Losing my father

[Jennifer11584]

I recently lost my father to aspiration pneumonia. He had major health problems since I was a little girl--
Eventually within the last 3 years, he was a quadrilpalic, who suffered from a syringomyelia. He'd had it operated on 2 years ago and it left him with spinal shock and in a nursing home. He ended up with bed sores so neglected that he had infection in his bone, ending up septic. He was admitted to the hospital from his last nursing home Aug 1, 2009 and remained in the hospital until he passed on Oct. 15, 2009.
He was on several steroids, vitamins, antibiotics, and pain medications to help his system fight off the pneumonia, however the doctors said that his body was shutting down and not responding. After meeting with his doctors and discussing the humane options my family had, I made the decision to take him off of life support and let him pass naturally. He was 57yrs old.
I am a 25 year old who can not stop having nightmares about my Dad. I dream things like seeing him in his casket and him talking to me and not making any sense, the most recent was I dreamt his funeral day all over again (in Virginia) and I watched them bury his casket and a week later he was at my front door (in California) and told me that he was alive, and that he was just going to have seizures for the rest of his life. I called 911 because he went into a siezure in my dream, and in reality, I called 911 from bedside using my cell phone.
I understand that there is no possible way for someone to process and file every single emotion that is wrapped up when you lose a parent, so I keep a journal and I have recently started to meditate. I am stressed out more than anything by the constant contemplation about me making the right decision. It is taking a toll on my days I spend with my daughter and my relationship with my husband. I know my common sense tells me I made the right decision, it's just convincing my sleeping brain that I did.
Any advice?
Thanks, Jennifer

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Jennifer, you sound clear about the struggle that you are having between your waking and sleeping brains regarding the decisions you made about your father's care.  I was wondering if you have spoken at all about your experience of your father's illness and death with any loved ones or confidants (other family, husband, clergy, counselor).  I am torn about what advice to give you -- on the one hand, I wonder if you need to give yourself a little bit of a break and allow yourself to grieve and not be as attentive as usual with your family (letting them know what's going on, of course).  At the same time, I wonder if you wouldn't benefit from talking to a professional who specializes in grief counseling to give you a place where you can discuss the struggle you explained above.

[Jennifer11584]

Mr. Greenberg, I spoke only to the chaplain that was at the hospital on staff while my father was passing. He sat with my family and I when the Dr was giving us the break down about my Fathers' medical situation and the options we had.--The day he passed we had a visit from another chaplain that was more of a joke, honestly. I was not offended in any way, however I have never experienced anything like this before and I suppose that maybe I was expecting something different...I'm not sure. Perhaps I am feeling as though she was just a person on shift doing her job, when he was my Dad and my life.
Otherwise, I have only spoken to my husband about it. We have only been married a short time and he did not know my father very well. My parents were divorced and my mother is upset on a regular basis...but I feel her grieving is very different from mine. I have never been one to focus on the negative aspect of anything, and she does. I can't relate with that at all and it is hard for me to think about anything but the good times with my Dad, naturally. Is that wrong?
I am a stay at home mom who works part time and I feel as though I have plenty of time to dedicate to healthy grieving. I hope this can shed light on which direction you might be able to guide me in.
Thanks, Jennifer

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Jennifer, thanks for the clarification.  I think you said it best when you pointed out that your grieving is different than your mother's.  I would argue that your grieving, while it will share similarities to others, will also be unique to you, as your relationship with your father is and was unique to you.  As far as how to choose to deal with your grief -- I would recommend that you seek out a professional therapist to talk to about your feelings.   I think that along with the benefit from talking to someone else who is focussed on your experience, the therapy would help you figure out whether or not your grieving was proceeding in a healthy manner.