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Legaling ending it..
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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Legaling ending it..

Hi all!!  I think I wrote a year ago (while I don't really post, it has been so helpful reading a lot of yoru posts)  and I will give you a brief synopsis, at this point I'm been separated from my alcoholic for about 18 mos.  I still live in the family house and he has since having an apt moved back in with his parents. (their enabling is a story for a whole new post, when everyone is all together at any functions they act as if everything is just fine)

I have 2 children 10 and 9 and the last year has while not been great, has been very peaceful and at last a change to exhale.  We are getting along better but then it slips back The hard part as most can relate to is my husband is the guy that everyone likes, he is a genuinely nice person deep down, but this has become bigger than him, though he still refuses to admit it and maybe never will.  It is also hard to remember is it the alcohol talking and not him, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It took him moving out for me to realize I do still love him, but it was buried under a lot of hurt and anger, but I love myself more and I don't want to go back.

This separation has gone on long enough I think, as I don't see any end in sight, its sort of just going on and now I'm not really too sad anymore I'm just really disappointed.  I have been financially bearing the burden of almost everything, if he stopped drinking tomorrow I think I could forgive most things, but what I can't get past is the fact he doesn't get he has a legal and moral obligation to support his children.  I will get sporadic money, his excuse is that he has been out of work for a while and just started a new co, (he always seems to have money for what he wants though)  which I hope works but honestly I think its pie it the sky.  

He is over a lot now , he always seems to know when I'm close to making a decison and is super about being helpful with everything so I doubt where I'm going.

He does not drink in front of me anymore but I know he is still drinking, I need help to know how to broach the divorce subject, as I feel now I'm in total limbo.  I am glad he moved out as I'm getting along better with him as a person and believe we can coparent successfully, but am worried about his reactiion to divorce as it wont' be good. Is his lack of accepting responsbility a character flaw, or does it stem from the drinking.  

Has anyone been in this situation, what did you do?  How did you go about discussing it?  Thanks
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495284_tn?1333897642
Until he accepts that he has a drinking problem he wont be able to accept anything else.  We are the master of messing with others emotions as that way we dont have to deal with our own.  Right now this is about you and what you need to do.  If you feel divorce is what you need to move on then go for it.  You cant sit back and wait for him.  I hope he will get some help for himself and deal with those demons he has buried but now it is time for you~~~sara
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1475202_tn?1388955435
I was just reading your post from june 28 last year. I see that it doesn't sound like your feelings have changed much at all. It's been a year he must realize that things are not going to go on forever this way. Yet he's done nothing to fix it. You deserve better than this. I always hate to see a marriage end but this is not heathy for you. Its time for you to move on and someday let your children have some family structure in their lives. This is not good for them either. I wouldn't put much thought into breaking the news to him other than make sure the kids are not present. Just let him know that your planning on calling a lawyer on Monday. He dont need to know when really. He cant stop drinking and you cant keep living like this..Alone! Good luck and God bless you

Randy
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1666434_tn?1325265950
I am all too familiar with the yo-yo alcoholic relationship.  I was in one for 5 years and the patterns are always the same.  They mess up, they apologize, they do good for a while, then we believe them, then the cycle occurs all over again.  Unfortunately this does not stop until the person develops or seeks a recovery plan that helps them develop positive coping skills.

It has been about 16 years since I left my alcoholic.  I have been married to a beautiful non-alcoholic man for 12 years.  I still check up on my alcoholic from time to time to see where they are or how they are in health but just from mutual friends not direct involvement.  Unfortunately, they have literally continued the pattern even to this day.  He just found other women to take the place and yes they still continue to drink.

So continue to focus on yourself.  Make decisions that not only affect you now, but will impact your long term goals.  Not to mention you have 2 children that your decisions impact as well.  And yes everyone always likes the alcoholic!  I can't tell you how many people that just thought they were great etc.... but point in case, they didn't live with this person and they were not affected closely by their addiction.  If they were being affected, their outlook would be different.

I even had my own family trying to convince me to stay with this person after all the different things that went on that were totally unhealthy.  Keep talking to neutral people.  People that don't know you directly certainly helps.  Seek a support system.  There are so many others that have walked in your shoes.  Have you thought about Alanon at all?  I found that to be better than counseling.... it helped to talk to people down in the trenches rather than those that just read about the addiction.
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82861_tn?1333457511
"Everyone loves the alcoholic."  Boy, that's the truth!  They're so much FUN to be around and always have booze to share.  They're where the party's at!  Makes me want to puke.  The same people who thought my husband was just fabulously fun came to ME when his drinking got noticeably out of control.  "What are you going to do about Dave?"  WTH?  These same people, when they asked what they could do to help (stop offering him beer for starters) kept right on feeding the monster.  Then they got upset when he got so shitfaced that nobody could understand a mumbled word out of his mouth.  But go ahead - have another beer.  Sheesh.

I've not only distanced myself from my husband in self-defense but removed those people from my life.  He can have them.  I frankly don't give a dam anymore.  He says he doesn't want to give up his friends.  Just what kind of friend is it who knows you're an alcoholic, have major liver damage, will die with continued drinking, yet continues to pass the bottle?  It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Misery loves company in the alcohol world doesnt it!

My grandson has a school mate(4th grade) who's father is now in Hospice.  His organs are shot from alcohol and now it is just a matter of time.....I think it is a safe bet to say his "friends" are no where to be seen.......
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1666434_tn?1325265950
Still to date, the alcoholic I was involved with over almost 20 years ago is drinking.  His sister reaches out to me every once in a while.  He has had several failed relationships and just recently got divorced after a 2 year marriage.  And yes his health is failing miserably but he continues to drink.  I am just so glad that despite what our mutual friends said and relatives, I stepped off the merry go round and found a different life for myself.

And you know what was funny, when I finally did that, I was amazed at how many of his guy friends that always defended his behavior came up and told me about how many times he went off with other women while he was drinking.  So my intuition and my gut was right on a lot of things.  And yes nobody wants to think for a minute that their buddy is an alcoholic, because they are out doing the same thing and they don't have to live with it.

@dominosarah  --- Exactly their friends aren't there when they are suffering liver damage and there is nothing you can do for them.  My grandmother's husband drank till the day he died and had liver failure.  It was a horrific way to go.  He would go get the fluid drained from his body and then go home and drink in the garage.  And guess what, no friends were there handing him beers then.
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82861_tn?1333457511
I just do my own thing nowadays and don't bother to discuss alcohol with him when he brings it up.  Yeah, he's cut back but the lab results are clear: he has to completely quit.  Period.  It always ends with "you just don't give me any credit at all for cutting back."  Yeah, actually, I do.  But the shoe is always waiting to drop why should I celebrate knowing the next unintended binge is just days away?
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1666434_tn?1325265950
When it becomes a medical situation, it's literally life or death.  So even though they are cutting down it's not a solution.  It's a very sick situation indeed, because of this being a medical issue have they sought any options for rehab treatment?
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82861_tn?1333457511
ROFL!!  Are you serious?!  Rehab is for quitters!  Actions speak louder than words and he has no intention really of quitting.  He's been "thinking about it" for over 9 months.  It doesn't matter how grim a picture any doctor paints for him.  He absolutely will not go to AA or seek private counseling.  Inpatient rehab is completely off the table - even if we could afford it.  No, I've pretty much reconciled myself that he's going to die sooner than later and I'll probably be stuck having to witness it.
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1475202_tn?1388955435
Many people are faced with that decision every day. After diagnosis I was under the belief that my life was going to end soon. I probably figured maybe a year or two. The doctor did not give me any reason to believe otherwise. I even got angry asking him how long? He could not give me any answer because there are so many variables.

Lucky for me my wife had already started researching and in the car on the way home she told me if I quit drinking I could live up to 5 more years. That made it worthwhile. By the time we got home she asked what I was going to do and I said "Quit Drinking".

Later after days and months of research I learned that it is possible to live another 20 to 30 years if living the proper lifestyle. This is rare but people have made it that long and it's my every intention to do so also! It's all about choices, the foods you eat, the exercise you get, the vitamins and medications you take. This all goes with one very important rule..Never again under any circumstance can you allow yourself to drink even the smallest amount of alcohol again.

I'm not sure I would've made the same decision without having hope for a longer life. Most cirrhotic patients are told in the same manner I was. I wish you the best Jaybay.

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1666434_tn?1325265950
rpooo made some excellent points with his experience and I am so glad to hear of a positive outcome and a positive outlook to go along with it!

You made me laugh when you said "Rehab is for quitters!" lol  I guess all the backing in the world doesn't replace self will when it comes down to it.  Maybe you just taking charge for yourself will be the actual bottom he needs.  You just never know what impacts someone.  Definitely keep us updated on this.
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