my other son is the same in my heart I know - he told the worker he felt sorry for the way I felt and was sad because I was sad - he wish I didn't have to go through with what I had to go through and wanted me to know he had a good life and he loved me even though he didn't know me -
Kris, this is amazing---this is nearly what my birthson told the worker just before he (re-)met me. And of course my letter in the agency, which he had by then read, said much the same to him (that I loved him and hoped he was doing wonderfully and so on, even though I had not seen him since he was born). And in fact our reunion was a happy one. I so much hope (and think very likely) that yours and your son's will be, too.
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