From what I have read on this site is not good is it?

By reading on this site and other things about alcoholism I am starting to feel worse I think. So this will never go away, am I gonna have to choose to watch the man I love slowly die a painful death or to walk away from him for him to die alone? How can I choose to put myself through so much pain for a man that appears to have no emotions and only cares if he has enough to drink for the night and his first six before work? He said if I will pay for it he will go to the doctor to see if he has cirrohsis but he is not using his beer money. I have educated myself as much as possible on the subject and I feel he has it. Yellow eyes, severe bruising, vomiting bile, weight loss, low energy and the whole lot. How can you get someone to see what they are doing, how can you help them want to change and stop, or am I just looking forward to a life of pain and the man I love slowly kill himself. He has been in the hospital for a week before and I was the one that would sneak beer to him so he would stop shaking and hurting and vomiting. I know I am weak but I cant stand to see him go through the withdrawals and he has no insurance to be able to go to rehab. Somebody please tell me something good. I sometimes wonder if I went to him crying the way I do alot and just shot myself and died in front of him would it cause him to realize the pain he causes in my heart. I am to the point if it would save him from himself I am willing to try it. Or maybe it would be to help me not hurt to see him hurt himself everyday. I am going crazy right? And he wont let me go to al-anon. My shrink says to leave him, but how can you leave someone that has a sickness. Would he leave me if I had a broke leg? So I dont get that, I am loosing my mind.

[April2]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is a difficult situation, to be sure. The thing about addiction is YOU can't change him. YOU can't stop him. Only HE can make that decision. Yes, you can help him but he has to get to that point where he wants to change.
Killing yourself in order to get his attention not only would not work, it would only make things worse. Hurting yourself to help someone else who's hurting never works. Two wrongs don't make a right. Two negatives only makes more negatives.
I agree with your therapist. You need to leave. This is an unhealthy situation. You are being dragged down and he is not willing to change. You are only enabling him. If you left he would be forced to make some big decisions about whether he wants to continue down this path, destroying his life. This is his life. He is a grown man. He needs to make these decisions. You can't make them for him or change him. All you can do is pray for him and help him once he decides to change. If he doesn't change, then there's nothing you can do. You can, however, stop enabling him. Don't buy him beer. Don't hide this from people anymore. The people in the hospital should have been aware of his problem so they could have helped him.
My husband smokes but I won't buy him cigarettes. I won't buy him alcohol. He is an alcoholic. Recently he had a slip up. It almost caused me to leave but he came forward and confessed and is seeking to change so I'm going to support him.  But if he would have refused to face up to it I would have left with the kids. I can't sit and watch anyone destroy their life. My sister is an alcoholic, too, and would call me all the time crying on the phone. I always tried to encourage and help her but she won't face that she's got a problem. I had to start distancing myself a little bit for my own sanity. She was draining me emotionally. I love her, but I don't want to watch her destroy herself, either. So I pray for her.
Your husband can't tell you that you can't go to Al-Anon. Don't let him do that to you. You need the support. If you feel he can get abusive then get out. Don't let him run your life. You have the right to do what's best for you, whether that be to go to the meetings, see a therapist or leave him. You need to do what's best for you. I know this is hard and my heart goes out to you. I know how lonely and isolating this can be but it doesn't have to be. Get the support that you need. Al-Anon will help.
You can't really compare his alcoholism to you breaking your leg. Yes, it's a sickness but it's also a choice that he's making. You wouldn't have a choice about a broken leg. He makes the choice to drink every day. He can make the choice that he wants to change and that he needs help. If there was no hope then why is there an AA and many, many people who are living sober lives? Because they made that choice. I'm not saying it's easy but it can be done, of course. He has to make that decision. I'm surprised a doctor hasn't talked to him or tried to help him by now.
All you can do, my dear, is help yourself at this point. I know you love him but don't watch him destroy himself. Don't enable him. Sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you can't watch him destroy himself any more. Tell him that you will help him and support him if he will be willing to change but that you can no longer enable him and won't. And if he refuses to quit drinking or get help that you will have to leave so that you won't have to watch him kill himself. Don't let him give you guilt trips or play mind games, either. Be firm. He gets help or you leave. I know it's hard but that's the only thing you can do. You can't force him into treatment if he won't go. I wish you the best. I really do. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Keep seeing your therapist and tell her how you're feeling. And go to Al-Anon! Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. You need this for yourself. It's ok to take care of yourself. You need to. God bless you, my dear. Take care of yourself.
April

[babypooh]

April has already said everything I could have possibly said and so I agree with her completely. There is always hope if he's willing to change, honey. Good luck to you. Love yourself, take care of yourself.

[Marymoe36]

Must let you know that we are not married but we have lived almost as such for three years. We have a few differences than marriage though, he owns a home six miles away but we always stay in mine and he has never paid a bill or bought anything whatsoever for my home. He says marriage is only a piece of paper. But anyway....I tried to talk to him Saturday. It was not good. He called me a  "stupid crazy dumb a** b****". He said if I wasn't crazy I wouldn't have a psychiatrist, had her before I was with him because I have  AADD (adult attention deficit disorder). I gave him what was probably the biggest hug he has ever had in his life, told him I love him and if he ever needed my help if he decides to change for him to call and I will help if I can. Then I just got in my vehicle and left. We both have cell phones and now he is saying anything he can to try to hurt me. I went to church yesterday for the first time since I met him and I prayed hard for both of us. He went and played 18 holes with his drinking buddies.I have always prayed but not a church goer, it seems to cause me confusion. I sent him a message that he can't hurt me now because I have always had someone that loved me I just hadn't went to see him for a while. I told him I would not read his texts anymore and then he sent one later saying he would change if I would help him. Of course I read it and text back with an ok and what do you need me to do. Then he sent one and called me a "stupid crazy dumb a** b****" AGAIN and said nothing and called me  a liar cause I read the text. Its like he uses me for a mind game. Even though I told him that he cant hurt me, he knows I love him and he knows it does. He said maybe  going to church I will learn to love him no matter what he does like God says women are supposed to do, and that maybe someday it will help me stop being a SCDAB. I have always been a strong person; I have raised two wonderful boys into SO FAR good young men alone, I work everyday to make ends meet, own my own home and have a 4.0 in nursing school at my college so I know I am not these things he calls me but it still hurts me for him to say them. Yesterday I felt better than I had in a long time, almost at peace. But at the same time I want to go to him and say yeah its me with the problem. How can I keep his demon from controlling my heart and my mind? What will I do if this does not cause him to want to change because I really don't want to spend my life without him?  Today, I went to work and a man that works at one of the apartment complexes I do home health at asked me if I would be interested in going for a cup of coffee or a bite to eat, I said no thank you. He said if I ever wanted to just let him know because he thinks I am an attractive and caring person. That blew my mind. This man has always talked when we crossed paths and seems to be a real nice person I just didn't realize he seen me as someone to want to know better. I wanted to tell him he would be glad I said no cause I am just  a SCDAB, but I know he does not think so. He said he hoped he didn't offend me and hoped I have a good day. The way chris has made me think of myself and the way he has changed me I am gonna have to be alone. I am wishing tonight I could be living in a church as I never take a cell phone into church. He is not texting yet so I am just worrying if he is in jail or dead somewhere. Hard to sit and wonder and not go drive by his house just to know he is home safe. If he starts texting at least I know he is alive but then he would just be evil to me. A no win situation is what I am in. God how can one man drive someone crazy this way. Does drinking affect only his liver because I feel it affects his heart even more. But what now? What do I do now? Do I do as he and live my life as he never existed, do I sit here wondering hoping and praying that he will change? And if so, how long do I do this? He pretty much made me where I have no friends and I do not even talk to my family now, so do I just sit and wait until I go completely insane or die? I will keep working and going to school and church but part of me is missing now and I am so sad about that. I am gonna have to be superman strong to do this. How long do I sit here waiting this way before I give up on him ever changing this problem? Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I am so glad to have found this site because I started reading on it in the evenings when he was usually passed out. And since he said I couldn't go to Al-Anon it has been my only hope. Do I still need to go to Al-Anon whether he chooses to change or not?

[boogieman]

hi there. did you get my messages? you are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation but you would definitely benefit from al-anon, no matter what either of you do. the psychological and emotional damage has already been done. you need to be around others who have been where you are. the fact that you have been deprived of contact with others has put you in a bad place as well. the only way someone else can do that to you is if you allow it or you have been threatened, but either way that is not love. more like being held hostage by another person's sickness and insecurity. you have already proven that you can be self-sufficient and do not deserve to be called names, threatened or otherwise intimidated. once again, that is not love. if nothing else, please listen to april and babypooh and take action to protect yourself from any further harm. no more phone calls, games, insults or empty promises---a restraining order if necessary. but you must act or you will stand to lose a lot more than you have already. please listen to these ladies and help yourself! take care----gm

[April2]

Marymoe, I'm relieved you're not married. That makes things easier. You hit the nail on the head. He IS playing mind games with you. It's a control issue. He wants to feel in control. Please, please listen to me. I saw my brother-in-law do this to my sister. I saw my sister change right before my eyes. The way she let him treat her for awhile there I never would have believed. She did get out and she did get over him but it took a lot of strength on her part. Don't let this man try and control your life any more! He's even using the Bible to try and convince you to return to him. Unbelievable. I can't stand when people try and twist scriptures to fit what they want to believe. No where in the Bible does God condone abuse, ever! If he wants to go around spouting off scriptures maybe he should remember the one where it says that the man should love his wife as Christ loves the church.That's a sacrificial love! He doesn't even seem to understand what love is.
Marymoe, you must get away from this guy. Change your phone number to your house and cell phone. If you can afford it, even move if you must, but do whatever you can to distance yourself from him. If you feel threatened by him then get a restraining order, but do not allow this man to control your life any more.

I'm glad you're finding comfort in church. My advice to you is to seek out counseling through the church. It would be free and they could help you right now. All pastors are trained in counseling. Some churches even have a pastoral counseling with more than one pastor available for counseling. You will see that more in bigger churches. Regardless, even the pastor or associate pastor would be able to counsel you.
I also advice you to go to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not for him. It's not even necessarily to understand him better. It's for you. It's to show you how to live. It also will show you that you can't change the person. They have to change.

Alcohol can certainly change someone's personality but I think he must have had something there already that the alcohol just brought to the surface, you know? Alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions so you will do and say things you may not if you weren't under the influence, but it's still there, it's just hidden. Alcohol will bring it out. So, in a way, it's good that you are seeing this side to him, especially before you got more involved with him or married him.

You need to do what's best for you. It's not selfish. It's survival. I'm proud of you for leaving! You are trying hard, I can see that! I understand it's hard and tempting to believe him if he tries to sweet talk you, but no one who really cares about the other person treats them so badly and calls them horrible names. That's not love and you don't need that!
Get some counseling for you and keep going to church. You need that peace that God can give you. It's something he can't take away as much as he might try.
But please listen to me. Change your phone number today! You can do this! We are here for you if you need to come back and talk again, ok?
God bless you, my friend. You are doing the right thing! Stay strong! Have faith and keep moving forward. Don't look back.

Sending hugs and blessings your way!
April

[Marymoe36]

He was already doing the mind trip thing by seven this morning. He always gets up at five so he can have his morning six pack before he leaves for work. This morning I was tempted to call the police and tell them approximately when he would be driving down a certain road and that he would be a certain DUI, but I didn't. He already has two DUI's and a third would land him in jail for six months without his precious beer can and he would certainly lose everything he has worked his life for. I know he can't possibly truly love me the way he is to me, I do know that. But I guess I am stupid to a point because I still love him and care. I think it is the curse that God gave women to have so much in their heart for someone else. Eve should not have ate that fruit, but Adam probably told her to because he wanted a pie or something. LOL. I can't afford to change my numbers or move because the bank and I own my home. I just have to stay busy or in church or on this computer until I can get through this period. Now he is to the point of calling me a W**** since I am not with him at night. Trying so hard to ignore him. When he texts some stupid stuff I send back LOOK UP and that's all. He has no clue what I mean and is mad because I won't tell him what I mean by it. I just keep sending him the same thing- LOOK UP. Maybe he will figure it out. He won't come to my home and do anything to me. He has never been physically abusive to me it is all just mental. He knows what I been through in the past and he knows what I would do. He hit me last month for the first time and that was when I knew I had to get out before he caused me to have to defend myself. I called the police and filed domestic violence charges on him the night he done that and he talked me out of doing anything about it. He still to this day says he never hit me that night, but even I know when someone punches me in the face. I really appreciate people like you all on here that take the time to care to help a perfect stranger. It is priceless to me. I am doing my very best to stay strong and keep my word to him that he can choose to get help or I am out. Still gonna keep praying for us both, so who knows what will happen. Prayer is very powerful but this is the most stubborn man I have ever known of. I downloaded several songs that are helping me while I drive to the homes I work in. I am a music lover and I think music can change a person's emotional state.

[April2]

You don't still have him living with you, do you? I hope not. His behavior is worrisome to me. Please stay away from him. There's nothing you can do to change him. He has to do it himself if and when he's ready.
I would have called the cops on the DUI. He could kill someone someday. He's acting dangerous to himself, you and even others every time he gets behind the wheel after drinking. So what if he went to jail? That would be a sure fire way for him to sober up. And guess what? Many, many people have to hit rock bottom before they "look up". He may be one of those people. It's not always so bad to let them hit rock bottom. Yeah, he wouldn't be too happy about it at the time but if he could learn from it and grow from it then he'd appreciate it someday. Just a thought.
You say he's stubborn. Pride always comes before a fall. He's heading towards a big one whether you help that along or not. It may not be a bad thing, as long as he doesn't hurt anyone along the way.
Please be careful. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing, ok? I know I care and so do others.
Take care of yourself.
April

[Marymoe36]

I am trying and it is not working anymore. No he is not in my home anymore. I had to drop his house key off in his mail box and this girl that hangs out around his friends and him that told me her and him have been together intimately was headed toward his house on a one way in and out road, she seen my vehicle and just went around the circle and back out. That didn't look too awful suspicious right? LOL. She is on meth really bad and now I have the added fear of having caught something. This just is getting to be too much for me to handle. I keep praying like continuosly, I felt like I was having a heart attack when I seen her on the circle. I cant tell my doctor the things I am thinking or she will send me to the psychiatric hospital for a week or so and I can not miss work, I take care of elderly people and some of them I am all they have.  I now have little bumps just popping up on my face, chest, arms and legs that are itching bad. I think it is nerves cause I am shaking so bad. I had to take a xanax but it is not helping. I am thinking this is gonna kill me. His dad was an alcoholic and so are his three brothers but none as bad as him. His brother is recovering since he had to spend five years for killing someone while driving and has since been sober. He drives so drunk that I tell my children to never drive down that road for fear they will meet him coming the other way. Would it be wrong to call the law, I am so afraid it would be. I cant seem to stop the way I am feeling today. If they catch him driving he has a home and an apartment complex and I know surely he would lose it all.Then I would feel he would come after me. I know all of his tag numbers and year make and model and color and even those of his friends vehicles too and I have had to sit and watch them get in vehicles and drive when they had to have help finding which vehicle was even  theirs, then watch them drive away when they could barely get into the vehicle. I know where they all drive to and from and the approximate times. I am feeling revengeful to say the least. They all go into the same store for their mass quantities of beer twice a day. The store orders it according to what these five people need. Are stores not held responsible if they sell beer to someone that clearly has had plenty for the day. After I seen the meth chic on her way to his house which she passed up because she knew I was behind her I am feeling some revenge coming on. But with me trying to allow God to take this over, I feel like I would be doing a sin. Chris by the time he drives home from work has already drank about 18 ice beers with 6.5 % alcohol per. I would say his BAC would blow off the charts and he must have at least four hydrocodone a day. What is the proper thing to do? I feel I can let him go but him and his friends could kill so many people at any given time. Is it my place to interfere and make them all pay. Not sure of the Godly thing to do. Any suggestions. They are not having church tonight so I cant go there and the al- anon meeting is not til thursday. The other woman can have him, that part is not my main concern. My concern is to do what will help me and I am feeling that revenge would help me but I think that is not how I am supposed to hadle it. I know that I may need to be put somewhere for my own safety from my thoughts. I have the cell phone turned off for right now. Need a reply or some thoughts of what others think of this fast.

[April2]

Well, no, if you're wanting to call him in only for revenge then that's not the thing to do. For one thing, it really won't help you feel better. Right now you think it would but trust me, it wouldn't. I was only saying I would have called in concern for innocent people on the road who might get in his way. Revenge never works. It's closely related to hate and it will just eat you up. Best to just drop anything to do with him and concentrate you YOU getting better. Consider him poison to you and you must stay away and get him out of your life for your own good.
Don't worry about what he's doing. Just concentrate on taking care of yourself. Can you do that? The rash may be hives from nerves, I don't know, but I do think it's a warning sign to you that you're body is under tremendous stress and you need to focus on you right now. Make sure you're getting enough sleep and proper nutrition. Practice mediation along with prayer. Learn some relaxation techniques. I wish you the best. I really do. You can make it through this. Just give it some time. Keep moving forward. This is the hardest part. It will get easier, I promise.

(((Hugs)))
April

[babypooh]

You're way stronger than you actually think! Not too many women would have the courage to leave, still loving their man like they do.  But congratulations on that, honey. Listen, about the restraining order, you already know that he WOULD hit you because he already did, so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get one.  I'm glad that you got closer to God, keep that up. Stay strong and have absolutely no contact with that man because that is the only way you can successfully get over him and help yourself. Love yourself, Good luck. We're here if you need us. If we don't respond right away, you can always send us a message :)

[kkb19]

I am scared for you, please don't contact him again or answer his texts, just be done.  In the meantime be smart about your own safety-if you have neighbors ask if they will help keep an eye on your house when you are gone, let you know if they have seen him around, etc.  A restraining order is a good idea.  Do whatever you can to take care of yourself, surround yourself with good supportive people-church is a great start.  Don't be afraid to share your story either-people who know will be there for you, and they can help keep you safe.  When you have enough distance from this, you will more clearly see the abuse and realize that your love for him is a waste of your goodness.  Stay strong, seek peace, and recognize that he is not beneficial to your life in any way.  Kris