adult child living at home or moving back home

I dont know the right thing to do . Whats right for my adult children? Daughter and grandson live with my boyfriend and i along with his 16yr old son. And my 22 yr old son is back and forth between his dads and my house. He lived in maryland on his own for a yr and struggled with jobs, his car died and apparently public transportation is a issue in maryland. When will the grow up and make it on their own?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I don't have a clear answer for you --  you'd like to see that your children are able to make it on their own but I get the sense that you're also concerned that they won't.

[jupsie]

Your right i am concerned they wont. Although my daughter has shown lots of progress in the past year and i am so proud of her. Im thinking she will be on her own by this time next yr if everything continues to go well. She went from hardly working to assistant manager to now the manager at a shoe store. She does have a good work history meaning she was always able to hold on to a job and always took pride in her work. Now my son i am not sure about. I want him to move back with us permanetly for lets say 2yrs. Would it be reasonable to do it that way? Of course he would be asked to pay 200.00 in rent , split the water sewer and trash bill and buy most of his own food and personal stuff like soap, razors, etc. Does that sound reasonable for a 22yr old who is trying to grow up. He does acknowledge that he should and could be doing better. I would not say he is a bad kid . I do believe there is hope but my boyfriend and ex husband are very negative about him. They both had children by this age so they were forced to be on their own and on top of that they wanted to leave home because things were not going well at all with there parents and hme life.

[Jaquta]

Having a stable base sounds as though it could be beneficial to your son.
I personally wouldn't be paying $200  a week to live at home plus pay all the other stuff.  I guess that depends on where you live and other circumstances though.
I think you should all try supporting and encouraging your son.  Maybe even have a conversation with your boyfriend and ex about their negativity which can't be helping him.
I think your son shows promise.  Support him and help him to grow.  It's possible he may just lack motivation and confidence.
Why has your son struggled?  Has he tried to take on too much responsibility?  Has too high expectations?

[jupsie]

Thank you so much for your advice. I want to clear up your misunderstanding about the rent. I would expect 200 a month, not 200 a week. the water sewer and trash bill comes every 3 months and he would be expected to give us about 100 dollars which is like 33dollars a month. He does have a job but im always afraid of when he wil lose it. They either get rid of him or he has a problem with something or other. His dream is to be a film maker but he doesn't work hard enough at it. He has the talent but i think he is waiting for a lucky break. Cant get through life waiting on that.

[Jaquta]

Thanks for clarifying the rent thing for me.  $200 a month, from his prospective, would seem like a real bargain.
I guess a parent will always feel concern for their child.  I would probably be looking for opportunities to praise your son (and daughter) where appropriate.  I would also try and rein in any anxiety about your son's ability to keep a job.  Sometimes people are perceptive to others doubts and lack of confidence in them and their ability.

The doctor on the mental health expert forum suggests keeping things in perspective and focusing on reality.

Your son seems to have some issues.  I would probably look into psychotherapy to see if he could benefit from that or is at least amenable to it.  I almost sense that he has lost his way a bit.  ??  Waiting for a lucky break almost implies that he either feels he doesn't have the skills or he lacks confidence in the skills he does have.  Or he is lazy but I don't think that's the case.  It could be that your son feels overwhelmed or powerless.  It seems like he needs direction and to really want it.
What is preventing him from following his dream?  What are the obstacles that he feels are so insurmountable and defeated by?  What are steps he can take to overcome them?

Have you tried talking to him to see what's really going on with him?