Whether its Agoraphbia or Just plain on Anxiety its still trying to control me, but i'm a fighter....

I am a 37 year old male who has spent 17 years in the United States Air force and has never had a problem with anxiety until december of 08.  I have always been claustrophic for as long as I can remember but have dealt with it in my own little way.  I have read many articles on how a traumatic experience can cause one to have anxiety but that isnt the case with me.  I would like to think that the stressors that I deal with on a day to day basis are normal, so I dont know where this came from.  Here is my story ==>  I have always been a person who would rather dive somewhere than to get on a plane, not just because of my claustrophobia (because I have flown before) its just that I love to get out and see things, but in December of 08 it all changed.  I was driving back to Colorado Springs from Tampa Florida and was almost home when it all started.  I was on Interstate 70 West in Kansas heading to Colorado (which I have driven on 100 times before) and if you have been on it, you know that its absolutely nothing out there and for some reason my mind started wondering, what would happen if I broke down out here in the middle of nowhere and couldnt get help, and thats when it happened......"BOOM", I started shaking, my heart started to race, my breathing got faster, my legs felt like jello and I honestly thought that I was going to die.  By the grace of god I made it back to Colorado Springs and went to the doctor to find out what happened to me.  I explained everything to the doc and was told that i had an anxiety attack, so of course i went home and got on the internet to find out what this meant and have read everything under the sun about it but have not gotten any closer to beating this thing.  I made an appoitment to see a mental health specialist on the Airforce base and was told that "I can beat this thing" and to not give up.  She told me that since i havent had this my whole life and it has just been happening for the past couple of months, the sooner I face it, the better chance I have of getting past it.  I have been prescribed Zoloft, and Xanax and havent taken any of it because I am wanting to beat this thing without depending on medication to get me through it.  It has gotten so bad, that my attacks come if i am drving on a dark road with minimal lighting, when its foggy out, or out on the open roads.  I was told that I might have a form of Agoraphobia and if i do, I feel that my case is not as bad as some of the individuals that i have read about.  My doctor told me that the best thing to do is to not avoid the places that make me feel uncomfortable, but to get out on the highways and dark roads and face my fears, which I plan on doing very soon.   I'm glad I found this anxiety forum which lets me know that i'm not alone, and if there is anyone one out there who can relate to my situation and has some input on how to beat this, please respond.  I'm trying not to let this take over my life or my marriage, but its a struggle everyday.  I'm going to get back out on that dark road, and eventually get on the highway and see how i react, so please pray for me.  I was told by my doctor that once i get back home to my family and some of the stress that i have in my life is gone, that the anxiety should be gone too and hopefully thats true because i want this thing out of my life for good.  I have good days and bad days but refuse to let it control my life.  I sometimes feel like staying in the house but I make myself get up, get out and drive around.  The two things that I havent done yet is drive on those dark rodes that had me frozen in my tracks or gotten back out on the highway yet and if I dont have an attack, instead of running, i hope that I can relax enough to fight that monster off.  Does anyone out there feel my pain?  Has anyone out there became Agoraphobic recently?  Can this thing be beaten?  How do you deal with it, and has it totally gone away?

[MrGreen]

Most of us have been as we are for over 2 decades. You are talking not leaving the house at all for over a decade. That is what the condition can do to a person when it is at its worst. What your doctor suggested is right. Putting yourself out where it hurts most of all. Exposure. In theory it is meant to make things easier each time you go out and about. The first few times will be the hardest. But the idea is not to run from the fear. But to sit it out and see that it can pass. Never an easy thing to do. Most of us are on medication to help us do such things. But I get out and about a lot. Once I wouldn't move outside the house. Indoors was my life. But I pushed and pushed harder. Until I could do things again. But in small steps at a time. Don't run before you can walk. I don't see you as been housebound. You can still go out and about. Keep on doing that. It is only when you stop doing that that the condition begins to control you. Bit like we gave into it. Had to fight our way back over years. But stop and take a look at where you are at as of now. Try and not let it get any worse. Small drives will keep you going. Just keep going out. Hard as it might get. It will be worth the effort. Wish you all the best in fighting this. We are always here.

[ducky8]

Mr. Green is right.  So is your doctor.  I've had agoraphobia in different degrees for the past 43 years.  About half of those years have been spent in the house.  It's a terrible disorder, but it doesn't sound like it's gotten a hold on you yet.  It sometimes sneaks up on us.  For instance, you might get an anxiety attack in the grocery store, so you stop going to the grocery store.  Then you get another anxiety attack in a restaurant, so you avoid restaurants.  And your world gets smaller and smaller until you find yourself in the house and avoiding everything.  
But it CAN be beaten, and the sooner the better!!  Get going as soon as possible to face the fear of driving on dark roads.  Maybe take someone with you the first few times, then later have someone follow you in another car.  Babystep it and you'll be fine.  Like Mr. Green said, it's not always easy, but it's sure worth the trouble.  
I just want to say that these types of fears don't always lead to agoraphobia though, because my husband gets anxiety attacks when he crosses bridges and goes through tunnels, but it hasn't escalated into anything else.  It's a tricky disorder.  
Our thoughts trigger the anxiety, so try not to believe everything you think!  
Let us know how your babystepping is going, and keep fighting the good fight!!
DUCKY

[MRLEWIS]

Thanks for your comments and kind words.  You said that you have been dealing with this for the past 43 years, do you know what it was that caused it, and I know that its a daily battle, but do you think that this is something that can be beat? I have been told to take baby steps, so I did last night.  I had a very bad panic attack on this dark road in Colorado Springs, so last night I went back out on that road but had a friend in the car with me. Actually before we even got into the car, I was feeling a little nervous but I didnt turn back. The only two differences is that it wasnt the exact time I had driven in it before and there were alot more cars out there, but I actually put myself back in the situtation.   I sitll felt a little anxious, I could feel my heart starting to race a bit and my legs got a little weak, but I pressed on and made it (with the help of a friend).  I know that I have a ways to go to beat this thing, but I was proud of myself to actually get back out there and face it.  I am holding on to the Xanax just in case I need it but hopefully I can get through this road block by just putting the pedal to the metal, holding on with both hands and busting right thru.   The mental health nurse has given me some tools to use, like breathing techniques, getting your mind on something else, the old paper bag, etc but when I am in those situations, its easier said than done to slow my  breathing down.  I never realized how powerful the mind was until I had my first anxiety attack and actually didnt feel people pain when they would tell me about their episodes.  Its crazy, because i know that it cant kill me (even though it feels like it),  I know that its more than enought air around me ( but it still seems that i cant get enough) and I still buy into the game.  I purchased a book called "Panic Away' which i am still in the process of reading, but its not really helping me at all.  I also have heard about a book "The Anxiety Cure" which I am going to go check out and hopefully it helps me get closer to the finish line of beating this.   A part of me has came to the realization that we can read 50 books until we are blue in the face, but it all starts with us.  We have to face this thing called ANXIETY in our own ways and never give up.  This forum is a piece to the puzzle of me dealing with it, me actually getting out there and facing it over and over again is another piece, practicing the techniques is another and so on and so forth.  when the "Fight or Flight" mechanism kicks in, I dont want "Flight' to even be an option.  Thanks to everyone who comments back to me with their words of advice and wisdom, keep them coming.

[MRLEWIS]

OH!  I forgot to mention that A&E has this series coming on tonight called "OBSESSED' which follows people who have different forms of anxiety... check it out and let me know what you guys think....

[ducky8]

CONGRATS on getting out there and facing down the monster!!  YOU DID IT, and you can do it again,   .............  and again and again.  Desensitization is the way to do it, in babysteps.  It really does work!!
As for me and my battle with agoraphobia, I've had housebound years, and I've had years of complete freedom.  It's come and gone my whole life.  I have no idea what triggered the first attack, but it was a doozie, and put me the house for 2 years that time.  I never went through the experience of my world getting smaller and smaller.  I just went in the house and didn't come out again.  But that was so long ago, and no one knew what was wrong with me.  I hadn't even heard the word "agoraphobia" until maybe 15 years after that first attack, and I remember being so relieved that there was a name for it and I wasn't really crazy.  
Do I think it can be beat?  You bet I do, for some people.  It keeps coming back for me, so I supposed I'm really not one of those people.  All you can do is play the hand you're dealt, whatever that may be.  
It could be that you'll only have anxiety on dark roads and it may never go any farther or carry into other aspects of your life.  
You're doing a good job...........Keep up the good work, and keep fighting.  
DUCKY

[MrGreen]

I will second what the Duckster has said about the fact that it can be beaten. I am back out and about. I used to avoid everything. Trains were a nightmare. Now I am on them almost daily. It was with the help of medication, theraphy ( I still see a councilor ), and some hard work by myself, that I managed to get back out. Easy to take tablets and do a lot of talking. But you still have to face up to the demons. That is what makes it feel like you have beaten it. When you see yourself out there and you feel good about been out there. It is a hard battle. Well all have setbacks. But they can make us stronger. As we know we have done it before. So we tend to push harder. You done well by going out. Give yourself credit when it is due. Nobody is saying it has to be done in a week or a month. It takes time. Allow yourself the freedom of time. Bit like retraining yourself all over again. But it will be worth the fight.

[MRLEWIS]

I feel like I took a major step in the right direction by getting back on that road and facing it.  I still have anxious episodes throughout the day when I think of highways, dark roads, etc but I take it all in, process it and deal with it at that time and it goes away.   I'm getting medically retired from the USAF after 17 years and moving back to Tampa Fl,  which should be a good thing, but the thought of me having to drive back, gets in the way of all the happy thoughts.  The Highway that I drove on to get here was I-70 which I have to take on my way back. Well, there is another way to go, but a part of me wants to get back out on 70 and deal with it and another part of me doesnt.  My wife said, that if its just the highway driving, then any old highway should do.    I have until 1 July to get to the point to where I can bare being out there.  What I plan on doing is 1. continuing to go out at night and drive around to get that part under control as best i can and 2. Do some highway driving with a friend and see how i handle it.  Pray for me, as I do for everyone in the world, and i will keep you guys posted on my progress..

[Hkane]

You posses amazing courage to face your fears.
Might I recommend a book?
It is called the Anxiety Cure and it pretty much saved my life AND saved me from a life of being medicated [sedated].  The book taught me several key things.  An important one is that no one has ever DIED from a panic attack. A pretty good mantra when you start getting that PRE-anxiety feeling.  Apparently no one has ever fainted from one either - it is hard to fathom that, but I have proven it true!
I consider my anxiety my "monster" and I talk to it.  When I feel him poking up his ugly head I literally say [out loud] "NOT TODAY...Not NOW!"
I thought I was going to have to lay my motorcyle down in a tunnel a couple months ago.  It was horrible and came at me without any warning.  On Memorial Day I almost crashed when I realized I was on the street with that tunnel [it goes under LAX] - I started telling myself - that I could do it, I would just focus on the end of the tunnel, my MONSTER was going to loose and for Pete's sake it's a tunnel I have gone through a 100 times in my car.  
The blocks just prior to the Tunnel were hell, but I made it to the other side with a much lower leverl of PANIC than the beginning.
FIGHT YOUR MONSTER.  
The book also had me make a list of 10 situations that would provoke anxiety. I listed them from least to most and started working  the list.  
It also helps to have a friend [perhaps your wife] that is there to grab your hand or offer you that escape or perhaps a paper bag if you start to hyperventilate.
PLEASE let us all know how you progress.
Notwithstanding some debiliating anxiety, I travel across oceans, perform in public and drive cross country [sometimes in the dark :-)]
Focus on the light at the end of that tunnel.
YOU CAN DO IT!
~Hillary

[MRLEWIS]

I know exactly what you are saying and it is so true.  I am claustrophobic and always have been as far back as I can remember.  I am still battling the dark road and highway monster, but I know for a fact that I will beat this thing.  When it comes to tunnels, I have to go through one in Alabama on my way to Florida and it always gets me.  My very first trip, I didnt see the sign that said "Tunnel Ahead" until it was too late,and there was no place for me to pull off the road or turn around  so I had to face it.   As I got closer and closer my heart started racing, my hands started to sweat, my legs got weak, and it was hard for me to breathe.  I then turn the air conditoner on high, and moved all the vents toward my face so that I could feel the air blowing on me.  About 1 minute later, I was out of the tunnel and everything was okay.  The one thing that I think about everytime I go through the tunnel, is that something is going to happen to where traffic stops and i'm stuck in there.  Hopefully by the time i have to take that trip again I can use the tools that you used and get through it without a problem.   As each day goes by and I ride my motorcycle or get in my car, i know that i am on the right path to beat this thing.  The day to day anxiety is getting less, and hopefully by the time I leave Colorado Springs, I will have it licked... Keep me in your prayers and God Bless.

[MRLEWIS]

After reading a few post and talking to a few people, I dont know if I could label what I have "Agoraphobia" or "Anxiety" without offending individuals who's cases are much worse than mine ( and thats not what i'm trying to do ).  I know for a fact that getting out on Highways bother me and if the thought of it triggers a little anxiety within.  Driving on dark roads also bother me, and I have avoided them at all cost.  I see on here that some people cant go outside, to the grocery store, be in large crowds, etc but I dont have that problem, so would it be right to call what I have Anxiety too?  I'm still in the process of trying to get on the highway and shouldve done it this weekend but I didnt want to get out there alone.   I hope to make a trip to Denver this coming up weekend with a friend of mind and hopefully one day be able to do it alone.   I am going to tackle the dark road again, and keep tackling it until I can do it alone, which would make me very happy.  The Dr did prescribe me xanax, but I havent taken it yet.  I do keep it in my pocket just in case i have an anxiety attack and cant work through it on my own.  Since I know that this thing was maybe triggered by stress, depression, etc, I'm not in any rush to take a pill to help me with it.   I will keep everyone posted on how I do when I get on the highway or a dark road.  God Bless

[ducky8]

I also have a few xanax put away, but I've never taken any.  I went to the dentist once and had them with me, but didn't take them then, either.  But it sure felt good to know they were there "just in case"....
Don't worry about what to label what's wrong with you.  It's some sort of phobia, that's for sure, whether it be agoraphobia or claustrophobia or a little of both.  The point is that you're fighting it and winning!!!
I'm really impressed with your attitude of wanting to beat this thing, and going for it in a big way.  That's half the battle.  
I just wanted to say that I think you're doing great, and to keep up the good work.  Never give up and never give in!!!
Let us know how Denver was.  

[MRLEWIS]

This Morning (about 10 minutes ago) I kinda let it beat me.  Its was very foggy when I looked outside this morning and knowing that I have to drive in it to get to work made me start to shake, heart started racing, and legs got weak.  I just put on my uniform and headed out the door to try and face the fog.  I got into my car started driving and was doing ok for a minute until my mind got the best of me.  I made it alot further than I did the last time it was foggy out, but I still didnt make it, and it makes me upset that I couldnt.  I was concentrating on my breathing, trying to put my mind on other things, and then "BOOM" it hit me that I couldnt see anything in front of me or anything behind me, and I turned around and came home.  The anticipation of having an attack while I was in the car alone was a major contributor of it all.... I'm on my way back out in it and hope that I can make it this time....

[Hkane]

Rest assured anxiety is legitimate irrespective of the degree.  I watched a show called "OBSESSION" on television. I in no way am saying you should watch it as a substitute for treatment!! BUT...it shows people with varying stages of anxiety [a lot of OCD and panic] go through what is called "Exposure Therapy."  I think you should look into it. Maybe there is a trial. The concept is that you are exposed to your fears for a period of time.  The brain/body cannot sustain high levels of anxiety for any extended period. SO WHILE you are "exposed" the anxiety level comes down...WE learn that the OCD Brain or the PANIC Brain is talking to us and learn to overrule it.  A little bit like the book I worked through. BUT under psychologist supervision.  IT was amazing the strides that these people made.
I truly believe that all of us with that brain chemistry could end up home-bound or essentially disabled if we do not seek help.
IT really helps to have someone with you. The next time those conditions exist.  Try it as a passenger.
BUT really, look into exposure therapy. It is done by cognitive therapist not MDs so I would hope it is affordable.
Don't be discouraged by a set back.  It happens.  We try again!  
~Hill

[ducky8]

First, let me congratulate you on your determination to beat the anxiety!  You should be very proud of yourself.  With all the strength and focus you have, you'll get to the other side of this in no time.  
And that's what it's all about...........facing the fear and getting some good exposure to what you fear.  How did it go when you went out again in the fog?  Please let us know.

And don't worry about not making it the first time you tried.  As Hillary said, it happens.  After all, we have anxiety disorder, right?  There is no failure if you're trying.  It's just a little bump in the road to recovery.  

Stay strong and determined........You're an inspiration......
Ducky

[MRLEWIS]

The fog lifted a little to where I could actually see more than 2 feet in front of my car and I made it all the way to work.  I still felt the anxiety, but kept on going and refused to turn around again.  I think that the fog, and me not being able to see anything in it triggered my claustrophobia which is why it drove me crazy.  I am proud of myself for still getting out there in it but really want to get over this claustrophobia thing too.

A few friends of mine and myself went to Denver this weekend and I handled it better than I thought I would.  I think that the anticipation of having an anxiety attack is what I need to get past and I think that I will be ok.  There were a few places where my mind tried to take me back to that bad place (agoraphobic land) but I just wouldnt let it.  I looked out of the window and the blue sky, warm sun, and other people on the highway and just told myself that everything is okay, there is air out here for me to breath, and its a beautiful day.   I was proud of myself for doing it and will probably try again this weekend...

[wilts43]

Like Mr Lewis I don't know if what I have experienced is the same disorder those who are trapped indoors suffer.
As a boy I didn't like caves and I have always been frightened of flying, but this all seemed "normal".
But sometimes I would suddenly feel I was about to pass out, and I needed to grab onto something; everything seemed to go "unreal". "What was I?" "What am I doing here?" "Where is here?"
But these were only fleeting momentary episodes.
The first real event ocurred when I first went skiing in Austria aged 21. Not liking heights I had avoided a resort with cable-cars. But the first time on the solo-chairlift it seemed to go up and up. Then suddenly it stopped! I was left swinging in my basket about 40 feet off the ground on an unfamiliar mountainside. The unreality flooded over me; I had to escape, but how? There was no way out, off, or down; no-one to ask why we were stopped or for how long.
The following year I was on the summit of a Scottish mountain and nearly blown off in 90mph winds. The same attack ocurred. Since then I have noticed it happens in high, wide-open situations, but mostly if they are unfamiliar. In such situations I am overcome by my smallness and insignificance.
The fear is not so much physical as existential. I face the dread questions. “What am I? There is no answer. I feel the need for “shelter” (Walking into a house, or a shopping-mall, would immediately relax me) but there is none. There is nowhere safe, and I know in that moment, there is nowhere safe in this life, and I realise starkly the only way out of this is my death. And I feel so unreal that perhaps I will die in that moment.
The terrible thing is that I do not see this as just “an attack”. It is also a core-shaking realisation that this is the real situation in which we live, although we must live as if it were otherwise.
Sometimes I have felt an attack come on as I lie on a beach. I think of all the happy souls around me occupied in their thoughts and play and then I think what is above my head. Nothing. There is nothing above me, and all the others on the beach. There is nothing for unimaginable distances. Yes, I think there are more galaxies out there than there are grains of sands on all the world’s beaches, but this is nothing compared to the infinite spaces between each star let alone the overwhelming space between even adjacent galaxies. Above my head there is effectively nothing…for ever. And what is holding the speck that is me to this speck we call Earth? “Gravity”…a “curvature of space”. For a moment I wonder what would happen if I just fell up, into the endless, endless void that begins where my hair ends.
Then I feel unreal again. I have the urge to grab onto something, something solid, my own life perhaps.
Now I know that this particular train of thought is a modern angst because earlier peoples did not know the scale of space and time. But this does not help. It is the awful truth of it that scares me.

Things that have helped.
The sympathetic nervous system has to “kick-in” like lightening to be of any use running from Tigers. But the parasympathetic nervous system, that returns things to stasis, has no need to be sudden. It is slow.
So
(1)Try to let time pass.
(2)Much more effective, diffuse the adrenalin. If you are in a location where you can run, run…anywhere.

(3)Now this may sound a bit loopy. I have found going barefoot eased an attack! I don’t know if our modern life in insulative footwear, with the static charges we thus build up, can affect our minds or emotions or not. Perhaps it was just a relaxation association. But I felt literally “grounded” in every sense?

(4)Face the fears. I remember climbing a hill; going up until I felt odd, turning down till I felt OK, then turning up again. Over and over and over till I got to the top. I must have looked crazy to anyone watching.
This was a mix of graduated exposure and implosion.

(3)There may be a physiological origin.
(a)Walking uphill can make anyone feel light-headed. Perhaps this caused my initial feelings of “unreality”, which I then linked to certain places or situations.
(b)OBD.  (Organic Brain Dysfunction) is a  theory that poor balance overloads the brain. This is caused by poor reflex development in the crawling/learning-to-walk stages. So higher parts of the brain are forced to compensate, working hard just to enable a biped to maintain their dynamic balance.
It has long been noted that Neurotic individuals tend to have poor balance. And I was never a tree-climber or a tight-rope walker!
Eljay

[ducky8]

CONGRATS on your successful trip to Denver!!  I hope you do it again next weekend too.  Like Eljay said above, it's important to face your fears, and in doing so, we'll eventually conquer them.  Repetition.  Deep breathing.  Distraction.  And not believing everything we think.  (that's my favorite....LOL)  Keep up the good work.  You're doing great!!

Eljay, what an interesting post!!  But honestly, I think that what you feel hanging in a basket 40 feet in the air is what anyone would feel.  Your reaction seemed perfectly normal to me.......
Believe it or not, going barefoot helps me out of anxiety too!  Sure, it may be loopy, but I say do whatever it takes.
DUCKY