When will this end??

My day begins by just deciding to get out of bed. Then I think my kids need me.. so I drag myself out of bed and get them ready for the day ahead. After I drop them off at school is when the problem begins. I have things to do, but I just can't get myself to get out and do them. I have lived with agorophobia for 5 years now bi-polar for almost 14 years, ADD for all my life, I have tried suicide several times and even failed at that. I just PANIC/freak out when I go into public places, especially when there is alot of (strange) people. I almost passed out at a local Wal-mart because of the holiday crowds last year, it was crazy! And don't even ask about having to go to the grocery store. I have made a list, memorize where everything is in the store so I can get in and out as fast as possible. If something brings my mad dash to a halt or a slow down there I go freaking out again! I hate this. I sit around and shake and nervously twitch my leg. My kids say, "mom your doing it again." I honestly don't realize I'm doing it and when they say something I feel embarrased, not just for me, but them also. I am currently going through a seperation and it is for the better trust me! I have been to a doctor for more years than I can count, I am on several medications, been in and out of the hosptial and yes I have talked to therapist. The medications seem to be helping, I am not hearing the voices that kept me awake for nights on end. I fear now I have some how passed this onto my daughter, she is also bi-polar, ADHD, mood disorder, OCD and ODD. I want to help her also, right now medication is really improving her. I have seen such good progress in just the last couple of weeks with her. But my question is this. Will this every get better or is this just part of my life? All I want is compainship, a little attention and happiness, is this too much for someone like me to ask?

[Julie359]

Ohh hun of course not, u deserve to be just as happy as anybody within this world.... I know exactly how u feel though, i too have agoraphobia and struggle with going out and about in a big way.  Can't get into my local supermarket... if i have an appointment with my doc i tend to miss it cause i get so panicked by leaving the house.  I am only able to go a couple of roads away right now and need to be able to travel freely without restrictions like urself.

I ask myself all the time if this is going to be part of my life forever more and all i can say is i seriously hope not..... So i am now taking very small baby steps in going forward and making sure i get out and about each day, even if only for 10 mins at a time.....slow exposure is the best, step by step....don't force urself to do anything ur not ready for.  Instead of when going into the store and getting everything at once, maybe split the trip in2 a couple of trips over the course of the week, so it takes the pressure off of u and if u find u can't get go back can't u ask one of ur children to help u out or even go with u, so if u need to leave in a panic u can do so in a safe way instead of leaving everything u have behind.

I now do online food shopping so the majority of it gets delievered to my home for a small fee, which i find a God send and things i need throughout the week i go to my local shop to get or if i'm feeling brave i'll travel down to the high road and spend a short time there.  

You have to believe that this will not be your life forever, cause otherwise what is the use in living....if i knew this is it i would kill myself tomorrow, trust because this is no life to live.  It's hell on earth!!

Be strong and take baby steps!! Hope if nothing else it helps to know there are people going through the same thing and ur not alone.

[myersnpooh]

Thanks for your post means alot, means alot to know I am not alone and just learning this online. Yes it is a living hell! I ask myself daily is this it?? And you gave the same answer I did, I would kill myself if it is. So tired of this anymore. I just sit and cry anymore, sometimes I don't even know why.
I recently met a man online and he is super sweet, but my fear is meeting him in person and having to tell him the ugly truth. No I haven't told him about my illness in fear of him running away like the rest, just like my ex (still in process) husband.
Online ordering huh? Do you have any links or suggestions? I am on a tight, TIGHT budget so I will have to see. Living on disabilty is a pain! Yes I have a son and a daughter to help out. My son is almost 14 and he is my God sent angel without him I know I wouldn't be here today. I might try 2 trips instead of 1 maybe that would help out, never thought about it honestly. And he is getting old enough to try a list. I might try him on one next month and see how he does. He might end up being my little errand boy LOL.
Thanks again for the post, really meant alot.
You know what is strange? My favorite thing is to get in my truck and just drive, I get lost and try to find my way back home. It is my safety cave! I am alone and free in that old beat up Ford. I don't know why it helps or when I started doing it, but there I feel no strange eyes watching me, no crowds pressing in on me nor feel like I'm going to make an idiot out of myself.

[MrGreen]

You know what got me out of the house after 10 years? I met a girl online. It gave me that big push I needed to fight back and be able to go out again. So that part could be a blessing in disguise for you. We were not even in the same country. I remember I used to go on a train. One stop at a time. Then come back. Next day, two stops. I did it all slowly until I felt comfortable with the new feelings that were hitting me. If I was ever going to meet this girl I knew I had to be able to go out and about. She came over here to begin with. I told her all about me. My problems and the likes. But the biggest ever step I took was going over to live with her. Meant trains, a ferry and three more trains across Scotland. Nearly 15 hours of travelling alone. I used to fear going near trains. OK, so it didn't work out. I was over there for a few months. But I took so much from that. That I could do things if I really wanted to. All I needed was that something worth pushing harder for.

Now can we take a few steps back. I was a cutter. Not of trees. My arms. Not to kill myself. More just to feel the pain. When I was bad i would cut myself and pour TCP on it. The end result of that was having to wear long sleeves in summer to hide the scars. It is not something my family ever knew about. They still don't. It was always my big secret. Self harm. But the more you get used to the pain the more you tend to cut deeper the next time around. It's a mugs game to be honest. You have it in your head that the pain of the cuts will be greater than the strength of the panic. So the panic will stop. Bit like distraction. Give the mind something else to focus on. It is not something I am proud of at all. But it was part of my life.

The way it seems to work with me is that i get on a roll. I can do things. But I do get setbacks from time to time. My main symptoms may change too. Panic used to be the biggest worry. Now i am 100% emetaphobic. Fear of throwing up. This pushed its way in. Well, I let it push its way in. It took over my life. So I had to get over that. It still haunts me to this very day. My biggest fear. I do go out. But not that far. I have my limits. But after a decade in the house anything outside the house is a plus. It can be done. Just a case of never saying never. Wanting to fight back. Having that something worth fighting over.

Never give it. Your time might just be around the corner. in the shape on this online person. He may just help you to get back outside once more and enjoy your life.

[doctora]

I also am agorophobic, as far back as I can remember, and I am in my mid 40's now. Like you I am also bi-polar +++. I tried to commit suicide several times, thank gawd without success, and also had a brief fling with cutting myself.
For my panic/anxiety, I have to take either a Clonazapam or a Diazapam (in Valium family), and once I calm down, tell myself "Just do it", and literally force myself to get out of the apt. I have to admit though, I am currently in the mode where I try to make appt's only once or twice a week. We moved into our current home 3mths ago, and I have yet to go for a walk.
However, once I am out, mostly in areas like parks, or areas where people are not cluttered together, I appreciate it when I get home. I can think clearer, and it makes me wonder why I didnt do it in the first place.
But, as far as malls go, I try to avoid them, especially at Christmas, when people are suppose to be kind and happy, they are just the opposite. We now live 2 blocks away from one of the largest malls in Canada, and I am planning on doing my shopping on line. When I am put in a situation where there are a lot of people, I focus my attn. to the store I am going too, not all the faces around me, and I find that helps.
If it is a party situation, I now have the ability to change my persona. I will mentally prepare, and jump right in and converse with people, they dont know my problem. Its basically "fake it til you make it", the only symptom is that I will talk quickly and I may say something without thinking first, which my husband will give me "the look".
You will meet someone, of course. But maybe it will be during your walk, or even while you are doing errands.
For me I have accepted this as part of my life, along with my other issues. If they stop, all the better, if not, I wont be surprized.
You will meet someone, and there are men out there that will accept you for just the way you are, flaws and all, I did.
Keep up your hope, and try to get out by yourself at least once a week, it really does help.

[Julie359]

I too understand ur worry about meeting a guy and letting this guy know ur problems, and it's kinda hard because it's a real head stratcher as to when to tell him..... I think to myself 'well ok tell him right from day one, but then he doesn't know me and all the things thats great about me and so he'll just be scared off straight away....so then i say well let him get to know me then tell him, but then i think well by the time he has got to know me and me him, a bond may of developed and if after i do tell him he feels he couldn't cope with that then i'm gona get left hurt again and i feel like i've wasted all that time and energy and left feeling disheartened about the next possible relationship....and all this is even b4 i've met him...lol

However my friend reckons that the best way to go is the middle ground on this one.  So instead of telling him on day one of ur problems, let him get to knw u over a week to couple of weeks, depending on how often u speak to him on the net, then if YOU decide you like him and want to take the friendship further then be open and honest with him and let him know.  Then if he backs off he wasn't the right one for you and you can carry on looking and u don't get hurt too much...... One thing you have to remember and thats NO ONE IS PERFECT.... we all have bagage and problems from our past and present... I often forget that when i'm chatting to someone else about whats wrong with me, cause when they say ohh yeah i get panic attacks or yeah that happens to me, i'm sooooooo shocked like WOW seriously!!! LOL So, be gentle on urself.

As for the online shopping, i'm over in England and nearly all the major shopping strores do home delievery for as little as £6.  If u order over £40. then it goes down to £3.50appox and over £100 is free..... All u need to do is go onto ur major shopping internet site and register ur details and card details then hey presto u can start doing ur shop... It takes the edge off from the anxiety but i also do it cause i don't have transport and each week b4 i got ill again i use to take my little one's buggy down to the supermarket and pile all the bags on this and lose half a stone pushing it back, not to mention a wheel or two...lol  

[myersnpooh]

thank you also for your post. Wow you really did take a big risk, sorry it did not work out, but sounded like a great adventure anyhow! WOw cutting, I do hope it does not get to that point in my life. THat is a scary thought, but yes it would be nice to have something as a distraction, but no I'm not thinking of cutting myself.
Yes as I said in my reply to the other lady I love to get in my truck and drive. It is my little safety shell. But you said to be honest with this guy, I now start to cry just thinking about it... "What ifs" come in to my head. What if he does run like the rest? What if he laughs in my face? So I suppose it's part my depression and paranoie (spelling?) keeping me from saying the truth. I am the type to worry about what someone think. I just want someone to love ME, for me. I get used so much in life and I am tired of that. I just want happiness.
So I suppose I have to be honest and open with this guy (online) or he will not get to know the real me?

[myersnpooh]

Wow I did not realize that illness gets that serious. I suppose I am a little braver by going out daily to take my children to school and such. Wow we have somethings in common, I agree with you about the "holiday season people", it's like they change into monster around those times of the year! And I agree also malls, airplanes that sort of places is a big NO for me. The Wal-mart experience changed my mind and will forever.
And yes I have also done the "party thing", I babble on until I look completly like a fool. I only wish my (sson to be) ex would have done the samething for me. It is nice you have someone. Maybe one day, down the road I can find the same. I try getting out, like I said I have time between 7:30 AM and 2:30 PM, when the kids go to school. But I get soooo lonely and nervous I just sit here and stare at the walls or this computer all day and end up not leaving once again. During my seperation with my husband I go to my parents on the weekend leaving my daughter with him and my boy is old enough to take care of himself while at my parents, so again I am basically free again. Then there is the fact that my parents believe since I am still married in "the eyes of the Lord" and legally that I shouldn't be going out period, friends or whatever. This makes me sad, don't they want me happy or do I sit here and think about wishing it will all end. I suppose they want me to sit here with "him" until the property is seperated and the divorce is done. Don't they realize how miserable I am? And no we are not the type to talk, nor will we ever. OK sorry here I am babbling on once again. Thanks for your post it does trully feel good to know there is more people like me out there.

[myersnpooh]

OMG it's like your reading my mind about meeting this guy! These are my thoughts and I yes EVEN before I meet him!! Middle ground, hmm this does sound llike a good plan, smart friend you have there. I don't get to talk to him online much because of his work hours, 2AM to 4 PM, wow that's alot of hours a week for one person! He does seem sweet, but we meet for a few minutes outside a Wal-mart, yes OUTSIDE no way I'm going inside that mad house LOL, but anyhow sorry going off track here. But somehow we got onto the subject of commiting sucide, more as a joke for him, but he mentioned I would NEVER think about it or ever have. That worried me because if he takes such a strong stand on this subject what will he think when he finds out I have thought it and done it several times? So again here goes the panic sitting in! Ohh breathe I tell myself... Then again I haven't meet him but once so far.
Wow England! How is it living over there? I'll have to sit down one day, maybe today since it's miserably raining and see what I can find out online. LOL nice story about losing the wheel and buggy from your son. Again I am amazed at how much I have in common with you and other people on here. I would share this site with my parents, but I know they will be only sarcastic and judgemental, funny for one being a minister. So for now I appreciate any message, post from the people here. It truly is comforting.

[MrGreen]

You know I didn't want to tell my online friend about me. That took about a year online and the knowledge that we were going to meet. Pointless her arriving here and me saying ' Oh and by the way I can't leave the house '. So I figured it was best to be as honest as possible. Turned out she was telling all the lies. LOL. Hence it never worked out. You can't judge a person until you live with them for a while. A once off meeting can be lied through as well. It was only when I went to live with this one that I found out all the lies she had been telling. Funniest one was when she said ' By the way my husband doesn't know about you '. LOL. They were not living together. But I was told not to answer the phone, not to answer any knocks on the door. You know. In case it was him. Lucky I have a good sense of humour. I was writing letters back home and laughing about it all. Said I would be staying for while to see Scotland and when I saw enough I would be back home. I knew it was doomed from the off when she said I might have to go back home because of her husband. I could write a book about it. It was that funny. It didn't stop me metting someone else from England. I am in Ireland. She came over here. This was a few years after the Scottish fling. But that was doomed from the off. The countries may be so close but the culture can be a little different. No offence Julie. ( LOL ) We just didn't get on at all. But we had to meet to see that. Online everything was perfect. But online everything always is. She was leading a double life too. I seem to pick them. LOL. Had a partener for a year before she told me. More humour. No hate. Hate is a waste of time. Guess that put an end to my online adventures. I gave up chatrooms. No more really close online friends in that sort of way. But I was as honest with her as I was the first person. I thought I had to be. If she felt I was wasting her time I would rather she told me in advance. Jasus, turned out she was wasting my time. LOL. But at least it got me out. I never even suggested going to England. I knew there was nothing there. You can tell from the off. So if you do decide to meet the bloke you will know only when you meet him and spend time with him. What you tell him in advance I will let you decide. All I will say is to not tell him, may make him wonder why you didn't. He may see it as a lie on your part. He might be your knight in shining armour. So do what is best for you. Try to make it work. I know I just told of two negative accounts. But that was just to prove that us Irish are not always lucky. LOL. That is just a myth. This must be the first post that has nothing at all got to do with anxiety. Online to offline romance.

[doctora]

Im married to an Irishman, and his family, and I can assure you there is no such thing as Irish luck, only bad luck it seems. We are still waiting for the good luck to roll around it is way overdue....LOL

[Julie359]

What u like hey...LOL,  na no offence taken but just to say though i'm not like most other woman, i tend to be too truthful and honest.  It's a real shame ya didn't find ur princess but u will one day and u'll get some of that irish luck.....

You know around my area there is a big Irish community who even have their own local community centre, like 10 mins from my house and they make me laugh so much, when i see some of them i always get a 'Top of the morning to ya' and 'My shes's a fine lass'...haha ans even one time this guy said to me 'you wana come polish my shamrock'....LMAO!!! Dirty begger......lol  They are kool!!  bet ur more of a gentleman though D hey......lol

[Julie359]

You know i was gona say, but forgot in the last post, that it's really great that u can still jump in ur truck and head off when the feeling takes ya, do u find u can travel where ever ya fancy or do you have a limit?  I so need to get my licence but can you imagine me taking a driving lesson, i'd be going around and around in one circle, or drive up an down my for an hour....LMAO!! I don't know though, if i did have it i may be a little braver and go a bit further than i do now. Hav to laugh hey......

[Julie359]

thats mean't to say.... up and down my road for an hour....bloody computer it never does as it's told

[myersnpooh]

Wow your life is like a roller coaster, up and downs everywhere. I'm glad to know some day I can also look back and ponder on things. I suppose your right EVERYTHING and EVERYONE seems perfect online, then suppose you might meet that person and SPLAt right in the face things are wrong right off the begining and then maybe your right to, maybe one day who knows maybe it might be my knight in shining armor. I guess really only time and honestly will help me out.
And yes you really can't tell what that person is like until you live in close quarters. I found this out with my (soon to be ) ex, what a miserable 8 years they have been!!
And glad to see you still have a sense of humor about it all. If you would like to add me it would be my honor to accept. So far this weekend I have meet several culture of people and they all seem nice, I am glad to meet an irish man now LOL!

[myersnpooh]

LMAO that's too funny, it would do me some good if I found some irish around me it sounds like OMG LOL HAHAHA!! I needed that laugh.
Oh yes I love my beat up, rusted out old Ford, she's junk, but she is like my little cave I can crawl into and get away from everyone and everything. And yes I have drove to one other state, panicked and then drove quickly home LOL!! LMAO, I don't know you yet but the image that you put in my head of you driving will keep me laughing for awhile, thanks LOL!!

[MrGreen]

Us Irish laugh at ourselves. Can be all fun and games. It is the only thing that keeps us going in such a bloody wet country. Rains in between showers over here. You get used to grey days. I did once hear a rumour that something called the sun existed? No that for a moment I find hard to believe. LOL. Jasus. Now come on out of that. A warm object in the sky. Well I never.

[doctora]

Mr MrGreen; that indeed was very funny, dont feel left out, I live in Canada, and its been foggy and raining for days now. I hate fall and winter, gotta move to Jamaica!

[Julie359]

Yeah the Irish have the best sense of humour, they give as good as they get..... and hey MrGreen it's just as bad over here in London, at the mo it's peeing down outside and the sky is dark grey...YUKK!! We should all go invade Jamaica i think and soak up the sun..... but wouldn't that be something, all of us with a bucket of Valium just to get to the airport.  But MrGreen i think u'd have to stay sober so u can either carry or drag the rest of us onto the plane, LOL  We can make stop off's and pick everyone up.  The rest of us can just be totally off out nuts....LMAO  Ohh dear the life of an agoraphobic hey, nothing but fun, fun, fun...errrr NOT!!

[myersnpooh]

OMG LMAO I very much needed that laugh HAHAAHA!! Yeah I could imagin us all on a plane trip! We'lll all take turns being doped up and lay out in the sun until we're like leather LOL!!
Yes last week it rained all week, but this week it's cold but its 58 and sunny so I can't complain! I even drove home with the windows rolled down! But I say Jamica does sound a lot more apetizing!!

[MrGreen]

Agorophobics day out. What a blast that would be. You go first. No you go first. Feck off, you go first. It was your idea. No it wasn't. I'll stay at the back. Just pack the plane with Xanax. Rocket fuel. We won't know we even travelled. Until we haer a voice saying ' Hey man, you smoke de weed '. Then it can be all sun, sea, sand and, ok, I am the only male, I am aware of that, but I was gonna say surfing, I swear. Whistles and walks back out of the forum.

[Julie359]

LMAO!!!!!! Ok i'm peeing myself...... you know you wern't gona say surfing, you bad, bad man.....an yeah init we manage the flight but now no one will get off the plane, they'll think we're terroists, hey made be we could make a few demands, like i don't know take the plane to the beach.. HAHA...u know i'm laughing so much i nearly fell off the bed.  

  

[doctora]

Have you ever thought of getting into comedy, oh forgot, were agoraphobic.
You are so friggin funny!  Thanks for putting a smile on my face!!

but...the beach idea sounds good, I think I could muster up enough courage to get off the plane.

OMG.

[Julie359]

He could broadcast it from his frontroom.... HEY theres an idea D, u could have ur own comedy stand up show, via web-cam.....i'd watch it.  Far better than the web-cam viewing i tend to get, start chatting to some guy and the next thing i know he is waving his 'BITS' around all over the screen.....i'll tell ya the amount of perverts out there it's amazing.... OMG i'm giving away my secrets here..

Hey this one time i started chatting to this guy, i'd known him for about a week and we went on web-cam, at first all i could see was his face but after about 15mins or so of chatting he zoomed out and OMG i nearly fell of my chair, he was dressed in womans underwear!! Full works, suspenders, basque, thigh length boots...... well talk about traumatised, i couldn't finish my samwich!!

[MrGreen]

I always wonder what it would be like if two agorophobics dated each other? Would it be a good thing or a bad thing? Would they ever get to see each other. Fecken cheap date for sure. you get to take her to the garden gate and back. ' Wasn't that exciting dear, did you see the big bird that flew by, wasn't he amzing '. ' Yes, dear, it was much better than last week. No birds then at all '. ' Shall we go in a count our pills again '. i remember seriously the first time I went on disabilty payment and the first thing they gave me was a bus pass for free travel? Why? I was claiming I couldn't leave the fecken house.

The glory of web cams. You never ever know what you are going to see. Have done the cam thing a few times. Minus the ladies undies. No. I don't mean I was naked. What a nightmare thought. But the most amusing time was without a cam. A girl asked me, in a private message, if I wanted to cyber with her. Innocent folk that is sex talk. She asked me would I play with myself. I PMed her back and told her I was not a fecken octapuss. How could someone do such a thing and type at the same time? if they can they should be on ' Internets users got talent '. Used to make more of a joke out of such things. Getting messages saying ' I am naked wanna play with me '? I would write back it was bloody freezing, you'll catch your death of cold, and that would be the end of them.

In chatrooms you used to hear it all. Get all sorts of invites. Some are into that, others are just into having a laugh. * Folds up his mac and gets dressed *

[Julie359]

Oi oi, you fishing here? I can't imagine it would be a great idea, unless of course u lived next door to eachother....  You'd make the date to meet up and you'll both leave your houses only for u's to get halfway down the road to meet eachother, have a panic attack and turn and run back to home.....then spend the rest of the evening crying on the phone to eachother....hmmmmm???  Yeah sounds like it could work....;0)

OMG last night my next door neighbours must of thought i'd totally lost the plot, cause after i read ur last post i just couldn't stop laughing...half an hour later i'm laying in bed trying to fall to sleep and i just kept having the image pop up in my head and off i'd go again.... blimey it really tickled me.  I have very thin walls so they proberly thought someone else was doing the tickling.  

You wait till myerspoon reads all this i bet she's gona pass out.....lol

[MrGreen]

Fishing? Jasus. It's been that long I wouldn't know how to use it any more. LMAO. Nothing wrong with a bit of self laughter. Even if the neighbours things you are mad. Next time you see them just stand in the window with a knife in your hand waving hello to them. LOL.

[myersnpooh]

OMG ROFLMAO HAHAHAHA, I lliterally fell off my chair laughing LMAO!!! I am glad I live in a trailer and my neighbors can't here me because they probaly think I lost my mind finally LMAO HAHAHAHA!!! Your right you both could start a comedy via webcam.
DEEP BREATHHHHHHHH CALM DOWN LMAO I CANT STOP LAUGHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! {{walks away}}
OK I'm back now, wipe my face clean and trying to hold back the giggles...
Yes I can just imagine the date. They live next door, share an adjust window and swap pills back and forth and then they'll never have to leave their own houses LMBO!!!
And yes I agree I ALWAYS get the dirty guys on the webcams too! EWWWW!!! I was talking to this guy for about 2 weeks, seemed nice, so then we decided to go to the next step, yep pics, ok I was surprsied to find out he was black and no I am not racist, but I gave it another week, so this is week 3. So the next step, webcams. OK things started out okay, we saw each others face live, I was dressed normally for all you wondering! Pants, t-shirt, sock and the whole gear LOL. Then we progressed into talk and the next thing I look at his cam and there he is in his birthday suit! OMG this guy was hung like a horse! OMG LMA HAHAHAHAHA! I was so shocked and mortified I couldn't talk to him no more so I put him on iggy and never talk to him again! LOL And since then I haven't share my cam, I just say nope ain't got one LMAO!!
Oh and yes I can imgaine us all fighting over whos going to be dope up first. But I NEED to go first after this weekend. I had a break through, maybe it was, I'm still not sure {nervously laughs}! The guy I mentioned online, we talk and honestly talked. So we swapped cell numbers and decided to watch the big Ohio state football game together.
At first I was horrified, but I took a deep breathe and decided to try this. Well we got to the pub and I almost freaked! So he said my place is close by do you need to there and calm down, Oh boy by then I was like having a heartattack! So by then I didn't care he drove me back to his place, I past out on the couch and woke 3 hours later to him saying the football game was great, now what do we do!! I was never so more embarrased! But he was nice and said he understood and after the rest I was actually calmer so we watched a movie together and I then went home. I don't think I'll ever leave the house again! BUt he was sweet, he left me a voicemail asking me if I was ok and if I made it home ok. Yes I contacted him back and said yes on both. But it will be a long time before I try that again!
And yes Mr. Green I got the same thing when I first got my disablty, do you need a bus tooken, I just laughed and walked away HAHAHA!!

[Julie359]

OMG they already think i'm totally bonkers...I swear i think she bought her two dogs because she thinks i'm gona murder her in her sleep, if i were to start waving a knife at her she's get an electric fence with armed gaurds....

Hung like a horse hey, LMAO!! You know guys like that scare the crap out of me, i'm only little and the thought brings tears to my eyes.... but what is it about the net that makes guys go slightly demented? I had an old school friend quite recently entertain me with a shower scene, IT WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY!! I tell ya i've never seen a bar of soap disappear so much in all my life, yeah no more said, hense to say i bet ya all the tea in china he was farting bubbles for a few days.... N i feel soooo sorry for his flat mate washing his face first thing the next morning...ewwwww!!   Ohh i do have to say though i don't make it a habit of watching naked guys on web-cam, 'cough cough'...no seriously i don't.

And thats extremely funny, falling asleep on ur date, u must of been knackered, but at least he called u back which is a good sign......

So tell me people who would date a agoraphobic then?

[myersnpooh]

OMG I'M ROLLINGON THEFLOOR DYING!!! HAHAHA LMAO!!! It took me a second to imagine were the bar of soap was going, I am TRUE blonde!!! LMAO HHAHAHAHA!! Yes poor next person to use it LOL!!! Yes that is why I put him on ignore because just the thought of a man that size scared the he** outta me!
ANd not sure what "knackered" means, you'll have to explain that one. But in my defense I was drunk and totally terrified, LEARN FROM ME, these 2 do not go well together!! LMAO LOL LOL LOL!!!
OH yes go on a date with an agorpohabic their quite fun to watch LMAO!!
But on a serious ranting sort of note...How come I get online and meet all kinds of guys that love my looks and I'm not overweight, and my medical issues is so far not an issue, but like this weekend (in person) they acted like I was the blob! OMG am I that scary in person?!! And no it wasn't becasue I was freaking out either, I actually kept myself quit composed. Just wondering....

[MrGreen]

Good to hear you at least went out on a date. He was that interesting you fell asleep? He called you again. So he must be interested in you. Which is a good thing. Happy for you.

Who dates an agorophobic? Crazy Scottish women. LOL. I seriously don't think I have ever been out on a date as such. Because when I think about it I first got like this at about 20 yrs old. I have worked out that I get some every 10 years. How is that for maths? LOL. Jasus that means a wait of another 7 years before the next fling. The last one was a Yorkshire pudding. LOL. Not one for nite clubs and dinner dates. I leave that to others. I would ask what sort of date would an agorophobic go on? Be able to go on. A date to the front garden wall. It would be a cheap date. But the more time indoors the more you get to re-write the karma suitra. Always a good excuse. I can't leave the house. Come on upstairs. LOL.

[MrGreen]

Online you have only looks to go on. Just to answer that question. You can come across a nice person in what you write. We can all do it. But once people meet up it is only then that we are judged or we judge them. Suppose the more we tell people the more they wonder about us. Maybe they expected you to act in a different way. A worse way. But were surprised at how calm you were. But were expecting fireworks at any moment. Who knows. Who should really care either. You are who you are.

[Julie359]

Na knackered means extremely tired...lol, he must really like you to keep in contact after ur date and thats great.  I so hope that ur experience don't put you off going on another date with him, it would be a shame.  It sounds though that you dealt with the panic well and kept it together for the most part. You sound as if you managed well, so well done!!!!

What do you mean though they acted like you were a blob?  What did they seem put off?  Erm......i don't know, thats a bit difficult to say.  

Anyway, i'm off to bed, am nodding off as i speak, am just so tired......that propanalol makes me so relaxed, so anyway night night guys, have a good one and chat soon!!!!

  

[myersnpooh]

LOL it wasn't because is wasn't interesting, I was so stressed out that I actually passed out! Like I said embarrasing! Your so funny, I could use you in person, wait we don't leave our house LOL!! Wow and I thought I had it hard waiting for just 2 years, but 10 WOW good luck LOL!! WHOOAA the karma sutra, I always wanted to check that book out LOL!!

[myersnpooh]

Thanks, like I said I TRIED to keep my compusure LOL!!
LOL he said he enjoyed my company and would like to see me again. But I can tell that this friendship will only go so far. Due to his religious upbringing (Hindu/orginally from India) now a US citizen for 11 years. we can only be friends. I guess that's what I asked for and that's what I got. Oiii going on another date, might take some time for the next time. I just couldn't believe I stressed myself out so bad I passed out. Luckily he wasn't a weirdo or prevert or something LOL. I seriuosly could got into some trouble and that worries me.
Just people online say I'm pretty or beautiful, but you can see the looks on the guys faces at the pub and it would have explained it all. I was all dressed up, nice black jeans on, black boots, almost see-through pink blouse, hair and make-up on, but they just acted like I digusted them. I just don't get it. Do I look thinner on the wecam LOL!! Like I said I just don't get it.

[myersnpooh]

Keep me in mind, I have to go around a gym full of people this morning. My son is have a showing of his 3D art of the White House. OMG I don't wanna go!! But I am trying to leave the house, but keep thinking of excuses. It's now 8:27 and it begins at 8:30. Man I really don't wanna go. Talking an extra nerve pill see if that helps. But I'm freaking out, OMG can you imagine all the people in this one room ARGHHHHH!!! HELPPP!!! I was goin to make the excuse my truck wouldn't start, but then that wouldn't be fair to my son. What to, do what to do!?!?! Yes all my fingernails are gone once again!! OHhhhh, here goes...

[myersnpooh]

Ok pill didn't quit kick in so fast. There must have been 300 people in that gym! NUTS I'M TELLING YA!! My son, poor thing, he must have realized I was getting nervous, so he said, "Mom go sit down in the corner while I show my display." So I sat and watched him from a distance and I was so proud of him! I do hope he gets a good grade on it. I also wish I had a camera to take a picture on here, would have been great! Then as I sat and waited, he came and got me by the arm and said, "Mom it's ok now if you want to leave I would understand." AWWW almost broke my heart. So I asked him if he was sure and he said yes they already came around and graded him and now he just have to wait. So I stayed calm, twitched only some, and stay compsed. So that's over with, Oh geez am I glad!! LOL

[Julie359]

awwwww thats so sweet of him, and WELL DONE to you!! I mean that, it takes a far bit of guts when ur feeling so vunerable like that to get there and stay there. I hope you feel proud of urself...

As for guys thinking ur disgusting, more than likely they don't.... it could be ur nerves just taking over and making u think the worse??? Unless your 7ft tall or have size 20 feet then i can't see it personally...lol  Being anxious does make us hypersensitive to others and the way they see us.  Maybe right at this time in ur life a friend is the best way to go.  Having the strain of being in the perfect relationship and not freaking out everytime your with him can make ur anxiety and agoraphobia far worse.... it does mine.  So take the pressure off urself for a bit and try to get the anxiety under control first then once you feel more confident then take the next step.......

Hope ur having a great day....be kool xx

[Julie359]

p.s being so stressed that u passed out...like WOW, thats megar!!! and i was gona say when u first told us u went back to his place that it was a dangerous thing to do, seeing as you didn;t know him really..... it's a God send he wasn't a pervert after you passing out in his place, goodness knows what he could of done.  Tell me something though did he buy you the drinks at the pub?  You have to be very careful as it does sound a bit worrying you passing out like that, you were fully clothed when you woke up were you?  Just i hear alot about guys drugging their dates drinks and they pass out.......

I do hope i'm not giving you a heart attack here, but you need to make sure when at a pub you see and stay with ur drink 24/7 until you have fully drunk it and even go to the bar with him and take ur drink from there so u know he couldn't of put anything in it....Be vigialent at all times.... this is now my serious, protective side coming out now.  You have to look after yourself hun.xxx

[myersnpooh]

Yes I know I was worried alot trust me! But I have passed out like this in the past. I even done it one time in a new grocery store, so embarrasing I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die! Yes I have heard of the horror stories too and I made sure my drink was with me all the time, I don't care I even took it to the bathroom with me LOL!! And yes I was exactly where I was sitting when I sat down to breathe and just passed out instead. And yes I had everything in place where it was and he was even sitting and the other end of the couch when he just grins and say, "The game was great, win one!" OMG what a weekend and then having to go to that school thing this morning. I came back home and went back to bed, slept up 1 pm. My nerves are shot!
And no I don't think it's just me, before I had a few too many I would talk to some guys and they just looked me up and down and walked away and then a short time later I noticed they be hanging all over this super model looking type. I don't know I suppose if that's what they want then go for it. I am me and so far nothing I do changes that fact. NO I guess I am average, maybe a little overweight, but nothing much, because I hide it with my height most say. I am 5'9, 200 lbs, blonde hair and blue (turning slate grey) eyes. So to me it's not all that bad.

[MrGreen]

Glad to hear he wasn't a perve. That you were safe and sound. But do you not think it too big a step to begin with? Normally we talk about baby steps. Just doing small things to begin with. No. Not talking about that bloke who was hung like a horse either. LMAO. Going places were there are lots of people is far too much too soon. I would suggest just getting used to a local corner shop first. Stay in it for a while. No. Don't give the impression you are going to hold the place up. Don't hang about that long. You just have to adapt to the new feelings. But start off smaller. Don't run before you can walk. Because the fall is much harder.

If I am allowed say so you are a nice looking person. I am sure plenty of people would be interested you. Not sure if you read your blog? But I added to it. We have to let ourselves love ourselves before we let others love us. It is like we are accepting love into our lives. It is not been big headed. It is just a positive vibe. You can say something like ' I love and approve of myself '. Once you do that you will be open for love. The love you deserve. It may not happen over night. But give it time. Because you have others things to deal with as well. Like getting back out.

I am sure you can beat this. But only if you take the right steps first. Smaller ones.

[doctora]

Geez, I miss the site one day, and you're looking at men hung like horses...I missed so much.
I dont have a web cam, and for that reason. If I were to see some guy drop his drawers in front of the cam, I would be liable to spit whatever Im drinking out my nose. That is something I dont want to see, right away at least.
Im totally in for the Jamaica thing - braved two trips there already, and love it there, but if you really want fun, you take a room on the naked side of the hotel, then you will see agorophobia at its best, trying to decide who would leave the room would be a major issue. The good part is most of the people there are hammered and you will never see them again - unless they like your parts..LOL

[Julie359]

LOL....i'll take a room on the naked side, OMG u guys must think i'm a perv!! I'm not really just a healthy female, in that respects anyways... Anyways I think Mr Green is fishing again...LMAO, Myerspoon ur luck is in..hahaha

Ok well me, i am totally shi**ing myself, in less than 2 hours i'm gona be faced with the pychiatrist coming to my house..... i just want it over and done with now as i wana know whats gona happen with my treatment, i guess it all depends on what i tell him/her so i have to be careful, i don't wana say i walk around barking at the moon otherwise straight jacket and padded room comes to mind.... so i will let u know if i come out alive....LOL

[MrGreen]

Just don't tell them you write perve things on a forum and you will be fine. LMAO.

[Julie359]

Well slap my thigh and call me George, i'm knackered!!!!!!  They have just left, so as u can see they didn't drag me off kicking and screaming, no straight jackets in sight...thank goodness.

They want me in the next couple of months to try the Paxil (paroxatine) again, but the doc wants my body to rest and recover from the other med's first, to make sure my system is clear and my brain chemistry settles.  In the mean time a mental health nurse will come and see me once a week and continue with the CBT at home.  They reckon they need to discuss my case further with a couple of their colleges to make sure they provide me with a good care plan as it's been going on over nearly 17years......

They both did comend me on the fact that i have done incrediably well with raising the girls, mangaing a home as well as dealing with all my other issues, with very little support, which made me feel good about myself.

So i'm gona go have a lay down now cause i am totally drained...... cried like a baby and panicked like a rabbit in headlights and have used up my energy so chat soon guys..... mwah xxx

n oi D, u know you love it.....LMAO!!! :0) abboga wooga woooooo

[MrGreen]

Well done to you. Seems like all went well. Shows that if we look ahead of things we can panic and worry over nothing at all. So they want you drug free for a while? That is what I am reading from that. To be sure everything else is out of your system. Just don't worry about that part. Take it as it comes. Be happy what you done today. It was a big step and you done good.

And if I was fishing, I would be fishing closer to home. So be warned. LMAO...j/k

[myersnpooh]

Yeah I do think it was a big step, but I tried fail and guess some day I will try again. Maybe not so much a big step as you suggested. Hung like a horse LMAO OMG!! and hold up HAhaha, yeah I needed a good laugh after this weekend. Between the date, the school thing and my ex acting like a total A** the last few days it's been rough. I seen the doctor the other day and she raised my paxil and one other one, I'm also forgetting it's name. So feeling pretty mellowed out right not, not dopey but just like WHATEVER to anything or anyone LOL!!
Thank you for the compliment, again thinking about irish men now, cause I have had a few talking to me here lately LOL!! YEs I suppose I do need to learn to love myself again, been a longggg time since I have, especially looking at myself, because I hate what I see. Like you also said small steps...one day at a time...

[myersnpooh]

Well I was just talking and things were going well and next thing I know he was in his birthday suit! OMG I about died! I put him on iggy and I haven't been brave enough to let him back on my list LOL!!
Hmm the words Jamica, naked/parts, and liquor make dirty things pop up in my mind LMBO!! hahaha now I am being the perv! LMAO!!

[myersnpooh]

Well done no straight jacket and your still online CONGRATS!!!!
And since were on th esubjects of pervs how come u keep talking about mrgreen going fishing LMAO!!!???
From my experience the Paxil works quit well, just upped mine and feeling pretty level now.

[Julie359]

Na i'm just teasing him, it's all in tongue in cheek...i'm sure he knows this and takes no offense.  Thats just the way i am, love to have a laugh and not be too serious cause life takes care of the serious part and lets face it life is too serious hey, so i tend not to be as much as i can.  You should see me with my kids...lol i come right down to their level, you'd think i was a 6yr old kid as well, i just love it.....So whatever i say it's all just for a laugh....don't take it serious, however if i cross the line then do tell me to shut up...

And MrGreen Thank-you!!!! yeah in hinesight there was nothing to panic about but it's the not knowing that does it......pppfffff.  N yeah thats exactly what she wants, for me to be drug free for a while, she wants me to continue taking the Propanalol but not to take the Paxil just yet.... she wants me to wait a couple of months but to continue with the CBTat home..... so i start from next Wenesday...yippppeeeee!!!!  

[Julie359]

ohh forgot to say Paxil is a great drug and so u should start to feel alot better now they have increased it...so what dose are you on?  I was on 20mg for the majority of the time i was on it....never really needed any more than that.... it worked wonders for me.  Hope it does for u too..... and thanks also....x

[MrGreen]

Worry not about us. We plonk around a good lot. I drop down to kiddie levels at times too. I do look after a friend's kids from time to time. That has included new born babies too. So you have to know how to entertain them and act silly. It is what they love. Plus it takes my mind off things too. Focus more on them. Knowing that I am in charge. Once they finish cleaning the house and digging the garden and washing the windows I may let them play for a while. LMAO.

It is good to hear you are both on the drug of choice. One you both like. I am kind of wondering if there will be any bad days for you Julie without some of the other meds you were on, as you wait for things to clear your system? Because to that one it does sound like you have to just stop taken whatever it is you are taken. No cutting down. Just stop taken it. Just curious.

Now where can I find an irishman for sale sign. Cheap to take care of. Does feck all and needs no house training. LMAO.

[Julie359]

It could that i'm am extremely tired but i'm not sure i understand what u mean.....yeah i'm a durrrr brain, lol.  Since first becoming ill iv only ever been on Paroxatine and Propanalol.... I stopped taking the Propanalol 6 years ago and just stayed on the Paroxatine... it's only been 5 weeks now that i've gone back on the propanalol and the doc wants me to stay on that, as it makes me alot more stable.  I haven't been on the Parxatine since March hense why i've fell ill again.. I need to go back on it but when i tried in June i had a severe reaction then the same to 5 other anti-d's, so the doc wants my nervous system to rest and clear b4 she re-trys me on Paroxatine...... Prob in January.  I think i'll be on med's for my anxiety, agoraphobia for the rest of my life cause without med's i'm unable to function.

Ok, i'm falling asleep here and it's only 1-30pm..... i can't even raise a joke for ur irishman for sale sign.....WOMAN DOWN, WOMAN DOWN........ SOS!!!

[myersnpooh]

They keep upping things, but for now here goes.. strattera 80mg, lorazepam 1mg, paroxentine 40mg (or paxil), ambien 10mg (or zolpidem), and seroquel 100mg. For now they are seeming to help, since starting to take the seroquel several months ago I am not hearing the voices that would keep my awake for 4-5 days straight! On these days I was like a crack addict, very high and like superwoman! LOL, laughing good and bad. With my bi-polar it is like a freaking roller coaster, but now things are stable. I know what happens when I don't take them, I missed them just for a few days and I felt sucidial again. So unfornately I guess I will have to take them for the rest of my life.

[myersnpooh]

Yeah I kinda of worry about u too Julie, thier not slowly tapering u off? Wow they done that once to me and I ended up in the hosptial for a month! I hope this does not happend to you.
MrGreen can u get my kids to wash and such LOL They won't do it for me LOL!!
You two are so funny I like getting on here and see the poking at each other. Thanks for the laughs. Julie I threw u a life buoy but I couldn't reach ya LOL sorry hehehe!!
MrGreen will u be available in say about a year to try to adventure to another country? LOL I will be single by then hahaha!!

[MrGreen]

Get me a Green Card. A Mr Green Card. Then I get into America. Then I have to raise my hand and take the pledge and learn the anthem. That bit scares me. Maybe I can apply to be the new Uncle Sam. Now the normal Irish joke here to Americans, seen as how a lot of Americans claim to have some Irish in them, would be to ask you if you would like some Irish in you. LMAO. But that's too rude to use. So I used it because it's me and I do stuff like that. Julie I'm fishing again. Only this time my rod is getting much bigger. LMAO.

[Julie359]

Oi Oi...... MrGreen has not only gone fishing, but now has jumped in the river...... His turned into Dundee!!!!! Watch out Myerspoon his telling ya his rod has got bigger......oooo lala!!  We're gona have to keep an eye on this irish stud muffin, he's getting fresh....LOL

[Julie359]

ohh p.s  no need to worry i cam off the parxatine back in March after 3months tappering...... i haven't been on it for a while now.... so don't worrrrrrrry!!!! mwah xxx

[doctora]

Why not try Canada, it's easier, and I do have Irish in me, when he feels like it..LOL.
Plus we legalize things that the U.S doesnt, and as far as a big rod goes...Canadian men really know how to use it with rarely using bait.

[MrGreen]

Gonna add a new pic to my profile. One for you ladies. Amazing what you can do with a computer. How I wish. Dream on says me. No getting over excited now. LOL.

[Julie359]

Well seeing as it's getting closer to xmas maybe we could see one of u in a santa's outfit....n by santa's outfit i mean the hat, beard and boots minus anything else....LOL Now that would make a good pic for the ladies.......I wonder where the Raindeer could go?

[myersnpooh]

OMG LOL u guys are 2 funny. Whoooaaaa haven't heard a man talk about his rod in over 2 years LOL... now you guys are turning me dirty LMAO!!! Well start memorizing the athem song and raising that hand, u never know what might happen LOL!!!
And wow canda and canda men sound like fun too! LOL!!!
I am glad JUulie that your slowing cuttting down on the meds, I know if a miss a few days wow look out! Like a ragin' B is coming out! LOL
Hmm now u got me thinking with the new pics, going to go do some searching LOL!!! HO, HO, HO!!! HAHAHA!!

[myersnpooh]

OMG u guys have to check out his new pic!! WHOOO AAA BABY!!!! LMAO!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[MrGreen]

Never mind Santa. This hasn't even got a hat on it. LOL. Julie is dying to sneek a peek. She knows she is. We all know what you are like by now. LMAO.

[Julie359]

Oi....... I'm a good girl i'll have ya know!!! Errrr in my dreams...LOL  n just purely out of curiousity, where would one find that pic, not that i'm in the slightest bit interested...????  Hey...what just happened there, my nose grew about a foot in length... and by what what i'm gathering so did MrGreens rod...ooo misses!! HoHoHo...  

[Julie359]

OMG...... just went to investigate people and HUBBA HUBBA!!!!! Muscles from brussels has nothing on u D, purrrrrrrrrr meaow....lol  Let me know how ya did that cause i've got a killer to show ya's.....mwahahahaha

[MrGreen]

How I did what? Explain yourself. I just woke up and I was like that. I swear. LOL.

[MrGreen]

Go to a site called faceinhole *******. You don't have to join like it says. Just do the image out and save it using your mouse. Right click and save as. You can be a dolly bird in seconds.

[Julie359]

serious!! but whats the ***** stand for?? its a swear word but thats all i can work out...lol

[MrGreen]

You can't even use the word  D. O. T.   C. O. M on here without them blocking it out. That's what it was...lol I wonder will it come out now. The word I mean. LOL. If you see more dashes it didn't work.

[myersnpooh]

LMAO u 2 are hilarious. I told ya WHOOOAAA on the pic LOL that's 2 funny!! My morning is already going sour, help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Julie359]

Why whats going on? are you ok........ if you want a quicker response you can inbox me anytime you know.  I get a email alert with inbox messages but not on here.

[MrGreen]

A sour morning. Did the bloke leave a sour taste in your mouth? No. Don't answer that one. I'm Dr Phil. I can imagine it is kind of like a big come down. Back to reality after such a great weekend. You were on such a high. Going with the flow. Now. Bang. Back down to earth. Am I even close? I say that because it happens. We get on highs. Natural ones. No weed needed. But then we can just be our same old selves again a day later. And it can kind of confuse us. Because we want to be on that high. Up there. Living it up. This is just me guessing again. Let us know what's on your mind and we shall see what we can do.

[myersnpooh]

JUst yesterday was a down, very low down day. I couldnt hardly get out of bed, I sat around and cried all day. Then my soon to be ex was acting like a 2 yr old child again! God I don't know if I can handle this much longer!
Today I took my son to Children's, what a mess! It took me over an hour to get there and normally it's only like 30 mins or so. Finally got there and had to wait on stupid elevators, no way am I getting on a crowded one and my son knew it. He would look at the number of people in one, then look at me and say pass. Poor thing learning to take care of his mother already. The drive there and back wasn't so bad, safely in my truck, just me and my son. But walking into the hospital was nuts! People everywhere u look, I tried to go into the restrooms to catch my breathe and there was even more people there! OMG did they all crawl out of the woodwork or what!?!
Like I said in another post I got an offline from the guy I have been seeing, so I guess that's a good sign.
My biggest thing right now is my soon to be ex acting like such a child. And I'll sit back and watch and he'll do stuff on purpose just to get my son all in a uproar. I'm saying agin, by June if they haven't called me for a place I'm moving into my truck or finding a shelter.
We fixed dinner last nite and as usal my nerves are so screwed up I get sick. Funny thing my parents noticed that we (my son and I) don't get sick when were down there. SO it's either my nerves being around him or somethin funny is up. I'm on guard now and I fix dinner fast so he's not fixing it.
Then last nnite my daughter had one of her bi-polar meltdown, OMG it was bad. Banging head on bar, scratching herself and crying like it wouldn't stop! I sat her on the chair for timeout, but with her father egging things on that didn't work but 5 freaking minutes. I just gave up, told her to eat her dessert, brush her teeth, lay out her clothes and go to bed at 7 PM, I DIDN'T CARE NO MORE LAST NITE!!!
And to top everything off, I carry a jug of gas in the back of my truck incase I run out, since the ex broke the gauge, someone stole my freaking gas! So now I have to put it in the cab at nite and lock it up. It stinks in the morning, but at least I got my gas now.
Ok I think I'll play MrGreen and start banging my head on the wall, what the heck I already put a hole through it with my fist! Yes I have been very angry lately!!
OK I think I'm down venting now, deeeeppppp breatheeee!!!!

[myersnpooh]

PS and yes you hit the nail on the head, I wish last week never ended!!!

[MrGreen]

I know it is easier said than done. But is there no way at all you can go elsewhere for now. Until your new place is handed to you? The longer you have that fool about the more he is going to get to you. I am sure your kids won't be sad to see him go either. Staying in the same house as him is not right. We both know that. But you need to start making a list of things he does to the kids. To freak them out. Even tape him using a dictaphone. For when you do come to seperate you will have all this over him and he might be advised to just walk away without a fight. As it stands he can still remain part of your life after you do split because of the kids. But if he is seen as an unfit parent / dangerous to their safety there is no way he will be allowed near them. Hence I say it is time to start doing some work. This might also help you out. Just to know inside that you are doing it to use against him. It will be like fighting back. But he won't have a clue what is going on. Dictaphones can be tiny things. Digital ones. They are also cheap. Put it in your pocket and he won't even know it is there. He sounds like a useless father as it is. But he may just use the kids against you at the end of the day. This is to make sure he can't do that. We want to be ten steps ahead of him. And we will be. The sooner you begin the fight back the better it will make you feel. plus you are not only doing it for you. Think of your kids. You are doing it for them too. Be like a little secret game you are playing over the next while. Might make time fly by. Might make all his bad words sound even better. Because you will know they are been taped. To use against him. It will show mental abuse. Both of you and your kids. You can keep diaries too. Of things he has said and done. Just start to get ready for that big day. When he is gone and you have your life back.

[myersnpooh]

Yes this is a good ideal, but only problem is he doesn't say much it's in his actions. HMMMMM.... Like a 2 yr old nick picking and poking the other child when the other parents isn't looking, know what I mean?
Trust me all we have to do is grab our clothes at a minutes notice and were out of here, nothing else belongs to us. Our stuff is all in a storage unit for the last year. My parents want my son to come down to stay with them and finish out school. They are worried things are going to get more physical between my son and the soon to be ex. It would be good for him, but I just don't know if I can survive without him.
My parents said they would take us both in if they had more room, plus if we did live with them for awhile it will screw up my mom's disbiltly and other such goverment things. So I don't want to do that to them. Just thinking about my son's safety for now...

[younggrandmother]

Have you considered a restraining order? It is worth looking in to. I don't know how it works if you live together. If he is the only singer on the lease you might have a problem. If you both are singers on the lease,he will have to find a place to stay till it goes before a judge.What would it hurt to just get the information maybe it is something that would work maybe not, but knowledge is power and any time you can get the upper hand on your (soon to be ex) is good. Please remember emotional abuse is probably worse then physical,and it is grounds for a restraining order..... It is just a idea, I hope you and your children will find the peace you so need and deserve this holiday season.

[myersnpooh]

Thanks for the ideal. but unfornately I moved in with him and he has never told me the truth who's name the trailer is really in. One month he tells me we're paying land contarct to own it. Then the other month he says we're paying rent, so who knows. I am just trying to keep my head above water for right now, gets too much wrse I will have to let my son go with my parents and Iwill eave in  my truck, dn't know where and just don't care anymore. And yes aother blow up happened just this morning! Like I might have siad before I think he is egggin my son o just trying to get him to blow up and hit him and then he's going to be the one calling the law. But I won't lt that happen. I have already had a talk with my son and told him NO MATTER wha you don't be the one to hit first.  And if by chance I am not here and he does then call 911, but anymore I don't leave them alone anymore. Like I sai I'm just holding my breathe for now....

[MrGreen]

Are there no shelters over there that help people who want away from abusive husbands? Somewhere you could go to seek help or advice in that part of your life. Because I think getting rid of that problem will take a great weight off your shoulders. It is like you have so much going on at once. When maybe you should break things down to one thing at a time. Number 1 been to get help about the abuse and see is there anywhere that take people in. There must be something. Some kind of set up over there. More about finding it. Been strong enough to go through with it. And ditch the idiot once and for all.

[younggrandmother]

So sorry to hear that your day started off bad, Hope that it got better. I Know  you said that you mother could lose her government assistance if you move in with her. Can she say that you are just visiting??????  Is there any type of...........salvation army or other organizations like that in you area. Maybe they have funds to help someone in your situation . People tend to be more giving during this season it worth a try. Stay safe, talk to you soon, Your Friend Young/gma