How do you know when it is time to leave?

How do I know when it is time to stop trying to make my marriage work? I have 3 children ages 12, 10 and almost 2. My husband seems to always choose drinking over me and my children. He is not physically abusive, I just feel like we are always last on his list. Not sure if it is the economy or the alcohol abuse but he has lost thousands of dollars and my savings and credit are blown. I keep hoping things will change but I am beginning to loose faith. He refuses to go to rehab or to marriage counseling. I feel lost and very depressed. I am not sure were to turn but I want to do what is best for my children. I have tried al-anon but I guess I am looking for a quick fix. Any suggestions?

[Jaybay]

Your husband doesn't just "seem" to choose alcohol over you and the children; he IS choosing alcohol as the most important thing in his life.  

You first have to realize that you can't fix him, but you do have a choice.  It's up to you to choose how much more damage you will allow him to do to your finances and to your children.  Even without physical abuse, he is abusing himself, his marriage, his relationships, your joint finances and is emotionally absent.  Whatever he was before the drinking got out of control, he is not the same person now.

If you can't bring yourself to walk out yet, talk to a counselor yourself.  If you can find one, an addictionologist would be a good place to start to help you understand what you're up against.  You have an obligation to protect yourself and your children.  Since your husband refuses to change, you have to do some soul searching of your own.  If you stay in the marriage, you'll likely continue being a slave to supporting his destructive behavior.  Do you really want that?  What kind of example are you and your husband providing your children about marriage and parenting? You're the only one who can answer those questions.  Hopefully, counseling will help clear the cobwebs away enough for you to see a more clear path into the future.  

[d80ofoc]

I agree with JayBay wholeheartedly! I also want to add that what your kids are seeing right now in terms of your husband's behavior will affect them. This will cause trauma in kids and the way they will look at relationships in the future. So you need to leave and set hard boundaries for yourself. You need to live for you and your kids until he comes to his senses (if ever)...financially, you need to take control of what you have and start separating your finances. It is hard but its something that you must do! Then you will either need to move out with the kids or he needs to get out of the house. It might start as verbal abuse but it can turn to physical later. What he is going through right now you have no control of so you need to start protecting you and your kids. Good Luck...Regards

[babypooh]

I'm in the same place you are, dear so I can't even offer much advice; you're wondering the same thing I am.... But I do recommend you keep praying about it and ask God to help you with whatever decision you make. Be strong and do what you have to do for your children, for yourself, for your sanity. I will keep you in prayer and hope it ends up working out. I hope your husband seeks the Lord for help as well and that your marriage is saved.
I wish you the best.

[chloe802]

Wow- Your post sounds like mine and very many others. I have been through this... I am also now divorced, and yet still love my husband/now ex husband. You are in a very very tough, sad, but, "GOT TO MAKE A DECISION' area... I know you prob heard this a million times, but the alcoholic won't quit for anyone but themselves... They have to WANT to. We have 2 daughters, both from previous marriages. My daughter was 10 when I married him. She is now 17. I tried everything from threats, to not doing his laundry or making him dinner, fighting, tough love, kicked him out, threw divorce papers in his face, but I always let him come back. this was a repeated pattern for years. He too was not physical, but was emotionally "unavailable" to us and stopped showing interest in our girls and family. Drinking and friends ALWAYS trumped us. FINALLY, one day after kicking him out for the millionth time, my daughter (who was 16 at the time) said to me: "MOM! YOU HAVE TO STICK W? THIS, THIS TIME OR IT WON'T STOP! I SWEAR, IF YOU LET HIM BACK IN, I'M MOVING IN W/ GRANDMA & GRANDPA!" We are talking about my daughter, whom I raised on my own, my #1 love of my life, telling me she would leave me because of his constant drunk interuptions... I then realised I was not the only one going through this. I filed for divorce and didn't let him come back. I gave him a choice. He chose to drink.

As sad as I was losing him, the only man I would ever marry (I'm 37- planning on never again, but who knows at this point) my best friend, all the happy memories we made together and dreams were gone. How selfish a person can be once they are "lost" in their disease. He even had 3 grand mal seizures from the alcohol withdraw and has been in the hospital many many many times. He is homeless, can't pay his child support, no drivers lisence (lost it due to a DUI when he totalled out my new car) He has NOTHING. What do I have? A happy peaceful  stable home, a happy daughter w/ straight A's, and no stress because I'm wondering where he is at, if he is ok, if he is coming home, if our electric is going to be shut off because he didn't pay the bill again, etc... I'm starting all over. Sometimes you just have to take that risk and chance and "let go." If he loves you, more important, loves himself and your kids, he will quit. If he doesn't- let go for awhile. He just might come back sober...

[CG0022]

I am so sorry you are going through this.. I am in the same boat and understand how you are feeling. I am asking myself that same question. I guess the real question is "Have I had enough of my husbands lies and empty promises". My husband of 2 years is an alcoholic, a binge drinker. He does not think he has a problem, except on his "hang over, regret days", then he will apologize with all the "I'm sorry's" in the world. I am at my breaking point. I have put up with his abuse, he has hit me one time when he was drunk and gave me a busted lip. He is a very angry drunk. No matter what the topic is when he is drunk, it is somehow my fault. He becomes very verbally abusive. I have kicked him out on one occasion for over a month but took him back after he promised me he would never drink again. That lasted 3 weeks. Now he is slowly falling back into his old weekend party binge drinking. He is the type that once he has one drink, he has to have 15. He can't just have one. He has drained our savings accounts, put our marriage though the wringer and I am tired of it. Why should I suffer when I don't even drink at all! He has promised me he would go to therapy and a marriage counselor
but that never happened. So What do we do? Do we get out now before we waste anymore time on these men? I love my husband very much, much sometimes love isn't enough right? I know I deserve better, so why do I stay? I know deep down he will not change, if he wanted to he would of already. :( Stinks my life has suffered because of his demons.

[WheresHappilyEverAfter]

I'm in pretty much the same boat (except that I'm not married to the alcoholic/addict/thief). I've been with my fiancé for a year during which time he's only worked for about a month (seasonal) and when that work ended, that was it. He's "tried" to find a job but ends up never being able to land one (and then I find 40s in my vehicle or his that he forgot to toss). He too gets very ugly when he's drunk but insists that he does not have a problem. The last time he was drunk he disappeared for 2 days and didn't come home until 7:30am on a Tuesday. At that point I'd finally had enough and told him to get out. He refused and when I took his keys to separate my house keys from his car keys (it's my house that he moved into & has paid rent once in the past year) he started yelling and screaming, hit me, tried to smother me in my own sofa and when I fought back & got him out of the house by calling 911, since he was too drunk still to find his car keys outside (I managed to throw them out the window) he never left. 911 showed up and since I fought him off hard enough to bruise him worse than he marked me up, the FEMALE officer took ME TO JAIL. I was in a complete state of shock. I have never in my life been in any sort of trouble and just couldn't believe that after being hit by a guy weighing in at more that 80 lbs than me, the police actually insisted that I was the "primary agressor" and I now have to go to court and defend myself for defending myself. Luckily I have no children and he is still at my home because the police told him (and me) that if I want him gone, I have to evict him!!!
If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, please share because I'm still at a total loss. To make it all the more fantastic, I have a spinal injury for a pretty bad car accident that I was in a year or so before I met him and I take medication and have physical therapy, etc. He tells me that I am the one with a problem and then while I'm sleeping, in a different room, etc, he goes through my bags and steals my medication. I've put it in safes, various bags, wherever I could think of and he always finds it, steals it and then on top of that goes and drinks which is not attractive at all. I hate to even admit that I love(d) him and that I always somehow manage to forget the addict-him when he's gone and let him back in. Right now I've left my house while he was away visiting family in another state but eventually I'll have to go home. He is extremely convincing in his denial of his illness so the law isn't even on my side now and I have to hide out until I can figure out what steps to take next. It's very sad because he is incredibly talented, skillful at a number of job types but they would require effort and he knows that he doesn't "have to". He refuses to leave me be and it always ends up the same; I kick him out, he goes back to his mothers house (and she is more than willing to take him in), then he starts calling incessantly until I give in and then it all starts up all over again.
:(  

[Jaybay]

Your story is my story with the exception of the violence.  I am also a chronic pain patient and this weekend my husband decided to help himself for the first time in 5 years.  I flushed the breakthrough meds last night and will detox from the fentanyl patch.  I can't have the stuff in the house and honestly, I don't know how much good it's doing me after so long.

You might need to instigate formal eviction proceedings against your boyfriend since the considered him a tenant.  Since he doesn't have a formal lease agreement though, I can't imagine what in the world the police were thinking.  He's actually more of a squatter right now.  Call your justice of the peace clerk to find out what the legal process is and what documents you need to file.

What a horror story!  The law is about as screwed up as anything I've ever heard.  I hope to God you have money for a good attorney.  Meanwhile, I suggest you change your locks and telephone number.  If you've really had enough of the revolving door, chaos and abuse you'll do it today.

[Teetime4u]

I know exactly where you are at. I just told my husband of 15 years that either he stops drinking and goes to AA for help. Or I am fling for divorce. He is refusing AA and said he will slow down, but as you know that never lasts. I no longer want to walk around on egg shells to prevent his drinking and temper. The ranting and raving about usually unknown reasons. I already reised a child in this environment and now she is an opiate addict. See the pattern?? So for your sake and your children get yourself into Alanon and help yourself and your children. God Bless.

[rhifallon]

i hear u...i always when  do i kno when its time to leave....when its good its really good but when its bad its really bad....i have kids too that are 4 and 9 and i hate when he asks them to get him a beer....my 9yr old can tell when my bf has been drinking and i hate that he knows that he even drinks.....ive told my bf so many times that i hate how he is when he drinks....but he just keeps drinking.....he drinks every day...i love him to dealth, i really do but i hate his drinking....i hate my kids seeing it...we have been together for 8yrs but i dont want to keep waiting and waste my time.....he has stopped before but only has made it 4dys.....he is getting health problems from it now and i dont want to take care of him because of what he is doing to himself later on down the road...i know that sounds mean.....but that is how i feel...i came to this site hoping for help support and advise so i hope that this site is helpful to you...i dont have any magic answer...i just wanted you to know that there are people out there that are in the same boat so that you dont feel so alone....or like u are doing the wrong thing by staying or leaving....but i always tell myself that i will really know when its time for me to leave...i dont want to loose myself.....above all, we are the most important...we need to take care of ourselves...good luck...i hope u are doing ok.....

[tired7832]

Hi,
I just want to say that you really did the right thing...getting a Divorce.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic. When we met he was already sober for 2 years.
He's now been sober for 8 years. You would think that if your mate would just get sober....all would be good.
Not so.
My husband isn't drinking but he still has that Alcoholic Behavior. He is the most selfish person I've ever met.
I mean, I know we can all have our selfish ways.....but this is to the extreme. It's very disturbing.
He Isolates, Self Absorbed, Refuses to help pay any bills at all, Kept his own apartment (which I don't have a key to) so he can keep moving back when he can't handle hearing me say "You are the Head, be responsible for your family".
5 years together and 6months married......It has been the biggest mistake of my life.
We are in court now because he wants visitation with our 4 year old.
These people (Alcoholics) also have an indecisive disease too...the Big Book of AA saids so.
We have been to court twice because he can't make up his mind if he wants full custody, joint custody and when he wants to visit his child.
But here's the HIT.......Between each court date....we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years together as a family. And the kids (I have 2 other kids from a previous marriage) we're visiting with him every weekend.
But every time we went to court, he would treat me as if I wasn't allowing him to see our child. He talked to the Judge as if I were his enemy. We were even having Marital Relations.....even though we are separated. I mean he is my husband.
So now we have another court date on April 20. This time I have a lawyer and we will finalize this crap ASAP.
He also wants a Divorce....because he saids I nag him to much about this being responsible stuff. I should have been grateful he was home and not running the street.
I said well....that's like a kid going to school every day with perfect attendance but Never participates, Never turn in project, Never does his homework.....the kid will still fail.
Here's the thing. He will participate just enough to allow me to believe that he really wants to be apart of us. He'll do this for about 2-3months.
Then he just STOPS.
He'll pay a bill for 2 or 3 months then he'll stop.
He'll participate in family trips sometimes and then when he feels like he's done enough.....he's shown that he is capable......he STOPS everything and Isolates in the basement.
Stays on his computer playing games or watching TV.
The only thing he has always done....which I never complained about....he gos to his AA meeting everyday....sometimes twice a day.
I love it when he gos, because he seems to come back on a "high" and want to be a family man.
But like most "Highs" it never last.
This Man Is  8 Years Sober.....And Selfish as HELL.
Actively Drinking or Still Sober......the Alcoholic Behavior never STOPS.
And NO Amount of Prayer keeps the family together....I know because I've prayed and fast.........NO Changes.
We're getting a Divorce because that's easier for him.
Rather than going to counseling or wanting to fix our family.
Oh and to top it ALL Off.....My Husband is 51 years old and I'm 32 years old. He's immature at 51.
I've done all I could.........I love my husband.
He rather take me to court for visitation than go to family counseling to keep his family.
Just selfishness.
Thank God I'm financially stable and spiritually in tune......because sometime I feel like breaking down.

[frankiemuniz01]

I keep hoping things will change but I am beginning to loose faith. He refuses to go to rehab or to marriage counseling. I feel lost and very depressed. I am not sure were to turn but I want to do what is best for my children. I have tried al-anon but I guess I am looking for a quick fix. Any suggestions

[Tracy2389]

I am in the same old boat as all of you! quite sad isn't it I have been with my fiance for 8 years we have 2 kids 6 and 2...I have been with him since I was 15 I'm now 23...he has stopped drinking a couple times sometimes for a month or 2 others a year but always started again!...he is not physically abusive but my couceller says he is mentally abusive...I'm now wondering how much more I can take I say ill just wait until it gets really bad then leave but all that happens is my tolorance grows for his alcohol abuse...I just wanna be happy again its so hard leaving when we have shared so much for so long...I have now become so weak that I can't even seem to make decisions for myself and he always makes me feel guilty somehow?.....I dunno just though I'd share some of my story...may god bless every one of us and help us and our children through this!!!!

[Fireflyeminem]

Dont wait until he throws a punch leave know. Your children are hurt emotionally about there dad u need to leave if u care about ur self and ur kids leave

[Fireflyeminem]

Dont wait until he throws a punch leave know. Your children are hurt emotionally about there dad u need to leave if u care about ur self and ur kids leave

[NoMoreGrief]

I read your story and thought to myself. that girl is me! Actually i should say "was" me. I also have 2 small children, and the alcohol always came before us. When sober, my ex was a wonderful dad, and, to give him some sort of credit, a wonderful partner.. but when he drank, that all went out the window. The times i had to take my children from the home due to his behaviour, the angry phone calls and abuse i got for leaving, the promises that he made and i kept believing all broken. He never hit me either, but the last time i wasn't sticking around to find out if it would escalate to that, and YOU shouldn't either! To make matters worse, when i didn't give in, i had his whole entire family start abusing me, calling me, stalking me, yelling in front of the children, threatening...the list goes on. And yes, i found my own place and we tried to make things work, another promise was broken and thats when i said no more! He has an addiction with alcohol, we are no better because we are addicted to them. Like any addiction, it takes time and strength to overcome it, but you can!! Just because he cant let go of his addiction, doesnt mean you cant let go of your addiction to him. I have done it, i continue to do it, and the main reason is because my children DESERVE BETTER!! So do yours...good luck

[E71465]

NoMoreGrief,
Thank you, you're right!  I am addicted to him just like he is addicted to alcohol. Until I read what your wrote, I never thought I was addicted to him but I am!  He always leaves me and I always let him come back and then we start the cycle all over again. This time, he has chosen alcohol over me for the last time! I am done, I will over come my addiction to him.

Alli

[E71465]

NoMoreGrief,
Thank you, you're right!  I am addicted to him just like he is addicted to alcohol. Until I read what your wrote, I never thought I was addicted to him but I am!  He always leaves me and I always let him come back and then we start the cycle all over again. This time, he has chosen alcohol over me for the last time! I am done, I will over come my addiction to him.

Alli