This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
My husband had drinking problems with he was in his 20s and quit long before we met. It has been his pride that he quit drinking on his own back then. we have been together for about 8 years. last year when we went to Costa Rica for holiday in the summer, he said that it would be nice to have a few beers sitting on the beach. not knowing anything about alcoholic i didn't object. We thought that he could try and if it didn't work out he would quit again.
But this time for whatever reason it is just so hard for him to quit. since last summer we had a baby who is now 2 and half months old. My husband's drinking problem hasn't be solved. He is not violent or anything but just not able to stop. once he started drinking he would always go out and get some more till he totally passed out. he tried to quit a few times on his own and lasted for either a few months or a few weeks each time but eventually he would lose control and get back to drinking.
I don't know what I should do. Last time we tried he made me take his wallet so he couldn't get more drinks and we went out together each time we went to restaurants. but last weekend the first time he went out on his own he drank till i found him on the bar. tried again last week and last night started drinking again. today even left work early and came home drunk although it is only 6pm.
I read all the articles that the best help for him is to let him fall. but if that means losing his job what we are going to do with the baby? I lost my job last year since i took too many time off when i was pregnant. but obviously I can't live everyday wondering whether he is going to drink again today.
what do you suggest? any suggestions appreciated. I feel so alone here without many friends and my family are far away...
It generally takes them hitting bottom before they realize they need help. Yes, it would probably cost him his job, but there is things you can do to support your and your baby. I would suggest you check out al-anon, that is the best place to turn when you are living with an alcoholic. You can't help him, but you can help yourself.
My husband also drinks until he passes out most nights. He only drinks beer, but in mass quantities. Fortunately he only drinks at home since he has gotten 2 DUIs and has an interlock/breathalizer in his car so he doesn't go to bars or anyplace where he can drink. If we go out to dinner ot to a party, I always drive. My husband knows he is an alcoholic, he's not in denial of that, but does not want to quit after 35 years of heavy drinking, and I know he will not. He isn't even willing to try and his liver is deteriorating quickly as well as his overall health.
But, it sounds like since your husband has tried, that he is willing to make the effort, he just can't do it alone. Is he willing to try AA or an outpatient therapy program through a hospital or clinic. If you're worried about his job, then inpatient treatment probably won't be feasable, but eventually that may be your only choice.
And, like jml1986 said, al-anon is an excellent resource to help yourself, because you cannot make him change if he's doesn't really want it.
The answer is simple - you cannot doing anything. He must want to recover.
His problem: years ago, he "quit" - which means that he stopped drinking and abstained form drinking. But he never got treatment for his disease of alcoholism/addiction. This is a disease that needs "management" - there is no "cure". That's what AA is all about.
However, HE CAN DO SOMETHING. He can go to AA (free) or he can start by going to speak with someone at a treatment center - they will assess and make suggestions and give resources, kind of get him going in the right direction - that shouldn't cost anything - it is just an assessment. After that, much depends on your financial resources and where you live. Also, going to see a couselor is a start as well. The point is that he needs professional help, just as if he had a heart disease or kidney disease.
Warning: he will try to avoid treatment programs and AA - DENIAL is the landmark feature of this disease. Alcoholism has been called the "disease that tells you that you do not have a disease".
You can influence him by setting strong boundaries - tell him you are UNWILLING to live with an untreated alcoholic, for both you and your baby's future. He will be relentless - he may try to beg, promise, manipulate, cajole, coerce, bully, whatever. This is a disease that is "treatment resistant".
Oh, and one more thing: this is a family disease - you need help as well - go to Alanon. Go several times to really get a sense of it - some people go once and say "it's not for me". If you are married to an alcoholic, it is DEFINITELY going to be helpful and supportive for you.
Do not kid yourself - this is a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease. Get yourself help, whether he will help himself or not.
The best thing you can do for your Babie's sake is to leave him and enjoy your child. If your child is a son he may end up the same way as his Father then you will have two to cope with, (sons tend to copy their Father).
I wish so much that I had left mine when my children were babies. His alcoholism has affected my health as well, and I had to endure a bad time in a refuge.
His health is in a bad state his lungs probably caused by liver damage are in a very bad way, and have to guess at throat cancer as he has lost his voice. He has temper flare-ups over small things and does not seem to remember (brain damage).
He refused to seek help, culminating in pneomonia, in turn causing my health to go down ending in cancer. I had to seek help from social services.
I am now going through with a divorce. He stopped drinking for two years after the pneomonia and we got on better, until his Mother died (before she died she begged him not to drink again) and money found in her house was used to go horseracing, he decided to try some beer, it escalated worse than ever.
The effect of alcohol is worse when one is older, and when young. Some women get beaten, but mental cruelty is far worse, as I would have left at the start.
They will always go back to alcohol, think of George Best and what his wife had to do.
hello. one of the most insidious characteristics of alcoholism is its progressive nature. when an alcoholic stops drinking for a period of time and then relapses, they are opening the door to a condition that has not diminished or even remained the same. when an alcoholic returns to drinking after a period of abstinence, they quickly find themselves in worse shape than ever, as if the drinking had never ceased. and for me at least, each time i chose to drink after a period of sobriety, i found it much harder to stop than in previous attempts. the suggestions of alanon for yourself and aa (and medical treatment if necessary) for your husband are the most successful resources available. the recovery community is comprised of other people who are in the same situation, or used to be and found the way out by making use of the principles commonly known as the 12 steps. if you will reach out to them, they will help you both get through this. this forum is also a good resource. best wishes---gm
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