looking for birth parents

[polly22]

Hi, I'm wondering why people are afraid to look for their birthparents. As a birthmother, I was overwhelmed with joy when my grown son found me. One goes through those years wondering whether one's baby is all right, whether one's child is growing up well and happy, whether this young man or woman is getting on well. And most of us gave up our babies because, for whatever reason, we thought, or in our cultures were made to think, that we could not raise them; we did not toss our baby away. Very rarely, a birthmom may be in some situation where she fears to see her grown child regularly and openly--and that is wrong and painful, and she'll need to find the courage to do so--but nearly always (and I've known many, many birthmothers), her response to being found is joyous indeed. It is important, of course, to reassure one's adoptive parents that they are still loved, still "first" in one's heart--just as a birthmother must give reassurance to her "raised" children that this new child in the family is not displacing them. But be prepared for unexpectedly strong love between the reuniting mother and grown kid, on both persons' parts; it is a bit like being in the vulnerability of new mother and baby---a bit frightening, but less so if one knows it's normal. Best to each of you in your search. And yes, use the groups on the web; they can give you information on how to get around outmoded restrictions.

[autismfamily]

I am a birth parent (11/22/78) and hope someday he will find me or I locate him.  Congrats on reuniting with your son.  I was told my Catholic Charities that I could write a letter before he turned 18 to be put into his file.  At the time I had just gotten the diagnosis of autism for my now 13 year old and a few months later my other son as well, so I had to forego the search.  

Now that my kids are 12 and 13 I would like to find my birthson and at least let him know that autism may be in the genes (different father so not sure) but Alzheimers is in my family genes.  

I have several books that I need to read on the subject.  Thanks for sharing your good news and on the emotional aspect of meeting up again.

[polly22]

This seems an awful lot of autism; have you had these diagnoses confirmed by a second opinion--by some doctor you seriously respect and trust? (It makes me curious, the number of "autism" diagnoses one hears now. I saw truly autistic children, in a daycare I worked at, 20-30 years ago, and they were not very present to our world; I've also met numerous kids diagnosed, in recent years, autistic, who acted quite normal. These latter, I sometimes think, are getting that diagnosis because (1) it's fashionable (2) SED monies keep the classrooms functioning and the schools afloat in a rough economy.) In any case, please don't let the autism diagnosis prevent your looking for your son---and putting your letter in your son's file can mean the agency can contact you if he makes contact there and wants to, so definitely do that. By the way (important), don't start off by telling him about these diagnoses; give it until you're both past the "rollercoaster ride" (but sometimes it's fine and not a rollercoaster) of the first months of reunion.

[socgirl]

Hi there,

I am a 29 yr. old adoptee and I've seriously considered trying to find my birth mother on and off through out the years.  I recently just started looking again and don't know where exactly to begin.  But to answer your question....I've always been curious about my birth mother, ever since I can remember.  I don't remember  a moment where I didn't know my twin sister and I (we are identical) adoptive.  Our adoptive parents were always very honest with us and told us that our birth mother loved us very much, but she just couldn't take care of us.  When I was 22, i received the non-identifying birth history.  I read it and it was enough for me at that time.  I really would like to meet my birth mother, however i feel uncertain about how that would work.  Does she even want to see us?  I think it was a painful experience for her to have to give us up...what if i find her and it brings all the pain back?  I want her to know that we are ok and we had a great upbringing.  I want to find her...there are just too many scenarios of what she might want and I certainly do not want to disrupt her life.  So, i don't think that as adoptees, we never want to find our birth mothers...I just feel that sometimes it's overwhelming to think about and not knowing what our birth mothers would want.  They have already done so much for us, we do not want to cause them any more pain, etc.  However, reading posts on this forum from birthmothers is making me see that i think my birth mother really does think about us and perhaps she wants to meet us as well.  Hope i answered your question...i tend to ramble...it's an emotional topic for all involved.  Thanks

[polly22]

It is so wonderful to read your post. I find it fascinating how much birthmothers' and adopted kids' feelings and fears are parallel. I too wondered. Would my son want to know me? If he would, why hadn't he contacted me? What if he didn't know he was adopted? I didn't want to intrude on/disrupt his life. Etc.         ---Yes, we're all sensitive people, concerned with the other's feelings--but also, we've all believed, it appears, a line of propaganda, the idea that we may disrupt/disturb/hurt this other person's life--almost as if we weren't. . .relatives!      There *is* of course a slight chance your birthmother may not want contact, a slight chance your finding her might disturb something in her life---but (this is not 1950) a very, very, very slight chance indeed.---    And there are search helpers (I don't know exactly how one reaches them, but probably one can start searching by going on adoptee lists, going to meetings, registering on search sites (and with ISRR!), etc., which can help in finding the information you need.

[socgirl]

Thanks for the response.  It is comforting and fascinating to know things from a birth mother's perspective.  I have added my  profile to an adoption registry and am hoping that something comes up that way.  I could very easily at least find out her last name, possibly last known address...by contacting the agency through which the adoption took place.  To do that, i would have to pay a $400 fee and write a letter to the judge who officiated the adoption, explaining why i want this information.  I had to pay $100 just for the non-identifying information.  I think that's **** because I feel that this is information is about me and if i want to know, i should be able to know, without paying...though i'm sure that the payment is more a donation for their agency.  Anyway, thanks for the post and I too find it very fascinating the parallel feelings that we, as adoptees feel, along with our birthmothers.  

[VOR]

For me, it's not a matter of being afraid.  I'm not driven so much to find out.  Several years ago, when my wife and I were first contemplating having kids, I was curious about my genetic background, so I made an attempt to get some information.  I was told that in Washington D.C., you can only get your birth records with the approval of a federal court judge.  So I was unable to get any information.

I have always looked at my adoptive parents as my "real" parents; I've known of my adoption since I was adopted at 2 1/2, so it really never struck me as a big issue.  I am curious about my birth mother.  At this point, however, if she's still alive, it really is up to her.  No bad blood.  But there is nothing there that is really driving me to find out.

[polly22]

Thanks for all this information. It certainly makes sense you see your adoptive parents as "real" parents; it is good you feel such connection particularly if you were over 2 when you were adopted. That is great. Of course, your birthmom is "real" too, and as a birthmother I suspect she's always worried about you; if she hasn't found you yet, it doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't tried. Again, as a birthmother who was found, I recall vividly always thinking I "had no right to look" for my son, since I'd given him up, and fearing to "interfere with his life," etc.; I suppose thinking it "really is up to her" for your birthmother to look for you is the same form of . . . of what feels like feeling the knife stuck in between the two persons but not knowing where it's coming from, or from whom, and hoping the other can pull it out. I know that's too metaphoric, but I do feel for you and hope eventually her need or your curiosity can help you find each other. (And then your own children can have even more grannies!)
  It is brave of you to have tried to find out the adoption records laws in DC, I must say; I am wondering if court approval is still in fact necessary; ALMA or some alt. list perhaps can tell you.  

[Wilful1]

I, too, am a "birth mother."  My daughter found me when she was almost twenty years old.  It was like a person who had died had been reborn; I was so thrilled.  It did bring to the surface many of my confusing feelings of a 16 year old, but I have had a relationship with her for 18 years now.  It was difficult for me to know I was not her "true" mother, but we have worked through so many things, as everyone does when they start a new relationship.  My first contact was on the telephone and told her she could ask me whatever she wanted about my decision, and I really expected some negative comments, but she asked, "What do you look like?"  It was the last question I expected to hear.  But she had been looking in the mirror for so many years trying to imagine what her parents looked like and why she looked the way she did.  I did find her birth father for her.  She met him; however, they never really continued with their relationship.  It just slipped away.  I kept trying.  She came back and filled the hole in my heart and has a great relationship with her sister (my youngest) and her brother, my son, is in the Army, so none of us see him much.  But they truly became brother and sisters, whereas, I'm a little on the outskirts of that.  I know she is thrilled to know me and the genetics in the family's sense of humor is amazing.  She feels she is finally "gotten," if you will.  Take a chance.  If you don't form a bond at least you can get some medical information, etc.  We found peace with this reunion.
Wilful1

[mommay]

I'm new to the forum and am so happy that I found this thread.

I, too, am adopted and have had all the feelings that you so wonderfully described. However, I'm 49 now. I know my birth mother was a teenager when she had me. Honestly, if I'm going to do it - I need to get started. My adoption was handled privately, by a preacher who is long dead. About 20 years ago, I spoke to his wife, got some information and contacted the doctor who delivered me. Of course in 1959 there were no computer registries, etc. He kept all his medical files until he retired (about 15 years before I talked to him) and then transferred birth information to index cards which he kept. Needless to say, he had delivered thousands of babies and without a name could give me no information. I do know that I can petition the Federal court to open my file and provide me with information. I go in spurts wanting/not wanting to do this. My Dad (adoptive) died 17 years ago. When I was spending time with him in the hospital, he told me his greatest fear had always been that she'd change her mind, come back and take me away. I never saw my Dad as fearful until that night. But I can still see the look on his face and the tears in his eyes.

I always knew I was adopted. I have an adopted sister that I can remember waiting for the social worker to bring home. I stood in the window watching all day. We could've never been loved more no matter what our legal/biological status. Do I need to meet my birth mother? Maybe.

[Erika3859]

I too am adopted and even gave my first born up for adoption...........I would say most is the fear of rejection.  I know growing up I had the desire to know who I looked like, acted like and in a way "Why".  We wonder these things because it's human nature, maybe we would have more of a connection; it's always the wonder that gets to us.  

I did meet my bio mom and it filled the void but at the same she was  stranger and I was so nervous; I have seen some bio moms just reject again and that has to be devestating, but I always had the attitude that for 18 years she had guaranteed aminimoty and taht I had a right to fill the void so that I could move on with my life and I dare her to reject me again.  But as time went on prior to our finding each other and after my own situation where i gave my first born up I realized that everyone has a story to tell or not tell and that if I was to be rejectd again I would be psychology ready for it.

I have  a friend who was also given up for adoption and seeked her bio mom out and she was rejected again.  Turns out that her bio mom had been gang raped.  My friend once she found out understood the turmoil and the psychological affects that it had on the woman and was grateful tthat she had the best parents anyone could ever ask for.

So many people have so many different stories but fear of rejection on both sides still exist.  The greiving that both sides go through, the guilt, or even the wonder can hold us back from wanting to close or fill that void.  

I still do not know who my bio father is other than his name and last known whereabouts, but what is weird is that I dont have the intense feeling like i did with wanting to find my bio mom.  Yes it would be nice to see him and find out my geneology and medical background of his side of the family, but it is not the same as it was with my bio mom.  Maybe because I realized when I met her that she was just a stranger that gave birth to me and taht was it.

[the_mouse_potato]

I'm almost 20, and was adopted when I was just a baby.
For me, it was never so much a fear of finding my birth mother, but a fear of hurting my adoptive parents.
It feels weird to even call them that. They're the only parents I've ever known, and I love them more than anything. But I always kinda wanted to know who I looked like too.

My situation was always... alittle different, though.
My older sister and I both (shes four years my senior) were adopted from separate families and situations.
We were both brought into a loving family, but growing up, both had issues.
We're both half black, and were being raised by a white family, which should never make any difference.
But little kids used to tease us, i guess because we were different and they didnt understand why.
I remember when I was little, i was confused, so I'd color myself in blue crayon whenever I drew.

Now that I'm older, I understand that theres nothing wrong with me, and I'm comfortable and confident with who I am. Thats not the issue.
The issue with finding my birth mom is that, although my adoptive mom always tells my sister and i that if we ever want to contact our birth mothers, she'll help us, and that she fully supports us... I know that she's afraid. Shes afraid we might replace her with our birth moms.
But she doesnt understand that thats not the situation at all. I love my parents, more than anything no matter what. Im not going to run away to start some new life, and I dont think any adopted child is like that.
I just think there will always be that missing link, you know?
I'd love to find her, if just to thank her for everything, and let her know I'm okay.
And I know you birth mothers feel the same.
No matter what, even if you live a great life and have a great family, you always wonder.

Ive also tried speaking to my sister about this, but she... doesnt think the way i do.
One day we found our adoption papers, and when I was born, my mother begged her husband to keep me, but he threatened her, and she knew I'd be safer if i was away. He told her to abandon me, and before i was born, he told her to abort me or he was leaving. Instead she put me up for adoption, and he left her anyway. And I hope she knows she made the right decision.
With my sister, when she was born, the mother didn't even want to look at her. Told the nurses to take her away. I think the paper said something like "declined to name or acknowledge the baby"
But my mom always said it was because she knew if she looked at my sister, she'd fall in love with her.
My sister, however, still felt rejected, and i think she pretends shes not interested because she doesnt understand that kind of love.


Anyway, I'm sorry this went on so long.
My point is, is that sometimes we're afraid to get involved with our birth mothers for fear that it will hurt both sides; adoptive parents and birth parents alike.

[polly22]

Wow what an incredible post. I think you know so deeply about all this, we can all learn from you. I am sure you don't want to hurt your adoptive parents (and I know from my own son's case that these are Mom and Dad---though we birthparents are also real---and I would doubt that your birthmom, if she's as sensitive as you, and she probably is, would expect you not to see your adoptive parents as Mom and Dad). Many adoptive parents fear their baby can be taken back by "the birthmom," but in fact that is only true for a few months, as far as I know, in any state in the U.S.; the lingering fear of it happening must be because something in our culture makes adoptive parents be considered less "really" parents---just as birthparents are considered "not really" people's parents, for that matter. We are living in a cultural weirdness that influences our expectations, if we're adopted, birthparents, or adoptive parents, I think.   This is too bad, what your sister learned of her birthmother turning away when she was born; I think what your mome told her must be true---it must have hurt so much to think of seeing this baby and then never seeing her again.    You are right, too---birthparents and adoptive parents--and adopted people--can be hurt by reunion; problem is, they are also hurt by not reuniting; for a birthparent, until reunion there can be a subtle sort of hurt, a grieving lack of intensive interest in things, an undercurrent so that one's life seems a bit unreal, not-the-way-it-was-meant-to-be, or there can be a suicidal despair, or a withdrawal. For adoptive parents, there is that constant fear, as if the connection with their child must be a bit unreal, subject always to being torn away. For adopted people, as you say, there is always that missing, that missing link, that loss in one's life--sort of a big unknown hole. But I've seldom heard someone have so much awareness of everyone's feelings in this---I would think you would give great joy to your birthparents--and know how to reassure your adoptive parents--if you do reunite. And you are right; if you do, there will be times when you--when all of you--must be extremely sensitive to the others' feelings, and even self-sacrificing to an extent, so as not to hurt anyone, for all of you will be open and vulnerable beyond anything except how it is when a new baby is born, for a period of a few months in the beginning of reuinion.

[polly22]

I share your feelings. When my son found me, one of the most wonderful things was finding we'd the same sense of humor. There were some rough times, the first two or so  years of reunion, but my son is wonderfully sensitive and we both worked to be considerate, and so we got past the difficulties and have had years now of fine reunion, without hurt to his adoptive parents either, and he now knows my younger son and has also met his siblings on his birthfather's side (his birthfather had died, long before this). I think we've all gained incredibly from this reunion.

[rch4hvn]

Hi,

I am a birthmom and my feelings of wanting to see my sons is........I feel that 18 years ago someone that I loved and adored past away,( even though I knew he was ok). You know I can still imagine touching his face, how soft his skin was, and the warmth of his body...and also the confusion and sadness and so scared. Who said this was the right decision. I felt it was, everyone told me it was, but still....was it....The last thing that finally helped me make the decision to give my child up for adoption was, I took a look at everything around me and condidered all aspects of my life and I asked myself," whats better for him?, to be with me or to have a chance to have a life of oppotunities that I was unable to give him and the love he deserved so much," I looked at it this way, He was a child of God and I had to do what was best for him, not for me...I had no right to rob him of the opportunities that adoptive parents could give him, so, I said goodbye....until later my love( all the time believing that someday we would be together again).

Well, now over 18 years later, I contacted him and he does not want anything to do with me. Why? What did I do so wrong? God, please,atleast, let him see that I just did what I thought what was in his best intrest. Is this because he is still young and in college?

Wilful1...how old was your son when he found you? What kind of feelings did he have? any comforting words will help.
Thanks
rch4hvn

[polly22]

Rch4hvn, I am having to rush this post, and I feel for you so much. My son found me when he was 24. I'd nearly given up by that point, thinking he must either not know he was adopted, or not want to meet, or be unable to find me, or. . . but when he found me, he said he had "waited until I felt old enough and secure in my identity." I think lots of young persons, identity still starting to form in college or just after finishing highschool and/or leaving home for the first time, are already busy clearing away from "home" lifestyles and attitudes, and from whatever separation strife they may be having with those who've parented them, so they do not want, or they fear, to have another parental figure to have to deal with at just this point. In other words---take what your son said as a kid's "Hey, I'm busy now, Ma"---as the equivalent of the sort of "Oh not you people" reaction a visiting set of parents may get on arriving for Parents Weekend at their kid's college campus---and . . . give him time.                  Easier said than done, I know-----I had to give my son months of time, early on in our reunion, two or three times, and it feels as if one is being separated again, utter tears and despair----but you must. Pushing will not work. And our kids tend to see through our subterfuges, whether birthchild or child we've raised; it's amazing; so subterfuge won't work.       But in a year or two, on his birthday, you may want to send him a card. And each year thereafter, so he can feel asssured of your love. Preferably send to his college or new home address, if you can, not to where his adoptive parents will know of it/see it; preferably do not share your suspicions of their attitudes/effects in this with him---after all, if he loves them, that is good too.  Eventually, he will probably change his mind and come back to you. And it is good he has expressed the negative part quickly and upfront; perhaps that will help to get him over and past the negative opinion, wherever it comes from.   In his body, he still loves you and is connected with you, but he's a growing teenager and needs time.
          Well, that's my two bits. But based on having been to lots of reunion/triad groups, and my own experience.      See if you can find a good birthmothers or triad group----one that lets people cry but doesn't insist that everyone has the same experiences or that everyone involved is a victim; you want to be able to see the good parts (in this case, that your son is alive and can express his wants, and that he's upfront and, clearly, looking for independence).   Because someday, probably---and yes, it is only a probability---your son will want very much to meet you.  ---Polly---

[jtssteph]

I am in the process of cold-calling every Stephen Boutwell in America (my birth father's name). I'm 34 and I've been looking forward to finding out the details of my adoption and who my birth parents are as real people since I was 14 years old. My situation was different than most. My birthfather and his girlfriend (my birthmother), were staying temporarily in Salt Lake City and had had me. They were completely destitute, no money, no car, and no one to help them. They were going to take me to the District Attourney's office and drop me off. Well, my birthfather was working for a man named Luigi and told him what they were planning and he said, "Oh, NO! You have to meet our best friends, they have two adopted sons, have a very stable job and income, and are genuinly good people. You couldn't find a better parent for your daughter. So they brought in a social worker and a lawyer, and I was adopted at the age of 3 months. Well, it turns out that after they left Utah, they have stayed together, had more children, and have called Luigi at least 4 times trying to find me (from the age of 5 to 20). Being afraid that they would try to come back and claim me as their own, my adoptive parents swore their friends to secrecy as to where I was until I turned 21. I just missed them the last time they came looking for me. So I am very excited to let them know that I forgive them for not being able to keep me. To thank them for giving me the best parents in the entire world who mean the world to me, and to have a chance to learn all of the things that you want to know about your background, your heritage.

If anyone can tell me of an easier way to contact them, please let me know. My next step is begging my husband for $285.00 and a private detective from California says that he can find them within 48 hours with the information that I have on them. I'm thinking I might just have to have faith that I won't get burned again by hiring an adoption finder (I lost 1400.00 a few years back, and they did absolutly nothing to help me. )