daughter facing suspension from college due to drinking

[ThomasJohn]

My daughter is approaching her senior year in college and has done well academically.  She is vey involved with the volleyball team and has many friends and as far as I knew was trotting along life's path without any obstacles.  How little we sometimes know as parents.  I found a letter in her room from the college and thinking it was college-related I looked at it.  I know that this was probably not right but to tell you the truth I'm somewhat upset that the parents make huge sacrifices to put their kids through school and then are not entitled to ANY information.  So, the letter informs my daughter of a hearing dealing with disciplinary problems stemming from the use of alcohol.  The college is concerned for her health as well as her behavior.  She is required to have an alcohol and drug assessment within five weeks and failure to do so will result in her permanent dismissal from the college.  You can imagine how crushed I am.  I know I need to somehow deal with her alcohol use/abuse.  Her father won't be of much help because he sees his own drinking as social  and will just say that lots of kids drink in college and that it is a "coming-of-age thing".  My problem is -- how do I confront her -- without letting her know I looked at her mail?  I know she will be furious.  Our relationship is a bit incommunicado already as she is pulling away towards adulthood.  Should I step in?  Thanks so much for your help -- I never imagined parenting to be fraught with such perils.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

You are bringing up at least two issues that are worth further reflection.  The first -- do you as a parent have a right to know what is going on in your young adult child's life when he/she has not included you in it?  If you believe the answer to be yes, and I gather from your post you do, then, how do you convey to your child that you would like to be involved while respecting your child's privacy and desire and keep things from you?  There is not an easy answer to this issue, and no parent and child is going to deal with this in the exact same way.   I would add that you seem to be feeling that you are on the outside looking in with regards to your daughter.

The second and related issue has to do with your comment "I know I need to deal with her alcohol use/abuse.  I would amend that comment and say that it is worth thinking about why you didn't write instead "I know that she (your daughter) needs to deal with her alcohol use/abuse.  It makes me wonder, upon further reading of your post, if you are feeling less and less "needed" right now as a mother with your daughter, and while you are understandably concerned about her, that you may also be looking to help her to feel more needed.  

Further, as I understand the letter, the university is asking her to get a drug/alcohol evaluation or she will get dismissed from college.  I'm not sure about this, but you seem to fear that she won't get the evaluation.  And maybe this is where you can intervene, by asking her if she has set up an appointment to get an evaluation.  If she has, then she's taking responsibility for herself and recognizes the consequences of her actions.  If not, you can engage her in a conversation about why she hasn't.