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Husband in denial
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Husband in denial

I am going to Alanon tonight for the first time in hopes that I can clear my mind, that I am in fact not going crazy.

I have been enabling my husband for 4 years now.  It wasn't until the past year that I have come to terms that my depression is related to watching him numb himself every night with 2 bottles of wine or equivalent of beer, and not being strong enough to tell him to stop. Why? because when I do, he turns into a battle about every topic under the sun...then he takes off in the car and threatens to look for a place to live.

Last night I asked him why we have become so isolated from our friends and why our relationship is turning into roommates and not romantic partners, he shifts the blame on me. Telling me I haven't lost the baby fat after my pregnancy 2 years ago.  I am 115 pound 5'6 and my friends (the ones I still manage to keep) think if I get any skinnier I will be anorexic.

But I made a promise to him that if I run every day, I want him to stop drinking. He agreed for the most part minus weekends.  

He was doing OK the past few weeks, I would say a total of 5 days off and on without drinking. However, the other night he was vomiting perfusely for hours. I told him it might be withdrawals and he shrugged it off as if I was crazy.

Last night was the last straw.  I have relatives coming into town, so I needed to take a day off from running, but I was still over exerting myself cleaning and painting while he watched. Then he popped the bottle of wine and this feeling of betrayal came all over me. When I questioned why he was drinking, he said it was because I wasn't running. There I was working my A*%^ off and he went outside to smoke and drink.

I feel I have done way more than my share in this marriage..
- Financially supportive..since I make a considerable amount more than him
- Responsible to pick up and drop off our baby - which makes my commute an hour long.
- Not to mention the daily tasks when I get home to clean, cook, and run the dog (that he wants nothing to do with).
But, now I need me to be under 100 pounds for him to even notice me.

Why would he give up what I think is an amazing life for alcohol.   I always support him in all his other endeavors. he loved me for that at one time..

Now he just criticizes me if I don't agree with him.

I told him I was going to Alanon and his words were "WHATEVER".  I told him that I am tired of being angry and I am taking reposiblity for the mess I have put myself in, which is why I need Alanon.

I don't think he will respond...but I know he will start looking for a place. That is is defense...

Should I always be in fear of him leaving????  Should I just let him drink and turn my eyes? He's fine unless I bother him about his drinking.
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Sorry there were typos in my last post...

I am going to Alanon tonight for the first time in hopes that I can clear my mind, that I am in fact not going crazy.

I have been enabling my husband for 4 years now.  It wasn't until the past year that I have come to terms that my depression is related to watching him numb himself every night with 2 bottles of wine or equivalent of beer, and not being strong enough to tell him to stop. Why? because when I do, he turns into a battle about every topic under the sun...then he takes off in the car and threatens to look for a place to live.

One night I asked him why we have become so isolated from his friends and why our relationship is turning into roommates and not romantic partners, he shifts the blame on me. Telling me I haven't lost the baby fat after my pregnancy 2 years ago.  I am 115 pound 5'6 and my friends (the ones I still manage to keep) think if I get any skinnier I will be anorexic.

But I made a promise to run everyday if he stops drinking. He agreed for the most part minus weekends.  

He was doing OK the past few weeks, I would say a total of 5 days off and on. However, the other night he was vomiting perfusely for hours. I told him it might be withdrawals, and he shrugged it off as if I was crazy.

Last night (week night) was the last straw.  I have relatives coming into town, so I needed to take a day off from running, but I was still over exerting myself cleaning and painting while he watched. Then he popped the bottle of wine and this feeling of betrayal came all over me. When I questioned why he was drinking, he said it was because I wasn't running. There I was working my A*%^ off and he went outside to smoke and drink.

I feel I have done way more than my share in this marriage..
- Metally and physically supportive
- Financially supportive..since I make a considerable amount more than him
- Responsible to pick up and drop off our baby - which makes my commute an hour long.
- Not to mention the daily tasks when I get home to clean, cook, and run the dog (that he wants nothing to do with).
But, now I need me to be under 100 pounds for him to even notice me. (romance is null at this point)

Why would he give up what I think is an amazing life for alcohol.   I always support him in all his other endeavors. He loved me for that at one time..

Now he just criticizes me if I don't agree with him.

I told him I was going to Alanon and his words were "WHATEVER".  I told him that I am tired of being angry and I am taking responsibility for the mess I have put myself in, which is why I need Alanon.  No Text back...

I don't think he will respond...but I know he will start looking for a place. That is is defense...

Should I always be in fear of him leaving????  Why have I lost who I am...I use to be stronger than this. He has made my selfasteem turn into nothing.

Should I just let him drink and turn my eyes? He's fine as a "rommate" unless I bother him about his drinking?
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82861_tn?1333457511
You just about wrote my life story.  We spouses of alcoholics really take an emotional beating.  It's their way of deflecting attention from themselves and we're the convenient scapegoats.  As if our behavior could ever have any control over their drinking.  Don't I wish!

I am delighted to hear that you're giving Al-Anon a try.  It's so hard to separate yourself from an alcoholic's actions while you're trying to live with him.  Many times the marriage fails and there's not a thing in the world wrong with that.  Some people choose to stay together, but they can learn how to better deal with the alcoholic by working the Al-Anon program.  

Al-Anon follows the same 12-step program as AA.  That surprised me at first.  I thought, "I'm not the one with the problem - HE is!"  Well, yes I am.  The problem is how I deal with his drinking and shoulder the consequences of his drinking and isolate myself because of his drinking and live in fear of his drinking and being angry all the time because of his drinking - you know the drill.

You can't control him no matter how much weight you lose or how nice and accommodating you are to him or how much you break your back trying to make a pleasant and comfortable home.  If you weren't in the picture, he'd find someone or something else to blame his drinking on.  

What you CAN do is start doing things for yourself rather than for him and Al-Anon is a great place to start.  If you're financing his drinking, you can stop. Matter of fact it's always a good idea to protect your finances from a drunk.  They'll take and take until there's nothing left to take and then find someone else to take from.  

Your husband sounds so much like mine.  He too thought he could control his drinking and set out to restrict it to weekends.  That lasted two or three weeks.  The weekends quickly turned into 3- and 4-day binges with maybe an extra day or two throw in randomly just because.  Just because he had a bad day, or a good day, or just because he could.  He couldn't ever just have one or two beers and stop.  EVER.  It was 18-24 or nothing and it was rarely nothing.  Even in the face of skyrocketing liver enzymes, job loss, financial ruin and warnings from numerous doctors he just couldn't control it.  

My husband has been in an intensive outpatient rehab program for a month now and the difference is remarkable.  It didn't happen because I "made" him do it.  It happened because because I pulled the financial rug out from under him.  It wasn't about him anymore it was about ME.  I can't stand the person I've become over the past several years as a response to his drinking.  Shoot, I don't even quite know who I am anymore but I'm finally crawling out the black hole I dug for myself to escape his behavior.  Funny how we family members seem to experience all the consequences to their drinking isn't it?  

I hope your first meeting is a good one.  Give it some time.  You didn't reach this point in a day and it'll take time to soak everything and reach the point that you can make some positive changes in your life - whatever they may be.  Congratulations!
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495284_tn?1333897642
How did the meeting go?
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1666434_tn?1325265950
I will just add that my first meeting was quite emotional for me.  I don't even remember what anyone said, I think I cried the whole time or was in my own head at least, lol

Going to a meeting was like me admitting to ALL of these people that I had no control over my partner's drinking.... it was admitting that there was something I couldn't "fix"-----
come to find out in reality it's not my responsibility to fix someone else, it is my responsibility to fix myself.

So with that being said someone told me to give meetings a chance and to go to at least 6 of them before I make up my mind, so I did.  I went to about one a week and sometimes more.  And its ok to find your own interpretations on everything, my anxiety attacks slowly went away and I slowly came back to the person I was supposed to be, no in control of others, but in control of myself.
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