Feeling neither dead nor alive, How do I make it in this world?

I have borderline personality disorder and no matter what I have done for the the last 25 years in therapy, whether medication or treatments - I still like I am neither alive nor dead. Like I am caught between the living and the dead. Like I can not fit into this world, yet belong no where. How do I live with this pain that never leaves. How do I accept all of this and find a way to manage. The world doesn't seem to want me. Not my family, lost all my friends and live alone and seem like I will need to retreat from life.

Tree

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Clearly you have had a difficult time over many years of dealing with this sense of not "fitting into this world" and living with what I imagine is extremely difficult if not intolerable pain.  I can understand your desire to protect yourself from the pain as much as you can by retreating into your own world, but I wouldn't be surprised if you feel incredibly lonely.  For this reason, as much as the following suggestion would seem like a dead end, I would suggest that you try to find a therapist who you can see for intensive treatment and develop enough of a trusting relationship that you and he/she can weather the many "storms" that you would likely experience.  Your other option is to seek out a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group for individuals with BPD, in which individuals in the group work side by side to develop better coping strategies for dealing with the pain that you describe so vividly, as well as for dealing with relationships more adaptively.