The pain of adoption

[kris123]

I am a birth mother and struggle with the fact that I let my son go.  I tried to keep him, I tried but he went to people I didnt' even know, They didn't thank me and I was let alone to deal with the pain.  What kind of person am I.  The pain of wondering where he is, is he alive, is he happy.  How could my parents force me to do it, I really didn't have a choice.
I was 15 and when I let the hospital, I begged my mother to let me keep him, I begged her.  I feel like a bad mother who let her child go, go into the world some where not knowing - I feel like a loser.

[imanaddict]

Hi Kris! How ya been? From reading your post, it looks like things are where we left off a while back. I know how you are hurting, but please try to keep in mind that you were a child when that happened. You are not to blame! You did everything you could to keep your son, but your parents had the control because you were a minor. I think of you often, and I pray that you will be reunited with your son very very soon!

[ChronicPain1]

I'm adopted, and both my birthparents don't seem to want anything to do with me. It's tough...

[JasonOne]

You have the rights to decide for your son since you are the mother. You can ask a help from the government regarding that concern in fact there are a lot of existing groups or NGO's that are willing to help you and your son. I'm not blaming you of what happen, i think its a lesson to be learn. Remember this.. "think first before you act".


How sweet the words of Truth, breathed from the lips of Love.
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[twoleads]

It must be hard, but I am sure he was put with a good family. It was the right thing to do at the time and you are not a loser for it. It was the hard choice.

[Lauren_H_18]

From reading your post - I felt a pang in my stomach, I cannot imagine going through that. It's normal for you to feel the way you do..
We were put here to procreate, and sadly, you did & he was taken from you.
You have to look at it through positive eyes, e'll have been put with a famiy who can't have/really want another child. They'll have had their dreams fulfilled, however, while you don't.
I think you should ask the government for help as JasonOne said. Good Luck, and don't be upset. It was taken out of your hands..

Lauren xx

[starladarling]

Please take a look at some of my posts.  I am new here but I want you to know that you did something so amazing and selfless.  I am so sorry it was not your choice.  That is incredibly unfair and not how adoption is supposed to be.  So many agencies work so hard to be sure YOU want to place and provide counseling throughout the process and after.  It is a large part of the 40 someodd thousand dollars that I spent to adopt my daughter and something I believed in the value of it (despite my issues with the overall costs).  As to what Lauren said, there are two sides to every coin and while I in no way feel what happened is right; adoption should be a choice; though understandably the most difficult one to make. .  I thought I too was part of the "put her to procreate" thing.  I have always wanted to be a happy mom!  I found out at only 25 years old that my husband and I could never have bio children.  No miracle or time would change that.  We are so lucky to have been able to adopt and it is amazing how God works. I'm not the preaching type but I assure you our daughter was meant to be with us.  She is our daughter through and through and we are so very blessed to have her in our lives.
I hope that what you'll read on my family and experience as an adoptive mom may provide you with some peace.  The adoptive parents must go through so much emotionally, financially and so many other ways to become parents.  It isn't something that can be done on a whim (in my experience at least) and any child adopted is one that would never be taken for granted and will forever be seen as a gift every day of his/her life.  I hope this is true of other adoptive parents, as I know it is in my home and extended family/friends relationships with my daughter.  She is so loved.  She will always know the love her BM had for her as well and the love and respect my husband and I have for her BM too.  
I know all stories are different but I had to share in hopes of providing you some peace in the decision even if it was not your own.  It makes me sad things like that still happen and gives the miracle of adoption a bad name when there is so much good and love that went into our own.
xoxo

[avisg]

Adoption is hard for everyone on some level .I am sorry you are suffering .I was adopted by a wonder family .I am 38 yearsold now and have live a happy life .I am sure your son
is in a happy loving home .Plz try to take comfort in that .When the time comes there are registries you both can put your info in you never know what might happen in the future .

[polly22]

Hi, Kris, I am a birthmother too and I want you to know we who have given our children in adoption know how you feel. In my case, I thought my decision was right, and no one forced me as happened to you, yet I felt such loss for so many years, until my son grew up and found me. He was wonderfully raised by good people, and is a fine man, so this has been good. Yet I know you cannot know until someday when you again see your child, and you cannot know whether you will be able to find each other sometime. One of the posters here suggests you contact adoption registries, as a step toward finding each other; if you do this, put your name in every registry you can find that may be helpful. You can contact CUB (Concerned United Birthparents), an old group that, when last heard of, was still doing great work; I don't know if the old adoptee (and birthparents') group ALMA is still going strong, but probably; and there are numerous groups on the Web; ******* Nation may or may not be helpful but try them. There are searchers one can hire, but be wary on that; really, try CUB or ALMA if you can find them; they are old and respected groups who can perhaps give you leads. And the adoption agency or state or county department that oversees adoptions, where you relinquished your baby, may be able to tell you how to go about your search. Even a friendly hospital social worker can be helpful.  Realize some of these people may be much less helpful than others; if you come on someone who's acting like a gate guard, phone or write or post back on another day; and be careful about giving your name or, if possible, about describing your purpose in detail, or the birthdate, until you know you're speaking with someone friendly.   You will eventually see your child. And you did the main, wonderful thing for your child in any case---you bore this life into the world.  Remember, too, that all of this, whether we are raising our child or not, feel guilty if his/her life is not perfect. And of course you are grieving for your loss, and in grief it is too easy to blame oneself, call oneself a "loser" or other names--but this is only the sorrow speaking, and you are a fine person.

[allmymarbles]

Maybe you have it backwards. How much worse it would have been for you if you had not been put up for adoption. You would have had to live with those two people who seem not to have normal parental instincts. Consider yourself lucky to be taken by a couple that really wanted you.

[allmymarbles]

My older brother and his wife have two daughters. They are both adopted. When the girls reached young adulthood they told their parents that they wanted to find thrir birth parents. Wisely my brother supported them in their search. Both were successful. One set of birth parents were delighted to find their daughter and they have a nice relationship with her. The second was not so successful in that she was not as warmly welcomed as she had hope and encountered jealousy among her younger half-siblings. I have spoken to both girls. They love the parents who brought them up and share their attitudes toward life. My brother has brought the birth parents into their circle. To show how successful adoption can be, the elder of the two girls adopted a boy to grow up beside her own natural son.

Hopefully the adoptive parents of your son will some day help you to be reunited. But I should warn you that hisfirst loyalty will be towards those who raised him.