tired of being like this

tired of feel hopless, alone,,embarressed,,,sick of my life,,i lost my job,,because of this stupid fear,,my 13 year old son has traped hiself in his room ,he is depressed n want talk to me,,why do i have to live like this,,over the years i have went to councillers , doctors,,,and nothing works for me ,,i just dont see happiness in my future,,its like i dont care anymore,,,i grew up watching my dad beat my mom,,i grew up tippy toeing around my house so my dad would not flip out on us,,,got pregnent at 17 ,,i moved out went on welfair,,then i tried going back to school ,messed that up by laching on to the first guy i met,,we moved together ,,i had 2 kids with him,,but after abit of being together,,he tured abusive,,tawards me and the kids,,,after many years of thatabuse,,he decided he did not want to be with me ,he took my 2 boys,,he took me to curt and said i was not mentally fit to raise the boys,,now its been 3 years since i have layed eyes on my sweet little inisent boys,,,,my oldest son is depressed too because he cant see his 2 brothers,,i cant even look in my photo elbum at pics of my boys because it hurts to much,,I lost the strength to go on,,i cant deal with the pain anymore,,im done,,,im giving up my whole life has been hell and i cant fight anymore,,,,

[boogieman]

hi there. you are not alone and you are here for a reason. these are the storms of life, but they can be defeated. your other sons may not be with you right now, but the one you have is counting on you and is probably the key to your survival right now. the wonderful thing about pain and tragedy is they are the gifts that we can turn into another's reprieve. there is someone that needs you, there are probably many more that you don't even know about as well. hang in there and keep posting---there are folks here that want to help you. take care,   gm

[jennstuff]

Thanks for responding,,,not many pepole do on here,,I just wish i could get out of this rut of depression,,i feel i dont even care anymore,,know matter how heard i try right now i just dont have the motivation to care,,,

[ducky8]

You need to get yourself together as soon as possible, because you have a young son who is counting on you.  Like Boogieman said, he can be your salvation, just like you're his.  
Are you on any medication right now?  If not, perhaps some antidepressants can help give you some strength to carry on for now.  
Life can be hard, and I'm willing to bet that all of us have a story to tell,........some worse than others.  But where there's life, there's always hope.  So please don't give up.  Find a doctor who can help you, and get yourself into therapy again.  It sure couldn't hurt, right?  
Let us know how you're doing.......
Ducky

[nanal575]

Hi........it took me years to realize that  "everything is exactly as it should be "........at times......a very hard truth to allow into your life. Things that are painful.......tend to teach us something.......why it has to hurt so much, in order for us to learn.......I don't know . We are NOT alone in this thing called life.......we have eachother.......we can hang on to eachother.......depend on someone elses strength........when ours is spent !!........But there are a few other truths too.......one of which is........there is a God of the universe........there is a plan........we all fit into it.........that's where " everything is as it should be " comes in to play.Sometimes......even through the pain.......we have to trust that part........and just get through it. You have three sons who need you. You live with one.......focus on him........if you think you feel lost right now.......can you even imagine what he's feeling ? Talk to him.......bring him into your world.......let him know......you're there for him. You will survive all this. I agree that you might need some medical help to do it. My prayers are with you that you'll find your way...........peace and love ........Norma

[nanasluv]

I'm really sorry to hear how life has treated you. Try and stay strong. I have severe anxiety at times and depression. I also have a a phobia. I sometimes wish I could just crawl in to a hole somewhere and never have to come out but unfortunately that is not reality. I pray everyday to God for his guidance and help and suggest you do the same. I will let you in on some of my life. I seemed to be a normal person until 2 years ago when I started dealing with a bad body odor issue and anxiety it is kinda embarssing to talk about but here I go I was working and started getting nervous on phone calls with customers and I think it was related to anxiety and I was working at a call center by the way, then to top it off people started making really rude comments about my body odor and I have very good hygiene so I know that it was not becuase I was a dirty person but ignorant people still made me the laugh of the place. They made my life a living hell and I will never forget how they treated me and still to this day can't believe people can be so cruel. Everyday I woke up with a upset stomach because I knew I was going to have to deal with my mental issues as well as my coworkers constantly basically harassing me. I also had to use public transportation which only made matter worse because people on the bus would sometimes make rude comments about my body odor as well; I was treated like a thing not a person. People would move away from me as if I was a living disease and was contagious. I use to have lots of freinds and now only have 2 which is my best friend and sister. I also lost my mom 5 years ago and she was my backbone when life got hard and now I don't have her anymore to talk to or get advice; she always knew what to say when things would get hard. I do believe in a living God and believe that we all have burdens of some kind and that he never gives us more then we can handle. These burdens  are meant to only make us stronger and wiser in this life. I know it is hard to accept life's changes sometimes but no pain no gain is one of my favorite sayings. As for your kids do you have visitation rights because you should at least be able to see your kids. Also see if the government can help you in anyway to get professional counseling.  Exlpain your situation and how it is affecting you mentally and I'm sure they will be able to point you in the right direction as to what to do. My boyfriend's aunt almost lost her kids due to her drug addiction and  the government helped get her treatment and helped get her back on her feet and now she has full custody of her 2 kids and is a manager for a staffing agency so there is light after the darkness. You may still be able to get custody of your 2 other kids but you need to try and stay strong and ask the government for help in doing this. you have to fight for your kids they need you more then you think. Like my mom was my backbone you are also thier backbone. you should at least have partial custody of them. You don't seem like a bad mother just a poor soul with issues like everyone else and you deserve to have your kids in your life. I strongly suggest that you pray to God he knows your pain and cares you just need to turn your burdens over to him ans ask for guidance in this place we call life. I will also pray for you take care now and God bless.