This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I live with my boyfriend of four years. We are both highly educated, successful professionals in a major US city. He is an incredible individual. Funny, sweet, motivated, handsome and kind. However, when he drinks, he becomes a different person. He becomes obsessed with alcohol. He will go to the bar and instead of ordering one beer he will order four at a time. When we are home he will not just have a glass of wine, he will have a bottle or two by himself. He becomes belligerent, socially inept and mean. He often wanders around with his eyes closed, swaying. When I tell him I'm leaving or its time to go home he lashes out at me. In the morning he is very sweet and apologetic but doesn't want to hear about his antics because he says I "exaggerate" or am making him feel worse than he already does.
He has ruined alcohol and going out for me. I am constantly worried he will get too drunk, make a fool of himself or worse hurt himself. I know that he is unhappy with a number of elements in his life - job, body image, life course but I can't say that I am thrilled about any of these things either and yet I know how to relax, de-stress and be happy with the little things in life. I want to help him but I know I also need to protect myself. HELP!
Has he always been like this?? (getting worse?) Addicts take a while to admit that they are addicts. The more intelligent and functioning, the more difficult to admit and stay sober. Addicts are extremely selfish people and you will get hurt as long as he is using (count on it). Addiction usually becomes realized when the 'bottom' becomes closer… leaving him will wake him up a little, but probably wont make him stop. You cannot help him… To be honest with you… if you stay with him you are in for much worse… It's a losing battle to try to fix an addict… I feel for you, but until he gets it under control the person you fell in love with probably isnt going to there for a while. Good luck!
You didn't mention how often this happens, so I assume it's happening every day, and that's no life for you, for eternity. Alcoholism ends badly, always. I think you should get yourself to an Alanon meeting first, which is a 12 step group for families of alcoholics. Maybe take a video of him when he's drunk, so he actually see how he acts. That may sound strange to you, but he really does think that your exaggerating, and probably has no idea how bad he gets. I didn't. I think it would have helped me immensely to see myself in action. Also, talk to an addictions counselor about what you can do to help possibly, or how an intervention is used. You haven't mentioned kids. You're both in a great profession and have been together for a significant amount of time, but you're not engaged or plan to marry? Probably because of his alcoholism , right? Is that fair for you? Don't you want to think about having a family of your own? Addicts don't change until they hit their bottom. By you not giving him consequences or motivation to quit, you are in essence enabling him. If you love him, you'll have expectations for him. I know it's hard to walk away from an investment, but you have to live and learn too. You may have to walk away, to have your best life. We're here for you, so keep opening up on here, and make some friends to help you through this with members. I'll certainly support you and try to help you through this. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Liz
When I said that alcoholism always ends badly, I meant alcoholism that isn't treated always gets worse and ends badly. Personally, I've been clean and sober for 13+ years, through extensive treatment and two years of blood and urine testing, to prove to my family I was for real.
I'm unemployed, uneducated and live in a small town but my life is perfect including my marriage. My friend Liz (Nighthawk) always offers such great advice an I hope it leads you to happiness.
You have worked very hard to be the person you are so be careful taking a gamble on someone that could stop you from being the person you want to be in life. regret is not easy to live with. As Liz basically said set some rules for this guy, maybe you can help him straiten his life back out and together the both of you will be great again just becarful not to let him bring you down too. I wish you the best!
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