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Is he an alcoholic & should we separate
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Is he an alcoholic & should we separate

I have been with my husband for 5 years.  We have been married for 2 years.  And we have twin boys who are almost a year old.  My husband drinks at least 6 beers, almost daily (sometimes more).  He gets very moody, and although he has gotten better, we fight and he ocassionally gets violent and breaks things in the house.  He has also hit me, pushed me, and spit in my face.  I have called the cops on him, and he has pushed me and twisted my wrist when I was pregnant with the twins.  I am now getting to a point where I can't live with the mood swings or his drinking any more.  I'm scared for my boys.  I would do anything for them to have the best life possible.  It's really tough for me because when my husband and I are getting along, he is an absolutely amazing husband - good and sweet, and he could win the award for father of the year.  He is totally hands on with the boys and they are the center of his world.  But I'm scared for when the get older and they realize whats going on more.  I need advice on what to do.  He keeps promising me he will change, but nothing ever happens and we end up right back where we were.  Should we separate.  I think I know in my heart the answer, but I really need to hear it from some folks.  Are me and my boys going to be worse off if we don't separate?  My husband believes he can fix himself without the help of AA or without stopping drinking totally.  Is this rediculous?  (also, i forgot to mention that my husband's drinking has caused me to have almost zero relationship with my family, they have all turned their backs on me b/c they've had enough)  HELP! Any words of advice would be appreciated!
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1611284_tn?1301984263
:(

I need to say that you are also experimenting physical abuse which is a seperate issue. I know some people will suggest that this is the alcohol but in all actuality it isn't. It may contribute to him having the galls to lay hands on you in the first place but make no mistake, it's something that is already in him. Some people drink and cry, or giggle, or become sexual, or violent. But theyre all things that people had in them that have the potential to surface...kwim?

The problem with this, is that if things get worse or if there is ever an incident where he hits you again or has become irate to the point to where you are forced to call the police; if your twins are in the home witness this, you may have child protective services to deal with. They are often notorious for placing blame on the victim/mother for not 'protecting' her children by 1) either leaving the father and seeking help at an abuse shelter 2) if things progress to that point-testifying against him in court... I'm not saying this to scare you. I'm sharing this because I've seen this happen tooooooo many times before. It's very sad, usually leaving the victim more traumatized and distrustful towards the people she called on for help. In my community, this is how women end up getting hurt very badly, or killed because they refuse to call the police because of how the justice system treats mothers. They don't care to understand what battered wives syndrome is, they only care about conviction statistics.

This post may seem extreme, but it's possible for things to get out of hand fast when it comes to alcohol, abuse, and children. You CANNOT help your husband. I know you want to, but you can't. Right now, you may feel as if you just understand him a little more, love him a little more, let things slide a little more it will help...it won't. You are enabling him by accepting anything other than him wanting to get help. He has to want this as this is his life and his family. I won't lie to you, the guilt will be tremendous. It's a dark dance, that of the alcoholic and co alcoholic. It ***** all around. You want to know if you're boys are affected--yes. Children are very smart and are little sponges. They need they're father sober, healthy and respectful to their mother but in the mean time they need a mom who isn't distracted or crying or scared. They need you right now and your boys are who you CAN help.

I feel your pain more than you will ever know. One day, in your heart, you will...reach that point of truly understanding the phrase you can't help him. Until then, try to make as many logical choices as you can. Maybe you are scared to leave him/be without him, but in reality you are losing him to the bottle anyway...

All the best

PS  If you haven't tried yet, find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It helps to hear stories similiar to your own.
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Avatar_f_tn
My heart goes out to you knowing how stressful your life must be because of your hubby's drinking problems.

An addict of any shape or form doesn't mean the person is a bad or beyond help.  However,
it would take his own will to stop his addiction, no one else can do the job for him.

I've been watching 'Celebrity Rehap with Dr.Drew'..and it helps me to understand and affirms my believe that behind the addiction, there's deeper issue needs to be solved at the same time to stay sober.  

If he drinks persistantly and becomes aggressively abusive to you, it is not a good enviroment to grow up for your childrean.  As much as you love him, you MUST think of your twins first...they're your priority as well as your own health and well bring. It can only get worse with your husband, without any professional guidance and help.  Most addicit believe that they can stop whenever they want to.  Truth is they cannot stop.

I hope I've helped your somewhat .  I'm sure that you do know what you should do, deep down,without anyone suggestions.  Yes?

Please don't feel that you're stuck, totaly alone,...I don't think it is a coincidence that I stumbled back into MedHelp and saw your post.  Please know I'm here for support...if you feel like msg me anytime just so you have someone who liistens without prejudice.  

Please take care and tread each day gently.

In friendship,
Kit
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1542096_tn?1293166524
If you would do anything for them, you need to get them away from their father before e hurts you or them or teaches them to act like he does.  All the promises in the world mean nothing without change.  you must realie that he needs help but not the kind of help you can give him.  

You and your babies need help and you need to be in a safe and steady environment, ithut the termoil and craziness that the Father is creating.  Pack your bags and don't look back, you can't help him, but you can help yourself and your babies and it is time to do that, NOW!
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1235186_tn?1339127464
hello and welcome so glad you found this site. i am the wife of a recovering addict. it can be hell on earth. you definitely should not have to tolerate his aggresive (aggressive) behavior and abuse. you need to protect yourself and your children. addicts have to first admit they have an addiction. then when they realize that it controls their lives and they are sick and tired of it then they have to make the changes that are necessary. they definitely can become violent and angry and anything or anyone in the way watch out. you need to try to talk to your husband and tell him that you love him but you can't continue to live like you have been, it needs to start to get better. suggest that he talk to a therapist, go to aa/na meetings, talk to a pastor or priest, try marriage counseling. if he doesn't admit there is a problem than there isn't much you can do for him at this point. you should look up attending alanon meetings in your area. they can give you advice and support. please continue to post and talk to us. i know all about how you are feeling. i have 4 children and endured years of my husbands addiction. as many times as i asked him to leave he always said i pay the bills. so we slept in separate bedrooms for years and the children and i went to therapy. finally after he did leave and was sick and tired of his addcition did he go to a rehab. now he has been clean for one year and we are healing. i also had called the police and had him arrested. the fighting and yelling was really horrible on my kids. please when you babys are still young try to do whatever you can to avoid the dysfunction  that continues to happen. i will pray for you and hope you will be strong. let me know if we can help we live in nj also.
God bless you
debbie
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1611284_tn?1301984263
:(

I need to say that you are also experimenting physical abuse which is a seperate issue. I know some people will suggest that this is the alcohol but in all actuality it isn't. It may contribute to him having the galls to lay hands on you in the first place but make no mistake, it's something that is already in him. Some people drink and cry, or giggle, or become sexual, or violent. But theyre all things that people had in them that have the potential to surface...kwim?

The problem with this, is that if things get worse or if there is ever an incident where he hits you again or has become irate to the point to where you are forced to call the police; if your twins are in the home witness this, you may have child protective services to deal with. They are often notorious for placing blame on the victim/mother for not 'protecting' her children by 1) either leaving the father and seeking help at an abuse shelter 2) if things progress to that point-testifying against him in court... I'm not saying this to scare you. I'm sharing this because I've seen this happen tooooooo many times before. It's very sad, usually leaving the victim more traumatized and distrustful towards the people she called on for help. In my community, this is how women end up getting hurt very badly, or killed because they refuse to call the police because of how the justice system treats mothers. They don't care to understand what battered wives syndrome is, they only care about conviction statistics.

This post may seem extreme, but it's possible for things to get out of hand fast when it comes to alcohol, abuse, and children. You CANNOT help your husband. I know you want to, but you can't. Right now, you may feel as if you just understand him a little more, love him a little more, let things slide a little more it will help...it won't. You are enabling him by accepting anything other than him wanting to get help. He has to want this as this is his life and his family. I won't lie to you, the guilt will be tremendous. It's a dark dance, that of the alcoholic and co alcoholic. It ***** all around. You want to know if you're boys are affected--yes. Children are very smart and are little sponges. They need they're father sober, healthy and respectful to their mother but in the mean time they need a mom who isn't distracted or crying or scared. They need you right now and your boys are who you CAN help.

I feel your pain more than you will ever know. One day, in your heart, you will...reach that point of truly understanding the phrase you can't help him. Until then, try to make as many logical choices as you can. Maybe you are scared to leave him/be without him, but in reality you are losing him to the bottle anyway...

All the best

PS  If you haven't tried yet, find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It helps to hear stories similiar to your own.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you all so much for all of your heartfelt responses.  You have no idea how much I need to have a dose of reality.  When you are living it, it is so hard to know what normal is.  It's so sad, because I am a successful young lady who has everything going for me.  I NEVER thought this would be my life.  I am strong, and I am a survivor.  I will fight for whats right for me and my children.  THANK YOU!  God Bless you all.
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