Broken Down Family

[Sparkling]

Hey, I'm looking for advice about my relationship between my mother and I. I'm a 16 (almost 17) year old female.In April this year my father died and I've taken it quite hard. Although my Dad and I never always saw eye to eye I loved him soooo much. My Dad had had a lot of illness throught out his life and he could be very short fused. He did shout a lot but he loved my Mum and I very much. To cut a long story short... I am no where near close to the end of the grieving process but my Mum is (so she says) and she has been dating someone behind my back. When I found out she said they were just friends and she'd never met him and I told her many times I was uncomfortable with it and she laughed. I carried on asking her to wait a little longer because I this effected me to but when I came home yesterday with my boyfriend I could hear a noise in the house and we searched until we realised it was coming from her laptop so I thought (with her not being technical at all) shes not turned this off properly I'll do It. Then I saw the most digusting conversation between my Mum and someone she barely knows. I immediately started screaming and crying and my boyfriend took me away from it. My Mother (I don't even feel I can call her that) has betrayed and lied to me and needless to say when she came home it was the biggest arguement you could ever imagine to the point where my boyfriend picked me up and took me outside yelling at my Mum to stay away from me to prevent us physically fighting. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.. my Mum makes me feel physically sick and whats worse is that night she went and saw him. Its turning my life to a nightmare. My Dad was right my Mum always put everybody before me.. I just want to move out but I would have to drop out my last year of school. Help! What do I do? Thanks Elspeth.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Elspeth,

you are bringing up two issues in my opinion -- first, does your mother have a right to move on with her life in whatever way she wants; second, should she keep her social/romantic life to herself.  As far as the first is concerned, I imagine that you and I would agree that she has a right to move on -- you may not agree with her choice, but as she has said, and I'm sure she has an explanation for it (even if you don't like it) she feels she is no longer grieving over the loss of your father.  
     As far as the second issue, I think that you have the right to ask your mother to respect your feelings and keep her private matters to herself for the time being.   In particular, you may want to point out (when things are calmer between the two of you, not during the heat of an argument) what you have told me, that you are still grieving for your father and it is difficult for you to deal with her having other men in her life, friends or otherwise.   This is one approach that you can try, and if you do attempt this, you can see how she responds to help guide your actions after that (whether or not to move, for example).