need help

My husband died on August 21st/  he was my rock and and I am grieving terribly for him.  I always had slight agoraphobia which is now full blown.  I did everythng wtih him...he knew my condition..Now i have to do things on my own and I am so scared.  I have a 5 year old daughter who wants to go out and do things but I feel so paralyzed...how am i going to get through this, any suggestions on how to make this easier?  Iwant to be a good mom, but doing a crummy job of it right now.

[MrGreen]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. That in itself can set a person back. Makes things seem so much bigger ( problem wise ) and harder to cope with. I am unsure if you have tried any form of grief counciling or the likes. Because it would be good to deal with the main problem first. The main problem, in my opinion, would be the latest problem. That is the loss of your husband. There is bound to be so many feelings there. So much to try and let go of. Learning how you can move on. Without the feeling that you are doing so and forgetting the memory of your late husband. We can move on and remember our loved ones at the same time. But at times we have to learn how to do this. It is kind of like the reverse of what you might imagine. Bit like an affirmation. Telling the loved one that we will always love them and remember them, but we accept that they have died and we give them premission to move on. This may conflict with your own beliefs. Just my thinking on such things is that we can hold spirits back by wishing they were still here. Thus we are not letting them move on in the afterlife. Plus we are not helping ourselves either. Because inside it is all pain to us. I hope you understand where I am coming from on this one. It is hard. Never easy. But it is something that has to be done.

I am not sure if you have family living near you. Family that can maybe help you out. Be it take your daughter out for a while. Until you are back on your feet again. I know this may take some time. Because now you have to do things by yourself. As you said, your rock is gone. Some more learning to do. How to cope without your rock. These are steps you will have to try and take over time. Nobody is saying to run out and take on the world. Forget that. Do it bit by bit. If that means your own front garden to begin with, then so be it. Do things slowly. At your own pace. I know that might be hard with you having a young daughter. But think of yourself as doing things for her. She can be like your goal in life. At times we need a goal to aim for. Instead of seeing her as a distraction at times, turn the tables around, and view her as your new rock. What you are doing you are doing for her. But also doing for yourself too.

You are a good mother. You have had the worst setback anybody could imagine. Don't hold that against yourself at all. See it for what it really was. Can things can get worse? I doubt it very much. With some help you can become a stronger person. Just a case of finding that right help. Just wish you all the best in doing so.

[29sillygirl]

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you.  I cannot add much of value to Mr. G's post, except to say he is right about all of it.  When my son was murdered in March, my grief was severe.

The agoraphobia I'd been overcoming after cancer returned with a vengence.  As you said, your rock has suddenly been taken from you. It leave you feeling unsteady/unsure...I know how it feels.

I strongly recommend grief counseling.  My counselor said the two hardest losses are spouse and child.  M. G.'s steady, patient support after my ex killed my son was the main thing that helped me through the months following his death.

Do hope you will use MH forum.  There is a great lot of support to be found in virtual support groups such as this one.

As I am the mother of four children...three still on this earth, I know the help it can be to focus on a child.  You are overwhelmed just now, but you have her.  She won't understand your grief or perhaps your hesitation to leave house....(actually none of mine ever really got the agoraphobia I've suffered from..but it is of no consequence).  

Day at a time.  Baby steps.  Keep posting.  We will support you in whatever way we can.