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contacting biological parents
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contacting biological parents

hello board.

i was adopted when i was young.  i always wanted to know who my biological parents were.  my adoptive parents were super against telling me any information.  it's so hard to think your parents are your parents, then one day you find out that you were adopted. it totally changes how you feel, you almost feel lied to.  so naturally i was curious, i wanted to know more.  my adoptive family was highly abusive, physically when i was younger and mentally when i was older . finally at 18 my adoptive mother told me the names of my biological family.  

since the explosion of facebook one night i looked them up. i think i found my mother, some siblings and an uncle.  i stressed over contacting them.  dreading they would reject me.  however i figure i have nothing to lose.  my adoptive family keeps telling me what scum bags they are but i still want to know where i came from.

honestly i don't know what to expect.  anyone else have any experiences in trying to contact your biological family?  success? heartbreak?

adoption has really screwed with my head almost my entire life, i think filling in these holes as to where i came from would really help me close off that chapter in my life.  

thanks for listening.
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I was adopted at birth and didn't have that confirmed until I was 40.  I always suspected, but wasn't for sure.  My adoptive parents are to this day (4 yrs later) are unaware that I know this.  I have located my birth mother and a birth aunt.  I have a phone relationship with my birthmom, and a very close relationship with my birth aunt, in that we see each other every couple months.  I have also met my cousin.  I have a 1/2 brother that doesn't really want to correspond with me, but I am fine with that.  I consider it his loss.   I do not think my b.m. is scum.  she was single and 20 when we became pregnant, and as far as I am concerned did me a favor.  But, then again, I did not grow up in an abusive household.  I think you should reach out to your birth family... you will never know until you try.  Usually, parents do not want to give up their children, they have to have a really good reason to do so.  And I think usually, they are so estatic to find their lost children.  At least my b.m. was.  I haven't met her yet, put plan to some day.
Let me know if I can be of anymore help.  It sounds like you need someone to vent to....

Good Luck! And let me know what you decide.
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hello there,

thank you for sharing your story.  i did contact a few family members that i really do think are my uncle and brother on facebook.  i'm hoping for the best.  i wrote last night, haven't heard a word yet but it's early.  i wrote telling them i didn't want to start trouble or mean any disrespect i just wanted to fill in the holes that i always felt i had in my life.  i would be tickled with a picture or an email.  i'm 30 now.  they put me up for adoption when i know my mom was 17 and he was 16 so they had good reason. i just wanted to see where i came from.  not to mention according to where they claim to live on facebook we have been 20 min. apart the whole time.
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Wow! Were you able to fine your b.m.?  I think I would try to contact her too.  An uncle/brother may not be as open to meeting you as your b.m.  Like I  said earlier, my brother (well 1/2) doesn't want anything to do with me.  and I do not know who my birth father is either.   I say whatever the outcome, do not get discouraged.  They may not even know you exsist.  What a shock that will be :)  I hope it all goes well for you though.  I found my b.m. through a website.  We started looking for each other within 2 months of each other... strange huh?
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you are right, i just wrote the birth mom right now, i found her too on there.  though her page is all private so i hope it's the right person i think it is.  i'm terrified and i'm not sure why.  i guess rejection or they will be blazing mad at me.  *crawls into hole*
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Oh, I totally get that.  I think we are all afraid of rejection.  And, again, you might get rejection... but, at least you tried.  Right?  I'm sure my b.m. feels somewhat rejected because I have a much more personal relationship with my aunt then her.  I talk to my b.m. on the phone about once every week or 2 weeks, and I do my aunt too, but I also have been to my aunts house several times and out to dinner even more.  But, I am not ready to meet my b.m. even though she has asked several times.  I just can't do it.  so, it's all in time right?
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you are so right.  i emailed and i have honestly been dreading to see what they say.  i emailed my uncle (birth mom's sister) my brother (birth mom and dad's son, 4 years younger than me, i was first born apparently) and my birth mom. i am sweating bullets thinking oh my god i shouldn't have written, i feel like i'm intruding on their life.  but having access right there, i couldn't just not say anything. i'm 30 now and i really just want an email maybe a picture.  i just always wanted to know why i'm tall, my eye shape, etc. just general curiosity.  i hope i didn't step on anyone's toes.  that's really awesome how yours turned out.  i'm just scared to death and have no one to talk to about it.

my adoptive parents have told me all my life how horrible they are, how they are awful, scum and i'm betraying them for even thinking about my birth parents. . my adoptive parents were always extremely possessive over me and always threatened to return me for the $200 they paid for me supposedly.  ugh, i just want to fill in some blanks.  i don't really have a support base so i turned to here. thanks again for settling some of my fears and sharing your story.
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sorry meant to say "birth mom's brother" duh. typed that wrong.
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Gee, that's nice of them.... not really.  Your mother gave you up because she thought you deserved a better life.  I'm just sorry you got crappy parents anyway!  My adoptive parents have no clue that I know I'm adoptive... I think they were just trying to protect me.  I won't tell them now, I guess because I'm trying to protect them.  Strange huh?   I think you have the right to look.  If they slam the door in your face, it's their loss!  You sound like a great person inspite of your adoptive parents telling you different.... You have overcame so many obsticles, and are a great person inspite of your surrondings and enviroment.  This does not define you, neither does your parents negativity....
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that is crazy, so your adoptive parents don't know that you know you are adopted?  i think mine wouldn't have told me either but when i was in school kids would say how come you don't look like your mom or dad and blah blah.  one day my adoptive mom said,  you are adopted, i had no clue what that meant at the time, and she didn't explain it very well, just saying my "real" parents didn't want me so i was with them now.  i didn't understand at all and basically didn't talk to anyone for years.  i was just known as the quiet girl in school.  then when i got to be a teenager i started asking questions, and with much resistance and harsh comments, when i got kicked out at 18 they gave me their names on a piece of paper, i kept it ever since and then with the explosion of facebook just typed it in one night, poof there they were.  i couldn't resist. last night i got the balls to email.  life's too short.

thanks for the kind words.  i view myself as a misfit, a loner, but it would be nice to fill in those blanks, for better or worse. i'm realistic and i'm trying to see it from their end, so if i get the door slammed that's okay but hey you never know without trying. 50/50 chance i figure.  

thank you for being so helpful and kind, i really appreciate it.
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Nope, they don't know.  I have a brother (who is adopted also) and he looks nothing like me.  My big "light bulb moment" was when I came home from school and told my parents my blood type, and they told me theirs... I knew from what I had just learned in school, that it wasn't possible for me to be theirs... but, I kept it under my hat.  I asked my cousin (who is 9 years younger then me) when we were out 1 night because I always "knew"... but she confirmed it.  She knows I know an her mom, my aunt know.  No one else.  
I was a ugly duckling in school, but my 2 best friends were really popular, so I got to hang with some of the popular people haha!  It has honestly never bothered me that I knew I didn't "fit in" with my parents... looks, beliefs, ect.   But, I knew had my parents tell me that I "wasn't wanted"... which by the way, I do not think is the case with you.  I think your parents wanted better for you, and when they find out that that wasn't the case, they are going to be heartbroken.  I think they loved you enough to give you away... the hardest thing in the world.  So, if anything, you are very special and deserving.
When I told my b.m. that I couldn't ask for 2 better parents if she had hand picked them she cried.  she said she was so afraid that wouldn't be the case.... but, I got lucky.
Don't be so hard on yourself!  Even if others are.  You know what kind of person you are... and that is what matters.  
Hopefully, you will hear something soon... I am excited for you! : )
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Oh, and by the way... my husband and I just adopted embryos, and plan to have children that way.  These kids will never know their parents, but I can tell you 1 thing... they will be loved and cherished more then any child could be!   I hope they never feel that their parents didn't want them... because, the mother chose me because she knew how desperately my husband and I wanted children, and knew we couldn't have our own.  
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wow that is one wild story! i really hope that i have a pleasant outcome to all this.  i just figured i had nothing to lose at this point and even an email or picture would be so wonderful just filling in the blanks as i always say.  that is so wonderful about you and your husband!  you are really a strong person and i really value this conversation we have had.  who knew this message board would really ease my mind and offer such support.  i truly appreciate it. i will definitely keep you posted on what happens... so far nothing yet :)
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I have found amazing support on this site!  The woman we adopted our embryos from, I met on here!  I found a life long friend in her!! :)    

Your birth family is probably calling each other on the phone right now going... did you get a message... I got a message... they will have to talk it all out first : )   Give it a few days

I am here anytime!!!!  I'm always lurking : )  usually on the fertility site, but I'm here!!!

I just suggest you quit being so hard on yourself.  It sounds like you are a great person that anyone should be proud to call a family member : )
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so this message board is really good for finding support and help!  that's such great news to hear.  so i got an email this morning, it was from my uncle supposedly, it said "hi i'm your uncle joe, we'll talk soon"  i felt excited, scared, nervous.  i didn't type anything back i figured i would just see what more he had to say!  eek!  my stomach is reeling.
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Yipppeee!!!!!!!!!!!!   That's fantastic news! : )    I am so happy for you!  You must be soooo excited!  I remember that feeling you are talking about it....surreal isn't it??  

You could just drop him a quick note back, and say thanks for answering, and that you look forward to talking to him soon.
Nothing heavy... but letting him know you appreciate his answering.

How do you feel now?  I am hoping a little more "accepted", and maybe a little grounded.  This is going to be an exciting time for you!
Make sure you keep me updated ok????  I can't wait to see how this goes : )  
I have a great feeling about this!

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thanks darling!  thank you so much for all your help.  i'm going to write him a short note saying thank you for writing me back.  i agree that is a good thing to do.  i'm so nervous, scared, excited, just not sure what to feel. lol  i hope this leads somewhere good.  i'm not expecting some instant second family thing but just to know he wrote back is a good start.

i feel strange though like i'm betraying my adoptive family?  should i even tell them i had contact?  

i will definitely keep you updated :)
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Ha! Your asking the wrong person on that!  I've known my birth mom for 4 years and haven't told my adoptive family!  I'm even friends with my real uncle on facebook, but no one in my family knows who he is : )

I think, if I were you, with your adoptive family being so negative about your b.parents, and negative towards you... I would keep it to myself.  You are not betraying anyone... you are following your life path... and this is where it has taken you.  You do not need their opinions to shadow over this opportunity.  You need to see things with fresh eyes, and make your own conclusions, without someone telling you that you are wrong, or that your birth family "wants something" from you. They do not know your birth family, and can't make judgements on them.  You do not need that stress!!!!  Take things day by day.  You may never tell them! or you may tell them next week... just do this for you though!   Do Not Feel Quilty for doing what your heart tells you to do.  This is your business and your right. No one elses!!!!
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that is a good point.  i haven't told my adoptive parents i have even contacted them, i feel oddly guilty, however my uncle emailed me back and his sister is my bio mom!  he said that she doesn't have a computer right now that's why she didn't respond to the messages on facebook but she is totally excited about this, i just had my brother's write me on facebook and friend me.  the one brother is 14 and he wrote that he hopes this is all a positive experience and he said he was pleased to meet me.  so far this seems to be going well!! i'm still so so nervous not sure what to expect, i see no harm in being facebook friends though.  wow sorry i'm rambling,  my thoughts are all over the place.
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The guilty thoughts will diminish... I promise... I lead a "double life" too... and the hardest thing is, is not to talk about my "birth" aunt, and my bio mom when I'm with my adoptive family... mom, dad,cousins.... I usually catch myself wanting to say something about my aunt or bio mom, and catching myself at the last second.  I don't feel quilty now at all.  I don't want the drama of my bio family knowing, and I don't want to give up my relationship with my birth family either.  I think I had the quilt for about 6 months or so, but I am at peace with it.  I think you will be too.  Take it day by day, and process things in your own time.  You do NOT need the added stress of your adoptive parents telling you negative things.  You need to take this time to form your own opinions, and to find where you "fit".  No one can really help you with that.  Just get comfortable first, then you can decide who and what to tell.  Heck, you may be like me 4 years later and have never said a word to anyone in your adoptive family.... or you may tell them all.  But, it is 100% your decision, no one elses.  
It sounds like your adoptive parents wouldn't be open to this... so, for now, sit tight, and get to know your new family!!!!!  I am so happy they are open to you!  Most are.  Like I said, people give up children because they love them... not because they don't want them.  They loved you enough to hope for a bigger better life for you!!!!!  I can't wait to see how this progresses!  I think it is so awesome that your bother friended you and wants to get to know you!  I wish my 1/2 brother did!  I would love to have a relationship with my real little brother!  but, again, he isn't open to it soooo......
I am seriously thinking about meeting my bio mom soon.  I am really scared (don't know why) but, I feel like I need to.  

Keep me updated! : )
Melissa
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wow what a day.  i have much to tell you!  well today i couldn't take the guilt anymore and i was talking to my adoptive parents.  i just blurted it out, told them i have been contacting my bio fam through email on facebook.  the adoptive parents took it very well.  like really well.  they didn't get mad at all and now i'm not scared to tell them  i am even talking to them.  crazy.  i'm shocked they reacted this way.

the bio fam though, i keep finding more and more siblings.  i have many many half brothers and sisters.  apparently my mother had 5 kids including me total.  i was the only one who was given away for adoption.  i have received emails from all the siblings except for one.  most of been pretty warming, the one half brother just asked me about my life, education, etc and even said, "so when are we going to meet".  the oldest brother, who i guess was born after me a few years later has kids of his own and he was so excited to tell me.  apparently my birth mom had told all her kids that they had a "long lost sister" out there.  crazy.  

i'm pretty overwhelmed today.  i was totally excited and i still am but i'm still really proceeding with caution.  i'm not so sure i'm ready to meet them anytime soon if ever at this point.

i know that scared feeling you are talking about, i'm still so excited and feel this weird sense of relief of finding them, i actually rush to my computer each morning to see if i got a new email from them, but at the same time i'm really scared not sure why.

again i'll keep you posted, you have been super helpful throughout all this i really appreciate it. :)

emily
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I am so happy your family took it well!  What a relieft that must have been! : )   Sweet!

I bet you are feeling overwelmed!  You just met a whole new family!!!!   So, do you think you'll meet your 1 brother that wants to meet?  I wish my brother wanted to meet me!  I would be so happy and willing to meet him!  No such luck so far though.

I can't wait to see how things keep unfolding for you!   Please keep updating me!  I look fowarding to hearing your story!  This is it, the next chapter of your life, and a chance to become "more comfortable in your skin". : )
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hello again,

yes i'm surprised they took it well.  the only people i have heard from are two of my half brothers, my full blood older brother and my uncle.  my mother added me as a friend on facebook and i guess my grandmother added me too, yet neither have said a word to me, i just kinda left the ball in their court.  

the communication has totally died though.  haven't heard from anyone in about a week, it's been super quiet.  they are online since you can see everything on facebook but no one has talked to me since.

i'm not sure what to think but i'm just going to give them time and hope they contact me again in the future. :)  i don't want to be pushy.  i don't know why but i felt extreme excitement last week now i feel like things are dwindling, sorry i'm a mixed bag of emotions lately and i truly appreciate all your insight.  i'll keep you posted. :)  

hope you are well.
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I really can relate to your story almost exact. When I was 18 I started the search. My friend who was a sheriff found her by her never ending criminal record. At age 20  I found my mother and her side of the family. No possible way to find my dad but talk about disAppointment. She is nothing but a severely brainfried, ill person who you can't even have a conversation with and has to be taken care of my my aunt.
So, after just longing for some type of connection. I just got disappointment. I was defiantly adopted by the wrong people. Feel like a complete mistake with neither biological or adoptive family
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well i can relate.  i stopped talking to my bio fam all together.  turns out my bio mom was nothing but trashy, had a bunch of kids and they are all pretty much, well... trash.  i hate myself for wasting my time on then.  they tried to build me up and they weren't worth my time.  at least i can close that chapter in my life.
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It's funny how we think we don't "fit in" with our adoptive families until we meet our "real" families... then we see how much we DO fit in!  I am lucky to have a birth Aunt that I absolutely LOVE, and I think I am finally going to meet my birth mom next year.  We don't have alot in commom, but, I think we should at least meet.  At least you have answers now, and hopefully can move foward.  
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Im sorry you had the experience of defeat looking for your bio parents. As a birthmother, I am very greatful for the parents who adopted my baby and gave her a beautiful loving home. She is 18 and we have connected, she is a wonderful bright, loving young woman that I am excited to meet one day when she is ready to meet in person. We txt each other throughout the day, there are several hours that I get busy or she is busy but that doesn't mean I don't love her and don't plan on contacting her again. I love her very much and every night we have been communicating we have said good night to each other and good morning.

Im sorry you are not evperiencing the close connection with your birthmother nor the family but please don't give up for in the future you all might start regularly communicate and meet.

So from a birthmom, keep your chin up and a smile on your face.
You are loved and were loved to be placed in a home that was to be a safe place to feel and be loved and to be treated as the same.
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