Detachment as a recovery tool

What is detachment where addiction and alcoholism are concerned?  I had a terrible time understanding that detachment doesn't mean abandonment and it doesn't mean that we're making a negative judgment about our addicted loved ones.  I also had to learn the difference between healthy detachment and unhealthy isolating.  Ouch!  Here's some info about it from Al-Anon.  Hope it helps someone...
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Alcoholism (addiction) is a family disease.  Living with someone who has this disease is too devastating for most people to bear without help.

Detachment, a recovery tool for the family in Al-Anon, helps members to help themselves.

In Al-Anon we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.  

We let go of obsession with one another's behavior and begin to live happier and more manageable lives lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.

In Al-Anon we learn:

1.  NOT to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
2.  NOT to do for others what they should do for themselves.
3.  NOT to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the interest of another's recovery.
4.  NOT to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, etc.
5.  NOT to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds.
6.  NOT to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind.  It does not imply evaluation of the person or situation from which we are detaching.  It is simply a means for us to recover from the adverse effects of our own lives of living with someone afflicted with the disease of alcoholism/ drug addiction.  Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions profitable.  (I wonder if "profitable" is a typo?  "Possible" seems like a better word choice here!)

[Jaybay]

continued....

Detachment: Giving up Control and Caring for Oneself
From Al-Anon

Examples of "attachment" (non-detachment)

Preoccupation - With the alcoholic/addict (Is he/she going to drink/ use?)

Blaming - You are making me feel the way I do.

Walking on eggshells - Maybe something I say or do can make the difference.

Controlling - trying to take charge of the alcoholic's recovery (Maybe I should call his/ her sponsor?)

Some suggestions:

1.  Think about yourself - do something nice for you.

2.  Take responsibility for your own mood.

3.  Do not try to change reality - let life happen.

4.  Go to Al-Anon.  Address enabling behaviors.

5. Get an Al-Anon sponsor.  Work the steps for yourself.

When to Detach:

1.  When you cannot stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something.

2.  When emotions are churning and boiling.

3.  When you feel like you have to do something because you cannot stand it another minute.

4.  When you are faced with abusive language or behavior.

[boognell]

That's great that you have joined that wonderful group, AlAnon. It has helped so many people, some very close to me. Good luck and God Bless!

[tschock]

Thank you SO much Jaybay!!!
I've always wanted to attend a meeting, but because of my toddler ( and a lack of funds for babysitters, and a daddy who can't stay sober long enough to look after said toddler) I have never been able to attend.
I have always wondered what was taught there, and why people who attend are happier than myself.
I appreciate you sharing that, and hope that you are willing/able to share more.