sibling sexual curiosity

[kkdex4]

My 14 year old son is three years younger than his sister. When he was 5 or 6 he would watch her sleep and she claims he touched her breasts. He does not remember this. He hasn't done this for many years but this past year she woke to find him watching her sleep. He didn't touch her but she feels maybe he would have. I had a long talk with him about this issue and he claims he doesn't know why he did it. He felt bad and embarrassed and cried. My daughter thinks he needs help for a problem but I am not sure that is true. What do you think about this situation?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I think the only thing I would add is as you have implied, your son's desire for his older sister is outside of his awareness and stems from a time in his life before he was aware that relations with siblings is unacceptable (little kids desiring siblings is not unheard of, by the way).  From his reaction to your conversation with him, he gets this.  As far as whether or not he needs help, I would suggest two things:

1) Monitor the situation; because these old feelings are beyond his awareness, he may not be able to control them even if he wants to.  Also, he may react very strongly to the embarrassment he feels about what he has done (depression, anxiety).  If he doesn't seem to bounce back well, and you see major changes in his mood or behavior, then he may need help.  Those are two things to keep an eye out for with your son, and may warrant getting help at some point.

2) If your daughter's room has a door she can lock, tell her to use it.  More than anything, this precautionary measure will keep both of them feeling safe.