This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I have been with my fiance for a year and a half now. We are a young couple and going out with friends for drinks has always been a regular weekend event. he would often say that after having a few drinks was when he felt himself. I never thought much of it...
About 4 months ago things changed. when he goes out he will binge drink to the point he cant walk, passes out, vomits all over the house. He tries to start arguments with me over nothing and screams at me about things that dont make sense, sometimes infront of friends. and creates situations he knows will hurt me. I have stopped going out with our friends, as i dont want to drink along with him. I make excuses to my family and girlfriends about our arguing. He tells me after each time that it wont happen again and says 'cant we just forget it happened.' he has shut me out completely and will not talk to me at all anymore.
He doesnt drink throughout the week, just binges 1 or 2 nights of the weekend, so he says he doesnt drink enough to be a alcoholic. And wont take me seriously when i try to tell him how much im hurting.
a couple days ago i told him to stay at his parents for a few days, in the hope he would see how serious i am, he said he was going to take the time to try and figure out whats happening.
the weekend he left he got drunk 2 nights and went out with 'friends'.....
since this all started i have been asked myself what i have been doing to make him so angry, so unhappy. ive dreaded every weekend, and avoided him so i dont say or do anything that he can yell at me about later on.
I know i shouldn't have to do this.
I love him with all my heart, we have had the big engagement party and expensive rings, when he isnt drunk, he is the most kind and caring and sensitive man you could imagine. i want to marry this man.
i dont want to leave unless i know there is no hope of it ever getting better. I want to be with him but i cant put myself through that if things wont change.
I dont know what to do, if im doing the right things, or if he is right, that i am blowing this out of proportion and i should get over it....
When I was doing what your fiance does, except planning arguing situation, the only goal of the whole week for me was to get drunk. Nothing else, and every person who said something to me due to that behavior made me angry.
Nothing is your fault. He is angry, he maybe thinks you just like to fuss about everything a lot, and exaggerate... And he don`t see what you try to explain him. That does not exist in his way of viewing things...
This is how it begins, but it doesn`t have to. For example, my friend is binge drinking every Friday and Saturday for 9 years. But I can`t be really objective about alcohol situations...
Someone with more experience will answer you and give you advice...
this situation will only get worse, you dont want to marry an alcoholic, i am sorry to be so hard, but until he stops drinking (if he does ) your life will be a misery, the man you want to marry , isnt the abusive drunk one, but that is who you will be marrying, he needs to realise what hes got to lose, and the damage its doing to him, he is on a downward spiral, he needs to get to the point that he wants to stop, your not blowing anything out of proportion, walk away, maybe he will realise what hes losing , go to al anon, they can be a great help to you and in turn him also, god bless!
Your SO RIGHT and I agree TOTALLY as and have 30yrs under my belt of dealing w men who drink lie cheat abuse and blame the wife or girlfriend for there problems. DON'T believe the BS.
All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again so why do we ladies think we can change them.
They are like stone until they want to change. We have NO POWER to CHANGE THEM.
i really hope you can see how truthful mine and Alleycat, advice is. i know its hard, but if he asks for help, it would be very hard to believe and trust he isnt drinking, and if he doesnt stop, well your life will be a miserable one. i really am sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth, look after yourself, god bless.
AmberA I do hope you come back and update us on what has gone on since you last posted. I was engaged to an alcoholic for about 5 years. I am so glad that I did not go any further with the relationship. In my particular situation, my alcoholic always told me that I was the one with the problem....that I was crazy. And yes he would hide his drinks, go binge drinking, etc. My point is, he never changed. It took me to change and to realize that my boundaries were not going to be respected. Marriage is a partnership. Sure we can make compromises for the smaller things... leaving their clothes around the house, or the lid off the toothepaste... but for the big things like altering their behaviors with an outside substance... this affects your relationship.
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