This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I am new to this discussion forum. I am trying to find out if my wife is an alchoholic or not. Just yesterday I mentioned to her that she might have a drinking problem and that I would support her if she never wanted to drink again in her life. Her dad and some of her close relatives are alcoholics, so it runs in her family. I am concerned that my wife if falling into that trap and it is really affecting our relationship now. I am at the point where I NEED to do something or this isn't going to work.
We are both in our late 20's and enjoyed a very well rounded college experience full of frat and sorority parties, etc. We both drink socially and enjoy to have a couple beers every once in a while. However, with my wife, it seems to be different (or am I just imaging this). When she only drinks a few beers it seem as though she is drunk already and when we are in social situations she drinks fast and can't stop drinking until we leave. She becomes this other person that embarasses me by telling personal stories to strangers, she doesn't stop talking and appears to no understand her surrounding very well. If you tell her to slow down or stop drinking, she gets pissed and says "I am fine." It is hard for me to tell the difference b/c we both like to drink beers every once in a while. She does say on occasion that she really like beer and especially the taste of it, but so do I, right?
The more I have been thinking about this in the last several months the more I am picking up on this that she says or does to address alchohol. She also asks if I am ordering a drink when we go out to dinner, like it is approval for her to order a drink. Also, she normall tries to refill everyone elses drinks when we are in a social or family social situation. Again, I think she is masking the fact that she once another beer. She drinks beer FAST and will NEVER turn down a beer if someone offers it. Also, she does buy beer, not necessarily to drink it right away, but just to have it in the house. She does crack open a can or bottle of beer some nights, just to have one.
Is there something to be said for an achoholic to just have one beer? Does that make them feel better and fullfill their crave?
Just two days ago she was at work social outting that started at noon. I was supposed to meet up with everyone after work for dinner and a couple of drinks at the bar, but that didn't happen. After her not returning any calls or txt msgs, she finallly stumble in the door at 6PM **** drunk with puke down the front of her. She fell taking her clothes off, puke in the bathroom sink and just went to bed. that night she got up 5 times to throw up. I was very dissapointed and really angry that she got so drunk at a work event. Am I over reacting? This is just one example.....
you are not over reacting, i seem to be in the same boat as you. my partner drinks nearly every day, whereas i drink a few beers now and again, i thought this from the start of our relationship and didnt know if i was imagining it, when we go out she wants to drink beer with chasers and shots all night, not only does she get plastered but i end up spending a fortune just to keep her happy as when drunk if its not her way she gets angry, this has got to the point that i no longer go out with her drinking and have cut out drinking myself almost fully(which i enjoyed socialy). we have been through so many ups and downs ive lost count. shes the best though when not drinking, we have lived together for 18 months and she has an amazing 3yr old son who i care so much about that when ive come to the point of splitting up i cant leave him to deal with her alone as his real dad is also an everyday drinker and whatever else he does, thank god he doesnt have to see him aswell.
i will tell you what she has drunk since sat and u tell me if this is a prob :- sat she went out with mate till 3 am drunk
sun 5 x cans of lager & 2 bottles of wine
mon 1 x bottle of wine
tues 1 x bottle of wine
wed 1 x bottle of wine
and today is wed, when i say to her she says she hasnt a prob cos she doesnt need a drink in morning, and says if i get on at her it makes her drink more so i should just leave her and she will cut down(but doesnt)
her father too was an alchoholic but stopped years ago but has now since died. her brother too drinks most nights,
she wants to have another child with me an i agreed but she had misscarraige, now she wants to try again but i dont want to bring another child into this world of drinking. it isnt what i want them to see growing up, she is a great mum to her son, but can see the effects seeing her drunk has on him,although she usualy starts when he goes to bed,
i might just be getting old or something but i think its not right,,,
what can i do..... cant leave him with her and she aint gonna stop drinking cos ive told her to cut it out or i will leave and she doesnt.
You both are in the same boat. The one thing you need to know is that they will not stop drinking, unless and until they want too. Nothing you can do or say will change that. I know from experience that it is hard to watch someone you love go through this. I would suggest that you look into Alanon. It will help you cope with living with an alcoholic.
Sadly, it takes someone to hit bottom before they accept the fact that they need help. For my husband it was a twenty year struggle. I reached the point in our relationship that I could no longer watch him kill himself, so I told him that he had one last chance, he either got help or got out. Thankfully this time he really wanted the help. He has been sober for 5 yrs now and it has been the best thing that has ever happened for us and our relationship.
I absolutely agree with jml1986. You should definitely go to Alanon - go several times to start to understand what you are dealing with. Alcoholism comes in many packages - some drink daily, some on weekends, some periodically. But there are some commonalities.
One common thread - they drink despite adverse consequences
It is true, an alcoholic must "hit bottom" before they will get help. HOWEVER, you can help to bring the bottom up to them by setting strict boundaries about what you are willing to tolerate. But if you set a boundary, you better be prepared to follow through. If they see your words are meaningless, you're screwed!
One may need to remove themselves from the environment. You might want to have a CALM discussion (not while anyone is drinking) and express your concerns. Beware - they probably will not be happy about this. Ask yourself how you want to live your life. This is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease - don't kid yourself.
Begging, pleading, crying, threatening will have no affect!
Oh, and one more thing - do not, under any circumstances, participate in any drinking with an alcoholic - this is just enabling. If this means you do not drink yourself for a while, so be it. If curtailing your own alcohol intake makes you resentful, you may want to look at why alcohol is so important to you.
Well I do not have a partner who is an alcoholic, but my mother is and your partner is showing he same signs as when my mother started to become an alcoholic. The instance that really reflects towards my mother is when you said "she normall tries to refill everyone elses drinks when we are in a social or family social situation" she is trying to keep drinking without standing out. From what i evaluated from my parents relationship it just gets worse if you dont act fast. Take these guys tips and do something before it's too late. I wish you the best of luck and i hope you get out of this one together with your partner.
I think it could go either way. I am a recovering alcoholic , and I started out drinking socially like you describe. Before I went to rehab, (and after the death of my 38 year old alcoholic brother from mixing alcohol with a new medication) I was drinking 8 beers a day, (I am a small framed female). I now, 6 months after completing rehab am suffering grand mal seizures. Not to say they are caused from my drinking, but you never know, (I think about it every day....wondering if I did this to myself with beer or diet coke....I used to drink 6 diet cokes a day when I was in my 20's)....I remember reading somewhere about giving up one addiction for another.....it's so true...I've done it MANY times!!!
Anyhow....good luck with your wife. I DO have one bit of advice for ya, tho'...DO be a LITTLE patient with her and show her love....alcoholism is no walk in the park.....but catch it now....before it gets to bad....wish I could have stopped it before it was no longer fun and I was just a pathetic drunk, screaming at my husband and puking on my shoes in the ally.....attractive, huh?
"me and my wife are getting a divorce over alcohol she has got her own apartment now and we have lived together for 20 years, our 13 year old daughter is trying to figure out why mom cannot stop drinking. I have told her it is a desiese and mom does not mean to hurt you or anyone. my wife has been in three treatment programs and just got out of shick two weeks ago she is now drinking very heavy again. I worry that she is isolating herself and thinks we dont care or like her but I dont want to be an enabaler no more Im not sure if she is even living today as she seems suicidal. When should I back off? I feel I need to check on her but I dont want to be an enabaler. my wife does have a interlock device in her car so she cant drive if she has a drink so she can not take her daughter no where because her car never starts as they had plans this weekend and my wife never showed up as her car would not start because she drank to much the night before.I feel my wife will never stop drinking should i just disown her? She is living off her settlement and it will run out if she keeps going the way she is my wife says our daughter does not need her. I try to explain it is very important to our daughter to be and see her mother but she just keeps drinking. Not sure what I should do if anything besides support my daughter and I do that everyday.Im very dedicated to doing to right thing I just feel my wife will die if I dont do something Im not sure if I need to totally let go and let my higher power handle this as I do go to alanon and it does help me for a bit. Please help Thank you for reading.
"me and my wife are getting a divorce over alcohol she has got her own apartment now and we have lived together for 20 years, our 13 year old daughter is trying to figure out why mom cannot stop drinking. I have told her it is a desiese and mom does not mean to hurt you or anyone. my wife has been in three treatment programs and just got out of shick two weeks ago she is now drinking very heavy again. I worry that she is isolating herself and thinks we dont care or like her but I dont want to be an enabaler no more Im not sure if she is even living today as she seems suicide. When should I back off? I feel I need to check on her but I dont want to be an enabaler. my wife does have a interlock device in her car so she cant drive if she has a drink so she can not take her daughter no where because her car never starts as they had plans this weekend and my wife never showed up as her car would not start because she drank to much the night before.I feel my wife will never stop drinking should i just disown her? She is living off her settlement and it will run out if she keeps going the way she is my wife says our daughter does not need her. I try to explain it is very important to our daughter to be and see her mother but she just keeps drinking. Not sure what I should do if anything besides support my daughter and I do that everyday.Im very dedicated to doing to right thing I just feel my wife will die if I dont do something Im not sure if I need to totally let go and let my higher power handle this as I do go to alanon and it does help me for a bit. Please help Thank you for reading.
Drinking seems to be a part of your life too, even though you don't drink as much as your wife does. Obviously she is a drunk. That you can question it makes me think that the crowd you runk with might drink more than most people do.
My wife drinks every other night. She drinks so hevily her right eye droops and she falls all over the place. She does this in front of her 15 and 14 year old sons who enable her, Last night I went to bed at 9 PM (I get up at 6) and she decieded she would drink and have a party. She turned the sterio up kept the kids up to dance with her, I got mad and came out to turn the sterio down and all hell broke loose. She has phically abused me when drunk before, she mentally abuses me and now she has her kids cusing and degrading me. They came into my bedroom while I was trying to sleep, pulled the covers off of me , had a camera going and the mother and the oldest tried to intimdate me into a fight. The 15 year old boy thinks he can whip everyone and I suspect is setting me up. I love my wife but she is out of controll, she does what she wants, lets her kids run wild and degrades me constantly. I have no other choice but to file for divorce. I will not be abused by children or the woman who so called loved me.
My wife is sitting in the next room drunk, stumbling around, and listening to music, the same songs, loudly over and over again, stopping to shout disparaging things at me. She is singing along. She has accused me of ruining her life and everything about it not more than 30 minutes beforehand. This has been going on for a long time.
I can't reason with her. Before the accusations, she quit college (the same evening), and hurled more accusations and hate at me. She refused to listen to anything I had to say, spitting venom at me, accusing me of saying and doing things I didn't say or do, on a free-fall into more hate.
We have three children and all of them have noticed the violent, emotional swings over the years. Our oldest is in crisis, failing to turn in homework or keep anything above a failing grade in most of his classes. Many days their mom is too hung-over to get out of bed, so getting ready for school falls upon me.
She has a high school reunion on Saturday to go to and her only comment (she said it four or five times) was on how drunk she “needed” to get in order to attend. She'll drink anywhere between two and three bottles of wine a day, sometimes vodka, and beer.
I'm at the end. I don't drink with her anymore, and that seems to provoke another fight, as if she's looking for “permission” from me in order to drink herself. I didn't realize for a long time what was actually going on. It was hard to see the through all the fights and violence for what was really causing them.
All too familiar with me aswell.fortunately the only thing going for me is my bed skills lol.I say that cause nothing in my life is sacred when my wife is drinking,I know longer go out with her where alcohol is concerns.in fear of what she will say.no matter the company she puts me down,starts arguing,misunderstands everything for the worst.pure evil intensions comes out of her.and the next day she can't remember a thing.she passes out anywhere not remembering what she's done.she has even flirted in front of me.I've been scratched punched and spat on.whenever I bring up her drinking problem she simply avoids the issue.I love her to bits and we have great relationship when sober but I have concerns when I get home from work finding her drunk I take the keys and go back out.she is now 44 and drinks like a youth to pass out.she's always wanting to get dressed and hit the clubs.we have 3 lovely children which are very concerned and worried about her escapades please please help!
Yes, unfortunately your partner is an alcoholic. I'd like to tell you about my circumstances as a warning. My wife is an alcoholic, and has been for most of her adult life. Both her brothers and her father are alcoholics (it's a genetic curse). As I write this, she is laying on the sofa in a drunken sleep, having what I assume are nightmares. This is by her standards a walk in the park, in the past I've had to call ambulances 4 times because she was so drunk she fell down the stairs and knocked herself out. At her worst, I once found 70 empty bottles of vodka hidden round the house. So far, so standard behaviour for an alky but what happened to my wife and what I want to warn you about is: 2 years ago her drinking got completely out of control (this was when I found the 70 bottles) that she developed alcoholic poisoning and ended up in hospital. She ended up in intensive care and the emergency Dr told me that she probably wouldn't survive the night, she pulled through but with life-changing complications - neuropathy (muscle wasting), liver and kidney damage and worst of all she developed a condition called Waernicke Korsakoff syndrome. W-K syndrome is caused by the alcohol leeching Vitamin B out of the body and by the fact that alcoholics don't eat as much as they should/at all; W-K causes permanent memory damage - so that now my wife can no longer remember what day it is - she still has her long term memories, but of course this condition means that she'll never be able to hold down a job or be able to do many of the normal every day functions of life. All because of alcohol - the worst, most destructive yet socially acceptable drug there is. My advice is for your own sake, draw a line in the sand re her drinking and don't let yourself cross it, if you don't you're not going to help her or you. Also, DO NOT CLEAN up after her - that only helps them. Because of my wife's WK syndrome all the normal avenues to deal with it are closed to her, however, I've been researching Baclofen which might just be a medical cure for alcoholism. However, until your wife comes face to face with the ugly, destructive reality of what she's doing to herself and you, you're in for a unpleasant time - so think about YOU and your well-being, you can't help anybody if you've been beaten into the ground by their behaviour. I know what you're going through and I truly hope you and your wife find your way thru. Be strong
My wife is in bed crying right now because I had enough of covering for her and dealing with her when she has too much to drink. I am googling anything I can to get some help. I am very sensitive to alcohol after suffering abusive at the hands of alcoholic family members. My wife does not puke or get sick every time (she has though in the past). However, she becomes rowdy, loud, boisterous, and obnoxious.
Just like what some of you have said, I can't say anything to her. She reacts defensively and becomes angry at me. She brings up all my mistakes and faults and tells me I have more problems than her.
We are newly married (or at least I like to think that. We have been married for nearly two years). She knows my sensitivity regarding this and we have had conversations in the past about this very issue after times she get's like this. She occasionally drinks throughout the week. She drinks more than usual when she is with her family. She doesn't get drunk on week nights.
I love her with all my heart and it hurts so much to go through this. Now i'm crying.
The best thing you can do is to keep talking to other people in the same situation. Believe it or not there are a lot of men in the same situation as you are in. Some seek help for themselves and some don't :( Women are just as capable of being alcoholics as are men. Alcoholism affects all genders.
It might help if you make your own post outside of this one, I see that this initial post was back in 2008. You might get some more responses and help that way. There's a big green button up top that says post a question. I'm new here too so still making my way around as well.
Have you tried reaching out to a local Alanon group in your area? Believe it or not there are so many men affected by alcoholism that they even have Men retreats. I hope your alcoholic seeks help indeed, but I also hope you do as well. There are so many things that we do as family members of alcoholics that affects the ability of our alcoholics to continue drinking. Keep talking and please keep us updated. Plus too you might want to post your own question so other members will respond that are in the same situation.
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