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HUSBAND BEGINNING STAGES ALCOHOLISM?
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HUSBAND BEGINNING STAGES ALCOHOLISM?

I HOPE SOMEONE OUT THERE HAS THE TIME TO READ THIS.

I have been married for 5 years whereby the 5 years before that (been with partner 10 years), I was younger and would go out partying and drinking nearly every weekend.  Now I am at the stage in my life that I have slowed down a lot, drink now and then and would not mind starting a family.

My husband is in a family background where both parents drink nearly every day whilst maintaining a normal working life so in his eyes drinking frequently is a normal thing.  I am from an opposite background where none of my parents would drink except for special occasions.  
For years I have told my husband how I don't like his drinking habbit which has increased over the years.  
He is only doing it of an evening in the week and maintains a job but it seems more evident to me lately that now he is hiding alcohol not to hurt me .  After a few chats about him hiding his drinking, I keep biting my tongue about how much he is drinking, then exploding on him on how I have had enough and that I will leave him.  I found today that in our drinks cabinet after agreeing not to have spirits in the house that the only 1 bottle we left in the cuboard of whisky is nearly finished and there is also a new one there!!  If i bring it up he will say how he has not hidden it from me, so I am guessing I do not say anything??  

I have just started councilling where it is evident that we do have other marraige problems due to the fact we moved country 5 years ago and rather than meeting new friends, we worked very hard at our careers and a build up of this and some health issues of mine pushed us apart so I know I am partly to blame for this.  Also he only moved country for me where he has told me he does not want to move back.

I just dont know what to do with this anymore because other than him drinking of an evening where numerous times he stays up later than me to continue drinking (falling asleep on the couch) he is a good husband that earns cash, helps me with chores and shows me lots of love other than this.  The down side in his drinking is how he can get verbally abusive to me when he has had a drink.  
On my side, I have been cold with him on affection for at least 6 months now because of the anger of this drinking and have not spent time with him socially for 3 years now because I decided to study as well as work to better my career.  

I dont know how long I should bite my tongue on this and not sure if trying to return my affection (by trying my best to put aside the anger I have) will give him a better will to see that he truly has a problem?? especially due to the fact we both have no friends (sadly) from living here and him having none of his family here.

There are various times I want to walk out, but he has no-one he can turn to which may help him if he is to admit his alcoholic problem.  I feel so low from this, I don't know what to do and where to turn.  There is no Al Anon groups here and councilling is only helping me so much.



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6 Comments Post a Comment
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1401949_tn?1296047324
I too am married to a great guy who works,helps around the house, and loves me to death. But he too is an alcoholic. He drinks pretty much everyday, he can get verbal when drinking actually down right ignorant.
   The sad thing is you can't make them stop, all the threats, yelling confrontations honestly does nothing. If you threaten follow through,I used to rant and rave dump out his beer, you name it. It did nothing I even threw divorce papers at him. My husband admits to being an alcoholic but he won't quit. After the divorce papers he did slow down. I just told him its his demon he has to battle and I can't fix him but I won't live it either
   The best reaction is no reaction, let them face their demon!! If he falls leave him don't help him to bed and tuck him in. They won't remember or care anyway. If my husband passes out in the livingroom, good I can have the whole bed to myself!!
  As far as intimate I understand where your at its hard to function with someone who has been drunk, or drinking all week treating you. Like crap. You can't turn that switch off.My husband knows if he's drinking or was an *** during the week he can forget. Talk to your husband calmly and explain you are worried and tired of his constant drinking. Hopefully you can get through. Good luck!   Tee!
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1462324_tn?1285933583
Go and visit a doctor with him. I think you should consult a rehab center.
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Avatar_f_tn
Run for your life. But that is easier said then done. I am married and recovering only to find every thing I have worked to build alcohol has torn down.
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry this reply has come a little late! I read your post and cried, i could have written it myself. You say that you have just started counselling, is there any chance your husband could go with you and have a couples session? Every alcoholic has a reason they drink. It has taken me almost six years to get my fiancee to spit out what his reason is. He too is like your husband and teetime4u's, he holds down a good job, is a wonderful partner and father, would seem to anyone looking in to have a perfect life and i know many people envy me having him! However virtually everynight he drinks himself into a stupor and falls asleep downstairs where i cover him up with a blanket at 2am when i realise he's not come to bed. We dont socialize together due to his drinking and it has almost destroyed our sex life. I have been through every emotion, i have cried and screamed and thrown things at him, poured his drink down the sink, slept in another room, left, however after many years i now know his drinking is down to crippling anxiety. Anyone reading this may think that is obvious, but you havent met my fiancee...the most confident, outgoing, relaxed person i know. He had me fooled for years. I now know that the best thing i can do is nothing. All the fuss just makes him more anxious. He tells me everyday he wakes up thinking he wont drink today but then he does. He has come a long way from the man who like your husband put his drinking habits down to differences in our two families and just said i "wasnt used to it, but it was normal". He knows how i feel and he's working on it but this is something he has to do alone with me just for support, if your husband wants to drink u cannot stop him, it has to be his choice.
I really feel for you, it is a long journey. Just try to remember your wedding vows and the reasons you married this wonderful man.
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Avatar_f_tn
He has an illness and getting Angry with him will only engrain him in the opinion of drinking more.

You should go to Al Anon, it will help you a lot.

You have to accept that he may get worse and decided if you want to have children with him
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1666434_tn?1325265950
If you don't have Al-anon groups in your area then I encourage you to find them online.  Read the literature they have out there on the Al-anon group site.

Here is a link to find online Al-anon meetings:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

Keep coming back and talking, it's the best thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship.  Being with an alcoholic can really be detrimental to our self esteem.  It's important that you talk with others in the same situation so that you can rebuild and regain some of what was lost.  This will help you determine what actions you make in the future.  You don't have to make a decision about your relationship right this moment.  Just focus on getting yourself help right now.  
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