It has been 5 years since your death due to drinking. Cerosis of the liver. There are days where I wish you were still here because even tho I'm 27 years old, I still need my mommy! Guess what mom, I'm pregnant with your 2nd grandchild! 10 weeks today!
Its been 5 years since I healed your hand while you took your last breath after spending 4 sleepless nights with you in icu. Spoon feeding you because you couldn't feed yourself. And the worst, having to keep telling you who I was. The booze poisoned your body so much that everything shut down. Everything. You were in so much pain and it hurt to see the woman who gave me life ending her own to an addition she couldn't control. You drank all day everyday. Other than the hospital, I don't remember you ever drinking water... always gin.. no ice, no mixers.. just straight.. maybe a beer or two when the gin ran out..
I've had 5 years to forgive you of a lifetime of hurt you put me thru. When your drinking became more important than you daughter. The days I sent myself to school in dirty clothes and no food because you forgot. Its so hard to forget that.. but mom, I'm finally ready to forgive you. I'm still hurt and a part of me is still angry and bitter. But I forgive you. In fact I have to thank you. Because of your drinking, I'm now the mom you were not able to be to me. I love you mom and these words I write to you is hard. But I can't hold it in anymore. I wish I could see you once more. To smell your smell. Hear you laugh and feel your hugs. You died much too young. And before you died, you told me 'dont be mad at me baby, it was fun, I love you'.. ... I love you mom. Your daughter, Emma.
Wow....I didn't know that there were other people who went through the same thing I went through. Every word u said I went through with my mom 6 yrs ago. I'm 33yrs old and I'm now pregnant with my 2nd child. I have gone through hell dealing with my mommys death and even though I was so angry at her for not being there for me I didn't know how much her death would effect me. I went through a good 4 yrs. Of deep depression and started using again after she died. I don't think a day went by with out me hysterically crying cause my heart hurt so bad and I missed her soooo much. When she was alive and drinking herself to death I had no idea that even though I was pissed at her for all the times she showed up drunk to my baby shower or at the hospital when I had my first child or how she couldn't even hold my baby cause I was affraid she would drop her or through out my childhood how she forgot to pick me up from school or when she did pick me up being so drunk she drove the oppisite way on the 405hwy in Ca. Going against on coming traffic, or blacking out in the shower and falling through the glass shower door. Or beating the crap out of me at 10 yrs. Old for trying to get her to eat food instead of drowning her self with vodka. Man I could go on and on. But what I didn't know is how much I would want her back even the drunk she was,bi still need her today, every day. I finally don't cry for her every day anymore although there is not one day that passes that I don't think about her and how much I miss her. Sorry this is so long but honey I had no idea there was someone out there with the same story and same feelings about there mom. I'm clean today and I look at my little girl and my baby boy in my tummy and think how they give me the strengh to stay clean and be a great mother for them. I might not have been enough for my mom to get sober but I'm breaking the cycle and my kids are enough for me to fight this disease every day. Thank you for writing this letter to your mom, I needed to get this out and I thank you for reading part of my story about my mom. I would love to add u to my friends list so I hope u will except my friend invite. We might have a lot more stuff in common and can always use a friend who understands my history...thank you again...gtowngirl~
Congratulations on your baby honey, and thank you for sharing your letter to your mom. She's a lucky lucky woman to have a daughter like you. Please try to think of your mom as being clean and sober, and a great mom now. As she watches you from heaven her heart swells with pride because of what a beautiful and caring girl that she tried to raise. The nightmare is over, and you and her are both clean, sober, and healthy. Take comfort in that, and if you ever feel a light feather touch , or something small that has no earthly explanation, that will be your mom. My dad was the alcoholic, who actually got clean and was an awfully abusive dry drunk, while my mother supported him. I often feel tears fall on me from above and out of nowhere, and I think that's my own mom's way of telling me she's sorry. God Bless you and your family. Happy New Year , Live Your Best Life~ I'm here if you ever need a shoulder. I'm clean and sober for 13+ years.
I tried to read your post on the day you posted this...I couldn't.
I got as far as the first paragraph,and ran from the computer crying.
But today I got through it. Such a beautiful post.
My dad did the same thing, two years ago November 25th.
I had already given him 4 grandsons...I was pregnant with a granddaughter.
We lost her when her alcoholic daddy dropped to the pavement due to lack of oxygen.
She died, and he came back to life.
Some days I wish it would have been the other way around...but I shouldn't talk like that.
They tell me that it was probably due to the stress of dad passing away, coupled by the anxiety/adrenalin that coursed through my body when I thought I had just lost my hubby as well.
Anyway, thank you for posting that. My face is still wet, but my heart is a little lighter now.
just read your post, good luck sweetheart, you are going to be a fab mum to your babies, Good strong words without anger, just love and trying to understand, No one could ask for more, If your mum is looking looking down on you I am sure she will be so proud x
Its been awhile since I've checked this post.. thank you all for you kind words and I'm sorry for you losses as well. I'm crying now lol... I know my mom looks down and even ' visits ' me from time to time. 15 min after leaving her bedside I got this light tingle feeling over my right shoulder blade and when I turn it stops the resumes 5 min later. Happens maybe everyotherday. Asked the doctor and he didn't find anything wrong. So I know its Mom. Just wish she was really here.. I'm scared of having a c section... let alone twin boys .. she would know just what to do.. she always did
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