mental health

   My story goes like this when I was very young, may be about 5 or 6, I experienced my first sexual act with my cousin was as at the time 2 or 3 years older than me. i can still remember it till this day, after that I was also sexually molested at 9 years by someone 4 years older than me. I was so ashamed by this sexual assault, i told they guy to stop, but he threaten to tell my parents about the act; I don't know why I did not tell them. When I was 11, my parents enrolled me at an all boys catholic high school (dorm)....There I was sexually assaulted by someone from a higher grade....by then I thought this was normal. I had sex (non penetrative) with this person till he graduated. i was barely 14.
     I was never exposed to females because my parents sheltered me and the disapproved such things(strict). so I never really knew if I like girls or not. I am so angry of what happened to me....it cause me to have self-hatred and distrust of people in general. I always have weak emotional and mental stability; I get easily annoyed and irritated, and I also have a lot of anxiety problems.
  
    

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I think that it is understandable that you would be terrified to talk to girls or get close to anyone given what you have been through.  As you have described, allowing yourself to be vulnerable as you would be if you became more intimate with girls would likely awaken the feelings of being violated as you were when you were younger.  Have you ever spoken to a professional counselor or therapist about these events before?

[gorrilu]

  I completed last year in USA high school.....and it was the first time i saw girls properly in a social environment, I was too confused and shy to talk to them....Although I did find some attractive. I started at a community college, but I never dated anyone because I again my parents disapproved and my father was a domineering person. I was basically a tool....I did everything for him believing that he had the ultimate knowledge. Remarkably, I finished college without having sex and not knowing who or what I was or what I wanted in life.
     I am 26 now, and my sex drive is next to zero.......the reason for this is because I do not know who I am...I would like to think i like girls....I have talked to a couple, but i have never asked any out on a date. I am not confident in who i am or what i am, that's why i believe involved in anybody. I FEAR I WOULD COME OFF AS A PHONY PERSON.

[gorrilu]

no I have not doc.

[gorrilu]

I have never opened up to anyone before.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I could imagine that opening up to someone in person is very scary, given the many feelings you might have about the events you experienced.  This is not an unusual feeling for someone who has experienced sexual abuse or assault earlier in life to have.  At the same time, given the issues you are facing, including the anxiety around girls, the lack of a sex drive, the lack of confidence in who or what you are and self-hatred, psychotherapy can help you resolve these issues, particularly to help you get over the impact of these experiences, which are very leading to the feelings and behaviors you notice in yourself.

[gorrilu]

I would like to see a therapist, but I don't the financial resources to do this. Doctor can you give me any advise on where an affordable therapist.

[lovelymaria7]

I hope you don't mind me commenting. I was sexaully assaulted around dthe same age by a
same sex cousin who was five years older than me probably for a year or so. ( can't really remember) For years my sexual identity was
Indifferent. I knew I liked boys but was to shy and guarded to talk to any. My sister went
Through the same thing as me so I could share with her my thoughts about it. Kind of like a
Release for me. I can't imagine how lonely and confused you were keeping all that stuff to yourself. I finally starting talking to guys at 18 and gradually started finding them attractice. By nineteen I fell in love with one and had sex. Nothing like the experience with my cousin but something beautiful and pure. I'm not a certified psychologist but I can be a friend. If you ever want to talk I'm here. Peace. Love. Harmony

Maria