Coping ...

My foster father is an abusive alcoholic.  My foster mother is co-dependent of his alcoholism.  However now my foster mother is constantly drinking - possibly more than my foster father.  The reality of the situation is avoidance.  I obviously cannot live with them because even though I'm the biggest threat to myself (BPD I, OCD, PD, AD, agoraphobia, narcolepsy, cutter/wall banger, blah, blah, blah), they come close to matching my destruction.  

I've tried going to ALANON or AA meetings but I just don't feel like I belong.  These are people who are trying to cope with alcoholism in their family, even after the person has died - but not abuse.  There isn't enough time to discuss what I want to say because the meetings are only an hour long.  I tried going to them Monday through Friday and it there still isn't enough time.  

I'm so used to not talking about how I feel ... I grew up silenced.  Even though I'm trying to cope with all of the abuse, I find myself stuck.  I feel like I don't have to cope with it and I'm not sure why.  Is it possibly my fear of opening up?  Or am I over it because I'm out and I know I can't change them?  Etc.  Because I'm so used to bad situations, I find myself in them no matter what.  I don't go seeking problematic environments, people, or situations - I think I attract trouble.  I also feel like I'm some kind of plague.  It seems like when in my company, I kill their joy.  I'm a joy killer.  I find it easier to part with people by making them angry because it's easier to be peeved at someone than grieve their loss.  Maybe that's what's going on with my experience with alcoholism?  I'm no longer angry about it and I'm not grieving ... at least I don't think I am.

Opinions, anyone?

[boogieman]

hi there. you might want to try a different al-anon group. abuse is often a common thread in alcoholic households, be it physical or emotional. it all leaves scars. there may also be a support group available that deals strictly with abuse. if you contact a couple of domestic violence shelters, they could probably give you some idea of what's in your area. i'm assuming you are no longer in the situation---if you are, you need to take action to get out of it. you don't deserve to be treated with threats or actual assaults, no one does. you seem very intelligent and can probably do about anything you set your heart on, but these kind of issues can hold you back. i doubt you are the embodiment of negativity you described, but i know the feeling. are you seeing a therapist of any kind? best wishes,  gm