This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
As most of you know, hubby had fallen "dead" on our driveway...was "brought back", and vowed never to smoke or drink again.
Everything had been strange, yet wonderful during that time.
On July 1st he "blew it"!
We left the army base after watching the airshow, and having a wonderful day.
He drove straight to the beer store...and then to the corner store to buy smokes...UGH!!!!
So now he's back at it...even though, just 3 short months ago he had quit because he was terrified to "die again".
His drinking isn't anywhere as bad as it had been...but...I know he's only just begun.
He's already coughing and wheezing like crazy because of the COPD...and he stated after that first day that he was going to quit again...but I doubt it.
I'm just thankful that he now has life insurance...because I know he's not going to make it the next time.
He was given 6 months to a year to live if he didn't quit smoking...that was 3 months ago...so I guess he's decided on suicide...the slow, painful way.
I know it's a disease...I know he can't help it because of his addictive personality...but you would think that after already having "died" once that he would want to live.
I know it doesn't help to tell him that his 2 y/o son needs him...that I need him...so I won't bother talking to him about it.
All I can do is to sit back and watch him slowly kill himself...there is no more hope left...what a shame.
I watched my dad go in November, from his drinking...now I'll watch hubby.
Just trying to decide if I should leave now, or give his son some time to spend with his daddy before he's gone.
Not like the little guy is going to remember any of this anyway, but it's the thought that counts.
I know if I leave that his dad will get the life insurance money, which is unfair because I'll still be the one taking care of his son...and his son deserves to have some help when daddy is gone...and I know that those people will NOT help their grandchild in any way, shape, or form. Oh well, whatever.
If I sound too negative for some of you...well...maybe I am...but I've been putting up with alcoholics all my life, and I know that there comes a time when it's too late to try anymore...and that you can't help them unless they want the help anyway. This man wants no help. He was obviously over the "difficult" stage of the addiction...so why did he do it? He had no stress. Things were looking up. We had just spent a wonderful family day together...and then he ended it like that. It's because he "wanted" to drink and smoke...not because he "needed" to...at least IMHO anyway...and that IS just my opinion.
I know he's a weak-willed person...and everywhere he went people were offering him the beer...but he said no to them...and they quit offering. So it wasn't like he was "bullied into it"...he did THIS of his own free will. Such a shame.
I know I sound shallow and callous...but maybe it's about time I thought of my children and myself instead of these men in my life that can't handle life and are looking for a way out.
I want and deserve to have a life! From now on it's going to be all about me and my children!
Just because he doesn't want a life, it shouldn't give him the right to deny us our's.
I'm just tired of being dragged down with them. Why should I suffer for their addictions...their pains...their problems?
Well...good luck to all of us that live with these people.
Don't feel guilty. It is his problem not your and no I don't think you should stay. Maybe if you leave it will be a wake up call of your hubby. It is worth a try. I have also lived with alcoholics all of my life and there is no stopping them. They either quit on their own or die drinking. Also your kids should not have to sit there and watch him die. It is not fair to them. You are right in the fact that your son will not remember everything but the memories he does have should be good ones. Not ones of daddy coughing being unable to breathe and being drunk. Sorry he didn't stick with sobriety. Go get what you want out of life, **** on everyone else. Think of yourself and your kids. Best wishes.
You aren't shallow or callous at all. You've just had enough. You've been pushed past the point of all endurance and see the reality of your husband's addiction. YOU are important. Your son is important. That's all you need to deal with right now.
Who knows why an addict or an alcoholic relapses? Who knows why he can fight off a craving or a trigger one day but not on another? It's one thing to fall down and get right back on the wagon again. It's another thing to fall down and stay down. There is no rule that says you have to hang around and not only watch the train wreck but experience it. You're the only person who can decide what is best for you and your son. The important thing is that you make those decisions and act on them.
It really is liberating when you stop shouldering responsibility for someone else's addiction. Never forget that detaching yourself from your husband's illness is ultimately a good thing and the right thing. It's time for you and your son to have some peace. It's up to your husband to find his own.
You have lived long enough in addiction, now it is time to step out of that and do some living for you and your babies. Focus on you and do whatever it takes to get you back. As my grandma used to always say, You have bigger fish to fry now~~~
I fell for the hype that the marriage "counselor" threw at me...
He said that if I change my ways in the way that I treat hubby, that hubby will try to please me...that he'll change his ways...uh huh.
He said to give it at least 6 weeks...at least in those 6 weeks I should be able to save up enough money or something to leave.
House is under my name...car is under my name...all bills under my name. So I'm on the hook if things go sideways.
Changing things over into his name may be a problem...he has crappy credit...actually no credit.
I know that he won't pay support...he can't afford it...the money will go to everything except where it should be going.
The little guy is set to have surgery soon...$1200 to have his teeth done. They have to put him under due to his age and the amount of work needed.
I'm set to have my own pulled and get nice, new, plastic ones. There's another 2k down the drain...well...I guess it's for a good cause. lol
Can't find a new guy or get a job if I have no teeth right?
So hopefully either things will work out, or I'll have new teeth and enough saved up to move on out.
Can't keep the house or car as I would never be able to afford them on my own...house is in need of major repairs so it would cost a fortune to fix up to sell...and even then I would have to get at least what is owing on mortgage...which I would never get in the condition it's in. Hubby took it upon himself a few years back to do renovations...he ripped walls out and stuff and never got around to doing anything. The whole upstairs (where the bedrooms should be) is just an empty void. Been sleeping in frontroom for years now...very tacky.
I hate my life atm.
I had a similar situation where everything was in my name, we had a new car, etc. but when I left I left everything. Granted I did not own a house, or have children so that was easier for me to do than it would be for you. I am glad you are taking care of your smile, it is a huge step in taking care of yourself.
Wish your son the best on his surgery, we had to do the same thing for our little one with some bad baby teeth, but it was worth it 100%... sounds like some change is coming your way.
I feel so bad for you having to live this way. I think this is pathetic and selfish of this man to put you through this. None of this crap about he cant help himself. Yeah right! When I was drinking my a** off for more than twenty year and finally was diagnosis with end stage cirrhosis. The doctor once again told me I was going to die pretty soon if I didn't stop drinking. I had heard it all before but this time he had friggen proof! I guess this was the point I needed to get to so I would even make an attempt at changing. It was surprisingly easy for me. Some people say wow you have a lot of will power, way more than me! Truth is heck know I dont because if they would of heard all that crap as many times as I did they wouldve quit before getting cirrhosis. Well espeacially know I shouldnt say it was all crap. I was given knowledge from an inside source and I didnt use it! Thats stupid.
I like your way of thinking! good to get your teeth done and set yourself up very well. I wish you the very best. keep being strong, I can imagine its not easy!. God bless you.
I just want to add from my personal experience, that we can stop being a victim at any time. We can change the role that we have carried out for so long and we can take charge. If you need time to do that and prepare that's fine--- there are miracles that do happen, there are doors that will open up that you didn't think existed, so definitely have hope, there might be something even better waiting for you and this experience you are having now might help you in your future :D
Your story just proves why it's so important to see a counselor familiar with chemical dependency. There is no way - NONE! - that an alcoholic or addict will change his ways and treat you right if you lead by example. WTH?!! I'd like to smack some sense up side that idiot's head.
I am so jealous of your new teeth! Some 4 or 5 years ago one of mine cracked clean off at the root line. We still had an income at the time but no dental insurance so I pull $2,000 out of savings and had an implant done. Ran out of money before I could get the crown done so I've got this nice metal implant in my jaw and no tooth. A few months ago I looked into finally having it done and now there's a problem. Thanks to malnutrition, the bone never grew around the implant so it couldn't handle the stress of holding a tooth anyway. My luck. :-/
Speaking of teeth its been about 17 years since I could be able to fix my teeth and let me tell you it has always been an issue of self-esteem for me. I was very proud of myself to be finally able to do this for myself, because I am terrible at spending money on myself especially about personal cosmetics, etc. But I got my teeth fixed last October and literally cried when I saw the mirror at the dentist office. I hugged the dentist and the assistant... I was speechless.
You know I left my alcoholic that long ago and how amazing that I had some leftover things such as my teeth that I needed to take care of. A lot can happen when we take time to focus on ourselves and repair some of the not only emotional damage but physical issues as well.
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