This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
My Wife Drinks Too Often, Cant Go One Night Without...
My wife and I have been married since 1992, and we have three children together. We are college sweethearts, and have been through a lot together. Both her parents have since passed away, her mom from an illness and her dad had from a simple hospital procedure that he should have been able to recover from but did not. My wife had an affair about 10 years ago and we stayed together even though it was very hard for me to do. She wanted to stay together and I struggled with it but realized that its best for our kids. Right away many of you will probably respond with how can it best for the kids to stay in a relationship that is not based upon honesty and etc... All I have to say is that if you knew how bad it was to grow up in a single parent house hold like I did, then you would not feel that way. That at any cost you need to try and save your marriage. But I'm side tracking, the real reason why I posting here is because my wife struggles with a "controlled" alcoholism in my opinion. Its never been documented by a physician and seems like I'm the only one in her life now who even ties to do anything about it. Both her parents drank every day. Her dad especially drank to excess. He was a hard working business man, and had quite a bit of success in his life but he also drank quite a bit too. We use to make jokes about him having another glass of wine.. "...just another glass of wine for me", we would say to sort of sarcastically make light of a problem. Funny thing is that my wife was the one who would do it the most and certainly recognized that he had a problem. His doctor told him he had to quit drinking because it had swelled his organs and it was causing heart failure. So at about age 75 he finally stopped. That is at least until his wife passed away and he met another woman, who immediately had him on the social drinking circuit again. I feel that this is why his health failed. But try telling that to my wife, who has one bottle a wine a night and brings me my scotch every night. I try and tell her I don't want to drink tonight but she tries to pour my drink before I even have a chance to say anything. Our kids suffer from her drinking because she starts with a glass of wine at about 6 pm or 5:30 pm when she's preparing dinner, then doesn't stop until she crashes and goes to sleep at around 8 pm or 8:30 pm. After dinner about 7 pm she is not really there in the mix of discussions with the kids. They would have hopefully had completed their homework by then, or leaving me to help them and make sure they brush their teeth and get to bed early... Its not like my wife gets angry or has any bad traits associated with her drinking, just that our kids suffer and I suffer from the lack of companionship at night. I think this is what lead to her affairs 10 years ago. Then I was working and commuting and would finally get home around 6 pm but by then she was always drunk or tipsy and I could not really connect with her. We would talk at night but I can tell at night that she's really checked out due to the drinking. Sometimes out of frustration I get angry and say something like why do you drink all the time, cant you stop or limit it to just one glass at least, instead of a bottle of wine every night. Ten years ago when she had affairs, we went to counseling after, and the counselor told me that I was a facilitator of her drinking because I drank every once in a while. The counselor even told me that the affairs were my fault and boy that really messed with my head. I learned from another counselor years later that this was not the case and she alone is responsible for her behavior. I have since come to conclusion that its not my fault. Her behavior is not my fault. For years I thought her affairs, and drinking were somehow my fault but have learned that they are not. Thought that it was my inabilities in bed, or whatever.... Took years for me to overcome those feelings that his was somehow my fault. However, at the same time I'm not doing much about helping her to stop drinking either. I don't insist that she get help, I don't constantly nag her about it, or call for help about it. She is a great mom and wife now but the drinking continues and I worry that if did have to take a job where I commuted or did not see her regularly during the day that she would slip into her old habits. So when I go on business trips I have my mom stay at our house with her and keep her busy. Sounds messed up but it works except for the drinking. I just get tired every once while and feel helpless. Just this morning I was trying to explain to her that our teenager stays up too late texting on his phone and that I need help getting him to get to bed earlier. She responded with why are you bringing me into this... I said well, if you weren't drinking every night it would be easier to both address this issue....
Thank you so much for sharing your story here with us. I'm so sorry that your wife is blind to the fact that her drinking is getting in the way of your co-parenting your kids. They may not complain, but your kids don't miss anything and i'm sure they too are hurt that their mom is not more mindfull of her joint responsiblity to parent them. So sad. That being said, i think it's high time that you insisted on marriage counseling again. You know what to look for in a therapist now. Getting a therapist that has an addictions background to their practice might be a good start. The fact is, that drinking a bottle of wine everyday will affect her organs, i'm quite sure. Any mindfull loving partner would insist upon getting help, so don't be afraid to make the appointments.
Does your wife work? Not sure if there is a financial consideration, but $10 a day adds up to $ 300 + per mos. and certainly that amount of money would be better spent on something else?
I remember way back when my addiction consisted of drinking a bottle of wine a day for a few years, before it grew into prescription and hard drug use, and when i was drinking like that, looking back, i was really unhappy. What finally happened with my one bottle a day habit was adding another bottle of wine, and a 26oz of vodka. Then i realized i hated the taste of alcohol and moved on the pharmaceuticals. I was an addict, not an alcoholic. What I needed all along was to get behind why I was sabotaging my life. Why couldn't I just be happy?
You sound like you have given our wife a good life, you sound like a reasonable man and a loving partner. It sounds like your wife needs to find out why she feels the need to drink. It is usaully just something that is obvious in her backgorund that she needs to talk about that may be keeping her from living her best life, becasue she's not.... she's suffering right now. She's anethtesizing herself. Please, keep fighting from her freedom from alcohol. I've never met one alcoholic that isn't totally happy with the choice of getting clean and sober. Not one. But you have to get from A to B to make it happen. Don't give up. Get her to marriage counseling soon. Please , take it from an alcoholic that missed one too many tooth brushings and good night kisses. You can't ever get those incredibly simple joyous moments back. If you don't get her help, she may even blame you down the road for not getting her the help she needed, before she lost so much of her kid's live's.
Want a woman's perspective? You didn't say in your post if your wife works....If you did mention it, I missed it, sorry...
I'm going to assume she is holding down a full time career, raising children,
trying to be a "wife", guessing she also totally manages the house hold....
So she gets home from work, and while she's making you and the kids dinner, she opens a bottle of wine. You also didn't say if it was a "regular"
bottle of wine, or one of those "big 1.5 liter" bottles. So another assumption, I'm going with a "regular" size.
There are 4- glasses of wine in a bottle. So between 5:30, and 8:30she's drinking a bit more than 1 glass per hour, in addition to eating food....quite frankly....big deal. You harping on her is only going to make things worse.
You appear to be blaming everything that you think is wrong on her drinking the wine. I'm not an alcoholic, in fact drink 0 alchohol now. Surprisingly my desire to drink went away 100 percent when I divorced my nagging, over bearing husband. And also, the kids are just fine with the divorce, in fact every one is more mentally healthy.
I know you probably came on this site looking for sympathy, and I'm sure I'll get attacked for my opinion. But this is probably a phase....the phase of an exhausted, working woman trying to maintain her job, three kids, and a husband who is feeling sorry for himself because she is just too damn tired
to pay him the attention he feel he needs and is not getting at night.
Well, welcome to marriage in 2013. A body can metabolize 4 glasses of wine, with dinner thrown in over a 3- hour time period.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.
We're in the process of updating our system during which our trackers and health tools will not be available. We are doing our best to finish this update quickly. They should become available by 6:00 p.m. PST