This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
In the beginning of our 14 year marriage, both my husband and I were alcohoics. My husband stopped drinking 10 years ago, and I quite 6 1/2 years ago. I thought we were finally done with the demon and the hatred of what it does to you. Last night, on his 53rd birthday, he tells me he is going to start having a couple of beers to relax. I was devastated. I can only remember what it was like when he was in his prime. There never was a "relax"ing drink.
I have been on pain medicine for my surgeries but not addicted to the medication - which he says I have to "relax". I really know if I have this problem or not, I'll be coming off what I think will be my last prescription in 3 weeks. I don't fear it, in fact I can't wait to get off these things. But I want to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. But I kept trying to tell him last night, that this is not about me, it is about him! He has a way of manipulating most circumstances to have them end up being my fault or problem, and he is very good at it!
We have been under alot of pressure with the economy - I lost my job 2 years ago, have had 2 knees and a hip replaced in the last 6 years, our house is in limbo with the banks and we have won law suits that will take care of it ut the lawyers are not taking care of it quit enough.
I am so afraid, hurt, depressed and worried with this problem back in our liife now. What can I do?
There's not much you can do except pray and get support for yourself. Nagging him won't work. Trust me, I know.
My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years and he's been on and off the alcohol throughout our marriage. He did quit for a long time, went to AA and all that. I was real proud of him. Now he's back in denial (like your husband) and saying he can control this and have a drink if he wants. He thinks he's controlling it because he's not getting drunk but I know what you mean. It's devestating. You feel like you're right back to square one. And when they're caught up in that denial, they can't seem to understand why we make a big deal of it. They will go right back to being defensive, or blaming you.
I suggest you go to Al Anon, get some support and do what YOU want to do. I know it's hard, believe me. But you need to take care of yourself. Your husband is a grown man and will make his own choices, even if they're bad ones, and there's nothing you can do about that.
Keep praying! Pray that God will convict his heart and take the compulsion to drink from him. Also, pray that God will give you peace no matter what happens. God is faithful. He will be with you, even in the darkest times. I know that one first hand.
April2 - your words ring out my thoughts exactly. I feel like I have no leverage right now because I lost my job 2 years ago, just went through hip replacement surgery and have no real direction to take. I suppose it's God's way of telling me to hang in there and try to work it out. I have to pray that he sees what it is doing to the grown sons we have (I haven't talked to them yet).
I will take your thoughts on Al Anon - I know a good chapter (the AA meeting I used to attend), they will both be good for me. I hope it sends a message, without coming across as nagging. So far I have only been with him once (on his birthday - how do you counter that?) when he was drinking and managed to keep it together. But I KNOW that's not going to last. I pray he nips this quickly, before it gets bad again.
I feel as though I am the cause since I am the one who lost her job, and can't seem to find another one. I am trying hard, using my network, digging up old contacts, changing my resume etc. But I just feel as though if I could land a job that it would relieve the pressure and things could get better again. I know God is faithful and will never put us through something we cannot handle, so I will continue to pray and find a peaceful way to get where I can be safe and healthy.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and blessings.
You cannot blame yourself. Don't even let yourself go there. He is a grown man and perfectly capable of making his own choices. We all are responsible for our choices we make in life, good or bad. Don't take this on yourself and don't let him blame you either. We all have stressful times in our lives. We just have to learn how to deal with them in healthy ways.
Hang in there. I hope things get better for you all soon. Take care!
Hi, i am sara, a recovering alcoholic/addict. Please dont blame yourself. It is not your fault that your husband is drinking again. We are masters at the blame game as it takes all the accountability and responsibilities off of us. The one thing active addicts hate is looking at themselves and having to admit anything. There is NO reason in the world to use. That is just a cop out. Using is just a symptom of what is going on with your husband. The only thing you can do right now is take care of you. Check out some alanon meetings in your area. You cant change him but you can change how you react to the situation. Chin up girl!! You stay in your recovery and if you need anything once you come off those pain meds look us up on the Substance Abuse forum. We have alot of good people there that can help you get thru the wd's.
April.....Excellent advice my friend!!! I am impressed~~~~sara
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