Just wondering

I am trying to work things out with my husband.  Is it really worth it knowing he is a binge drinker?  I do love him!  Seems like I am becoming the enabler just to love him and prove it.  I am always the DD when we go out for example.  What would you do?

[catsbbw]

I am in the same situation myself. I'm pretty sure that I am staying in the situation. Same thing with me that I am always the DD. He quit a long time ago but started up again about two years ago and his family has no idea that he started again. And I never told them.

[dizzydezi]

Hi, firts off, I must say that you are an incredible woman for seeking help. Here's one thing that will save your marriage (but more importantly your sanity and dignity)...go to an ALANON meeting. You can find them in your area. This will enable you to find the best way to handle this very difficult situation. Best of luck!

[queenteree]

I am in the same situation too.  My husband is a binge drinker who drinks for months straight at a time.  It can become trying at times, we've been married 17 years (together for 22 years).  He stopped drinking for 14 years, started back up again, at times it can be extremely frustrating and annoying, but with the help of Alanon, I'm hoping to stick it out.  Please try Alanon, it does work great, not just w/the A's in our lives, but with everything in your life.  

[4mytahsa]

The very best of luck to you.
My X and I met and at 21 and 22, we were already full blown alcoholics.
We married, had kids and I quit 14 years ago.
Into my 12th year of sobriety, I asked my husband do the same for me and quit his 12 pack a day habit.
When he wouldn't, I left.
When he still wouldn't stop, I filed and divorced him.
He wasn't suffering at all because I left and he didn't have to change at all.
I still love him but he loved his beer more than me.
Being married to him when I quit, reGARDless if I was an alcoholic or NOT, did NOT make a marriage in heaven.
Alcoholism is very selfish and leaves NO time for anything but thoughts of the next drink.
We were together for 25 years and that was still not enough for him to want to stop. :(

[queenteree]

I can so relate to your post.  When my husband is sober, he is the most wonderful guy in the world.  He's very annoying when drunk (and I really mean months at a time, each and every day!)  He makes  no sense when he talks, he forgets things, it's really like babysitting a child at times cause he commands so much attention.  That is why Alanon has helped me.  I do love him greatly, and yet I really would like to leave him and get on with my life most of the time, but I could never live the lifestyle I am accustomed to.  I'm not rich by any means, but most of my paycheck is mine, I have a new car, get my nails and pedicures done, etc., have a nice house.  I have detached with love (and compassion) at times, someday he will reach his bottom (even if it may be death) and I just have to try and realize that when he gets a certain way, it's his disease talking, not him and that it will pass (only really to start up again after a week break).  I know my HP has a plan for me, and for right now that plan is for me to stick it out.  What really helps me is my motto - "I stay married one day at a time and enjoy the good that my marriage has to offer".  He knows this too, I am married to him today cause today is all I have, tomorrow may be a different story.  Hope this helps.  
Oh, and by the way, my husband has been to 2 rehabs and intensive outpatient treatment and meetings, and still refuses to quit drinking.  The only one he's fooling is himself, and the sooner a person who lives with an A realizes that, the better they are able to deal with it.  

[murphlib]

Twenty-nine years is too long to figure out that a man is making your life miserable.  Explain that to them, please, and offer to get help with them, to break the dependency.

If they refuse, tell them you hope they and Jack (Daniels) or Bud (Weiser) will be very happy together.  And then pack.

It took my mother 35 years.  Then he died.  She was a very sweet and loving person.  She deserved a better life than having living hell break loose every weekend.  It those days, there were no programs, and the police looked the other way.
Murphlib

[Pammert925]

Thanks for your feedback!  I know I am not alone and apreciate your advice.

pammert925

[jml1986]

The answer to your question is yes if he stops drinking. I went through that with my husband for 20 years. I let him once and although we did not get a divorce, we were separated for 8 years. We got back together when he swore he had changed. He hadn't. 5 years ago I told him for the last time, you either pick me and your family or you get out and you will not be coming back this time. He has been sober ever since. We now have the most amazing relationship. So, yes it was worth it, but no I would not ever do it again.

[urdacrazy1]

I'm in the same situation myself. My husband doesnt think that he has a problem but I know he does. He drinks every weekend and I'm really tired of being left home alone when he's out drinking. He never comes home before 4am and NEVER comes home sober. I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and now depression is kicking in. I dont even know if its worth holding on to. His mother is pretty upset about the situation as well. She's threating to move away just so that she doesnt have to deal with him. He is really close to his mom. I asked him if his mom gave him an altermatum (spelling?) like moving away unless he stopped, would he be willing to stop. Without hesitation he said YES. When I asked him if I did the same thing, leave him unless he stopped, would he be willing to stop. He said he didnt know!! What is up with that? It was like a slap in the face. Mind you, we have a 15 month old daughter together. Like I said, I dont even know if its worth trying to save this marriage. Advise?

[Pammert925]

I sure don't have advice as I am in the same situation.  I do wish you luck and hope things work out for the best for you!

Pammy

[jml1986]

My heart breaks of all of you. I know what you are all going through and I wish I could give some magic spell to take away all your pain. I lived that pain for 20 years and could probably quote you every excuse that they have for drinking. I want you all to know that things can get better. My husband has been sober for almost five years and I can not begin to tell you how wonderful that is. We are closer then we have ever been. So, there is hope, but each person is different. Some of us will be blessed to have things work out and some of us will have to get out of their relationship. Either way, it has to be up to you. As easy as it is for others to tell you to get out, it is not easy and there is more attached to your relationship then just the alcohol. Love and children are the two things that can keep you fighting. Whatever you decide, remember we are here for each other.

[scotty2]

It was Jan 10, 1986 - my first Alanon meeting.  I just sat there listening, not saying a word.  What I heard amazed me.  It was as if these "strangers" somehow saw everything that was going on in my life.  I later realized that my problems were not unique.  Anyone who has an alcoholic in their life faces the same issues.  I wish I could say there was a happy ending - although my then husband did get sober (multiple times) in AA - he just could never keep it.  I finally gave up -  I gave him a ultimatum - he chose drink over divorce.  I was not surprised-  I eventually moved out of state - I stopped going to Alanon - I ended up marrying another alcoholic.  So now here I am again.  Although it is different (this one works and provides and is not abusive) I find myself once again not alone but lonely.  Living with 2 different people - the kind sober person - the obnoxious drunk. I know I HAVE to go back to Alanon - for my own sanity - I know I didn't cause his alcoholism, I know I can't cure it, and I know I can't control it.  I know I have to take care of myself - and I know decisions have to be made.  Whether I stay in the relationship or leave it,  Alanon has to be a part of my life.  Alanon gives the tools needed to make sound decisions, and the support to see them thru.
All of us who live or have lived with an alcoholic share a common bond.  It is important to know that we are not alone and that we are not judged.  This unconditional acceptance can be found in Alanon.  Good Luck to us all!!

[Islandlady56]

I have been married to an alcoholic for 29 yrs.  Both of my kids are grown.  He has been away for treatment 3 times, about 25 yrs ago.  He was sober for many years, more like a dry drunk though.  He may not of been drinking but his actions were like he was.  He had a bad temper.  He has always been a good provider.  I find myself back in the same old life.  He is drinking again.  Yes it does get worse even though they quit for many years.  I am currently going to Alanon.  The tension in me is unreal.  I go to my bedroom each evening when the drinking starts.  I don't know why It's much easier to play along than to confront the issue. If I confront the issue, then I have to make choices: 'Do I leave or stay? Do I go to a group or counselor? I have to deal with what others think, how this makes me look, what the kids are going to say and feel. I would also have to confront my anger, feelings of betrayal and grief.'"  I find it so hard to move on.  I am struggling with where to go.

[nambalaau]

I am also in the same position.  My husband is an alcoholic - he drinks every night, and he often gets abusive when he does.  Only very rarely is it physical abuse, but it's still hard to live with as I'm sure you all know.  I now have a 6 week old son, and can no longer cope with everything.  Alanon has been suggested to me, but reading the web site it seemed really religious, which I don't want.  Does anyone have a perspective on this?  I think I do need something but just not sure if Alanon is it.

[jacrad]

I've just joined this forum after deciding that I don't want to feel alone anymore. Reading all the posts in this thread alone has made me realise there's many people going through the same thing I am.

My partner knows he has a problem and when he's sober he talks rationally about it; getting help etc. The next day the demons take over and I come home from work and he's passed out on the sofa having drunk half a bottle of vodka throughout the day. I'm so angry at him for doing that - then when he's sober he cries, tells me how sorry he is, makes promises he doesn't keep. Yada yada yada. I know you all know the story.

Most people tell me just to kick him out - be cruel to be kind. How do you make the person you love homeless?

[Chit978]

Hi everyone, I just joined the group today. i have been going with this merry go round of a life for four years now. I left him three days ago and the roller coaster hasn't stopped. In the end i just stopped caring, i feel dead inside. When he told me i never cared about him i just snapped. He has been dealing with depression and alchoholism (alcoholism) for 4 years. And tried to commit suicide a few times. he has been verbally abusive and physically abusive a few times. We don't have any kids. I have been with him, held his hand through night when he was suicidal, gone to therapists, meetings, tried counciling, gone to hospitals and he had the nerve to tell me that i don't care. I have worked to support and provide for him, and pay all the bills and what did i get in return, panic disorder, loneliness, unhappiness. Is it worth it?