Concerned for Huband

Hello all,
I have posted in hope of getting advice in other forums. My husband's depression, and drinking weighs heavy on my heart. I love him, and I am concerned for his health. Plus I don't want his drinkig to spiral out of control. Right now he only drinks 7-8 beers a night. This to me is alot and I know it is taking a toll on him. At times he seems so a happy, but when has been drinking it is easy for that happiness to turn to depression.

His depression stems from anger at his mom and dad for never knowing how to show they love him, and never being proud of him. It also is from guilt over how he has treated me in past, and from heartbreak due to past relationships. And from grief over his grandma's and grandfather's passing. He says he drinks becuase he deserves a few after work.

When I first posted on this topic I wasn't sure he had an issue, but now it is becoming more clear he does. Monday he went to work hungover. On Saturday, he borrowed money just to get some beer from his parents but lied about what he was going to use it for. Also, on Friday I told him I was concerned and thought he should slow down on drinking, and he snapped on me. I just don't want this to spiral out of control.

We have been together 8 years, and married for two. I have learned that he likes to trade off his addictions. See, he recently stopped smoking bud. I am so proud of him, and only pray this time its for good. But then he switched off to beer. In the past he was completely 100 percent sober for 7 months during our eight years together. He seemed full of joy then. I want him sober again. Just not sure how I can help. I don't want to leave him, and don't really know what I would do without him. I love him and knows he loves me. I am just concerned for him!!!

I am concerned that if it spirals out of control, then I will have to leave him. I am concerned that if he doesn't stop, he will have many health issues like other man in his family. How do I get him to see this is my concerns? How do I help him?

Any of your post will be apprecited. May God be with you all,
Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

Kimberly,  I am sorry you are faced with this. It is a hard topic to address to them person with them addiction because most of the time they don't realize they have a problem.

It sounds to me that its already starting to spirol out of control. You said you told him it made you uncomfortable and he snapped at you.

I'm not by anyway an expert but I have lived many years with addicts of all kind. So here is my tip....

Try to talk to him again when he has not been drinking. If that doesn't work or he doesn't want to listen try writing a letter r telling him how you feel.

Tell him what reality will bring but do it in a way he doesn't feel cornered. Weather you will leave him etc..

Talk to his parents or someone he is close to and get together with a counciler who works with drugs and alcohol to get pointer and support for yourself.even tho you are not the one that has the problem you are dealing with someonewhi does and that can weigh very heavy on your shoulders in all areas.

See about setting up an intervention before it gets out of hand.

Most important, do what you need to do for yourself. Let him know you love him everyday. But take care of yourself even if you have to leave.

I know since you mention he has depression. He needs to find other ways to deal with it. Talk to him about seeing someone. A counceler and such.

Offer to go with him to AA meetings and for yourself those are great to. But you can also go to alanon meetings. They offer support to loved ones of alcoholic .and drug users...

This will all take time so be patient. Calm and keep your self busy. Find faith and cling to it. Prayer andfaith alone can change the world. And don't be too pushy. This is a very delicate issue to address. Find the right time and do research to educated yourself of any questions he will have. FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

Sorry so long.. but I do hope it helps. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Emma

[tattoomommy03]

Kimberly,  I am sorry you are faced with this. It is a hard topic to address to them person with them addiction because most of the time they don't realize they have a problem.

It sounds to me that its already starting to spirol out of control. You said you told him it made you uncomfortable and he snapped at you.

I'm not by anyway an expert but I have lived many years with addicts of all kind. So here is my tip....

Try to talk to him again when he has not been drinking. If that doesn't work or he doesn't want to listen try writing a letter r telling him how you feel.

Tell him what reality will bring but do it in a way he doesn't feel cornered. Weather you will leave him etc..

Talk to his parents or someone he is close to and get together with a counciler who works with drugs and alcohol to get pointer and support for yourself.even tho you are not the one that has the problem you are dealing with someonewhi does and that can weigh very heavy on your shoulders in all areas.

See about setting up an intervention before it gets out of hand.

Most important, do what you need to do for yourself. Let him know you love him everyday. But take care of yourself even if you have to leave.

I know since you mention he has depression. He needs to find other ways to deal with it. Talk to him about seeing someone. A counceler and such.

Offer to go with him to AA meetings and for yourself those are great to. But you can also go to alanon meetings. They offer support to loved ones of alcoholic .and drug users...

This will all take time so be patient. Calm and keep your self busy. Find faith and cling to it. Prayer andfaith alone can change the world. And don't be too pushy. This is a very delicate issue to address. Find the right time and do research to educated yourself of any questions he will have. FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

Sorry so long.. but I do hope it helps. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Emma

[UnsureMS]

Thank you Emma,

For being so kind. My husband is a good man and I never stop praying for him. In fact I already see my prayers slowly being answered and heard. I am going to probably check out the AA website and the Alanon website soon. I will continue to keep everyone up to date on how things go.

Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

You're welcome Kimberly,

I can't tell you how much those meetings helped me thru a lot with my family. Some stories will make you cry. So tissue is a must. Lol

I will keep you and your husband in thought and prayer. If you ever need anyone to talk to please know I'm willing to do all I can to help.

[UnsureMS]

Thanks again,

Well, wanted to state what today held. He was my Prince Charming again tonight. Let me explain. Monday night we went and got him new shoes that he desperately need it. That night he was like a child with a new toy. He didn't want to put his shoes down. I hadn't seen him smoke like that in awhile. He was truly happy. So it was a good night.

Then last night, I had to ask him for a few favors after he got off work. Typically this is a fight. I needed us to go to heb and since I don't drive he had to go with me. The other thing was my daughter/dog had snagged a nail and needed it trimmed. He typically doesn't help much with her. Besides showing a bit of love and letting her out.

This night there was no struggle. We went to heb and got a bunch of grocies. I even took a while becuase my list kept growing. But he didn't rush me to get home to drink. Then when we got home he babied my dog more then I did. He held her all night and really seemed concerned about her. It was a great night where he wasn't all about him.

He still drank and I don't know how many. I still want him sober. But maybe if he can start thinking about me more, he will take my concern serious. So thank God for slowly but surely answering prayers. May God bless you,
Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

That's good news so far
Just be careful sweets.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so glad to hear you had such a great day with your husband. How was your Valentine's Day together?

[UnsureMS]

Thanks for caring! I had a wonderful Vday. My husband surprised me at work. Then we went shopping for a few things, and ate out together at a new little restaurant.

He drank that night after we got home. So, the drinking still in the mix but he has seemed happier and he has tried to think more of me and my feelings. Sometimes he suprises me how well he is learning to just be patient.

I live him so much and still pray the drinking stops but at least he isn't all about the drinking right now. Thanks again for caring and how was yours?

May God bless you,
Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

That sound so nice! I'm glad he's making a change. One day at a time things will get better. But please do go to alanon meetings that will help.
Its hard thing to go thru. For everyone. But you v day sounded really nice.
As for mine I stayed home with my valentine. ( my son) we cooked dinner and watched Disney movies. He made me a card at school and surprised me with it. So sweet! I got him a new wii game.

[UnsureMS]

That sounds like a great Vday too.

Well lately he has been feeling weird and having some bad side effects from drinking I believe. Either way yesterday he informed me that after this weekend he is going to try to slow down. He says that he isn't liking how he is feeling.

He set the date for after the weekend becuase I start my new job Monday. Also, becuase this weekend we are celebrating my new job with a BBQ and some ufc fights. He is going to have a few people over to watch them with us. So I guess he figures that day he will be drinking.

This time there will be no excuses for why he can't stop. I found a web page that provides tips to wives on how to help a drinking husband. I think it may work. So I am going to try to fit their tips in on Sunday if he makes an excuse.

May God be with ya,
Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

How are you doing?

[UnsureMS]

I pray everyone is having a great night, week, and life mine is starting to go better. I started at the IRS on Monday I love my job. Yet this means I am working 6 days out of the week. I am still working Taco Bell on Saturdays. I really don't have time for much of anything else. But it's worth it to get on our feet. My husband still is drinking and once and awhile I bring up he needs to stop sometimes he gets that, but others its an argument. I know it will be on his own time. May god bless you all,

Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

Congrats on the job! Working for the irs must be tough lol. I had to deal with them on them phone and she was a jenious! I couldn't do it. ( and I LOVE taco bell... sound time for a drive thru run in a min lol)

I keep you in prayer Kimberly. I hope he can quit before its too late. I'm here if you need to vent. Godhas already blessed you and will continue to do so. His work is never ending!

[Nighthawk61]

Hi Kimberly, i had a beautiful quiet Valentine's Day with hubby, and was able to spoil my son  a bit in the process. It's such a blessing that i'm able to give him gifts, although I'm not working. Congratulations on the new job, it sounds wonderful to be useful and bringing in the bacon. It sounds promising that there are times that your husband agrees that he should stop, the seed has been planted and is growing. I pray one day you both receive a bumper crop.

[UnsureMS]

Thanks to both of ya,

Yeah, I am truly feeling blessed lately. The Lord has me and is showing it every day. My husband is trying to be a better husband in most areas and we haven't been fighting much at all. Every once and a while I bring up the drinking. He knows he should quit, but his responses upset me. He says that it is either going to be drinking or smoking.

When I respond to that and let him know the smoking makes him moody. I also tell him that the drinking can one day kill him. He tells me well I guess the drinking is the better of the two. That way you won't have to deal with my moods, and that way I won't have to be around to long. I respond I want him to live a long life with me, he says that he feels I am going to go first.

I try to tell him I feel better lately. He just doesn't want to hear it. But I know The Lord will touch him in due time. I just got to trust. As for me I feel I am being healed and blessed in many ways.

[UnsureMS]

Just an update...I am not sure if I made the right choice tonight. My husband came home wanting to talk. He said he felt drinking was getting out of control. But he wasn't ready to be sober. Long story short I cried and stated my concerns he said he wants to prove he us growing up and can control how much he smokes. I stated more concerns, but in the end I told him this was his decision to make.

So he is smoking again. It's suppose to be just a bit at night and he promises that he don't want to let it control his life this time. I am a bit worried that I allowed a demon back in my home. Yet at the same time I know that Gos is always in control. I trust that through prayer my husband will decide that being sober is what he wants soon.

So, praying hard and loving my husband through it all.
Kimberly

[April2]

Kimberly, I commented on your post on the prayer group and was going to recommend this forum for you so I'm glad you are getting support here and elsewhere.
Unfortunately, this is pretty common to trade one addiction for another. He has an addictive personality and he needs support and help. He needs to get to that point of asking God for help and receiving help and support from others who have gone through this and came out the other end. Will he consider AA?
I strongly recommend you both get some counseling as a couple because he has things in his past he needs to address in order to move on and a good counselor can help with that. Please look into counseling for the two of you. If you can't afford one, most churches offer counseling and pastors are trained in counseling or you may find counselers who accept your health inusrance. I do strongly recommend this as it can help sooo much. I know it helped my husband address things from his past. I recommend a man counselor since it's for your husband. I just think it's better. I think he'd be more open. Since it looks like your faith is important to you, try and find a Christian counselor so they can talk, listen and pray with you guys. It really can do wonders! This is not something you guys can probably do on your own. You need others to support and help you get through this. I wish you both all the best and if you'd like to talk more, feel free to pm me. God bless.

[tattoomommy03]

Kimberley. I'm getting a bit worried sweetie. Is all alright? You've been quiet.

[crankbonkers]

Now a days, there are some medications that makes people to quit their drug addiction. Drug addiction is too dangerous to life and health.

[Nighthawk61]

I like that you told him that it may be a question of him growing up and not abusing the amount of weed he smokes. Many addicts have quit everything, but still smoke weed in small amounts. It can be done. Maybe not by him, maybe so, but it sounds like it might be your best be to give him the opportunity to try. Thinking of you Kimberly and hoping you have peace in your life, one day at a time.  

[UnsureMS]

So one day at a time is how I have been handling this lately. My husband has messed up but is trying to mature about it. He has stated honest with me which is a good thing and he constantly reminds himself that I only want the best for him. That is why I stay checking on him when I think he is over doing it. This weekend was his birthday and Easter so he celebrated. But he promised back to normal this week. He is trying and I just have to keep believing that he can learn not to over indulge himself. So here we go one more time down this road. This time hopefully he won't get side tracked or lost and end up further from his goal. Thanks again everyone.

[17mthssober275]

How are things going for you both? Is everything allright and how has life been for the both of you?

[UnsureMS]

Saturday my husband made me proud we had a family BBQ with his family. They asked him to drink more then once they placed beer in his face. They continually were offering it. But he declined every time. He never touched a single beer. This was something that in the past never would have happened.

The only thing I still pray for is him to stop feeling like he needs to smoke bud. The Lord is trying to make this change as well. Last week he was sick all week he was concerned it could be from smoking. This week he had a moment that scared him. He thought the police had been called on him. That is a long story but both made him wonder if he should quit.

So in those areas changes are happening and one day God is going to take fully over and help my husband be free of these addictions. In fact it has already been promised. Thanks for everyone's concerns and support.

Kimberly

[tattoomommy03]

Kimberly that is great news! And yes it is promised! One day at a time. Patience is key. I'm here if you need me girl. God bless

[DavidHughes]

It seems that the reason of his drinking is addiction. You need to give him more love and care. You can try talking to him about everything he feels. You can also take him to rehabilitation center to get rid of his addiction.

[UnsureMS]

How can you say more love and care. I bend over backwards for my husband. I have spoke to him about his feelings and maybe you didn't read all the prior post. He has gained lead way in his fight against drinking.in fact he hasn't drank really lately. Now his battle is smoking.  Rehab he would never go for and so I pray for him and continue to encourage him.

I am his wife and try to be here for him in every way possible.