I am a depressed agoraphobic

[Mike4574]

  I am 20 years old and for the last 2 years I have been a concealed depressant.  I have told no one, in or out of my family, of my daily thoughts of suicide nor of my intentions of suicide.  I am rather good at not letting anyone know how I feel and pretending that I am completely fine.  Since my freshman year of highschool I have been scared of social events and imbarassing or making myself look stupid in front of people.  Rather than looking foolish in front of others I decided to hide myself away from the world and become my own best friend.  I spent the entirety of my highschool days playing video games online in my parents basement, which made my only friends those in the online world. I went into college hoping for a better life but found myself seemingly unlikeable and undesirable to be around.  I don't have any friends now and I can't remember the last time I left the house on a Friday night.  I have spent the vast majority of my time concealed inside my own house playing video games, only now I have given up on the online friendships as well. I realize that there are people I could probably call and with some sympathy they would probably hang out with me.  Afraid of when I am with people however I will often find myself thinking of not looking stupid and awkward, often leading me to panic and unable to carry a normal conversation thus in term looking even more stupid.  I have come up with about a half dozen ways to kill myself and nearly attempted over a dozen times, most of an unconvincing nature of success.  I am absolutely positive I am going to kill myself but in fear of hurting my parents in a delicate time of their own I wait anxiously.  I don't want to hear any sob stories about how their is so much to live for and that it is stupid to kill myself.  I'm sorry I don't believe there is any possible way our souls are transported through magical gateways to heaven or hell set by rules from long told fairy tales.  I have found myself in fear of life, begging for a soon coming quick and painless death. I do not fear death as I believe that my energy simply will become part of another energy. In a planet that is being overrun and consumed by my  species, I don't think the stopping of consumption and the giving of my energy to another is stupid. The world would probably be a better place if a few hundred million of us were just dropped off of it. I am tired of people and I am tired most of my incompetence.

[MrGreen]

Interesting post indeed. I think a lot of my old lifestyle back there in your words. You won't get any sob stories from me. If you did others would pass out with shock. That is not my scene at all. Suicide? I thought about it many a time. Used to have a head full of thoughts and an arm full of markings. Odd that somebody who ever thought of such a thing is collector of knives. But that's what I do. I love them. But when bad really gets bad I love to put a marking on my arm too. The whole thought of distraction. So I was always telling myself. Come summer I could never wear short sleeved shirts. Nobody knew I was doing this. Like yourself I kept my problems to myself. Fact, my mum only found out how bad I really was last year. That's 20 years on. And we live in the same house. 10 years of that 20 years was spent indoors. Looking at the walls of my bedroom. Yet here I am. Still alive. Able to find some things to make my day pass and have some fun along the way. You want to kill yourself you'd do it. No words on here could stop you. I wouldn't even try and stop you. Because we are just sharing words on a forum. You could read them and think ' what a load of BS '. But there is such a thing as recovery. I got back out there. After all the sh!t I went through. Began finding I could do things. Things I had forgotten about. Found out there was people I could talk to as well. The most important of which had been under the same roof as me for all of those hard years. Small fact. If you are not even going to try and look for help you will end up indoors and playing around with knives or looking at tablets. Have you even looked into getting help at all? As much as I cut myself a lot, that was just to feel the pain. But the thought of killing myself felt like too much pain. That's pain on myself. So although the thoughts were there, they would never be carried out. I long since accepted that fact. Once I accepted that I knew it was help I needed. I got the help and got back on track with a life I thought I had lost. So there is a road back. Just a case of wanting to find it. It won't find you. You have to find it. Other than that, can I ask, why bother posting a post saying you are going to kill youself no matter what? Just curious about that one. It more seems like you are venting and want to get something out that is inside of you. Be it how sad your life really is. Again, I have lived the life too. But I'm still here. Have many an interest these days. From gaming to computers. Things I don't need anybody else to do with me. Things that keep me happy. Lot of online friends too. Some great people met here on these forums. People who listen and share. People who are willing to help. Even though we are miles apart. I just hope you find something in this post. Nobody can stop you killing yourself. That much is true. But think of this as a stepping ground. You have told us all about yourself and your thoughts. That to me would be step 1. If you can tell us you can tell others. Weigh up your options. The help that can be offered versus your suicidal thoughts. Maybe give the help a go first. Then you might be looking back years from now writing a post like this one to some other person who is talking as you are now.

[horselover65]

I can't talk you out of suicide, but I can tell you that although I've attempted it myself many times in various way since I was only 13 years old that I am still here at 43. Most of the time, I am glad about that in spite of battling bipolar disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia, along with some other things. Yes, I still have suicidal and self-destructive impulses. I can rationalize the benefit of my death as well as anyone who is in that state. It's simply what we do when we're feeling that way. I think you'll find that there are a lot of people who, objectively, might not have a lot to live for. They carry on and although some continue to have tragic lives, many find that their situations change. I hope you'll find knowing others have been where you are is beneficial. I also hope that at some point you will take another step toward getting some help. You could try talking to someone. That is usually available at the campus health center. If nothing else, perhaps you could get relief from your anxiety because that can interfere with so many things, including your current stated ultimate goal.

Since you are in a position where you have to wait anyway, why not see if there is anything out there that engages you. Something unusual. Something you can do alone. Don't force yourself to endure social occasions. You already know how you feel about those.    

I understand isolation. I have no real friends myself. I have my husband, but a good friend would be welcome. However, I do not work, do not attend church and do not leave the house unless it's necessary. I am unlikely to meet anyone. It is not the greatest feeling and I understand. The perfectionistic tendencies are also familiar. I think of myself as a socially disastrous dork - and I've always been that way. Be aware that there are a lot of us around. The world isn't like TV or the movies. No, real life pretty much stays like high school in my experience. Same stuff, different setting. And yet there are sometimes special people and wondrous circumstances that manage to give luster to our dull and seemingly pointless lives.

So, think about it. If you get help, the worst thing that happens is that you stay as you are. Right?

[doglover1st]

Hi read your post and you really hit a note with me. I seem to have alot of the same traits as you. I don't work, I'm a housewife for many years,  My youngest child is 15 so I feel I have no excuse for my empty lifestyle. I'm watching way too much TV and really just want to be left alone and hang around my house all day. When people ask " what are you doing today" I make up some excuse just so I dont really have to leave. I do like getting out to go shopping and see certain friends but other than that I'm in a Woo -is -me funk. 3 weeks ago I had the mother of all panic attacks it scared the hell out of me. that hasn't happened in like 25 years.  I have a number of friends but no one knows the truth about what is going on.
I'd like to be your friend, it would be such a relief to me to have someone to really talk to.

[Jamesboss]

I am 30 years old male and completely depressed. I dont want to smile. I do not want to be around people. I do not want to talk. I just want to be left alone. This I would say started early in life, and has gradullay gotten worse, but mainly the last year i would say its gotten 3 times as bad. I think the severe depression has just came recently. I was not always depressed. I would like nothing more than to have someone i could be comfortable with at home at nights. I do have a few close friends, but for the most part im scared to let people in to close. I feel like someone is pushing on my head and the pressure is only getting worse, and eventually something will crack. Deep down im a good person who would do most anything to help someone out, but I just hid from society. Freedom for me is being home alone 24 hours a day. I need help, bad. I have alot of thoughts of either dissapearing to somewhere where no ones knows me, or killing myself. I dont think i would do the latter, but who knows its getting worse. I wanna go somewhere where I know no one is judging me or being around people like  that. Im 5'9 270 lbs, and i have let the weight get to me too much. Its always on my mind. I think that im the fattest person ever. Yet im 100 pounds skinnier than anyone who goes on the biggest loser. Its in my head, I cant get it out. Anyways first post. If anyone has any comments about this, respond. Thanks

[ducky8]

The first thing you need to do is to get some therapy.  That will help so, so much.  Talking to someone who will not judge you is very healing.  
I also think that your weight is probably a big part of your depression.  
Joining Weight Watchers or whatever weight loss program you choose can only do you good.  Eating in a healthy way can change everything:  Your weight, your attitude, your general outlook in life.  Trust me on this one.  I know from experience.  
Do you have family close by who support you?  Lean on whoever is around that cares for you, and get going on getting your life back.  
You're the only one who can do this for yourself.  
Keep us updated on how you're doing, ok?
Ducky

[Jamesboss]

Thanks for responding. I have alot of family. But I am the family member for 10 years or so, who has avoided family functions 80 percent of the time. I am someone who hates any attention directed upon myself, but i also know when i don't show up to things in a way all the direction is being directed towards me. I definitely feel there is resentment from my family towards me, for my lack of being around. With, just cause i might add. What none of them realize is, is that I would love to be around, but social activities where there are alot of people, scare me. I don't know how to explain this. I want to see everyone, theres no doubt, but the thought of being there with all of them, i can not handle it. I do once in a while show up to something, but it takes alot of me for me to be able to do that. You are definetely right about the weight. It is 90 percent of the problem, but i do know when i was skinny ten years ago, there were still some social issues. The weight is always on my mind every second im around people. Im 270 lbs. I know its not the worst weight in the world, but to me it is. You say i should reach out to family, well frankly i can not do that. You say go to a therapist, can;t do that either. The social issues affect my career too, 100 percent. Because i want to be left alone, i have to look for certain jobs that have as little social interaction as possible. It really *****. When i meet people im always nice and somewhat try to make it comfotable. It just kills me. I don't know im really at the end of a long hard struggle right now. For years i have dreamed of going somewhere where no one knows me, and being alone. For me thats happiness, it *****, cause i know deep down thats not what i want. Im afraid in the next few months, i probably am going to make that move. Doing that to my mother is probably the only thing that has stopped me thus far. And it kills me to know that I could just leave and potentially not see her again. Anyways thanks for listening. I just needed to vent. Hit me back when ya can

[ducky8]

Ok, please tell me why you can't reach out to your family?!?  Why can't you have a long talk with your mom and tell her how you're feeling?  Us moms are good listeners and we'll do whatever we can for our kids.  I know she'd understand, or at least try to.  I know this sort of thing is something we like to keep to ourselves, and it's hard to tell anyone, but telling is very freeing.  (Something else you'll have to trust me on....)
And lastly, why can't you go to a therapist?  Truly, I'm not understanding this.  
Remember, the first step is always the hardest.  But please take it.  
It'll be worth your trouble, I promise.  

[recrdpxi]

Ducky is right.  The first step is laways the hardest.  When I decided it was time to "come clean" to family and friends, I wrote a letter explaining why I did this or why I didn't show up when I was supposed to.  I sent info on Panic and Agoraphobia and websites for them to visit.  It is very freeing and I think for you it's the best way to go.

[Jamesboss]

By me telling my mother, it immediately makes me the center of attention. I really dont want to tell all my family, cause i don't wanna be the weird one. Although in a way i already am. I don't know what to do. I think when I take off in a few months, I will write a letter than explaining whats eating me up inside. The last thing I want is to be a 30 year old who has issues, and different from all my family. I would rather just carry the burden myself rather than put that burden on anyone else. My whole family is married with kids, educated, etc. And im this 30 year old whos different from everyone else. I stick out like a sore thumb. If i was in a family where everyone was under achievers, I would feel better about myself. There is no one in the world who knows i feel this way. I have two very close friends, but not close enough for me to ever admit what im thinking.

[ducky8]

Almost anything can be changed.  Any feeling, any situation, any circumstance.  But you have to want to change it.  
You can wish things were different until the cows come home, but it is what it is.  You can only start from there.  
I can't talk you into to anything you don't want to do.  
So now it's up to you.  You can take the steps to change your circumstances, or you can give in to it.  
I hope you choose the former, but it's your life.  It's yours to do with it what you will.  
The hard way is always the toughest.  but it's also the most rewarding........

[MelissaATFR]

Hello everyone, this is Melissa from Season 13 of the Bachelor. First and Foremost let me start by thanking everyone for the support I have recieved throughout this whole process. There has been alot of times where your words, and letters have made what became a hard experience for me, tolerable. Now about the show. When I went on the show I expected to atleast get to know Jason, as I watched his season on the Bachelorette, and seemed like a great catch. Thru the whole experience I truly believed that I had found the love of my life, someone who was totally different from all ofhers I had previously dated, and someone with a strong moral background. I did not expect to get proposed to on the finale to only find out 2 months later, that during the break in taping, that he was secretly dating Molly, and than would break up with me at the After the Final Rose. For 2 months I thought my life was about to change. I was making arrangements for what was to come, only to find out that I was betrayed in the worst way. I was a pawn in some sick reality game, and I am here to tell you that it is and was not funny to me. I will post again at a later time. All these internet rumors are all over  the place, and if ABC wants to sue me thats fine. Morally I wasn't wrong. I did the right things, and thought it was a fair shot at love. Boy was i wrong. Depressed does not even begin with some of the feelings i have at this point. I will blog later, but right now I think I have answered enough for now, and I don't wanna talk about this anymore tonight. Thanks again for all your love and support my myspace page has been recieving, and all the emails. When this all comes out, I will try to respond to everyone I can

Thanks
Melissa

[mindersmomof2]

For real, who is this? You can't be mellissa from the batchlor and why would you post this on medhelp?

[Zeppy]

Mike - I have also a hard time seeing the point of all this.  What do we do, where do we go, how do we make our lives substancial, and WHO denotes all of this.  How do I find substance in what I do, where I walk, how I interact and also ... the future.  What if I don't have any passion?  What if I don't have anywhere I would like to travel?  What if I don't even get enjoyment out of sex.  No enjoyment from SEX.  Unreal.  Yeup ... thoughts have stuck in my mind for years.  Now, the sex thing no, but the others ... yes.  At least I have one thing that makes me excited.  And drinking.  Drinking is terrible for depressed people, but for me, feeling out of control is great, then feeling like I have to overcome my hangover rejuvinates me.  Makes me feel like I have to accomplish something for the day.  Freakish.  But that is how I am.  

Have you ever thought about getting old?  Ever see those oldies walking around in their weird 50's clothes, humped over like Quasimoto, wearing diapers, tracking a cane and weird large nylons tucked into the tan shoes ... And I want THAT?  F*ck no.  So what is the point if all we REALLY do is age?  

I guess my point is that yeah, killing yourself won't stop the world from revolving, and killing 100'000'000 people STILL wouldn't change anything, and no, Santa Clause doesn't exhist and yes, most people whom believe that some terrestrial self raises above us and gratifies our life here are freakish ... but if your going to do end it, why don't you do some CRAZY stuff before you go?  Skydiving, bungee jumping, gambling, surfing, having sex with beautiful women ... WHATEVER ... if you were scared of it before ... you may as well do it now - your not going to be here forever.  No reason to be scared when you know your time is limited.  

As my clinically depressed mother told me once "Action ... Action is the key ... keep yourself out of your head".  Yeah, harder done than said.

There are only a few constants in this life.

1.  We are born
2.  We will pay taxes in some form
3.  We will decease

One and two you cannot control, and three will happen with or without your help ... but why invent something which has already been invented?  I'm not saying you shouldn't, but I just tell myself ... may as well get as much out of it as I POSSIBLY can.  

Whatever you believe, whomever you believe, and however you believe it ... my sincerity of words to you is from the best intentions, not for my personal validation, but because I go through it, I think it and I have lived with it for a long time.  It's amazing how many people go through this EXACT same thought process - and we will never be able to share with them our thoughts.  

[adamIScool]

Dude, I'd love to be able to sit in a basement and play video games all day. And I'd love to go to college and not hang out with all the jock pop collar jerks. You may want some friends or human interactions but hey, it's not required. If you like being in the basement playing video games then just rock it and do it all the time. I'd do it if I could.

Tips:

Don't worry about being akward in social situations. Even if you're nervous just tell the people you're with that you're nervous or something. Once you get passed that stage you'll feel comfortable and just talk about whatever interests you have be it video games, dark basements, whatever. Any truthful, polite conversation can't be made into a mockery.

Don't tell yourself that you're a bad person. We can all tell that just by reading your post that you're not "seemingly unlikeable and undesirable to be around". Concentrate on your talents and interests. Like I said above, I'm envious of that lifestyle. Just keep rockin it.

Don't think about ways to kill yourself, becuase it's just stupid. Seriously dude. I got way into the environmental movement in high school and got all worried about the overpopulation and resources etc. Now 10 years later, I've found a job that allows me to help conserve natural resources. Plus I have a baby girl, and although it's adding another number to the population, I'm hoping to raise her with a very vast knowledge of conservation and fairness. That being said, people who are concerned about the population and planet are the ones that we NEED here. Obviously losing you wouldn't just be a loss for your parents, it would be a loss for society. Totally the opposite of what you want to stand for.

Do look at yourself as just a normal guy who has his skills and interests.

Do just go ride a bike or something, go for a walk in the woods, or a drive to a new place. These things you can do alone and then you can tell people about your experiences.

Do go for a long road trip cross country if you have the vehicle and ability. Seriously- it's a life changing experience.

Do look for the positives in things because, well, why not? Why punish yourself by being so self-hating? Make your life more effective and efficient and just look at the bright side of things and remove negative thoughts. Forget about them, they're done.

Do send me a message about what kinds of games you like or anything else. I'm curious. Do you know a lot about computers? Maybe you can help me because even though i'm the head of the computer aided manufacturing dept of my company, i still am very numb-headed when it comes to seting up my home network. My email is ***@****

Also, and this is very important but hard to explain. You've got to concentrate on things you're good at, but also find new things that you didn't know you were good at. If you're the computer type, take a shot a trying out some type of mechanical hobby. I went through 42 miserable jobs over 10 years before I found the perfect one.

Just keep it cool and don't be hard on yourself.

-later

Adam

[adamIScool]

Hey man, I don't get what you're sad about. If your freedom is staying home alone then just do that. There's no rule that says we have to go out. I love spending all my time at home. I hate going out in social places, always have. (i'm married so i have more respect for my wife and daughter than to do this but) I'd love to come home from a long day at work and plop on the couch in my underwear eating cake frosting out of the container while watching episode after episode of whatever. Don't get me wrong- i'd also have dorito's in addition to the cake frosting. Better yet, I'd just have a TV in the bathroom.

Maybe i'll invent a new type of housing just for men. It'll be very small single apartments. Each one would be about 6 feet by 6 feet. There's one lazyboy recliner in the middle that has a toilet, fridge, microwave and whatever else built right in. The tv and video games would then fit in the other small areas of the room. Showering would be provided by some type of single spicot. The soap/cleaning product would be 1 single bottle for hair and body and the whole apt. And since they're for men only, there'd be a commercial sized air conditioner in each unit. Sound like a plan?

The woman's version is still in R&D. I'm having trouble finding a place to keep all the toilet paper and bottles of lotion, shampoo, conditioner, facial peel, dead sea facial scrub, body cream and the industrial sized heater.

[airannie]

Wow! One thing is certain, James.  You've gotten the attention of lots of great people with your post.
I can't add anything, but as a 74 yr old survivor of anal cancer, who is also agoraphobic (it doesn't improve after cancer treatment:).
My thing is: enjoy my space...it is a small apt which I have made my own with bright red and pink shades, botanicals in large vases, and I like staying here now.
Who says you have to be racing around (usually in circles lol) to be a valid person??

Need to mention that I don't look my age: a bit of nip and tuck, outlandish (to some) outfits which showed my great figure off..kept me in the game until the big C.

Retirement was a b...., followed by anal cancer.  Well I've survived.  What I want is a good computer...am sitting on floor with a rebuilt iBookG4, wishing I had a better way to work. Agree that computers can be your best friend right now and maybe forever.

I don't have any moral thingy about choosing when to die, but you have gotten some super advice here...so you absolutely know you can talk about problem!!!

[VxFaithlesSxV]

...Though not illegal and may seem strange to some of you... I just wanted to say... Alot of problem's seem to come from people think other's are judging them and even if they are, so what...

There is one place to go, where you'll be surrounded by people, i am agoraphobic, depressed, and have frequent anxiety attacks and some nights... I go to the most remote graveyard i can think of and just go for a walk... the only place in the world where your going to be surrounded by people, but noone's judging you, worried for you, talks to you, ... And sometimes it even helps to have people "listen", these people will never patiently wait for their turn to talk.