Alcoholic, Living with an Community
How do you know when it is time to leave?
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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How do you know when it is time to leave?

How do I know when it is time to stop trying to make my marriage work? I have 3 children ages 12, 10 and almost 2. My husband seems to always choose drinking over me and my children. He is not physically abusive, I just feel like we are always last on his list. Not sure if it is the economy or the alcohol abuse but he has lost thousands of dollars and my savings and credit are blown. I keep hoping things will change but I am beginning to loose faith. He refuses to go to rehab or to marriage counseling. I feel lost and very depressed. I am not sure were to turn but I want to do what is best for my children. I have tried al-anon but I guess I am looking for a quick fix. Any suggestions?
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82861_tn?1333457511
Your husband doesn't just "seem" to choose alcohol over you and the children; he IS choosing alcohol as the most important thing in his life.  

You first have to realize that you can't fix him, but you do have a choice.  It's up to you to choose how much more damage you will allow him to do to your finances and to your children.  Even without physical abuse, he is abusing himself, his marriage, his relationships, your joint finances and is emotionally absent.  Whatever he was before the drinking got out of control, he is not the same person now.

If you can't bring yourself to walk out yet, talk to a counselor yourself.  If you can find one, an addictionologist would be a good place to start to help you understand what you're up against.  You have an obligation to protect yourself and your children.  Since your husband refuses to change, you have to do some soul searching of your own.  If you stay in the marriage, you'll likely continue being a slave to supporting his destructive behavior.  Do you really want that?  What kind of example are you and your husband providing your children about marriage and parenting? You're the only one who can answer those questions.  Hopefully, counseling will help clear the cobwebs away enough for you to see a more clear path into the future.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with JayBay wholeheartedly! I also want to add that what your kids are seeing right now in terms of your husband's behavior will affect them. This will cause trauma in kids and the way they will look at relationships in the future. So you need to leave and set hard boundaries for yourself. You need to live for you and your kids until he comes to his senses (if ever)...financially, you need to take control of what you have and start separating your finances. It is hard but its something that you must do! Then you will either need to move out with the kids or he needs to get out of the house. It might start as verbal abuse but it can turn to physical later. What he is going through right now you have no control of so you need to start protecting you and your kids. Good Luck...Regards
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189069_tn?1323405738
I'm in the same place you are, dear so I can't even offer much advice; you're wondering the same thing I am.... But I do recommend you keep praying about it and ask God to help you with whatever decision you make. Be strong and do what you have to do for your children, for yourself, for your sanity. I will keep you in prayer and hope it ends up working out. I hope your husband seeks the Lord for help as well and that your marriage is saved.
I wish you the best.
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow- Your post sounds like mine and very many others. I have been through this... I am also now divorced, and yet still love my husband/now ex husband. You are in a very very tough, sad, but, "GOT TO MAKE A DECISION' area... I know you prob heard this a million times, but the alcoholic won't quit for anyone but themselves... They have to WANT to. We have 2 daughters, both from previous marriages. My daughter was 10 when I married him. She is now 17. I tried everything from threats, to not doing his laundry or making him dinner, fighting, tough love, kicked him out, threw divorce papers in his face, but I always let him come back. this was a repeated pattern for years. He too was not physical, but was emotionally "unavailable" to us and stopped showing interest in our girls and family. Drinking and friends ALWAYS trumped us. FINALLY, one day after kicking him out for the millionth time, my daughter (who was 16 at the time) said to me: "MOM! YOU HAVE TO STICK W? THIS, THIS TIME OR IT WON'T STOP! I SWEAR, IF YOU LET HIM BACK IN, I'M MOVING IN W/ GRANDMA & GRANDPA!" We are talking about my daughter, whom I raised on my own, my #1 love of my life, telling me she would leave me because of his constant drunk interuptions... I then realised I was not the only one going through this. I filed for divorce and didn't let him come back. I gave him a choice. He chose to drink.

As sad as I was losing him, the only man I would ever marry (I'm 37- planning on never again, but who knows at this point) my best friend, all the happy memories we made together and dreams were gone. How selfish a person can be once they are "lost" in their disease. He even had 3 grand mal seizures from the alcohol withdraw and has been in the hospital many many many times. He is homeless, can't pay his child support, no drivers lisence (lost it due to a DUI when he totalled out my new car) He has NOTHING. What do I have? A happy peaceful  stable home, a happy daughter w/ straight A's, and no stress because I'm wondering where he is at, if he is ok, if he is coming home, if our electric is going to be shut off because he didn't pay the bill again, etc... I'm starting all over. Sometimes you just have to take that risk and chance and "let go." If he loves you, more important, loves himself and your kids, he will quit. If he doesn't- let go for awhile. He just might come back sober...
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry you are going through this.. I am in the same boat and understand how you are feeling. I am asking myself that same question. I guess the real question is "Have I had enough of my husbands lies and empty promises". My husband of 2 years is an alcoholic, a binge drinker. He does not think he has a problem, except on his "hang over, regret days", then he will apologize with all the "I'm sorry's" in the world. I am at my breaking point. I have put up with his abuse, he has hit me one time when he was drunk and gave me a busted lip. He is a very angry drunk. No matter what the topic is when he is drunk, it is somehow my fault. He becomes very verbally abusive. I have kicked him out on one occasion for over a month but took him back after he promised me he would never drink again. That lasted 3 weeks. Now he is slowly falling back into his old weekend party binge drinking. He is the type that once he has one drink, he has to have 15. He can't just have one. He has drained our savings accounts, put our marriage though the wringer and I am tired of it. Why should I suffer when I don't even drink at all! He has promised me he would go to therapy and a marriage counselor
but that never happened. So What do we do? Do we get out now before we waste anymore time on these men? I love my husband very much, much sometimes love isn't enough right? I know I deserve better, so why do I stay? I know deep down he will not change, if he wanted to he would of already. :( Stinks my life has suffered because of his demons.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm in pretty much the same boat (except that I'm not married to the alcoholic/addict/thief). I've been with my fiancé for a year during which time he's only worked for about a month (seasonal) and when that work ended, that was it. He's "tried" to find a job but ends up never being able to land one (and then I find 40s in my vehicle or his that he forgot to toss). He too gets very ugly when he's drunk but insists that he does not have a problem. The last time he was drunk he disappeared for 2 days and didn't come home until 7:30am on a Tuesday. At that point I'd finally had enough and told him to get out. He refused and when I took his keys to separate my house keys from his car keys (it's my house that he moved into & has paid rent once in the past year) he started yelling and screaming, hit me, tried to smother me in my own sofa and when I fought back & got him out of the house by calling 911, since he was too drunk still to find his car keys outside (I managed to throw them out the window) he never left. 911 showed up and since I fought him off hard enough to bruise him worse than he marked me up, the FEMALE officer took ME TO JAIL. I was in a complete state of shock. I have never in my life been in any sort of trouble and just couldn't believe that after being hit by a guy weighing in at more that 80 lbs than me, the police actually insisted that I was the "primary agressor" and I now have to go to court and defend myself for defending myself. Luckily I have no children and he is still at my home because the police told him (and me) that if I want him gone, I have to evict him!!!
If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, please share because I'm still at a total loss. To make it all the more fantastic, I have a spinal injury for a pretty bad car accident that I was in a year or so before I met him and I take medication and have physical therapy, etc. He tells me that I am the one with a problem and then while I'm sleeping, in a different room, etc, he goes through my bags and steals my medication. I've put it in safes, various bags, wherever I could think of and he always finds it, steals it and then on top of that goes and drinks which is not attractive at all. I hate to even admit that I love(d) him and that I always somehow manage to forget the addict-him when he's gone and let him back in. Right now I've left my house while he was away visiting family in another state but eventually I'll have to go home. He is extremely convincing in his denial of his illness so the law isn't even on my side now and I have to hide out until I can figure out what steps to take next. It's very sad because he is incredibly talented, skillful at a number of job types but they would require effort and he knows that he doesn't "have to". He refuses to leave me be and it always ends up the same; I kick him out, he goes back to his mothers house (and she is more than willing to take him in), then he starts calling incessantly until I give in and then it all starts up all over again.
:(  
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82861_tn?1333457511
Your story is my story with the exception of the violence.  I am also a chronic pain patient and this weekend my husband decided to help himself for the first time in 5 years.  I flushed the breakthrough meds last night and will detox from the fentanyl patch.  I can't have the stuff in the house and honestly, I don't know how much good it's doing me after so long.

You might need to instigate formal eviction proceedings against your boyfriend since the considered him a tenant.  Since he doesn't have a formal lease agreement though, I can't imagine what in the world the police were thinking.  He's actually more of a squatter right now.  Call your justice of the peace clerk to find out what the legal process is and what documents you need to file.

What a horror story!  The law is about as screwed up as anything I've ever heard.  I hope to God you have money for a good attorney.  Meanwhile, I suggest you change your locks and telephone number.  If you've really had enough of the revolving door, chaos and abuse you'll do it today.
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1401949_tn?1296047324
I know exactly where you are at. I just told my husband of 15 years that either he stops drinking and goes to AA for help. Or I am fling for divorce. He is refusing AA and said he will slow down, but as you know that never lasts. I no longer want to walk around on egg shells to prevent his drinking and temper. The ranting and raving about usually unknown reasons. I already reised a child in this environment and now she is an opiate addict. See the pattern?? So for your sake and your children get yourself into Alanon and help yourself and your children. God Bless.
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1477820_tn?1287435681
i hear u...i always when  do i kno when its time to leave....when its good its really good but when its bad its really bad....i have kids too that are 4 and 9 and i hate when he asks them to get him a beer....my 9yr old can tell when my bf has been drinking and i hate that he knows that he even drinks.....ive told my bf so many times that i hate how he is when he drinks....but he just keeps drinking.....he drinks every day...i love him to dealth, i really do but i hate his drinking....i hate my kids seeing it...we have been together for 8yrs but i dont want to keep waiting and waste my time.....he has stopped before but only has made it 4dys.....he is getting health problems from it now and i dont want to take care of him because of what he is doing to himself later on down the road...i know that sounds mean.....but that is how i feel...i came to this site hoping for help support and advise so i hope that this site is helpful to you...i dont have any magic answer...i just wanted you to know that there are people out there that are in the same boat so that you dont feel so alone....or like u are doing the wrong thing by staying or leaving....but i always tell myself that i will really know when its time for me to leave...i dont want to loose myself.....above all, we are the most important...we need to take care of ourselves...good luck...i hope u are doing ok.....
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi,
I just want to say that you really did the right thing...getting a Divorce.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic. When we met he was already sober for 2 years.
He's now been sober for 8 years. You would think that if your mate would just get sober....all would be good.
Not so.
My husband isn't drinking but he still has that Alcoholic Behavior. He is the most selfish person I've ever met.
I mean, I know we can all have our selfish ways.....but this is to the extreme. It's very disturbing.
He Isolates, Self Absorbed, Refuses to help pay any bills at all, Kept his own apartment (which I don't have a key to) so he can keep moving back when he can't handle hearing me say "You are the Head, be responsible for your family".
5 years together and 6months married......It has been the biggest mistake of my life.
We are in court now because he wants visitation with our 4 year old.
These people (Alcoholics) also have an indecisive disease too...the Big Book of AA saids so.
We have been to court twice because he can't make up his mind if he wants full custody, joint custody and when he wants to visit his child.
But here's the HIT.......Between each court date....we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years together as a family. And the kids (I have 2 other kids from a previous marriage) we're visiting with him every weekend.
But every time we went to court, he would treat me as if I wasn't allowing him to see our child. He talked to the Judge as if I were his enemy. We were even having Marital Relations.....even though we are separated. I mean he is my husband.
So now we have another court date on April 20. This time I have a lawyer and we will finalize this crap ASAP.
He also wants a Divorce....because he saids I nag him to much about this being responsible stuff. I should have been grateful he was home and not running the street.
I said well....that's like a kid going to school every day with perfect attendance but Never participates, Never turn in project, Never does his homework.....the kid will still fail.
Here's the thing. He will participate just enough to allow me to believe that he really wants to be apart of us. He'll do this for about 2-3months.
Then he just STOPS.
He'll pay a bill for 2 or 3 months then he'll stop.
He'll participate in family trips sometimes and then when he feels like he's done enough.....he's shown that he is capable......he STOPS everything and Isolates in the basement.
Stays on his computer playing games or watching TV.
The only thing he has always done....which I never complained about....he gos to his AA meeting everyday....sometimes twice a day.
I love it when he gos, because he seems to come back on a "high" and want to be a family man.
But like most "Highs" it never last.
This Man Is  8 Years Sober.....And Selfish as HELL.
Actively Drinking or Still Sober......the Alcoholic Behavior never STOPS.
And NO Amount of Prayer keeps the family together....I know because I've prayed and fast.........NO Changes.
We're getting a Divorce because that's easier for him.
Rather than going to counseling or wanting to fix our family.
Oh and to top it ALL Off.....My Husband is 51 years old and I'm 32 years old. He's immature at 51.
I've done all I could.........I love my husband.
He rather take me to court for visitation than go to family counseling to keep his family.
Just selfishness.
Thank God I'm financially stable and spiritually in tune......because sometime I feel like breaking down.
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Avatar_m_tn
I keep hoping things will change but I am beginning to loose faith. He refuses to go to rehab or to marriage counseling. I feel lost and very depressed. I am not sure were to turn but I want to do what is best for my children. I have tried al-anon but I guess I am looking for a quick fix. Any suggestions
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Avatar_m_tn
I am in the same old boat as all of you! quite sad isn't it I have been with my fiance for 8 years we have 2 kids 6 and 2...I have been with him since I was 15 I'm now 23...he has stopped drinking a couple times sometimes for a month or 2 others a year but always started again!...he is not physically abusive but my couceller says he is mentally abusive...I'm now wondering how much more I can take I say ill just wait until it gets really bad then leave but all that happens is my tolorance grows for his alcohol abuse...I just wanna be happy again its so hard leaving when we have shared so much for so long...I have now become so weak that I can't even seem to make decisions for myself and he always makes me feel guilty somehow?.....I dunno just though I'd share some of my story...may god bless every one of us and help us and our children through this!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Dont wait until he throws a punch leave know. Your children are hurt emotionally about there dad u need to leave if u care about ur self and ur kids leave
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Avatar_f_tn
Dont wait until he throws a punch leave know. Your children are hurt emotionally about there dad u need to leave if u care about ur self and ur kids leave
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Avatar_m_tn
I read your story and thought to myself. that girl is me! Actually i should say "was" me. I also have 2 small children, and the alcohol always came before us. When sober, my ex was a wonderful dad, and, to give him some sort of credit, a wonderful partner.. but when he drank, that all went out the window. The times i had to take my children from the home due to his behaviour, the angry phone calls and abuse i got for leaving, the promises that he made and i kept believing all broken. He never hit me either, but the last time i wasn't sticking around to find out if it would escalate to that, and YOU shouldn't either! To make matters worse, when i didn't give in, i had his whole entire family start abusing me, calling me, stalking me, yelling in front of the children, threatening...the list goes on. And yes, i found my own place and we tried to make things work, another promise was broken and thats when i said no more! He has an addiction with alcohol, we are no better because we are addicted to them. Like any addiction, it takes time and strength to overcome it, but you can!! Just because he cant let go of his addiction, doesnt mean you cant let go of your addiction to him. I have done it, i continue to do it, and the main reason is because my children DESERVE BETTER!! So do yours...good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
NoMoreGrief,
Thank you, you're right!  I am addicted to him just like he is addicted to alcohol. Until I read what your wrote, I never thought I was addicted to him but I am!  He always leaves me and I always let him come back and then we start the cycle all over again. This time, he has chosen alcohol over me for the last time! I am done, I will over come my addiction to him.

Alli
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Avatar_m_tn
NoMoreGrief,
Thank you, you're right!  I am addicted to him just like he is addicted to alcohol. Until I read what your wrote, I never thought I was addicted to him but I am!  He always leaves me and I always let him come back and then we start the cycle all over again. This time, he has chosen alcohol over me for the last time! I am done, I will over come my addiction to him.

Alli
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Avatar_f_tn
I am sad. As a nurse i watch my loving husband drink and smoke daily. He is 46 and booze and butts r ruining his good looks and health. He loves alcohol. He is usually nice.unless i bring up drinking and health. I would leave but feel sorry for him and i do care for him. His family turns a blind eye because he makes good money. I fear coming home from work and he stroked or heart attack. I even moved to a rural home on a canal so he could get boat. Thought that would make him happy and stop drinking. No luck. I guess i will just keep quiet and focus on me. I miss my love. We r distant. Booze will b what destroys this great love. Soo very sad. I hope someday i die before him so i dont have to watch the love of my life suffer.
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Avatar_m_tn
I would love to speak with you......I have been living this nightmare for 3 years and love this girl beyond what any words can say and the feeling is mutual from her.  However this damn disease is something I just keep feeling or thinking I can fix.......despite my research and counselling.

Are you still around or is this post that old.......your story really hit home for me but its a tough call to make.  My GF has zero self esteem and perhaps personality disorders which brings out indescribable insecurities that fuel her to slip or fall into a full blow relapse.  

What i would do to chat with you for 30 minutes..........
Barry
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Avatar_m_tn
I have a alcoholic husband- my children have grown and moved out with their lives,with grandchildren i adore. My only down fall is im 56yrs old and i can only keep a part time job-the stress has burnt me out. Financially im scared that i cant do this on my own. I know its me and my dog- i dont care about being alone- i can do alot on my own - hes in bed now hammered - in sept i would have had 35yrs of marriage but im telling him we are selling the house and im moving on- any thoughts?
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow.  I can relate to so many of you out there.  My husband of 4 years is an alcoholic and addicted to prescription pills (mainly Valium).  Since it is a progressive disease, when he first started drinking (maybe 2 years ago), things were very confusing for me.  He became easily agitated and we fought a lot.  Since I didn't know why we kept fighting, I blamed myself most of the time, partially because he would also.  I thought I was going insane.  Last fall he drank too much and tried to end it by slicing his wrist.  When he woke up, he denied trying to kill himself.  I partially believed him, but knew something was seriously wrong.  I've been trying to get him into therapy for over a year.  Then a couple of months ago, he started talking about dying and a couple hours later went totally unconscious.  I called the ambulance and found out later he tried to kill himself by overdosing on alcohol and Valium.  When he was sober, he admitted to a friend he wanted to die. I kicked him out of the house that day.  I have since been going to the therapist and put on anxiety medication.   Honestly, kicking him out was the best thing I ever did.  We don't have any kids together, so it made it a little bit easier.  I  have also closed out our joint bank account, since he withdrew over $1000, and wiped out our bank account.  By doing these things, I'm protecting myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.  The therapist suggested that kicking him out was the best thing I could do for my husband as well.  I would suggest to anyone who may even suspect that their husband has an addiction to get therapy themselves.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for our loved ones is take care of ourselves and stop enabling them, even if it means making some tough decisions.
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Avatar_n_tn
Same story and years later.....I have three children too and married to an alcholic that has many other problems.  All I can say is I regret never doing anything sooner.  I look at my husband's family and they were all effected by their father's drinking.  How the mother hated it as much as I do and I hate that my kids will probably be like my husband's sibblings.  All have an addition of some sort with problems with themselves and their families.  Terrible cycle to live over and over.  Stop this now and try and make some kind of normal beautiful life with your children as God intended to be.  Alcohol is evil and all the lies and deceipt with it. Vicious cycle...sad
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Avatar_f_tn
I am engaged to a man who is an alcoholic, which runs in his family and mine. I, however, stoped the cycle in my family.  I love him to death and want to marry him.  We have such a great time together.  When the drinking starts with certian friends he doesnt know how to or when to stop.  Recently i caught him sending a fb message to some girl who he claims to have had no past with.  He will only do it when he is drinking and beyond the point of return. I am nervous for this upcoming weekend because I know that if he drinks he may speak to this girl, who i feel is just as much to blame with responding knowing he is engaged and then continuing to message him over and over. He has never said anything about cheating or meeting up with her just stupid small talk but I still feel it is unfair because i know he would feel it is not right and a form of cheating if i did it.  DRUNK is NOT an excuse at all.  we had a long talk about it two weeks ago but since traveld to my home town where he wont drink because my family is there. He deleted her off fb and all and says that i just need to trust that he wont do it anymore when he is drunk but I honestly dont trust him enough when he is drunk.  What do I do?  Leave him?  Tell him it is botherin me? Not go out drinking with him?  Always be glued to him when he is drinking?  take his phone away when he is drinking?  i just dont know what to do.help
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Avatar_m_tn
My children's father and I have been together for almost four years. Recently we had a 6 month split but have gotten back together to try and work things out. He has shift work and does construction when not at his other job. Drinking preoccupies the spare time that is left. What makes it so worrisome for me is that he just disappears when he wants to drink. He has been gone for the longest Two days straight without calling and letting anyone know where he is. I don't know if the story I get from him is the truth or not. The last time he went out he was gone for days and spent over two hundred dollars on what he says was just alcohol. What I don't understand is he says he wants to make this work but disappears, spends the weekend drunk, and blows over two hundred dollars on alcohol for him and his friends. He promised me a nice dinner that weekend since I stay home with the kids all day every day. His actions are so selfish its like he has no family at all to think about. And it has made me resentfull. He has been this way since the beginning and I hate myself for not getting out sooner because now it isn't an option.
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Avatar_f_tn
can i ask what you decided to do?
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Avatar_m_tn
I am in love with an alcoholic. When he is sober I love being with him, and I’m happy. When he’s drunk, he is a different person, and I hate being around him. Sometimes he is a nice drunk (flirtatious, joking, trying to be funny) and other times he is mean (full of cut-downs, and trying to pick a fight..twists everything I say). He understands that drinking changes him into someone untollerable even if being a nice drunk. When hes drunk, we almost always argue unless he passes out and I’m left by myself. Passing out happens almost daily. Even after avoiding him…arguments are inevitable eventually. I’ve done everything to try to get through to him, and he always gives me his broken promises of stopping. He knows hes an alcoholic and admits it. He even says he doesn’t want to be this way and needs help. But he won’t get it. Every so often he gets very full of rage and accuses me of things, says I’m not letting him be himself, He has a low self esteem that he uses as a reason for feeling bad. He tells me he likes to alter his ego and escape himself. But in reality he is very egocentric and self centered/ I believe he loves me with all his heart. We have been through so much. I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from this strain of drinking. But I have such a hard time giving up on us. I’ve had what I thought was enough courage to move on, but it seems as if I always get sucked back in. He is a wonderful sober man, but a terrible drunk. I have two daughters that hear us argue. My eldest cries sometimes, and puts her hands over her ears. I know I need to stop this for them. This example I’m living is so unhealthy. And the worst part is I am deeply in love with this man. With alcohol or should I say whiskey gone, I can see myself living the rest of my life with him and being very happy. It’s such a shame we (him and I and our partnership) aren’t as important to him as whiskey. He doesn’t seem to have a “rock bottom” either. There have been many instances that a sober person would think would be it….the enough thing…the rock bottom. With him it never is enough, No situation will wake him up to getting the help he needs. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will be, but we live together. He is drunk far more than sober, and consumes huge amounts of whiskey at a time. The drunken lingering effects stay with him for the entire day and night. He drinks mostly when I’m at work early in the day and morning, and is in denial that he’s still drunk when I get home. What does a person do to make herself leave what could be the best thing ever?
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Avatar_f_tn
You are modeling behaviors to Your Daughters.

Is this the kind of Marriage or "living arrangement" You would like to see for THEM ??!!

Please, re-read Your post here and imagine what YOUR advice would be to Your Own Daughter if She were to post this.

that being said,

You C A N N O T "save" Him (HE has to do that) but You C A N change this for Your Daughters!!  Please..... do that!!

(I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic)

Regards,
Tink

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Avatar_m_tn
Greetings to every body that is reading this testimony
Me and my boyfriend were seriously in love for six years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another rich lady who promise to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding. And i suffer heartbreak for seven months and i was not tired of loving him.so i take a bold step by contacting a spell caster who help me bring my ex boyfriend back. he is powerful and great his contact is ***@**** you can also contact him for help.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am engaged to an alcoholic.  My question is this.  The day after his episode he is always so sorry and loving and in the beginning he would promise me the moon.  Now it has turned to where it is my fault.  If I would talk to him more, show him more affection, cook for him, ect then he wouldn't be so stressed and feel so alone. I am kinda stuck as I don't have the money to move out on my own, so what should I do? I'm fed up and want out but he always makes me feel bad. I don't think he will ever quit. What should I do?
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436837_tn?1293796826
I am in the same place right now.I have 4 years of medical documentation,working with the local domestic abuse shelter,etc.The children are grown, I want to move 3 hours from here..far enough he cannot drive without stopping at a bar.The religious community says to change your approach,so I did,I paid him a compliment.So he puts this knife on its side int he dish water so that when I reached in to wash the dishes, I cut my self..he thought that was hysterically funny.This is nothing compared to when he tried to "sell my services" and his one family member tried to take him up on it..that involved the police...allot more episodes ..so why have I not left? The economy, for the 100 % part..I have read horror stories of people living in government sponsored housing that were evicted due to budget cuts...I am disabled and have my own insurance...that is a good thing..but housing stinks..I have been put on waiting lists that involve 5-6 year waiting periods..the people at the shelter went over the landlords and gave me the "heads-up" on how they raise the rent to get more,evict because they can get more out of someone else the list goes on...I am getting counseling, seeing medical professionals ...the last notable thing he did..took out life insurance on me..tens of thousands of dollars..why get excited? You see 4 years ago the murderer of his sister did exactly the same thing.I called the insurance company and his place of employment..the only one who can change this is him..the insurance is out of state..that state has its own laws..we went through this when the local DA tried to stop the life insurance for his sister's murderer..I tried to get him help and all the medical community got was he would rather talk to his alcoholic buddies..he "plays games " with the vehicles as well...always has to use mine because his has to go into the shop of his buddy..who takes forever and a day..I think he does not need to get anything fixed I think he just uses that as an excuse to use my car so I have no where to go and no way to get there...I think his buddy is in on the roust..I am not paranoid ,too much evidence points to that ..the religious community gets me all discombobulated in my thinking and decision making..I am afraid to make the wrong decision and end up wishing I hadn't...living in a tent like one lady did...lawyers in our area have no compassion and want  minimum of $3000 to $7000 for a retainer.One wanted $2,500 just to talk..another wants $500 for every half hour..I do not qualify for pro bono..the shelter's legal staff said I should not just drive away he could sue me for abandonment...they are pro bono but I am not destitute...He also yells and screams at me ..and Al-anon says to walk away,I have no where to walk away to in this polar cold weather..this house is small no where to walk to that he is not inches from my face yelling  and screaming...another thing is months ago he wanted me to do his alcoholic buddies laundry so they could spend more time in the bar..Al-anon says to set boundaries ..I did and he went ballistic..I kicked the bag one day and it was full of BM...every article of clothing...I threw it out...boy did I hear about that...you can imagine...I am not doing their laundry..that is ridiculous..plus he will cook and put extras in containers to take to his buddies so they can spend more time at the bar...microwave it in the bar...my counselor and the medical community say I am living in a war zone" and they think I am suffering from PTSD on top of everything else...glad I have people to "talk" to..
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi. I'd love to get your opinion. I've been married 32 years to a heavy drinker. He does work but drinks every day. He isn't mean or violent. He loves the bar. I've given up my desires of going to church.... Having non bar people as friends. My daughter is a recovering drug and alcoholic, lives with us with her 2 young children. She has begged him to stop just being "pass out " drunk as it's a trigger for her. To no avail.... I've begged him to try things my way for a change as I gave up my whole identity for him.... He will chose them .... The bar, fun, alcohol. I'm at a loss for what to do.... I do love him... But this isn't fair... My daughter says I should give him an ultimatum .... But that means being ready to go thru with it....
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7052683_tn?1392942395
Hi Plinixo,

I agree with you daughter. Yes it takes a great deal of courage to go through with the ultimatum, but if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for your daughter and grandchildren.

Drunks are selfish. Your husband does not see past his next drink. Your daughters sobriety and your unhappiness does not even cross his mind. That is why you have to be the strong one for your family. Your daughter has done a great thing in getting sober and being a responsible mother. Now she needs your support as a responsible mother.

Love is a funny thing--we say we don't want to lose them (husbands, wives) because we still love them. Well wake up!--you have already lost the man you love, this is the drunk that has taken over you and your family an are holding you hostage.

Maybe him losing you will finally get him to see what he has become. Please--ultimatum! >>>>and follow thru...You and your family have a right to a happy life, and that might mean a life without your husband.

Good Luck,
We are here for you, stay strong
CML
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7052683_tn?1392942395
Hi Plinixo,

Just thinking of you and wondering how things are going?

Please keep us posted.

Thanks,
CML
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, it is amazing how many of us have experienced the same things. Thank you for posting.  I've finally made the decision to let go. I've sold our house and bought a smaller house for the kids and I.  Ironically he pushed to sell the house because he wanted money (had ruined his business because of addiction for the 3rd time). I now see the push as a blessing in disguise.
It has kept me focused on moving forward. I've always been worried about money and if I could do it all on my own. Then I had friends point out to me - that I was already "doing it all on my own."  I think many of you can relate to that.  
I know now, as much as it turns my stomach, this disease, the lying, his inability to "not drink", rehab, NA, AA, is no longer something that I can stand to involve myself with.
If you are still at an uncertainty about what to do.. ask your self this... do you want your daughter growing up to marry someone like him?
Do you want your son to think this is the way love is shown?
Do you want your kids to know what a real relationship is?
You are strong enough to do this.  
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8537943_tn?1398608647
Wow!!!! Hearing that there are so other people like me makes me so sad. first I want you all to know I am sorry for your pain and suffering. I know when we got involved with our partner we were looking for love, but ended up getting severe pain. I have been with my Alcoholic drug addict for 5 years. We drank together in the beggining and I decideed to stop. Ive been sober for a few years and my partner can not get it together. I have one daughter form before and 2 know with him. He will stay sober for a few months and then gets drunk and high and leaves the house for days, weeks, months if I let him. He is such a jerk. He finds a way to turn it around on me. I have done this over and over and over again. He is not going to stop. I have hung on for too long, he is bringing down our entire family. It hurts to look at someone you use to love and decide that you hate this person because of the pain and disappointment they have caused. Ultimately every time he abandoned us I should have changed the locks and block my phone. Someone like this wont stop unless you kick them out and stay away from them. He will either keep drinking or get sober, but you let them keep stay with you they will never pick between the 2 because they already have both. .. He can be a family guy when it sounds fun for him, and a raging drug addict alcoholic and who has no responsibility, when ever he wants. He gets to be both and everytime I take him back I am reinforcing this!!!!!
SCREW THIS MAN!  
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Avatar_m_tn
Reading all these stories it's like wow I'm not the onky person going through this an will not be the last ... Been with my husband for 15 years married almost 10years basically his whole family has a history of drinking it's sad we have 6 kids  I honestly know what I need to do I know but it's hard cause he has noone his family is like a real life novela yes they are all dysfunctional... I came into his life an changed him but not his drinking that's the one thing I cant I've tried so hard I don't want to give up on him he has a good heart is such an amazing person when he's not drinking been by his side through alot but drinking is tearing us apart it's affecting my kids already they have anger inside of them cause he drinks so much wish they never invented beer period ! Wishful thinking though ..
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Avatar_m_tn
I am 46 and have been with the love of my life for 29 years. I swear your article is my life. My heart hurts to wAtch him choose to be lonely. It's been a year since your post, did anything change?
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Avatar_f_tn
I found this site by googling different stuff; I am married to a alcoholic and I am so glad I did. Thank you for sharing your painful details. I have been married 6 Years to my husband and have been through hell with him trying to preserve our marriage. I decided this month to preserve myself and to rebuild my world with harmony and peace and joy. My husband is also physically, emotionally and mentally abusive as well as a horrible drunk. He has stonewalled me, burned me with cigarettes when I picked up his pants to launder them, he has withheld finances, turned utilities off on me, left me penniless without transportation, been to marriage counseling one time with him, I have had his ex-wife involved in my marriage, I decided she is a addict of some sort as well, we met and married 7 months after the death of my mother so I wasnt exactly thinking clearly, now when this man wants to be nice sweet and all things are great he is jekly and hyde. But the sweet man is few and far in between. We stopped having relations 2 months into the marriage, I didnt realize he was impotent and he doesnt try. I am in my 50's. This is what I decided about our marriage after many chances, I am healing myself from all the damage, moving on from his denial of alcoholism and my denial that it will get better, it won't. I can't fix him, but I can mend my own life and reclaim my freedom. There is no way to heal and gather esteem again being in the midst of dysfunction,  he can use his charm on someone else. I have been hurt and have done without and still have nothing to sustain my decision, I can do bad by myself. I dont need a man destoyin what it took years for me to build. I am walking by faith he is spit fire mad trying to coerce me  He tells me at least once a week he isnt happy and he is tired of being bitched at the usual talk that addicts speak trying to place blame on someone else and protect thier friend mr. Booze and cigarettes. I have been embarrassed and humiliated quietly I have people tell me I stink from his 4 pack a day cigarettes smoking habit. He bathes once a week now, he suffers now from emphesma When someone shows you who they are beleive them because that is who they are. Set yourself free, dont continue second guessing yourself please dont waste your youth on trying to fix someone who doesn't cAre. My spouse isnt the man I married with each passing year it has gotten worse. Letting go is a process. It took me 7o months to make a decision to let go. He vacated long ago. Thank you for allowing me to vent some and share some. Abuse is never reasonable or ok..drunks abuse alcohol and themselves and when they go through the guilt phase then they abuse the loved ones and it is a vicious cycle.
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Avatar_m_tn
Attention every body..

I want to say a very big thank you to Dr Akpan for casting a spell on me that makes my wife to come back to me, i was very frustrated and confused when i saw a testimony on the Internet about Dr Akpan on how he help Mrs Michele to bring back her husband back and i decided to contact him and he casted a spell on me but now i am very happy to say to you all that i am living a happy life with my wife without any problem so i will advise you all to contact Dr Akpan via email: ***@**** for your solution today and i guarantee and assure you 100% that your problem will be solve

with 24 hours.

Thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi,
I feel your pain...I too am married to an alcoholic. We have been married for 4 years, unfortunately we separated 18 days before our 4th year anniversary. Let me explain a bit about my life with my husband...He, just like your husband has never been violent towards me, but emotionally he destroys everyone he has a relationship with. BTW, I'm wife number 3. Little did I know, I thought I was number two, he didn't feel it was necessary to tell me about his first wife, since as he claims, "it was annulled". My husband has a very calm personality, loves to cook, and helps around the house with chores such as laundry and other things. Very lovable, sometimes when he isn't drinking, but on the other hand can be very condescending and moody when sober. Since our marriage began, he hasn't held a steady job...walks off at lunch time, and doesn't return due to having multiple drinks (his choice drink is vodka) or going in drunk and not being able to perform his job. He lost his first job 3 months after we married and it was downhill from there. Now mind you, my husband has a BA in Computer Science, highly intelligent and very manipulative. He can't hold a job, but can get another one within a week or so of losing the last one. It hadn't dawned on me until recently, but every year around the time rent is due, we have an argument due to his binging, and he leaves, and I am left to pay the rent. Somehow, we've gotten back together, but not this time...you see once it escalated and I felt like I was having a break down, and I bit him and ended up in jail for a night...well that taught me to work on myself. I learned to simply undress him and put him in the bed when he was on a binged. That left me with not much of a life, we didn't go many places together, because he only wanted to really do things when he was under the influence, including intimacy. I found myself married but single, longing for those moments when he was sober, yet not condescending. Then once while he was under the influence, he became delusional and struck a police officer, only after telling our property management that he thought I was trying to kill him, and that I was having an affair with his friend...well needless to say that landed him in jail for  night. All of this after receiving a DWI for the first time after driving intoxicated for over 20 years. Well when he called me and told me what happened (I wasn't home during his delusion...thank God) I went to the hotel that he went to, after the police released him without bail, and took him to a rehab. BTW, my husband has been to rehab 4 or 5 times. It dawned on me that my husband may also suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, or he suffers from psychosis. Not sure if it was brought on by the drinking (He's been drinking since he was 19 yrs. old, he is now 41) or if there was childhood trauma. His mother is truly irrational and domineering and seems to have a lot of control over him even at 41 years of age. I can take a lot, and in the 4 years that we have been married I have, however, in the past year I have found that my husband has seen and spoken to other women, and that I will not tolerate. I have a daughter that I must live for, and diseases  are nothing to play with. When my husband is intoxicated, I'm not sure if even he knows what he is capable of doing. All of this and not once has he ever said I'm sorry. Even in the 12 step program, it calls for humility, and I feel more than anything, this will be the death of my husband, because he will not apologize to anyone he has crossed. He has 2 beautiful daughters from his 2nd marriage that he hardly ever pays child support for and he breaks promises to them all the time. They are now old enough now to not hurt as much anymore. Alcoholism is awful, it destroys families. But I don not believe one should enable the alcoholic even if his/her outcome is death. Rock bottom is different for each person...my husband doesn't even realize when he's there. As if he hadn't done enough...the last straw for me was when we went to the bank on the 5th of the month to put the rest of the rent in the bank, and I went back and set in the car and he never came back to the car, neither did he put the rent in the bank, he hopped a train and went to stay with his father 2 hrs. away. He never called, didn't take his clothes, I called his father to tell him he was gone, and his father's reply was "oh he's here, I thought you put him out". I texted my husband and told him to come and get his things, his father brought him a month later, my husband never acknowledged doing anything, didn't even mention it, still to this day, doesn't say a word about anything. My fear is that now he has been unleashed on more innocent women. He's pretty smooth, only if you don't do your research...I only wish I had done mine.
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Avatar_m_tn
Contact {***@****},for any kind of problem you think that there will not be a solution i promise you that you will be a living testimony just give a try to him okay
he do it for me,and i have a strong believe that he will also do it for you...contact him now....(***@****)
I wish i have found this spell caster earlier before spending my money on
spell without result.His powers are really amazing and i enjoyed the
satisfaction


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Avatar_f_tn
It s simple get help or get out , when you ve gotten help come back , if it doesnt work or they dont continue recovery based programs let it go, get help to there are tons of support groups for families of alcoholics good luck I know its hard
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